Does Anyone Have Any Experience Of Living With Their in-Laws?

[Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 12:07
Last edited 21/01/2020 - 16:57

Hi there:)

I have a mate who has been offered the use of his in-laws' backyard to build a house. The land is approximately 375sqm. He is separated from their daughter and has full custody of his children/ their grandkids.

Common sense tells us that it is a bad idea and he, initially, politely rejected the offer. However, with the property market being what it is, and as a single dad of 2 , who receives no child support from his ex, it is unlikely that he will ever be able to buy a property again. So he is wavering…

We would love to hear any experience that you may have living with your in-laws? Did it work out?

Context:

His ex got 1/2 of his house in the divorce settlement and he has had to move in a rental with his 2 toddlers. She has since moved overseas, and according to her parents, has no intention of coming back to oz anytime soon. My mate gets along well with his ex-in-laws and they adore the grandkids, although they do not see them very often. The in-laws are in their late 60s and the FIL recently had a medical emergency but is now on the mend.

After seeing my mate's original reluctance, they have also offered ,instead of the land, to pitch in so that he can buy a property somewhere close by. The amount is just substantial enough to create an obligation towards them but not enough to make that much of a difference in his mortgage repayments. This was one of the properties he was looking at, which would cost more than twice as much as building brand new in the in-laws' backyard. Meaning , he would have to work longer hours and spend less quality time with his motherless kids :(

Poll: what would you do?

Poll Options

  • 35
    Move in with the ex-in-laws' backyard.
  • 214
    Take their cash offer and live close by.
  • 34
    Continue to rent for the foreseable future.
Home & Garden

Comments

        • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 21:04

          Actually it was, If I could turn back tiiiiiime…

          She had so many good songs. Hard to pick just one.

          • TheRealCher on 22/01/2020 - 21:28

            @[Deactivated]: I got you babe….

            • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 21:29

              @TheRealCher: It's in his kiss…

              • TheRealCher on 22/01/2020 - 21:30

                @[Deactivated]: True dat…

                • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 21:39
                  +1

                  @TheRealCher: Is it Cher? Then why did you say there wasn't enough love and understanding …and I'm out :)

                  • buckster on 23/01/2020 - 13:04

                    @[Deactivated]: Mesa thinks you two needsa getsa room

                    • [Deactivated] on 23/01/2020 - 13:18
                      +1

                      @buckster: And mesa think yousa jealous:p

                  • TheRealCher on 23/01/2020 - 16:22

                    @[Deactivated]: I don't know why I did the things I did
                    I don't know why I said the things I said
                    Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside
                    Words are like weapons they wound sometimes

                    • [Deactivated] on 23/01/2020 - 16:38
                      +1

                      @TheRealCher: If I could turn back time
                      If I could find a way
                      I'd take back those words from Buckster that have hurt you
                      And you'd stay

                      You'd stay … Shame on you , Buckster :P

  • soan papdi on 21/01/2020 - 22:39

    I searched for the word "loan" and didn't see it, so that's my suggestion. Can the in-laws give the amount as a loan for him to buy a property close by? With proper paperwork that they (or the ex-wife) have no stake in his new house? That way he is not obligated long-term but gets a leg up short-term.

  • taoz on 21/01/2020 - 22:46
    +3

    If he meets someone, you think the new partner would be keen to live in the exs backyard?.. Id think not.
    Need to think a bit longer term really.
    If he lives close by they can still help look after the kids.

    There are so many things that can go array with this.
    Think longer term. In laws get sick etc. Daughter may inherit the property who knows.

  • Vote for Pedro on 21/01/2020 - 23:02
    +1

    Do. Not. Do. It.

  • jv on 21/01/2020 - 23:08
    +1

    Yes

    But get something like this to live in, as 'insurance…'

  • Seni0r El Cheapo on 21/01/2020 - 23:32

    If I can get the title transferred, I will go for the building on their land. It has many potential benefits, such as grandparents will be able to take care of the kids, etc. If no title, then meh - big gamble.

  • FrugalDealHunter on 22/01/2020 - 08:07

    Take money. Have proof money is a gift. Done deal. Best of both worlds.

  • try2bhelpful on 22/01/2020 - 09:03

    If he wants to take up an offer I would go with the separate property and use the in laws “gift” to make a substantial payment upfront. Paying the mortgage of at standard rate will then eat into the principal accelerating the pay off. But he needs to get something legal so no strings attached. An extended family is a good idea in this situation so the kids have others to rely on. So what is his family’s position at the moment are they providing any support or not on the scene? The other thing to keep in mind is he might end up looking after the in laws as well as the kids. This sandwich situation occurs quite a bit. Best of luck to him.

    • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 11:49
      +1

      If he goes with the cash option , it will bring down his mortgage repayments by about $180 per fortnight. In exchange, they want to have a say in what and where he buys. There is also the expectation, like you said, that he will be there to lend assistance if they need it.

      So what is his family’s position at the moment are they providing any support or not on the scene?

      His immediate family are all deceased. He has some cousins left but they are all in the UK. I am his closest relative in Australia. He is my grandma's twin sister's grandson - twins run in the family :)

      I should point out that he has not asked anyone for help. But yes, the missus and I have been looking at how we can help. Unfortunately, we cannot offer financial assistance, at least not while we are going through the adoption process. We do have an IP that he could move into for way less than market rate. He would have the stability that he wants for his girls while at the same time being able to save for a future house. We are also happy to help out with child care duties. Our soon-to-be 2nd daughter is the same age as his and it would be lovely for them to have each other .

      There are quite a few downsides, including that our place is about 30 mins drive from his ex-in-laws ( and they will not be happy about that!) and that we already have great tenants living in our property.

      • Lastchancetosee on 22/01/2020 - 17:23
        +1

        First class friend. Nice to see people who are so supportive.

      • Laurana on 22/01/2020 - 22:27

        This post also don’t help the situation.

        If the money offer comes with that many strings attached, imagine half of their land?

  • Archi on 22/01/2020 - 09:23

    maybe negotiate.

    they provide the boarding and the mate provides the grandchildren and part time care of the olds. (depending on age, which from experience is likely weekly doctors visits and chauffeuring to different places)

    use the grandchildren as leverage, let them have greater access and give the children the ability to have that connection which other wise wont exist and the children may actually benefit from it.

    your mate will have a slightly more time to focus on earning and saving. if it doesn't work out your mate isn't tied down to an investment (if you can call it that)

    articulate it in a way that it benefits them more than it does your mate. but giving your mate the flexibilty to tap out at any time.

    • they build the granny flat (future investment potential if your mate decides to leave)
    • better resale value should they want to sell in the future
    • your mate isn't technically taking the money they gift rather they are investing it in for themselves
      in exchange for
    • closer relationship with the grand kids
    • having an extra adult to look after them
    • if they are still around when kids are older they will can still care for the grand parents
    • companionship
    • safety
    • and when your mate can aford to do so, some sort of financial support

    in regards to future partners your mate doesn't have one yet. cross that bridge when it comes

    i would say do it only if certain condition are met that doesn't impede on your mates privacy and financial burden.
    if your mate still has to pay something from day 1 he is in no better position than just to rent a house nearby,

  • murkywater on 22/01/2020 - 09:48

    You have alot of friends don't you? You always seem to be asking on their behalf, lol

    Thanks for another interesting thread

    • TEER3X on 22/01/2020 - 21:07

      Yep, doesn't take a super slueth to figure out this "asking for a friend" BS.

      I guess OP is ashamed or embarrassed when there's absolutely no need to be.

      • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 21:28

        Sorry to disappoint but not me. Like I said , I'm happily married and soon-to-be father of 4

        • TEER3X on 22/01/2020 - 22:46
          -2

          Happily married. Now that's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one.

          • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 23:45

            @TEER3X: What can I say? I was a risk worth taking:p what a tragedy it would have been if she had played it safe and refused to elope with me.

        • TEER3X on 25/01/2020 - 12:26

          Nice alibi… But you've been busted, thiss entire thread doesn't compute, especially you being so defensive.

          You also ruined Star Wars, so much so that there are fan edits that completely eliminate you.

          • [Deactivated] on 25/01/2020 - 21:42

            @TEER3X: Doubters are just dreamers with a broke heart.

            P.s: I didn't neg you.

  • Anzac78 on 22/01/2020 - 10:36
    +1

    What a cold b*tch to leave your kids forever and disappear overseas…. Guy deserves a free handout…

  • jimdotpud on 22/01/2020 - 11:00

    No. No. No. No. Just don't. stay separate. the more time the grandparents are with the kids, there is more likely to be some sort of other custody battle in the future (and/or ex-wife coming back from OS). I'm not saying don't let them see the kids, but it needs to be on your friends terms, not theirs. this "gift" as you said has "strings attached"….

    keep renting for now.

    • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 12:57

      I couldn't agree more. He gave away half of what he owns to gain sole custody of his kids. It would be a shame now if he was to let the ex-in-laws grow so close to them that they believe they have a legal right to his kids.

      • jimdotpud on 22/01/2020 - 13:57
        +1

        hold on tight with both hands!!!

  • rainbow612 on 22/01/2020 - 11:03
    +1

    Yes, don't do it. Now in the process of getting divorced. Whatever the situation is, money issues or whatever, do not do it.

  • Chandler on 22/01/2020 - 11:10

    His ex got 1/2 of his house in the divorce settlement and he has had to move in a rental with his 2 toddlers.

    Separate issue, but why the hell did HE have to move out WITH the kids? (unless the house was sold)

    has no intention of coming back to oz anytime soon.

    Plans can change at any time - nice to know (for him) but essentially meaningless.

    I would take the cash subject to an agreement outlining exactly what each party wants from it. Last thing your friend will want is the relationship from the in-laws going south and them trying to take his new house from him.

    • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 11:56

      Yep, house was sold.

  • jimdotpud on 22/01/2020 - 11:10

    Common sense tells us that it is a bad idea

    why do we always second guess gut instincts???

  • FreeFrag on 22/01/2020 - 11:34

    Seems like his ex-in-laws are nice and understanding people. I'd say he needs to discuss his concerns with them and if they agreed to gift him the land, then go with that option. It won't be the best option for him but I think that's the best option for the kids. This way he has more time to attend to kids and also kids get a chance to see their grandparents more often which could help to make up for not having their mom around.
    Of course that's all assuming that your friend is not planning on dating anytime soon.

    • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 11:57

      and that the mother doesn't run out of money and moves back to Australia, with her parents.

  • psdillon on 22/01/2020 - 12:19

    Put it in writing to the in-laws that if the daughter moves back for more than a month, then he'll sell up and move.

  • knr21 on 22/01/2020 - 12:42

    If he takes up the offer to receive money to buy the house close by but as you said work longer hours which means he would be having to find care for his children which may be his exPIL for help but she comes back and fights for custody with the help of her parents and wins because he was always finding care for the kids so he could work. Evil I know but some ppl are twisted like that.

  • OzHunterNSW on 22/01/2020 - 13:09
    +2

    What a ridiculous idea… it is time to sever the ties and move on.

  • tryagain on 22/01/2020 - 13:12
    +3

    It really depends on the inlaws and his relationship, I had a semi-similar offer after we got married to build in the backyard of the inlaws place (1000sqm block) but declined, despite a pretty good relationship. There would have been more interference than I would have wanted and living in each other's pockets would have lead to conflict which they deal with poorly.

    A few considerations are,

    I would only do it if there were an actual subdivision and the land was gifted, this should allow, should in all turn pearshaped in the future, an exit possibility without financial loss. Look into the subdivision costs (likely more than you think) and the tax implications of the land or cash gifts, this could change the scenario bottom line quite a bit.

    Quantify exactly what they would expect in return in regards to helping them out as they age, if they are envisaging someone to change a light bulb etc occasionally, then I wouldn't have too much of an issue with that, but if they are envisaging him becoming their carer when the need arises as opposed to moving into a home then it would be a deal-breaker.

    Ask them how they would feel if re-partnered in the future and she moved in. What if they did/didn't approve of her, would it make a difference? What if she has kids too and they needed a bigger place?

    How do they deal with conflict, most relationships have conflict at some stage, if they are the type that can sit down and rationally talk about the issues, then when issues arise, they can likely be dealt with. If they are the type to yell and rant and rave and then brush it under the carpet then it's just a ticking timebomb.

    What if his Ex returns, would he be happy to have her as a neighbour, I assume his inlaws would love their daughter to have more to do with her kids, but it seems like he wanted her out of their lives.

    It could work out really well for him, being a single parent can't be an easy job, especially with no family around to help out if they are fit and able. It could also go spectacularly wrong, if he does go down the path of building out the back, then make sure he has an exit plan and the lines of communication are well and truly established and open.

  • 91rs on 22/01/2020 - 14:13
    +1

    All of the nopes.
    Rent, maybe closer to them but not so close you then become a person of regular assistance to them (unless thats ok with you).
    Far enough away that if you wanted to date and found someone it could be more serious with that they wouldnt just be popping around whenever.

    I could see living in the back yard turning pretty much in to being a carer role by guilt (of what they've done for you or the kids) and while trying to bring up two young kids it would then leave you with nothing and no time.
    I'd not be taking any money, property or anything from them. No assistance of any kind. If anything left to you in the will I'd pass it right on to the kids just in case the ex wants to come back and cash in or have them leave things to the kids or via a trust or something so there is less chance the ex can take it away from the kids.

  • CalmLemons on 22/01/2020 - 16:18
    +1

    Grand parents point of view: Do anything do take care of the grandchildren as mother has abandoned them and they obviously feel bad that they raised a daughter who got divorced and has pretty much abandoned the kids.

    TBH nothing else matters in their eyes apart from the kids. Single dad raising 2 kids with average income going to be hard AF. You have to remember current society where you have two parents only raising kids wasn't always the case. Millenia ago you had the whole clan helping out raising the children whilst the men went hunting etc, not really that way anymore but you get the jist of it.

    At the end of the day, the only thing we truly have is CHOICE. Material items and all other things are really non-consequential. He should make ab objective choice with sound judgement.

    No. 1 should be what is best for the kids the grandparents obviously have no other meaningful purpose in life than to ensure these kids grow up with the best support in their life despite what has happened between the parents, that is a totally separate issue. Their objective is to ensure the best for the kids. Whether or not they spend time with the kids is not going to be that much of an issue as I doubt they would ever get any custody as long as the father does a semi-decent job.

    Do it alone, get eaten by the wolves.

    For the dad, TBH most of the advice on here is going to be very opinion based on each posters experience and perspective.

    The only decent advice I can recommend to the dad is to read a few books:
    How to raise successful children - esther something can't remember her name
    The Daily Stoic - Ryan Holiday
    12 Rules for Life - Jordan Peterson

    Basically the thing to keep in mind is:
    Nothing matters if you don't raise your kids up right.

  • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 16:35
    +1

    Suggest that it's probably best for your friend to establish boundaries, both property and otherwise with the ex-in-laws.

    Edit: Just read MUJI is now selling flatpack homes so another option to the tiny house, if your friend chooses not to heed the advice 😉

  • field1985 on 22/01/2020 - 16:52
    +1

    It's going to be a bumpy ride in property for the next few years. I would strongly recommend renting for the foreseeable future. Dont be left holding a mortgage for a property that is not worth it (when prices drop). Even if you sold, you would still be in debt.

  • jelko on 22/01/2020 - 19:00

    Why did the ex get half, when he's taking care of 2 kids?

  • MITM on 23/01/2020 - 00:15

    Blood is thicker than water.
    Your mate isn’t blood, but the grandkids and ex are.
    Battle on independently. Hopefully the grandkids will be in the Will.
    Perhaps the in laws will contribute to the education later on behalf of the ex in order to keep in contact with the kids as they get older.

  • Cheapsize on 23/01/2020 - 01:28
    +1

    If the new property was under trust it could work. I mean you can always rent another property after the fact? Personal Space is a potential issue.

    If the in laws pass away, your ex is a potential neighbor if she inherited the in laws house.There goes the point of the settlement. Pros and cons.

  • lainey13 on 23/01/2020 - 08:28
    -1

    Can't believe the ex will inherit all. Even if he goes through with it?? Better off if she was dead…

  • frostman on 23/01/2020 - 09:02

    I have a mate who has been…

    You're better off starting with:

    I have been

  • beyondtool on 23/01/2020 - 09:09
    +1

    If the sole reason for taking up the offer is to own his own home because he doesn’t see any other option… totally wrong move. There’s plenty of options here including moving somewhere cheaper, finding a new wealthy partner or waiting for the housing crash.

    Personally as someone who is divorced and tried to keep things on good terms with the in-laws it’s going to backfire and cause untold mental anguish. I’ve had to completely eliminate all contact. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree as they say and if the ex-wife abandoned her kids to live overseas I can only imagine was her parent are capable of.

    • Indi24 on 23/01/2020 - 10:33

      So you are blaming mom and dad for daughters decision. ??

  • Indi24 on 23/01/2020 - 10:31
    +1

    I suggest he should move in. One reason, it will be easy on his financial matters. Second, you are helping old couple by providing some joy. You said they afore grand kids. You don't believe how much positive change these little kids can bring into their old couple life. Grand pa will soon stop taking meds. May be after couple of years he can move into his own nearby house.

    He should move in with them.

  • MementoMori on 23/01/2020 - 10:55
    +1

    As tempting and as awesome the offer is, it just sounds too risky to me.

    Build/live nearby and own the entire thing outright is best. Maybe request a larger lump sum? (might sound rude, but I don't know their relationship).

    You need to think 5 years down the track - maybe the wife comes back, turns the parents against your mate, etc etc… then what? Would he 'own' the house and land and be able to sell it or rent it out? At least work out a predetermined plan in this case.

    It's best to fully own something or not at all. Maybe if the parents built a house they could own the whole thing and he can rent it from them (his rental payments can go towards the build cost).

    Whatever he does just think 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the track.

  • MementoMori on 23/01/2020 - 11:01

    FWIW I've seen granny flat companies build really nice 1 bedders for $70k with dishwasher, air con, stone benches, 76.5sq.m. (8.2sq).

    They're not brick, but they are movable in a worst case situation / was cheap in the first place.

    Also - assuming 4% interest on $70k thats under $55 per week (IO). Market rent for something like this would surely be at least $300pw (depending on where they live), so he'd be saving around $13k per year on rent.

    https://www.willowgrovegrannyflats.com.au/floor-plans/2-bedr…

    On second thoughts I'd go something like this.

  • kingsville on 23/01/2020 - 11:02
    +1

    my 2 cents….

    As a single dad, i can vouch that having family close by that can help is extremely valuable. They can help with co-curricular activities, or cover if you need to travel interstate.

    Either option (of being close) should be seriously considered.

  • webtonmoy on 23/01/2020 - 11:27

    Have a civil discussion with your ex-in-laws. See if they can give you the land in writing, so that you are protected from future legal issues. If they are reasonable people, I assume they will understand that in future you may have another partner and will have no issues with that.

    I can understand their perspective. I know people who lost their daughter, but will love to keep in touch with their grandchildren despite all the issues with their ex-son-in-law. To them, the grandchild is a part of their family. If possible, allow them to have that happiness in their life.

  • lostn on 23/01/2020 - 11:29

    You have my condolences.

  • SolidworksError on 23/01/2020 - 17:12
    +1

    Poisoned gift, even if it's given with good intentions.

    Absolutely do not accept the land.

    If he needs the assistance, then the money would be better, but he should contact a lawyer to find out the best way to go about it and where he stands.

  • SlavOz on 25/01/2020 - 09:14
    -1

    And they say women never do wrong, and all men are oppressors…i feel bad for this guy.

  • [Deactivated] on 28/01/2020 - 21:04
    +1

    After reading all the comments on here and seeking legal advice , he has decided not to accept any financial help from his ex-in-laws. Thank you.

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