Does Anyone Have Any Experience Of Living With Their in-Laws?

[Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 12:07
Last edited 21/01/2020 - 16:57

Hi there:)

I have a mate who has been offered the use of his in-laws' backyard to build a house. The land is approximately 375sqm. He is separated from their daughter and has full custody of his children/ their grandkids.

Common sense tells us that it is a bad idea and he, initially, politely rejected the offer. However, with the property market being what it is, and as a single dad of 2 , who receives no child support from his ex, it is unlikely that he will ever be able to buy a property again. So he is wavering…

We would love to hear any experience that you may have living with your in-laws? Did it work out?

Context:

His ex got 1/2 of his house in the divorce settlement and he has had to move in a rental with his 2 toddlers. She has since moved overseas, and according to her parents, has no intention of coming back to oz anytime soon. My mate gets along well with his ex-in-laws and they adore the grandkids, although they do not see them very often. The in-laws are in their late 60s and the FIL recently had a medical emergency but is now on the mend.

After seeing my mate's original reluctance, they have also offered ,instead of the land, to pitch in so that he can buy a property somewhere close by. The amount is just substantial enough to create an obligation towards them but not enough to make that much of a difference in his mortgage repayments. This was one of the properties he was looking at, which would cost more than twice as much as building brand new in the in-laws' backyard. Meaning , he would have to work longer hours and spend less quality time with his motherless kids :(

Poll: what would you do?

Poll Options

  • 35
    Move in with the ex-in-laws' backyard.
  • 214
    Take their cash offer and live close by.
  • 34
    Continue to rent for the foreseable future.
Home & Garden

Comments

  • kkmenon1156 on 21/01/2020 - 12:12
    +18

    He would be forever indebted to them. Not worth it imo.

    • Numlock on 21/01/2020 - 17:13
      +5

      He would be forever indebted to them

      That's a western mentality.

      • tessel on 21/01/2020 - 21:04
        +3

        And? Doesn't mean the comment is wrong. I don't burn bridges, I napalm them.

      • JuryWheel on 22/01/2020 - 07:20
        +4

        Is it…? I wouldn't feel that way. Take land (make sure it is in your name) build house, if things ever turn bad in the relationship, just sell it and move. What's the big deal here?

        • Pretzel_Ninja on 23/01/2020 - 10:08

          He should be more concerned about the ex coming back and causing issues with this property (when the parents pass away). If she has no concern about her own children, has already taken off with half of their existing property asset… chances are high that she will do the same with this property.

          The in-laws would need to maybe create a Will to ensure the property stays with the children.

          • Ti-au on 24/01/2020 - 15:31

            @Pretzel_Ninja: Actually if they gift the land before they land and its past the specific length of time, they aggrieved party cannot make a claim against it.

            • Ti-au on 24/01/2020 - 17:03

              @Ti-au: That should be: before they die.

              • Ti-au on 24/01/2020 - 17:05

                @Ti-au: The land would have to be divided.

                If they are willing to do that, then there could be merit to the idea.

      • aboogee on 23/01/2020 - 18:16
        +1

        not really… eastern culture share the same view too?

    • Hasbulla on 22/01/2020 - 19:44

      Pretty sure his mate is called Pierre

  • Smulder on 21/01/2020 - 12:16
    +27

    Does he ever plan to date again? If yes, then do not accept any assistance from them.

    • virhlpool on 22/01/2020 - 22:12
      +1

      Well, he wouldn't know if he is 'planning' to do it as yet.

  • samfisher5986 on 21/01/2020 - 12:18
    +12

    Short term it might work, but its very likely, especially as the ex wife is almost guaranteed to get involved eventually that putting any kind of investment into the in-laws backyard is risky.

    There is so much that can go wrong.

  • loulou1 on 21/01/2020 - 12:18
    +11

    If he builds on their land and the relationship sours, they own the place and can kick him out. A house usually isn’t titled separately from the land.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 12:25
      +4

      What if they agree to sub-divide and gift him the land?

      • Archi on 21/01/2020 - 12:27
        +1

        don't think 375 sqm is big enough to subdivide

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 12:28
          +2

          The property is about 900sqm. They are offering him the use of approximately 375sqm of it. The driveway will be shared.

          • geoffs87 on 21/01/2020 - 22:18
            +4

            @[Deactivated]: Check out the local council’s planning rules (note they can change from street to street). That will tell you what the minimum parcel size is.

            For example, a suburb I used to live on the Gold Coast has 530sqm you could build duplex. A town in northern NSW I grew up on had 400sqm is the minimum parcel (ie you would require 800sqm to cut her in half).

            Then if you go out to Mudgee where I recently looked at farmland for the purposes of possible subdivision estates, something like 2000sqm in that particular part of town was required per parcel… so in that area, 10,000sqm wouldn’t be enough to get you 5 properties when you factor roads, easements etc.

            TLDR - check the planning rules for the in laws property and see if 375sqm meets the minimum parcel size. If it does, it could be an option if they subdivide and gift the land (note this will trigger a stamp duty event). Otherwise, take the cash and go buy something seperate. If there’s any conditions on the cash, run.

            • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 22:23
              +1

              @geoffs87: There's always conditions…cheers.

              • Ti-au on 24/01/2020 - 17:05

                @[Deactivated]: If its in city location, usually it's quite small. Can also ask the council for an exception.

  • Baysew on 21/01/2020 - 12:20
    -4

    Poll: what would you do?

    I would be the mate that wouldn't share personal arrangements of others on social media.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 12:21
      +6

      I have his permission to do so. Hence the :

      We would love to hear any experience that you may have living with your in-laws?

      Did you think I was using the royal we ? 😂

      • Zonty on 22/01/2020 - 09:52

        Need to check with council and land zone, if he able to get land title own then go lawyer make contract to make sure those house and land will be your mate title and no one can ask any kind of money after sell that property.

        There is advantage you will have free baby sitter also ldisadvantage their eyes will be on your and you have to face ex some time when come to visit parents.

  • kolorijo on 21/01/2020 - 12:30
    +8

    Hell, why not, let's see what the circus would be like when the ex returns home 😂😂😂

    Personally I would continue to rent.

    • danbal on 22/01/2020 - 00:05

      Same thoughts. Its going to be a circus once the ex gets involved again.

  • DarthAntz on 21/01/2020 - 12:34
    +9

    Almost sounds like the in-laws like him more than their daughter to offer that! plus they understand the need for a father figure, and perhaps your mate is a quality person that they could see helping them in their old age. All he needs is a long talk over a few weeks to discuss this arrangement, because it can work out really well. He needs to share that he intends on moving on with relationships in his life, and that may happen. Its for the kids and the grandparents may reap the benefits of having a property with two dwellings on it for subdividing the land in the future.
    I am planning on moving as close as possible to the in-laws later this year, for the benefit of the family.

    • derrida derider on 22/01/2020 - 12:47
      +2

      Na, for the in-laws its all about the grandkids, not their daughter or her ex. That's actually reassuring for your mate because its one thing that won't change.

      Yes its high risk, but the alternatives may be worse. Were I your mate I'd be thinking very hard about whether mum is likely to come home and demand custody of the kids, and what her parents would do in that circumstance. Certainly if you take up either of the in-law's offers put absolutely every agreement in detail in writing.

  • tsunamisurfer on 21/01/2020 - 12:39
    +26

    Take the Ca$h, make sure there is documentation outlining this is a gift with no obligation of repayment attached.

    Give the gandchildren a close relationship with the in-laws in the hope they will be beneficiaries of their estate when the time comes.

    Yes I am cold hearted.

    • toristo on 21/01/2020 - 21:39
      +3

      Actually, this is reasonably warm hearted and smart. You are protecting yourself, your financial wellbeing and at the same time, your kids.

      You are also giving the kids grandparents who obviously love them enough to want to do something for them. Assuming you do continue to actively allow the kids to be part of the granparents life, I think this is a good solution to consider with legal advice and honesty about the concerns of "what if" with their daughter.

  • Bid Sniper on 21/01/2020 - 12:40

    E-tax (emotional tax) will far exceed rent, hard nope.

  • elgrande on 21/01/2020 - 12:52
    +2

    This has the potential to become a great case studied by many future law students.

  • orangetrain on 21/01/2020 - 13:02
    -2

    Story doesn't sound right. Father owns a house and has two kids. Gives away 50% of house in divorce. No child support. Mother left country. Grandparents in law offers concessions/gifts. Then apparently father doesn't own a house, so he currently lives in a rental?

    Is that right? I'm sure she still has money in Australia so lawyer up and go after those child support money from house sale or move into that house that mate and ex wife owns. Mate story has so many holes, its sounds made up.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 13:17

      He lost his house in the divorce. They sold it and she got half of the proceeds. I should have phrased it better. He agreed to this arrangement in exchange for getting full custody of his kids.

      He has been working casually for the last 2 years while taking care of his toddlers and has used a big chunk of his savings, which was the sale proceeds of his house less the bank's share of it and the half he gave his ex.

      The kids are old enough now that he feels he can commit to a permanent job and has accepted one closer to the city. Hence the move from regional Vic to Melbourne and hence the house-hunting.

      • Some Guy on 21/01/2020 - 14:42
        +3

        How is it that she is not responsible for any child maintenance payments? Just because your friend has full custody as agreed, does not absolve her from that. I have a friend that has no custody or even contact with his kid, at his ex's insistence, and he must pay maintenance anyway.

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:00
          +1

          She has not worked in years and originally wanted shared custody of the kids, child support and spousal maintenance.He wanted her out of their lives and giving her half of his house was the only he could do that. There is no way she would pay him child support and no one even knows where she is. Once in a blue moon ,her parents receives a call from her but that is about the only contact anyone has with her.

          • aragornelessar on 21/01/2020 - 19:10

            @[Deactivated]: Whats the in-laws relationship with their daughter? Are they going to bend to her will if/when she ever comes back, or if she decides to come back with an axe to grind? It's great that they want to be a part of the grand-kid's lives, but if the daughter/mother comes back which way will they bend?

            • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 20:20
              +1

              @aragornelessar: If the prodigal child were to return…Who knows ? They say blood is thicker than water and it may well be true.

              • aragornelessar on 21/01/2020 - 20:36

                @[Deactivated]: Yeah, too much of a risk for me mate! Your mate would probably have a better idea on if he wants to risk it

              • trapper on 22/01/2020 - 11:28
                +2

                @[Deactivated]: Blood is much thicker than water.

                He should not allow any kind leverage to exist.

          • Some Guy on 22/01/2020 - 22:40

            @[Deactivated]: Wow. It takes a special kind of so-and-so to abandon their kids.

            I would ask the in-laws to contribute to the cost of raising the kids. Your mate will do it tough with their financial support and that could have significant consequences for the kids. The in-laws should alter their will to reduce the inheritance for their daughter by some amount to cover "her share" of the cost of raising/educating the kids. No winners here, but all could be big losers if they don't pull together.

        • Archi on 22/01/2020 - 09:02

          that's because she has a good lawyer

  • Tightpocket on 21/01/2020 - 13:03
    +6

    Its actually pretty normal in the Asians culture to live with in-law or have the in law live with them, but to your specific situations i wouldn't recommend it.

    The in law might love their grandchildren but i'm pretty sure they won't be happy to see their next stepmom.

    • centrelink on 22/01/2020 - 09:14
      +2

      Oh that would suck to love with in laws… oh wait I already do that because y’all all roasted me on my old post

      • Tightpocket on 22/01/2020 - 10:22

        LOL, i just read your old post - so they're finally here huh? are they enjoying it and are they here for good now? if they're here for good you just have to look at the brightside, typically Asians in-law will do the house chores for you from A-Z and minding your child while you're at work or other stuff.

    • Slugoid on 23/01/2020 - 13:34

      Normal back in my parents's days (70's), but normal doesn't always mean right. It's always the the husband's parents (wife's in-law's) they are living with them, which means the wife has to put up with in-laws and it's cruel. My mum had to put up with the in-laws for a long time before migrating and she hated it, but she couldn't say anything because Asian women back then had to be docile and be respectful to their husbands and their family.

      Fast forward to now, I'm living with my parents only because my house is being built and my wife complains about my parents all the time. I can't wait to move out, because I'm sick of being stuck in the middle being the mediator for my wife and parents. Even my mum wants us to move our because she doesn't want conflict and she knows the hardship of being a daughter in law. My parents are nice, but different generation, different habits, different parenting means living under the same roof is always filled with conflicts.

  • GangGang on 21/01/2020 - 13:10
    +1

    I was about to give valuable information as I've lived with my inlaws for nearly 2 years. We sold our old home & starting building a new one, I could have given heaps of pros & cons. This is an entirely different scenario so I won't give any. I would say no, especially when the ex returns.

  • Smulder on 21/01/2020 - 13:21

    Are they still classified as 'in-laws' after a divorce?

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 13:23

      Ex-in-laws. Although they still refer to him as their son-in-law. They are quite fond of him.

      • Archi on 21/01/2020 - 14:50
        +2

        get the ex-inlaws to start putting the kids in their will and pass on everything to them when they pass… your friend has power of attorney of the kids and their inheritance from the ex-inlaws,

        you how it works from there,

        it all starts to sound like a movie plot.

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:05

          The kids are already in the will but the lion's share is going to their mother ( the ex-in-laws' only child.)

          • teros on 21/01/2020 - 15:47
            +1

            @[Deactivated]: A trust is the smart way with the kid's as beneficiary’s

  • askme69 on 21/01/2020 - 14:31

    Ask how they will handle a possible new female partner in the future?

    It could work as the daughter sounds like a loser, so long as she at4ays overseas. If she moves back, it could all implode.

    • aragornelessar on 21/01/2020 - 19:12
      +1

      Agree here.

      However, even if daughter is a loser, it sounds like she's their only child, so it could all become Hollywood-action-packed

  • netjock on 21/01/2020 - 15:16
    +9

    Build a tiny house that you can tow away if things don't work out.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:17

      LOL! Thinking outside the box? I like that :)

      • netjock on 21/01/2020 - 15:21

        They should do the same for bush fire proned areas. Can just tow away everything other than the heavy structures like water tanks.

      • Kiro on 22/01/2020 - 11:03

        19ft and up caravan with double bunks, bathroom and kitchen. You can live a decent life like that and it works well.

        • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 11:55

          You can but social services might take a dim view of 2 little kids living in a caravan…

          • derrida derider on 22/01/2020 - 12:56

            @[Deactivated]: Na, it's better accomodation than most of their clients will have; you should get more idea of how the other half lives. Social services rightly won't care much about accommodation as long as the kids are loved, cleaned, fed and schooled.

            But yes, I reckon a tiny house or big caravan has lots of advantages. The neighbours, and hence the local council, might be an obstacle though.

            • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 12:59

              @derrida derider: Forgot to add my source:)

              In another life, my missus was a social worker and her first job in the field was as a child protection officer. The land is in a fairly well-to-do area.The neighbours will rat you out for devaluing their properties and the teachers tend to be overzealous.

    • Smulder on 21/01/2020 - 16:13

      2 toddlers in a tiny house? Good Luck.

      • netjock on 21/01/2020 - 18:32
        +1

        You think it is a tiny prison. There is the surrounding land. It is better than putting them in a small one bedroom apartment. Think with your big head.

    • ihbh on 21/01/2020 - 17:12

      Got to fit the driveway else need to be sawed in two?

      • netjock on 21/01/2020 - 18:37
        -2

        Tiny Houses are typically anywhere from about 5 metres in length up to 12.5 metres. Based on the Australian Design Rules they can be anywhere up to 12.5 metres in length and a maximum width of 2.5 metres. LINK

        375sqm means 20m x 20m give or take, so you can back it in straight into the drive way right to the end. Then park the car to the diversion.

        It isn't rocket science. Maybe you should watch the Netflix programme rather than jumping to conclusions.

        • ihbh on 21/01/2020 - 19:58
          -1

          jumping to conclusions

          I'm not. I'm asking for clarification as I think this is a good idea but I haven't explored it much in detail.

    • timmy_tam on 22/01/2020 - 07:48

      i like this idea.

      Check out tiny homes on youtube, its a big trend with minimalism right now and its all about "getting rid of the things that distract us from the things that really matter, which aren't things at all, but people" - the minimalists

  • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:25
    +1

    a mate ;)

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:29
      +1

      Yep … I'm happily married with twice the number of kids that he has. I thought that was common knowledge around here :p

      • HardlyCharly on 21/01/2020 - 15:42
        +4

        I don't know why anyone would know who you are lol, I've been regularly visiting for years and have no clue.

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 15:52
          +1

          :)

          • crentist on 21/01/2020 - 16:25
            +3

            @[Deactivated]: Are you the guy who's been asking how to drive through a new intersection every week?

            Hope you make it to the next suburb one of these days :)

            • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 16:27
              +2

              @crentist: Nope, not that guy :)

              • Antikythera on 22/01/2020 - 13:27
                +1

                @[Deactivated]: you're the guy with big financial plans right? investing in high return cars and crypto?

      • Save 50 Cent on 22/01/2020 - 00:52
        +1

        You’re not that famous honey.

        • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 10:33

          I didn't neg … and I agree with you :)

  • teros on 21/01/2020 - 15:45
    +2

    This is interesting on a few level's

    Firstly if your friend has the kids full time the ex wouldn't be entitled to half the assets (the children do come into it and weighting is given to the person who has the kids)….If she got a payout from the house or pulled out the $$ that is liable for child support suggest's he register for CSA….I am a payer and they will threaten or just simply take money out of your bank account if they want.

    For the main question why not build stay for 2 years and turn the place into a rental? That way the in laws would get to spend time with the kids during those 2 years and come up with an agreement for him to do this.

    That way the asset stays with him lets him leverage it to build again and also would then eventually go to the kids etc.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 16:42

      Re: child support

      I have explained the situation briefly here. He does not want to have anything to do with her.

      As for building, then renting: the in-laws will not be happy with this. The agreement is that they are gifting him this land so that they can see their grandkids everyday and that there will be someone to look after them if they are sick or need assistance.

      The land comes with strings attached. Not sure if legally they will have any recourse if he decides to rent it down the line.

      • teros on 21/01/2020 - 17:06
        +2

        For recourse no they won't be able to with the land /renting it out but they can via family court basically if they prove the time etc. they spend with the children they could take him to court and have time mandated by the court.

        I have to commend the in-laws for doing it but Jesus would it be awkward when he starts dating again etc.

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 17:11

          Thank you.

        • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 17:19
          +1

          that there will be someone to look after them if they are sick or need assistance.

          Btw, the "them" refers to the in-laws. They are concerned that they are getting on in age and that their only child will not be there for them if they ever needed someone. So my mate, their ex-son-in-law, it is.

          He will basically double his responsibility from 2 kids to 2 kids + 2 old people to look after. Not ideal and imo, not worth it. Not even for $450k, which is what the land is valued at. He will never be able to move on.

  • HardlyCharly on 21/01/2020 - 15:48

    You're right it sounds like a terrible idea. But in his shoes I would do it, free childcare in your backyard for starters. I also agree with the idea of the 'tiny house' or flat pack house which can be removable in the future. Go for it.

  • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 16:00
    +1

    I'm surprised with how the poll is going . Based on residential land available for sale in that area, the 375 sqm is worth about $450k.

    • Laurana on 22/01/2020 - 22:13
      +1

      Because he’s not getting half of the title. If that was the case, then the poll results might be different.

      It would also be different if the in laws had a house already built in the backyard and were just letting him live there rent free.

      But this is asking him to literally invest half a million dollar on someone else’s backyard. Someone he is not even related to. It is waaaay too big of a risk. He can’t just up and leave or easily sell that house if things go pear shape. In a situation where it is rather likely that they will go pear shape.

      I’m surprised that you’re surprised at the poll’s results.

  • wiilson13 on 21/01/2020 - 16:47
    +6

    You cannot put a price on mental health. I have seen both of my brother's go through terrible custody battles. They both tried to do right by their kids and ex's families and it all turns to shit very quickly. I would say hell no. You never know what they might expect as 'repayment' for their 'favour' down the track.

  • Cluster on 21/01/2020 - 17:03
    +1

    A bit of cultural background information would be valuable. I have experience with the way Chinese tend to see the greater family role and how the inlaws are involved (hint: they almost always move in, and you have no choice in the matter).

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 17:06
      +2

      His ex-in-laws and wife are aussies. He is British but has lived here for well over a decade

  • ihbh on 21/01/2020 - 17:13

    almost always move in

    for good?

  • MS Paint on 21/01/2020 - 18:07

    How do you have so many friends with housing issues?

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 19:05
      +8

      Born in the wrong era. Most millennials and Post-millennials have housing issues.

  • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 18:08
    +1

    It's really case by case isn't it?

    If the ex-inlaws are angels that fart rainbows, hell yeah!

    If they are strangle cats and skin hamsters, probably not hell yeah!

    They're likely to be somewhere in between so who amongst us can tell.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 19:09

      I guess my mate was looking for reassurance that it could work; that anecdotally, it has worked for some. Alas! No reassurance is to be found here - only doom and gloom :p

    • abb on 22/01/2020 - 12:30

      If they are strangle cats and skin hamsters

      This mental image is actually more disturbing than what you probably meant to type (i.e. omitting the 'are')

      • [Deactivated] on 22/01/2020 - 12:31

        I could do much more worser. Yous don't go poke the bear's.

  • darkchoc on 21/01/2020 - 21:17

    Build, live there, sell if it doesn't work out.

  • Black Brown Blue on 21/01/2020 - 21:32

    It’s a complicated situation.
    Things could maybe turn bad as soon as the daughter returns, her living beside the house could make things weird. It depends on the father, if he is willing to take the risk and if he can handle this type of situation then by all means go for building in the land. They can care for children which will save childcare. Make sure the in laws have no issue with future partner. Get proper paperwork and documentation if going down this track.

  • TheRealCher on 21/01/2020 - 22:09
    +1

    I came just to harangue you for reminding me of that Star wars movie…. :)

    TheRealCher on 21/01/2020 - 22:09 (Collapsed - Offtopic. Show)
    • [Deactivated] on 21/01/2020 - 22:17
      +1

      And you, you remind me of that song… :p

      • TheRealCher on 22/01/2020 - 20:52

        Do you believe in life after luuuuuuurve?

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