As the saying goes, "comparison is the thief of joy".
Several years ago, I started a grad program with a cohort of people and some became friends. Since then we all moved on to different companies and It consistently feels like I am competing with them in terms of pay and title. Whilst it's easy to just say "don't compare yourself with others", I feel like it's hard to do.
Does anyone have any tips and thoughts of getting out of this toxic cycle.
Yeah, since I posted this, I 've listened to a bunch of podcasts. What I am trying to do now is to create a bucket list of things I will regret not doing before I die and strive to achieve those.
You might be on the right track. My bucket list has zero intersection with my career plans.
What were the names of the podcasts?
What podcasts
See above, in case you are still interested
Compare yourself today, to who you were a month ago/a year ago/3 years ago.
It is not an appropriate to compare yourself to others who have different genetics, upbringing, and financials to you. It cuts both ways. If you compare yourself to someone successful, you might be doing a disservice to yourself, and only seeing the good points of that other person. And if you compare yourself to someone less successful, you might not understand the struggles that person endures in their private life, so you're again doing a disservice.
Lots of my grad friends had better jobs than I and are still working whilst I have been retired for 10 years.
The job title doesn't count and the pay only partly.
If you are not enjoying your job, or working countless hours, or being constantly pressured and stressed at work, or spending most of your work life travelling or just scattering good money around, then what does it count for?
I am now retired living off my investments and enjoying life whilst many of my grad friends are still grinding at the stone with not much to show for all their years of hard work..
If you are saying your friends had better jobs, and now you are retired 10 years earlier… did you earn less than them but save more?
Wouldn't be surprised if he hit big with crypto investments or something.
But there's no life without money so they say. Don't even think about life without money
Delete social media. Have no friends. Easy.
But, do consider that people often exaggerate, and working for a big company or having a cool sounding title, does not necessarily equate to earning more. I know people with comparatively wanky titles who earn less than people with just ordinary sounding titles (think Senior Cyber Security Consultant earning less than a plain old Software Developer). Its all about appearance - but don't get sucked in.
As a senior cyber security consultant, this feels like a direct shot at me
Ha, I always that all my senior security consultant friend earning a lot more
you do have 2 chairs though, so thats something
Too much social media perhaps? https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/02/150203123415.h… See this article on facebook envy and correlation to feelings of depression
You scroll through their FB profile to see their happy vacation photos, happy status updates etc and you start to compare yourself to them and think you're inferior in some way. Just stop scrolling through their feeds and stop researching how much they earn would probably the first step.
Be ambitious but enjoy what you have, there is always someone seemingly doing better that you.
As others have mentioned just because someone's life is shiny on the outside doesn't mean that they are spotless, everyone has their issues.
Be much better than them so they compare to you instead
I say, Be a much better version of yourself, so you'll feel happy when you look at your progress. :)
If they are truly your friends, grab a coffee or beer with them and chat about their career and learn what you can about why they're moving up.
In my experience, most people who get stuck in their career are people who generally have too high an opinion of themselves and are not learning from others who are successful, but instead, revert to jealousy and not longer improving. You have to change the question, it's not "why am I not getting promoted", it's "why are my friends getting promoted, what can I learn?"
I understood they wanted strategies not to compete. Being content is an option.
Get your sensible and proactive advice outter hereee REEEEEEEE!!!
Does anyone have any tips and thoughts of getting out of this toxic cycle.
Try this.
https://i2.wp.com/marcfrankmontoya.com/wp-content/uploads/20…
Normal people, travel up to the base URL (marcfrankmontoya.com) and have a nice long look at the sorts of stuff rektrading stuffs his brain with, it's all #freedompreneur #cryptobro flexes all the way down.
Watch some Anthony Robbins tapes from the 90s and compare and contrast (if there are actual differences).
The only way to not spin the 🐀 wheel is to not be in the cage.
"Sick of being paid to do what your boss tells you? You don't need to, you can make your own money and be your own boss and not take orders from anyone - just subscribe to my course for a modest fee and do exactly what I say to find out how!"
At least chain letters supported the postal service.
@Crow K: This was snarky but I'll be honest - if 'escaping the rat wheel' actually works out for you and this isn't one gigantic speculative bubble slash train wreck, I'll be happy for you, anyway.
@Crow K: One of the best decisions I made was to quit my job and cash in.
💵 can't buy the feeling of not having to call in on Monday morning to ask for permission to take a day off.
@rektrading: It's not crab bucket mentality or jealously, I think the people pushing these schemes are at best naive speculators ("Sure, I can make a living trading crypto!") or scam perpetrators ("I know this doesn't work, but I'm making money convincing others that it does").
Flagging the "just opt out of the rat race bruh" as a viable option is ridiculous (IMHO), which colours my response.
@Crow K: I'd be happy for a relative who won the lottery, but I would think of them as reckless if they sold everything they owned to buy lottery tickets.
@Crow K: Look through my posts. I'm not selling anything. No goods, no services, no newsletters, no buy/sell signals, no Telegram/Twitter/Discord, no ICO / IDO / ISO, free airdrops or pamp and damp 💩 coin.
Yes, I did post that I bought Ether below $2,000 because it had damp -50%. It was oversold and was due for a recovery. I'm still hodl after a 2nd -50%.
https://www.ozbargain.com.au/comment/10485259/redir
https://files.ozbargain.com.au/upload/393946/91796/0-02-0a-c…
My goals are not other people's goals. I post things that work for me because I have the technical skills and risk profile to make this work.
Btw The technical skills aren't something people can go to college or uni to learn. They don't teach this stuff there. It takes tonnes of reading and 100hr of videos.
@rektrading: I think crypto is speculation. However, I like that you do what you want and are passionate about it, and that it's working for you. I'd rather be trading crypto than working, but don't have the balls (or the skills) to do so. I generally enjoy your cryptoposting.
I embrace it, if you can't beat them join them. My friends started getting 20-30% pay rises immediately. If i had stayed put my bank balance would be far smaller than if i hadn't followed them. Money attracts money and if you have a can do attitude then it's infectious.
The average grad will change jobs 3 times in the first 5 years, it's the norm now.
Companies (especially engineering) will strive to sap every last ounce of your energy as long as you keep giving them great profits. The only way to break this cycle is to jump ship. Loyalty doesn't work in this day and age, grads are cannon fodder now that unions are non existent.
If money, promotion and job titles are all so important to your friends, seems you hang out with the wrong people.
Never understood why all that crap is so important to some - it isn't competition, it's egotistic narcissism.
You make your own future, dump all the unnecessary fodder/friends along the way
So what, your 'friends' get more money or have fancier titles than you do. Are they any happier or better than you are?
People brag because they are insecure and by talking BS they try to build up their confidence levels.
If you are happy with your current situation just smile, nod your head, and ignore them.
Pride goeth before destruction
Book of Proverbs, 16:18
Have problem.
Don't care.
Now have no problem.
So zen
This is how i treat climate change
Only you can stop the problem. Be satisfied with what you have, or strive for more, but don’t strive for what others have, only what you want.
It’s easy to say, but hard to do.
Only at first.
If they are very close friends, I would celebrate their achievements (their happiness makes me happy - also their shout for drinks all night). If they are not close friends, then good on them / lucky them but meh.
Agree - I feel happy when my friends achieve something they have been working towards. I think these grad program friends OP has are not real friends. They should maybe dump them and look elsewhere for friends. Preferably ones not in the same industry 😛
Yes, different industry, less need to make a comparison!
"Whilst it's easy to just say "don't compare yourself with others", I feel like it's hard to do."
Really?
So you don't like the best answer because it 'feels hard'?
Oh dear………
Surround yourself with less successful friends, then your meagre achievements will make you feel superior or at least equal
First post and comment in 6 years posted 3 hours ago
Last seen online 2 hours ago.
No replies to these responses yet.
Is Gaz too busy comparing himself to other to reply?
Is he ever coming back?
Some of the skankiest, crappiest, back breaking, life sucking jobs I've known had great titles. It's standard smoke and mirrors for many companies.
When I worked at Goodyear they promoted you to management very quickly because… then you didn't get paid overtime for the 60 hour weeks you were doing.
At my store we had more managers on salary than workers.
Stop referring to yourself as "Gaz", before you know it you will be promoted to a much higher level than anyone you know
get yourself a hobby. Life is much more than your job. I'm kind of in the same position, did a grad program plus 4 years and am still just a professional as opposed to a senior. I don't really care since I've realised work is just a means to an end i.e. to earn a living and fuel my hobbies.
May I please know what your hobbies are and how to maintain a solid one
Long distance running, trail running and in general anything ourdoorsy (hiking, camping, 4wding). I also loooooove food… might explain why I'm so into running. Pretty much my job pays for my gear and my food. I know i could be earning a lot more in a smaller company (I work in one of the major engineering consulting firms) but my current employer puts a lot of emphasis on flexible working which is great for my running.
Are you jealous or envious?
Whilst it's easy to just say "don't compare yourself with others", I feel like it's hard to do.
It is hard to do. Envy and jealousy are both difficult emotions to process.
It's even harder if you yourself don't feel like you are enough, just as you are.
Maybe you never got enough unconditional love. Perhaps you only got love and attention when you achieved something great, or you had a lot of expectations placed upon you, by yourself or others. Maybe it's more, or none, or something else.
Perhaps this is a good opportunity to explore with a good therapist.
It's a lot easier to fix while it's still a leak.
👉 Envy 👈
im jealous of people who win the lotto esp the guy/girl that won 63m the other day, thats life
"You really probably don't want to win the lottery. Even if you think you do."
https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2012/03/terribl…
Hey there, i think I know how you feel with being behind everyone in your uni cohort as I am/was one of them.
I focus on:
Relationships - family, spouse, in law, multiple friend circle (despite being quite introverted) this was something I felt was definitely more important than money and title.
Hobbies - I have a bunch of hobbies because there is a lot more to me than just work. Boardgames/miniature painting/photography /videograohy/games. This all eliminated my need for social network and helped helped me mentally. I am happy and content because I get to do stuff I enjoy for fun with no deliverables from my hobbies.
Focus on financial stability - saving a large chunk of my income to either offset loan or invest in ETF. I was hit with a financial crisis in 2012 and so this was important for me.
I think overall, take time to figure out what makes you happy outside of work and what you think is important to you in 10 years time.
I hope this helps and all the best
It’s okay to compare and notice the differences as long as it doesn’t get you down. We’re human, we compare ourselves by nature. Your career isn’t over so there’s plenty of time for your own successes if that’s what you want. Also make sure you have different friends and interests as well.
When you are old and grey and likely retired, the job title you had or the slightly more money you earned won’t mean much. You can’t take it with you when you die anyway. If your friends want to compete on such petty things then maybe it’s best to consider making new friendships. It’s human nature sometimes for people to compete so tell them your concerns and if they slap you in the face be prepared to turn the other cheek and walk away.
If you can, try and think long term. My best career opportunity only came up 5 years after I graduated, and it was my old uni friend who had surpassed me that got me the job, with him as my boss. It was awesome, and now I’ve been promoted to his level and we are still great friends.
Make sure they stay your friends, relationships are more important than qualifications and be happy they are moving up quickly. One way or another, they will bring you with them.
Do you actually know what they're on?
SOme people get titles straight out of uni like "associate director" and it means nothing at all.
Other things to consider if they're on more than you:
1) They may be unhappy in other aspects of their lives
2) If they have a family then their income is much less
3) Maybe they have expenses you don't know about
4) People often inflate their income or flaunt it with leased cars etc
And the biggest
5) Even if they are making more money than you, it doesn't affect your life.
… it doesn't affect your life.
It could. When out in a group, everyone could be eating lobster and you're the only one eating soy sauce with rice! 😁
Soy sauce with rice is pretty good! As long as your lobster friends don't want to split the bill evenly.
I had a lot of soy sauce and rice when I was younger. I have to say, I don't remember it being bad. But I do remember it was good on certain days when I go a special fried egg! with it! haha
then your friends are assholes if they're taking you to a restaurant you can't afford.
Haha this true. Ive always has fairly poor friends and even $25 was too much for some of them, I end up shouting those who are financially struggling
Maturity and tru friendship and appreciation of those around you should sort this out.
Being competitive with your mates is one of the worst things you can do. Truth is, in your group, there'll be some who are actually better than others. That's life. No matter where you go, there's always going to be someone better. I guess the question is.. what does jealousy actually achieve? Absolutely jack shit, if you ask me. All it does is cause problems.
The person you should be competing against is yourself. That is, challenge yourself to do your personal best. Instead of trying to compete against each other, you should be trying to encourage each other (to do their best). When your mates are doing well (even if it's better than you), you should be happy for them.
If your friends are achieving things that you feel are important to you and you feel jealous, that’s how you feel. It’s what you do with that feeling that’s important.
Channel that feeling into examining your career and see what they have done to move up, then consider if that is something you would want to do yourself. eg move interstellar or OS for a job, extra study..
You may be passionate about different things to your friends?
Whatever, it is challenge to yourself to have a GHLAY and that isn’t a bad thing.
Where jealousy is destructive is where you let it ruin your relationships. It’s totally up to you.
Not career advice but will get you out of the jealousy cycle you talk of: tell one of these people that you are experiencing feelings of jealousy towards them.
Guaranteed you will feel one hundred percent better and your friend won't mind - probably bring you closer.
Focus on what's good in your life.
Be happy/content with what you have :)
Let's be friends. Might make you feel better.
Git Gud
Rather than compete with them, learn from them instead. Talk to them about what has helped them get their promotions and raises, and reflect on how that's different to what you do. Flip it all so that instead of being a bunch of people competing, you're a supportive bunch helping each other get ahead. :-)
It's something you have to come to terms with yourself. You should always try and be happy for the achievements of others.
For example, a lady who had been working for many years less than me at my company, went and told my boss she was offered another job and was going to leave. My boss said we can't afford to pay you more, however you can have one paid day off a fortnight.
Initially, I was so angry I was ready to quit. But then I thought about it, if it was me that got that deal, would I expect all my workmates to crack it and threaten to leave too? I'd want them to be happy for me. It wasn't her fault the boss gave her this deal, he could've just just said ok thanks for the notice.
The Milky Bars are on them.
One of my colleague licked manager's balls and ended up becoming the manager after the original manager quit.
You weren't willing to go above and beyond?
Where does competition end?
Salary? Who has a more beautiful partner? Who is better looking? Who has more friends? Who has more degrees?
Real wealth is generational, so will you be jealous of what your friends inherent?
Promotion doesn't necessarily mean higher earning, or happiness.
Focus on yourself and what makes you happy otherwise you'll be in competition forever and probably never content.
Don't sit on IG, you'll get depressed seeing how apparently everyone is beautiful (filters) & wealthy(😂)
Nah it’s who got most bitcoin, best properties and most importantly the best looking and hot girlfriend. Don’t forget who got the coolest looking car and best drugs to play with
It’s all about money authority power what you own obtained from various means
There is no competition with others, only yourself.
What people show you in their life on social media is just the very tip of the iceberg. The heavily filtered polished tip. You don't see their misery, insecurities, whatever else they may have going on in their life.
As others have said- celebrate your colleague's/friends success, turn that envy into positive energy and be happy for them. If they can do it, so can you. The question is, how prepared are you to make it happen? It's not going to land in your lap- you need to initiate.
Get off social media, stop comparing yourself to others.
Have your own goals in mind and where you may see yourself and family in 5 years, 10 years time. What you already have or what you are working towards…
if they are true friends I’d be proud of their accomplishments whatever they might be. The experts say it is important to surround yourself with people who are smarter and aim to achieve more.
Take a dump on their lawn. You'll feel better.
Titles mean nothing. I'd be a cleaner if it paid 7 figures.
Which means money matters and hence OP. OP said titles and pay. Normally they mean the same thing.
P.S.
Most of the friends I've had four 20 years, they don't really aspire to earn more money or work more.
I wish I could be surrounded with more driven people to bounce ideas off, but a lot of people I know just expect to get paid big money for doing nothing.
As others have mentioned, use that jealousy for drive.
Is it really jealousy, or envious?
Yknow I actually agree with you on this one. Many of my closest friends aren't particularly successful (they're certainly not doing badly but they're hardly high-flying executives!). And sometimes I think it could be beneficial to have people with better connections, better jobs, bit more money, etc, particularly on the occasions where I've interacted with friends of friends who are a bit more…aspirational
I'm not saying that's actually what I want, but the thought does enter my head from time to time
Friends or Peers? 2 totally different concepts, If they are true friends you wouldnt be jealous of them. IF they are peers then it is understandable that you may on some level compare yourself to their career progression.
Yep totally agree that’s what I was saying too.
go at your pace and chose your own path, be content with what you have
FOMO, Envy, Keeping up with the Jones will wear you out and you live a very unhappy life.
that goes for everything in life be it business, investment, hot market tips, job prospects
if you happy to own 1 property or stay in one job then that is your path, if people has 10 properties and moving around who cares
that is not your path, you are not in there shoes.
Remember you only see the good thing they willing to show you, you don't know what is hidden in their closet.
Be content, map your own happy path
It's called envy, not jealousy.
Be grateful for what you have.
3 years ago, I used to be jealous that people my age were higher up the food chain. However, when I helped them out with their work, it turned out that they didn't have the knowledge I had since I bounced around various industries trying to find what made me happy.
Similarly in my current work, there are people younger than me by 3-5 years, who don't have the knowledge I have, and are completely blindsided occasionally when I have more experience.
Even in relationships, I used to envy those who got married and engaged faster than I did. Now, I can see that I was just setting up my life better and that when I do get married to my SO, we have assets I probably wouldn't have if I got married earlier.
So, don't use anyone else as your work or life yardstick - only you can live your life and it will be completely different to everyone else's.
This is going sound very dark and depressing, but not all of us can live in a world of sunshine and rainbows so I think its worth saying.
Nobody lives the golden life that you think they do
Life is a battlefield, with bullets flying nonstop. You might think your friends are doing better than you, speeding across the grass field while you struggle though mud, but that's only for this moment. What about a year from now, 5 years, 10 years. That grass field might catch alight, burning them alive and leaving them forever scarred, while your mud patch turns into a river deep enough that you can catch a boats that moves faster than you could ever move. Nobody ever really knows how its going to go. Nobody. Sometimes early successes are an indication of future success. Other times its the thing that softens you up before the knockout pouch
Meanwhile, those bullets are always flying. Cancer. Car crash. Drug addiction. Mental illness. Untimely death of a loved one. Messy divorce
There's bullets flying around nonstop, and it only takes one to destroy your life. Individually, each one is unlikely to happen to you. Maybe 1 in a 1000. Nothing to worry about, right? But there are 1000's of bullets flying around. You really think your friends will avoid all of them, across their entire lives? And when that happens, how much will that extra 30 or 50 or 100 grand a year really help them? It might soften the blow, but even winning the lottery is not going to make up for it if they have a child that dies.
Once you know that, its easier to be happy for your friends successes, to wish them a life full of happiness and free from misery and pain and genuinely mean it. Because chances are slim of that happening, no matter what they do.
Nobody is getting out of this alive.
Dark.
I like it.
This is a really good way to look at the issue! It only takes one event to topple someone's 'Perfect' life.
I also started a grad program with a group of people and became friends with some of them.
We do have a bit of competition who's getting more $$ and etc, but we openly talk about it and share information.
It's a good thing that you have driven, motivated people around you.
Don't listen to low testosterone losers saying competition is stupid, don't compare yourself to others and etc.
They are just sad losers that failed to beat the competition
I certainly wouldn't be concerned about a job title.
And there is more to life than money.