Draft Letter To My (Sort Of) Niece - Indicating

Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 12:59
Last edited 18/06/2018 - 13:02

OK, so the forums on Ozbargain are as much about social commentary as bargains. Help me solve my dilemma. My partner's niece drove us home from a function on Saturday night. She is 23, and we are on good terms. I was a little aghast at her attitude towards indicating. I've drafted the following letter…..should I send it?

Thanks for driving us home on Saturday night. I noticed something, and I thought I should tell you about it. I know I’m just your sort of/almost uncle, but I have been driving for 45 years without a major accident (I’ve been rear ended twice in stop-start traffic…no damage). You’ve got more than 45 years driving in front of you. If you don’t get it right now, the habits you have will stay with you forever.

My observation? Indicating. It isn’t optional. It’s not just that the law says you must indicate when changing direction, no matter whether other cars are around or not. Indicating every time you change direction - on roads, in car parks, anywhere – is probably the most important good driving habit that you can develop. It can save your life.

You may check your mirrors, see no other cars and change lane, turn a corner or do a U turn without indicating. You may get away with it 200 times. Perhaps 500 times. But one day, the car (or motorbike or bike) you don’t see will be there. Indicating in advance of your movement gives the other car a chance to beep you or to take evasive action.

Indicating in advance means just that. When changing lanes, develop the discipline of letting the indicator blink at least three times before starting to move across. Let it blink once, and it might be just when the driver behind is checking his mirrors. Keep the indicator on as you move across. It should be on for at least seven blinks. Indicate every time you pull out from the kerb, pull into a parking spot on the street or in a car park….every time you change direction.

Not indicating doesn’t save your blinkers from wear and tear. It isn’t physically taxing. You aren’t gaining anything from not doing it. I don’t mean to preach…..I just don’t want you ending up a casualty of your own habits.

Automotive

Comments

  • Gronk on 18/06/2018 - 13:03
    +172

    Wait, so she gave you a lift home and you're thinking about sending her a letter critiquing her driving?

    I'd be encouraging you to take an Uber in future if I were her.

      • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 17:04
        +16

        I'm interested in your perspective. How do you feel that someone older could communicate something they see as important to you?

        • cookie2 on 18/06/2018 - 19:29
          +79

          talk to the person, don't write up a letter to them about it.have a conversation. BUT if you don't have that relationship with the person (which you obviously don't as otherwise you wouldn't be writing it up in the first place) then JUST DON'T SAY IT AT ALL.or let her actual aunt mention it to her. Also she did her driving test; she got her license. I think she knows that indicating isn't optional so I don't think you're going to do anything with this letter other than make her think you're a hard arse, try hard father figure weirdo (and I mean no disrespect by that comment, honestly). sometimes it is more important to create a mutually respectful relationship with someone instead of trying to teach them something at first opportunity. good luck. :)

        • taoz on 18/06/2018 - 21:33
          +5

          put yourself in her shoes.
          pretty sure youd come up with the answer quickly!.
          imagine getting a letter about driving after giving a lift home…………

        • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:26
          +41

          Hire some male strippers in police uniforms and get them to pull her over to teach her a lesson.

          It'll be more fun, memorable and hands on than a letter, and you won't be the bad guy.

          And that's why you don't fail to indicate!

        • wozz on 19/06/2018 - 06:37
          +5

          @Scrooge McDuck:
          I think this approach will come across much better than a letter.

          I've decided to do this for my boss at work as I noticed he didn't indicate coming into our driveway the other day, thanks for the tip!

        • geoffs87 on 19/06/2018 - 07:13
          +7

          @Scrooge McDuck: should one of their arms fall off also?

        • TransportPosters on 19/06/2018 - 09:24
          +1

          @Scrooge McDuck: Perfect idea, turn the negative into a positive.

          (this was in reply to the male strippers comment, the site didn't put it under that for some reason)

        • sAmiZZle on 19/06/2018 - 23:38
          +5

          Seriously you will come off as a major douchebag sending a letter especially after she did you a favour. You mean will but your method is wrong. Something like this needs to be said face to face at the right moment. At the next social event you see her at, when everyone is laughing and joking you need to slip in a comment about her lack of indicating. BUT you need to do it with a smile on your face and even a bit of a laugh. Step 1 is the primer, to compliment her driving (as poor as it was). Something like, "jeez thanks for taking us home the other night! I've never seen someone maneuver a vehicle between lanes like you!" Step 2 is the setup, "Is it a new thing to not have to use the indicator much these days? I must be old school!" Let her reply and then gauge how she reacts. Obviously you will have got her thinking that she should indicate more at this point without even directly critiquing her driving. You're making it sound like she is a genius at what she does! But from here you could offer some kind and caring observations without being a douchebag.

        • Inzo on 20/06/2018 - 00:45

          @Scrooge McDuck: they are not hot cops, they are actual cops!

        • [Deactivated] on 25/06/2018 - 00:56

          @Scrooge McDuck: only works if one of the cops loses a hand.

      • smartazz104 on 18/06/2018 - 19:15
        +23

        Good drivers do indicate for every lane change, what sort of comment is that?

      • Banana on 18/06/2018 - 21:16
        +6

        You don't indicate? Ahh..you're one of those…

      • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:21
        +50

        Can you honestly say you indicate for every lane change?

        I indicate for every lane change. It's part of the habitual procedure I follow every time: Mirror, indicator, blind spot. It doesn't matter if it's 3 AM, completely isolated and the lane is ending, I do it every time, no exceptions.

        There's no reason not to do it, except for evasive maneuvers and sloppiness.

        • Munki on 19/06/2018 - 09:14
          +3

          There's no reason not to do it, except for evasive maneuvers and sloppiness.

          Or if you drive a BMW.

        • MetaphorOZB on 19/06/2018 - 15:11

          Hmm, I wonder if OP's niece drives a BMW.

        • Musing Outloud on 20/06/2018 - 18:27

          Or an Audi?

        • BartholemewH on 20/06/2018 - 20:58
          +1

          I also indicate left for the exit of every round about, no matter how small, even at 3am.

      • SnakeCasablanca on 19/06/2018 - 08:45
        +19

        I indicate for every lane change. I indicate every time I make a turn on the road. I indicate in shopping centre car parks. I indicate at the end of my dead end street when I turn into my driveway. I dont even think about it. It's better to train yourself to indicate no matter what the circumstances.

        Indicating when you don't really have to and there is no one around to see you = No Problem.

        Not indicating when you should = Potentially deadly.

        • cameldownunder on 19/06/2018 - 13:05

          I indicate in shopping centre car parks.

          Do you also indicate right, if the only way in the car park is going right ?

        • HighAndDry on 19/06/2018 - 13:20
          +2

          @cameldownunder: Not the person you asked, but I actually do just on reflex. But I also still forget sometimes so… I don't think there's anyone who indicates literally 100% of the time.

        • [Deactivated] on 19/06/2018 - 13:51
          +3

          'no one around to see you' - See the problem is, there's going to be at least once where you're going to 'think' there's no one around to see you or no pedestrian around that corner in the dark. And that indication is going to save a life because you're going to be wrong.

          Humans are fallible, being extra safe is only optional until it isn't.

    • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:15
      +18

      Wait, so she gave you a lift home and you're thinking about sending her a letter critiquing her driving?

      OP has genuine concern for his niece and those around her. He's offering constructive criticism.

      Most people are too proud, too fragile and too ungrateful for advice like this. A sensible person would receive it attentively and appreciate the opportunity to improve.

      • Blitzfx on 19/06/2018 - 08:53
        +6

        Yeah, I can't believe so many people upvoted such a shitty comment. It's legitimate criticism . I almost always indicate 99.999999% of the time simply because if there's someone in my blind spot and I make a mistake, THEY wont have time to react to me.
        Or if there's some crazy driver switching lane really quickly and frequently.
        Or if there's a biker lane splitting
        Or if there's a vehicle speeding in the adjacent lane
        Or the near infinite reasons that people should use their dam indicators.

        They're the next accident/road fatality waiting to happen.

        Getting a free lift doesn't bar anyone from giving legit criticism. It's like being given a free ice cream but sprinkled with shit pellets. The ice cream is still shit and you wouldn't eat it.
        Or are these same people going to eat the shit and stop complaining because it's free?

        • Speckled Jim on 19/06/2018 - 08:57
          +4

          +1 for bonus analogy

      • bobbified on 19/06/2018 - 09:09
        +7

        OP has genuine concern for his niece and those around her. He's offering constructive criticism.

        I think most people don't disagree with what OP's trying to bring attention to, but it's his method of delivery that may not be the most effective.

        His target audience is a 23 year old family member that he says he has a good relationship with. What's wrong with sitting down like two normal human beings and having a conversation? There are a whole range of benefits in doing that over writing a letter.

        • Scrooge McDuck on 19/06/2018 - 09:26
          +3

          What's wrong with sitting down and having a conversation? There are a whole range of benefits in doing that over writing a letter.

          We don't know much about the niece's personality or the uncle's verbal communication skills. Either approach could be better depending on these.

          If the recipient has a tendency for emotional instability, overreacting defensively, insecurity, jumping to conclusions, vindictiveness, etc, a letter can be better. It lets the recipient read it in private, reread it, be 100 % sure of what was said, and comprehend the entire message.

          If the author lacks skillful use of tone, flow, body language, etc, a letter can be better. It lets the author cultivate exactly what they want to say ahead of time and mitigates non-verbal faux pas.

        • HighAndDry on 19/06/2018 - 09:58
          +4

          @Scrooge McDuck: Great points in general, but in this particular situation given the minor nature of the subject matter, a letter is going to start off seeming heavy-handed.

        • bobbified on 19/06/2018 - 10:02
          +2

          @Scrooge McDuck:

          We don't know much about the niece's personality or the uncle's verbal communication skills. Either approach could be better depending on these.

          We can only go by what OP has told us and "having a good relationship" to me means that they can at least talk and genuinely be nice to each other.

          Guess a letter is not the first thing on everyone's mind when it comes to something that would seem to be easily resolved.

          A 23 year old, who is used to texts and messages on social media, would find it quite strange to receive a letter from a family member containing criticism and their first thought would most likely be "wtf?". OP could then been thrown into the "weird uncle" basket! lol. (That would be a very difficult basket to get out of).

        • Scorpex on 19/06/2018 - 14:01

          @HighAndDry: I'll come back in on that one. Driving a car is the most potentially lethal activity carried out by the average human being. Punting a tonne or more of metal around demands a responsibility to others, no matter how you regard risks to your own personal safety. Indicating properly is a key component of minimising the risk of realising the lethal potential of driving. I don't think it should be considered a minor subject.

      • cameldownunder on 19/06/2018 - 13:06
        +3

        He should have told her right then ! Not wait till she got him home. <s>Imagine the risk he took, all those turns, without indicating </s>

  • Ocker on 18/06/2018 - 13:04
    +13

    So what's your full time job - a policeman?

    Aside from that, if I was your niece and I received that letter then guess what - bloody walk home next time!!

    • cameldownunder on 19/06/2018 - 13:07
      +1

      Price to pay when you are honest !

    • AddNinja on 19/06/2018 - 15:37
      -1

      I understand why you’d do that. It is because you’re an unsafe driver who can’t take well intentioned criticism.

  • onetwothreefour on 18/06/2018 - 13:06
    +50

    Lol this must be a troll

    • Gronk on 18/06/2018 - 13:20
      +1

      Yeah I think someone's having a lend…

    • chanleystan on 18/06/2018 - 22:44
      +6

      lol it's not as good as that public barbecue one.

      • bad hombre on 19/06/2018 - 06:28

        Haha! That BBQ one has to go into a money saving ideas hall of fame or something.

  • Dean29 on 18/06/2018 - 13:09
    +9

    Does she drive a BMW??

    • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 15:42

      Nuh….Barina!

      • smartazz104 on 18/06/2018 - 19:15
        +1

        If I were you I would have caught the bus instead.

        • Repi on 18/06/2018 - 23:07
          +3

          I've seen buses pulling out without indicating

        • bargdebarg on 19/06/2018 - 17:47
          +5

          @Repi: its ok, he'd write them a letter

  • ronnknee on 18/06/2018 - 13:11
    +31

    I don’t mean to preach

    Are you sure? Every word of your letter sounds like it. Why did you not bring it up on the spot? Why wait a few days and send her a complaint letter?

    Honestly if you were my uncle, I would hate to do you anymore favours, and consider not going to your next family gathering.

    • HighAndDry on 18/06/2018 - 13:16
      +2

      Yup. If anyone I'd given a lift to sent this to me, I'm going to conveniently have "other plans" every time they need a lift in the future.

    • [Deactivated] on 18/06/2018 - 14:28
      +3

      No offence but…

      • tomleonhart on 19/06/2018 - 11:51
        +2

        It's like people say "I don't mean to be a dick" and then proceed to be a dick.

        • [Deactivated] on 19/06/2018 - 11:53
          +1

          They cannot possibly be a dick because they already said they don't mean it.

      • cameldownunder on 19/06/2018 - 13:08

        .. to be honest … and don't take it personally … nothing against you, just good advice.

      • Flying Ace on 19/06/2018 - 20:37

        "I'm not racist, but … [insert racist remark]"

  • HighAndDry on 18/06/2018 - 13:13

    My friend, "gratitude" is a thing. She was nice enough to give you a lift home, show some gratitude.

    • Entropy Sky on 18/06/2018 - 19:29
      -3

      In return, giving her 45 years of driving experience.
      Saving her potentially murduring someone or some family in the future.

      Nothing wrong.

      • HighAndDry on 19/06/2018 - 11:55
        +1

        If she listens. No one is arguing that indicating isn't needed. We're debating how best for OP to approach this so that his almost-niece will actually take it onboard.

        • Entropy Sky on 19/06/2018 - 13:23
          +1

          With the world changing, where only nice things are accepted, even harsh word is deemed evil.

          She will learn it the hard way, only thing I hope is she doesn't murder someone or some family in the process.

  • Domingo on 18/06/2018 - 13:13
    +25

    Why does it need to be a letter? Why can't you just talk to your niece about it?

    Make it personal, talk about a near miss you've had (make it up if you need to) and how that changed your behaviour.

  • [Deactivated] on 18/06/2018 - 13:13
    +41

    I would suggest a less formal approach. Writing a letter seems to elevate the significance of the situation and will come across as a bit stuffy. As so few letters are sent/received, trust me, she will never forget that you once sent her a letter about indicating.
    I would advise highlighting the issue in a less formal situation when you're together, try to make it light-hearted and friendly. I'm sure she will understand your concerns and know that it is coming from the right place.
    Yours, Marjorie Proops

  • Adz81 on 18/06/2018 - 13:14
    +26

    You must be a lot of fun at parties…

    I can imagine her reply…

    "Dear Sort of/Almost Uncle,
    The ride home I gave you on Saturday, was extended as a courtesy, much the same as one might apply the title to of "Almost Uncle" to someone who is not a family member. May I suggest that you take your critique of my driving ability, and insert it firmly into yourself.
    (profanity).
    Thanks,
    Not your Niece."

    • Adz81 on 18/06/2018 - 13:15
      +8

      An informal chat would be a much better option.

    • smartazz104 on 18/06/2018 - 19:16
      +6

      I don't think someone who has such a blasé attitude to driving could even imagine formulating such an articulate response.

  • Archi on 18/06/2018 - 13:15
    +2

    next post after this..

    niece demanding payment her for a lift home she agreed to do free of charge before hand after a Saturday night function. the catalyst must of been when I critiqued her driving through a open letter I sent her. now she wants money for all the other times she has given us a free lift home. should I write her another letter to critique her morals and values?

  • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 13:15
    +2

    Interesting comments. Not a troll. So how does she learn? The hard way via fine or accident?/

    • HighAndDry on 18/06/2018 - 13:17
      +36

      I wonder, why not just say something casually when you were in the car? Are you usually in the habit of writing letters nitpicking minor things days after the fact?

      Honestly, next time you see her, just say something like:

      "Hey, sorry to be that boring / annoying uncle, but last time I forgot to mention that you really should indicate more. I know I know, it's not a big deal but I've had one or two close misses with people who didn't and I'd hate to see it happen to you. Anyways, thank you for driving us the other day too."

      And add a small gift, (maybe a carwash voucher?) to it.

    • pf2 on 18/06/2018 - 13:19
      +15

      Did you raise it during the ride? If not then you've missed your chance.

      • bad hombre on 19/06/2018 - 06:30

        Maybe not! Ask her for a ride again and then you will get your chance to critique the current trip and the previous trip. I would do this before sending that letter or no deal.

    • zonra on 18/06/2018 - 13:21
      +6

      I think people are trying to say the letter isn't the best idea.
      Off the top of my head, maybe bring it up next time in a friendly chat.

      • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 15:40
        +3

        Thanks…yep…good advice

    • Gronk on 18/06/2018 - 13:57
      -3

      So how does she learn? The hard way via fine or accident?

      It's quite literally none of your business, but if your overactive sense of duty compels you to act then a light hearted comment in the heat of the moment probably would have been far more effective than a (probably condescending) letter after the fact.

      • Banana on 18/06/2018 - 21:20
        +7

        I disagree. It's not really 'none of his business'. Imagine if something bad actually happens, directly or indirectly as a consequence of her bad driving habit.

        We are talking about families broken, lives lost, damages to the road..alright alright I might be exaggerating, but I find this comment a really shallow view.

        The society needs more 'busy body', I don't mean the kind that dictates what people eat; rather, if you see something that's not right, speak up. Sometimes, it could be the difference between life and death.

        • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:33
          +3

          if you see something that's not right, speak up

          Agreed! Bystanders are part of the problem.

    • kerfuffle on 18/06/2018 - 14:36

      Pretty much.

    • smartazz104 on 18/06/2018 - 19:16

      Hopefully via a fine…

    • sanerr on 18/06/2018 - 19:20
      +1

      Why didn’t you make a passing comment at the time?

      You’ve missed your chance now, anything you do now will come off horribly and you’ll create unnecessary awkwardness. Everyone else will hear about it and will side with her, forget about it, don’t accept anymore lifts and get on with your life.

      Good day sir.

    • Micko179 on 19/06/2018 - 08:46

      Sadly the fine is pittance & the Police (at least here in QLD) do very little (nothing) to enforce it, gee even half of them(Police) don't bother to indicate, drives me insane!

  • Ocker on 18/06/2018 - 13:16
    -1

    Fellow OB'ers, just be thankful the OP is not YOUR partner. The mind absolutely boggles at the nit-picking that person must go through in life.

    • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 16:18
      +3

      Have you been talking to my ex again??

    • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:54
      +2

      Fellow OB'ers, just be thankful the OP is not YOUR partner. The mind absolutely boggles at the nit-picking that person must go through in life.

      It's quite unfortunate that you feel the need to bully someone, let alone someone trying to help another; and ironic that you're unconstructively criticising someone for diligently seeking to offer constructive criticism.

  • [Deactivated] on 18/06/2018 - 13:20
    +3

    but I have been driving for 45 years without a major accident (I’ve been rear ended twice in stop-start traffic…no damage).
    snigger.

  • chumlee on 18/06/2018 - 13:30
    +5

    If you have the hots for her just tell her, don't use some weird letter about indicators

    chumlee on 18/06/2018 - 13:30 (Collapsed - Offtopic. Show)
    • smartazz104 on 18/06/2018 - 19:17

      How did you go about it?

    • kiitos on 20/06/2018 - 22:49

      If you have the hots for her just tell her, don't use some weird letter about indicators

      He did, didn't you read between the lines?

      I know I’m just your sort
      …
      of/almost uncle

  • [Deactivated] on 18/06/2018 - 13:31

    It's best on a post-it note instagram on mumsnet.

  • berger on 18/06/2018 - 13:33
    +5

    if you want to distance yourself from family, send the letter.

    Best option is get over it. Try to be the cool uncle. Can't you bring it up in a light hearted conversation at a family do?

  • mick123 on 18/06/2018 - 13:33
    +2

    I think the letter is fine, but to really get her attention you would be better off posting to her Facebook timeline rather than sending this in any personal mail/email/text.

  • inasero on 18/06/2018 - 13:40
    +7

    i think it's good of OP to raise the issue, i know i've made lots of mistakes and had accidents (fortunately minor) which could have easily been prevented with the benefit of foresight

    as other people are saying, your approach would be better received if you brought it up in a casual, joking manner. also throw in a few anecdotes about your own accidents to show you're not meaning to be arrogant, but that you truly have her interests at heart, and she'll thank you for your feedback

    • freeo on 19/06/2018 - 08:49
      +2

      Agreed. Nothing wrong with expressing your concern - but how its delivered makes a big difference. I wouldn't do it in written form.

  • Oz8argain on 18/06/2018 - 13:57
    +5

    BMW does not have indicators, waste of time.

  • pantsparty on 18/06/2018 - 13:57
    +4

    She will not learn anything from a letter from her annoying uncle. Let her learn the hard way and mind your own business!

    • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 16:44

      Hmmm, think I see your point. Guess we've got to keep the panel beaters in business

  • gaz3342 on 18/06/2018 - 14:01
    +9

    Send it anonymously claiming to be the ghost of someone who died in a crash caused by non-indication.

    • idonotknowwhy on 19/06/2018 - 12:11

      LOL.

      Thanks for driving us home on Saturday night…

      Jee, I wonder who sent this letter?

  • bobbified on 18/06/2018 - 14:16
    +2

    Have you lost your voice?

  • [Deactivated] on 18/06/2018 - 14:17
    +3

    Make sure you hand write it and send by snail mail to really drive home your message.

    • Scrooge McDuck on 18/06/2018 - 23:40
      +3

      Alternatively, break into her home and fingerpaint it on the walls with tomato sauce for maximum impact.

  • onetwothreefour on 18/06/2018 - 14:20
    +1

    Send it to her on Twitter and also post it to the South Australian Roads Twitter page so that more people can see the warning and adjust their driving appropriately.

  • Ryanek on 18/06/2018 - 14:25
    +1

    This will not go down well. Don't expect any future lifts.

  • websterp on 18/06/2018 - 14:49
    +1

    Very soon cars would indicate themselves and change lanes and do everything you've mentioned without the need of a human at the wheel. So save your energy, time and the relationship with your almost niece and get an Uber next time.

    By any chance do you live across a park with a public BBQ in it?

    • Scorpex on 18/06/2018 - 15:06

      Haha - I read that one!

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