Help with Tricky Neighbour Situation

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  IMadeYouReadThis on 14/07/2023 - 10:37

  Hi OP, sorry to hear about your situation and the harsh comments haven't been too helpful either.

  First thing first, you can't really work from home and look after kids - you will suck at both things if you try! - This I am telling you from my experience where we tried to keep our kid home once every week and it was a terrible decision. Please send the little one to childcare 5 days a week or work part-time and spend time with them on your day off.

  The school-going child should also be going to vacation care/camps, the reason they are doing what they are doing is because they want your attention. You are otherwise looking quite busy with work so the only way they can get your attention is by throwing things over the fence. Keeping them busy/occupied with various activities will bring a lot of joy in your life.

  Once you have implemented the above two, then the next step would be to discipline your kids and explain how it can hurt others and if they don't listen then unfortunately you will just have to keep them indoors until they understand.

  Installing a net over the fence might be a short-sighted solution IMO as you are not curing the problem (which is boredom and lack of attention while you are busy with work). If you do this, they will find another way and may start throwing pebbles and whatnot at your glass door.

  Please give them the attention they need - I know it (sending them to the childcare/camps or going part-time) can be quite challenging financially but in long run you will never regret this decision, however you may regret deeply keeping them home and stressing with parenting/jobs etc.

  All the best mate!

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  imrichkid on 14/07/2023 - 10:42

  +1

  Ask Trump to build a wall for you!

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  [Deactivated] on 14/07/2023 - 10:58

  Work, or parenting. You can't do both at the same time effectively.
  At the end of the day, responsibility falls squarely on the parents for the kids' behaviour.

  As others have mentioned: higher fencing, childcare, go to the office to work, or full time parent. All at your cost, time, and effort. You need to bend over backwards to not impact your neighbour considering the cirumstances.

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  FlyingMiffy on 14/07/2023 - 12:44

  Put up lattice to extend the height of the fence might be the easiest solution. The harder one might be to run a no loose items in the backyard policy and that means getting rid of those pebbles and no small toys. Something more creative, rather than trying to prevent the outburst, offer an avenue for the outlet. Maybe a punching bag, a ball tied to a string that can be kicked hard without flying everywhere or just cardboard boxes that can be destroyed on a whim

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  Typical16-bitEnjoyer on 14/07/2023 - 12:59

  hoping people can suggest a solution to minimise the impact.
  we can't monitor them at all times

  Have you tried monitoring them? Not rocket surgery here.

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  gromit on 14/07/2023 - 13:06

  +4

  It is not a tricky neighbour situation. It is a tricky kid and lack of supervision situation. If you can't monitor them then perhaps you need to put them in child care for the day or as has been suggested build screening or remove the objects going over the fence, really though neither of those addresses the core problem of your child NEEDING supervision.

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  Drakesy on 14/07/2023 - 13:58

  Due to busy work schedule, we can't monitor them at all times as well.

  Either send them to childcare
  or
  let your parents look after them
  or
  don't work and look after your kids/supervise them?

  WFH with a special needs kid is just asking for it.

  I have friends who had ADHD, get them into a sport from a young age and they'll pretty much manage themselves.

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  wills8585 on 14/07/2023 - 15:27

  +7

  I've got two boys with ADHD, aged 7 and 9. I get up early with them every weekend and take them out to the park or footy fields. The exercise tires them out and helps when they're at home.

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    Protractor on 14/07/2023 - 19:01

    -2

    and were your 2 boys diagnosed by a professional and at what age?

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      robbyjones on 14/07/2023 - 19:48

      What difference does that make?

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        drfuzzy on 14/07/2023 - 19:49

        If the professional who diagnosed is also the neighbour they can help resolve their own complaint.

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          robbyjones on 14/07/2023 - 19:50

          @drfuzzy: What? That's just ridiculous.

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        Protractor on 14/07/2023 - 19:54

        +1

        Because I'm just curious as to how prevalent the (1) condition is and (2) how many people are NOT being formally assessed.
        Big difference between saying a kid has something, and actually having the condition formally diagnosed. And newsflash. Kids go through crap behaviour periods. "Terrible twos" ring any bells? Toddlers notoriously fling crap everywhere.
        Does not mean ADHD. Hence the age question.

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          robbyjones on 14/07/2023 - 19:58

          +1

          @Protractor: I understand, the formal diagnosis is a very long process, more eliminating what it could be before arriving at ADHD. There is so much negativity surrounding ADHD but it is very real and lifelong. Having said that I pretty much knew my son had ADHD way before he was finally diagnosed, it's much more than being naughty or age behaviour.

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            Protractor on 14/07/2023 - 20:43

            -3

            @robbyjones: Until you (anybody) have a diagnosis, then it's fair to say it's a hunch, a guess a suspicion, etc.
            A bit rich to dodge the question of whether the kid in this case is suspected of having it or not. Because frankly until we know that all we have is conjecture. Until then you and a few others seem to be defending a mirage.
            So for me the OP has a badly behaved kid, (maybe more than one) and has an admitted intermittent monitoring process while they (both parents) put work before their own children.

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    Mozzmanau on 14/07/2023 - 20:26

    -5

    ADHD is just built up energy that needs to be burned off and another condition they can medicate kids with to get them hooked on amphetamines (Speed) because that's what they give them.

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      robbyjones on 16/07/2023 - 13:41

      +1

      Such an uneducated, thoughtless response.

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        Mozzmanau on 20/07/2023 - 00:43

        🤣🤣🤣 You can get a psychiatrist to diagnose you with ADHD by answering about 10 to 15 questions. That's what they base their decision on. I know exactly what I'm talking about because I know the whole process, how I can't say. I think it's you who's uneducated. Giving kids SPEED because big Pharma wants to hook kids and medicate them all their lives is NOT the solution. That's called creating an illness or disorder to make a profit. Amazing how you are too uneducated to see that is the real problem here.

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          robbyjones on 20/07/2023 - 20:43

          @Mozzmanau: I could say so much here but we are just never going to agree. I will say I agree that medication shouldn't be the first thing you do when given a diagnosis.

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  The Wololo Wombat on 14/07/2023 - 17:49

  -1

  Smacking your child would not be inappropriate here.

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  [Deactivated] on 14/07/2023 - 18:21

  -1

  a) Tarps not nets.
  b) Toys are no longer permitted outside. If they do take them outside they loose them for a week, then a month, two months, etc.
  c) Remove everything loose like pebbles. If it's a rental so you think you "cannot" remove pebbles because they're decorative, do it anyway. Store them in plastic bags or whatever and put them back the night before inspection.
  d) Kids can't throw anything over the fence if there's nothing there to throw. So the new rule is large stuff only out the back… e.g. A swing set, not matchbox cars. A trampoline, not action figures.
  e) If rocks are just on the ground, cover the yard in cardboard or old carpet, pour a trailer/truckload of soil over the top, then grass or grass seeds. All the rocks are now under the cardboard/carpet layer. With garden beds put heavy sheets of plyboard over them. Any trees/shrubs, cut the plyboard in half where the tree is, cut a half circle out of each piece, bring them together around the tree trunk, then screw down a thin piece say about 10cm wide over the cut line making it one piece again and too heavy for a kid to move.
  f) Kids are only allowed outside when an adult has time to sit and watch. An hour or two a day. The rest of the day they play inside with play dough, paint, colouring pencils, toys, whatever.

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    nobro25 on 15/07/2023 - 12:26

    +2

    Just go to a nearby park and let them play cricket until they're tired. They can throw and hit all they want.

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  CowFrogHorse on 14/07/2023 - 19:54

  +3

  Besides the options such as netting, you need to wake up and take your kids outside and play with them so they get tired and need to rest.

  Running on the beach, kicking a ball in the park, etc lots of activities like this that will get them tired, that way when its time to work, they need to rest. Repeat at lunch time or as often as necessary.

  There are no easy options that you buy this and its over, you need to put some effort instead of thinking one action will solve the problem.

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    Mozzmanau on 14/07/2023 - 20:20

    +2

    ^^^^^This 100%

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      CowFrogHorse on 14/07/2023 - 20:22

      +2

      Pathetic how many lazy people give lazy options. Buy this and its problem fixed. Nobody mentions putting a little REAL effort, just lazy bullshit.

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        Mozzmanau on 14/07/2023 - 20:24

        +2

        Yep exactly. They think they can put an ipad in front of them or give them medications to stop the behavioural problems rather than actually find the root cause and fix it.

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  Mozzmanau on 14/07/2023 - 20:19

  +2

  Your kids has heaps of built up energy, take him to the park, get him involved in sports, he's bored out of his mind.

  Check out Jordan Petersons interview about ADHD. He's a clinical psychologist.

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  goldiep on 14/07/2023 - 22:55

  +1

  Hi OP,

  Sorry to hear about your struggles (and even more about the response from members of the Oz Bargain community that clearly have no idea about neuro diverse children and their care requirements). Kids and parenting can be challenging without ADHD diagnosis, so hang in there and keep taking care of them :)

  I think you're on the right track; the netting might be a viable solution, in addition to changing to other sorts of toys, etc. If this is feasible and keeps the kids entertained. You mentioned the problematic behaviour increases when your child gets angry - can you identify what some triggers are that might cause this behaviour and try to reduce/alleviate them?

  As some have mentioned, continue to engage with your neighbours, and perhaps (if they permit and your child is able to comprehend) introduce them to your child, explaining that throwing items over the fence might cause your neighbours harm. It may also be beneficial to talk to your neighbours about ADHD and provide them with some additional information about your child's health related behaviour.

  If it's REALLY bad, you may wish to talk about your child's behaviour with your treating medical practitioner. My eldest son has been taking some medication for his ADHD, which has significantly reduced his anxiety, behavioural issues, increased his concentration and provided emotional stability; enabling some relief for mum and I and giving my son a renewed level of confidence and emotional control.

  Hope this help?

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  mattyman on 15/07/2023 - 14:50

  +1

  Shock collar.

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  Raif on 16/07/2023 - 22:44

  +2

  I was going to write a detailed response but then I realised you're the person who wanted to kill all your lizards (and was likely trolling). Please, go and get help from a psychologist. As is typical of your posts, you have not provided enough information for anyone to help you aside from suggesting the bare minimum i.e. netting. For instance, I'm left wondering (along with age, medication, etc) exactly how you use outside time.

  It seems likely, based on your account, that when the children are becoming too hard for you to manage inside (or after you are pulling them off their screens), you are putting them outside, dysregulated, unsupervised, and hoping they will somehow self-regulate themselves. In doing so, you have turned going outside into a type of punishment for when they need you the most. You have given two great reasons for why they can't self-regulate themselves effectively. You need to be going outside and parenting your children, connecting with them on some sort of activity together. What activities do they have outside? These could help with regulation. Try to make going outside a positive experience, and do more than 'monitor' them. I think you will need professional help with this.

  I'm also left wondering, what happens to the toys thrown over the fence? Typically this is a situation where natural consequences i.e. losing those toys, would lead to some sort of a reduction. So many more questions, like what are they doing inside aside from screen time? Why does it sound like the only alternative to going outside is screen time?

  Please get some support, there are many effective parenting strategies for ADHD. I think it will really make a difference.

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  Protractor on 21/07/2023 - 11:33

  Who diagnosed to child?

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  Protractor on 21/07/2023 - 15:22

  -2

  Social media has begun rearing children, because the 'look ot moi' fwits pumping them out have no idea, never had, never will.

  https://www.perthnow.com.au/entertainment/brisbane-mother-di…

  We need to license breeding or pray that covid vaccines and covid sterilise humans.
  IVF should be user pays.. And it should not be available after 40 years of age.

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  inasero on 23/07/2023 - 18:11

  +1

  According to my understanding, ADHD doesn't cause children to throw objects over the fence. Is there something else going on here that we might not have considered?

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    CurlCurl on 27/07/2023 - 18:38

    -1

    According to my understanding, ADHD doesn't cause children to throw objects over the fence. Is there something else going on here that we might not have considered?

    Your knowledge is incorrect.

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      inasero on 28/07/2023 - 08:38

      Care to share your sources and enlighten me?

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        CurlCurl on 28/07/2023 - 14:23

        Care to share your sources and enlighten me?

        Lets just say, one daughter is a special needs teacher in a primary school with 22 years experience and my other daughter a support teacher in a high school with 30 years experience. Both have done accredited training on Asperger's, Autism and ADHD etc. Tell them those children don't launch chairs and whatever in the classrooms and out the window.

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          inasero on 30/07/2023 - 06:55

          @CurlCurl: Yes, but I would argue that's a discipline issue not specific to ADHD, as a result of their difficulty communicating

          Here are the DSM-5 criteria for ADHD, and nowhere does it mention throwing objects:

          People with ADHD show a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity–impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development:

          Inattention: Six or more symptoms of inattention for children up to age 16 years, or five or more for adolescents age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months, and they are inappropriate for developmental level:
          Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
          Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.
          Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
          Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
          Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.
          Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
          Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).
          Is often easily distracted
          Is often forgetful in daily activities.
          Hyperactivity and Impulsivity: Six or more symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity for children up to age 16 years, or five or more for adolescents age 17 years and older and adults; symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for the person’s developmental level:
          Often fidgets with or taps hands or feet, or squirms in seat.
          Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected.
          Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may be limited to feeling restless).
          Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly.
          Is often “on the go” acting as if “driven by a motor”.
          Often talks excessively.
          Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed.
          Often has trouble waiting their turn.
          Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games)
          In addition, the following conditions must be met:
          Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms were present before age 12 years.
          Several symptoms are present in two or more settings, (such as at home, school or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities).
          There is clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, school, or work functioning.
          The symptoms are not better explained by another mental disorder (such as a mood disorder, anxiety disorder, dissociative disorder, or a personality disorder). The symptoms do not happen only during the course of schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder.
          Based on the types of symptoms, three kinds (presentations) of ADHD can occur:
          Combined Presentation: if enough symptoms of both criteria inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity were present for the past 6 months
          Predominantly Inattentive Presentation: if enough symptoms of inattention, but not hyperactivity-impulsivity, were present for the past six months
          Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation: if enough symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity, but not inattention, were present for the past six months.

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  emmalovestravel95 on 28/07/2023 - 08:12

  +1

  This is a really hard situation to be in and I can fully understand. I have a child that lashes out when frustrated. Luckily, I've never had to deal with him throwing things over the fence. You're right, they need time outside. As hard as it is, the less screen time, the better. Kids need to burn energy. Reasoning with a 3 year old is very hard, especially when they have ADHD. I think your best bet is to raise the fence somehow. Hopefully this is just a temporary means to an end. Good luck!

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  Protractor on 06/08/2023 - 20:47

  +1

  Congratulations OP. You made the big time

  https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/kids/aussies-not…

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