Hi guys, keeping this short and sweet.
I need the cheapest possible plan available, PAYG with ZERO data is fine because this plan will never be used just needs to be set up and left dormant.
There was a free or dirt cheap one I remember rubbishing at the time due to ad spam and data rates. I can't remember who that was with but ironically that'd be perfect for me now lol.
Not pensioner-only deals, I can't use those.
Not sure about NBN, back in the ADSL days DODO used to meet both your requirements - Cheapest, crappiest
Perhaps they still practice the same business philosophy with NBN.