Hardest Stage of Baby/Parenting?

Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 16:29
Last edited 12/09/2023 - 16:34 by 1 other user

Hi parents. We just have our 3 week old now and mentally, we’re really overwhelmed and struggling on the lifestyle change. We are sleep deprived (hard to calm down our bub between 3-5am) and really tired on catching up on our daily chores. Wife is still struggling on bf (pain and soreness) and leg pain from birthing.

My inlaws tried to visit us few weeks ago (helping on cuddling and letting bub sleep) but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc) though, we can nap during day time.

Now I’m thinking if I let my parents go visit us this Oct or maybe wait until bub is 5-6 months old. Just worried about wife’s mental health when I go back to work as we feel alone at home.

We also have some friends support which are also parents but sometimes we cannot see them as their kids are sick. Just seeking for personal experiences from you guys on which stage our scenario will likely improve? Cheers

Toys & Kids

Comments

  • 87percent on 12/09/2023 - 16:32
    +24

    look into sleep schools. Often, if you have private health, it’s pretty much covered

    But you’ll get through it, but then comes the next stage when they keep moving. Then comes when they start to learn to crawl and walk

    Rinse and repeat until they’re about 4-5

    • Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 17:24

      Will look into that. We’re new parents, probably the change and control got really into us

      • Chong on 14/09/2023 - 10:26
        +2

        Personally I have 2, oldest is turning 7 in a few months, and one thing we did early is we split the night time into two so one of us can look after bub while the other sleeps seperately in another room. You generally get a sense when they be done to sleep so don't overstimulate them, and the time they can stay up vastly changes as they grow up, the first few years of their life they are growing at a rate they will never grow at again, and it takes alot out of them. They also have no sense of pacing themselves, so they can be super active one moment and the next they fall asleep sitting.

        I just go with their cycles. Let them nap when they want, babies at that age cant overeat, they stop when they are full, and they sleep when they tired, if you keep them up, good luck.

        So far between 2-3 are when they are the cutest, primary school are when they are generally better behaved. 13 they start hitting the rebellious age (its hormones so you can't really stop it, just hope you have taught them enough and ensure they got a good range of friends).

        Apparently it starts wearing out between 19-23, but none of the kids i watched grow up have hit that age yet…

    • iDroid on 12/09/2023 - 19:04
      +23

      Rinse and repeat until they’re about 24-25

      FTFY

      • mskeggs on 12/09/2023 - 19:46
        +24

        They are pretty nice between about 6 and 12.

        • iDroid on 12/09/2023 - 19:56
          +3

          Yep, those years are anomalies.

          • BanannaMan on 13/09/2023 - 11:57

            @iDroid: You guys are really making me worried for when my daughters hit teens..

            • Kangal on 13/09/2023 - 18:30
              +5

              @BanannaMan: You reap what you sow.
              Be a great parent, and have average kids. Or be an average parent and have nightmares.

              Or just leave to get ciggies and milk, and if they grow up to be prodigies, then mysteriously re-insert yourself into their lives.

    • CoreArchitect on 13/09/2023 - 07:52
      +48

      Sleep school at 3 weeks? Abit early I'd say.

      Routine. Routine. Routine. Is what is most important.

      • morse on 13/09/2023 - 07:55
        +6

        A lot of time sleep school is also about the parents emotions and coping style, not just the babies sleep. Sleep school also helps to put the routines in places and teach the parents how to settle bub. Yes, three weeks is early but I reckon a lot of parents suffer unnecessarily in those first few weeks.

        • CoreArchitect on 13/09/2023 - 11:15
          +1

          It's hard to say if going to sleep school at this stage will have any benefit at all. When my wife went with our 1st, a big part of it was developing self settling routine. Which is way to early for a 3 week year old. They most likely has no routine and just sleeps most of the time.

        • Donmega123 on 13/09/2023 - 19:14
          +2

          Word so much about reassuring neurotic parents.

      • lainey13 on 13/09/2023 - 12:42

        You're optimistic thinking they can get in straight away. Often there's a long waiting list so might as well apply now.

      • Donmega123 on 13/09/2023 - 19:13

        Yeah man OP just focus on one day at a time don't look for big solutions. Sleep schools have a massive survivorship bias and all evidence I've read is based on tiny sample size. Your kids will sort it out before you know it.

      • juki on 14/09/2023 - 20:15

        +1 even when kids are older
        and learning to let go of your old routine as a new parent also

        I'd look into breastfeeding issues if your partner is finding it painful, its not meant to be

        different things helped for different kids, first baby liked white noise, second baby wanted to sleep in the middle of the lounge around everyone
        depending on age at some point they need to learn to self settle too

        maybe seek some advice from the maternity unit you did all the pre natal stuff

      • garage sale on 16/09/2023 - 03:27

        routine worked for me as a dad 2-4 a feed was expected and wife espressed with pump but low milk meant 2-4 my turn to feed was formula and a nappy change even if moist not wet and all was good. the wife used to not change moist nappies only wet ones to save money and caused problems. babies are either hungry or uncomfortable, and uncomfortable includes most nappies. i own sedan so many changes were done on the bonnet, if no maccas nearby, easy clean if needed and more room than back seat.

    • Therealjohndoe on 14/09/2023 - 13:45
      +1

      You can’t sleep train a baby this young, nor should you try. As someone has said below you have to go with it as much as possible as Bub will have own sleep routine for a while. If you place expectations on when Bub should and shouldn’t be sleeping it just makes it so much harder, acceptance and being as flexible as you can is key.

      Having as much parental and social support to give you breaks is super important.

    • unhuman on 14/09/2023 - 19:23

      What is a sleep school? Is it like a guide or service provided on phone or thru email? There’s few I see.

      • juki on 14/09/2023 - 20:16
        +1

        maybe its an accounting class, or a linguistics class, i remember getting a lot of sleep done then :)

    • Korban Dallas on 14/09/2023 - 22:11

      Omg these I thought was some sort of scam. But literally after two days completely different child. It's hard over those two days. But I literally place my child on his belly and he is asleep within 5 minutes. No crying. 95% of the time sleeps through the whole night.

      He was about 1 when we did it. But probs should have been earlier.

      Fully covered by private health. Last night is great. Nurses take over and give the parents a night off for a date night.

      Expect it to be hard but gets much easier after 6 months.

      Ours were quite active and not a potato. Within 2 months holding a bottle themselves and flipping over.

      No naps after 4.
      Wake up if still asleep by 4:30
      Eat
      Bath or shower
      Bedtime storey
      Sleep at 7:30

  • Jimothy Wongingtons on 12/09/2023 - 16:35
    +14

    As someone with a 3.5 and 2.5 year old, it does not.

    • spackbace on 12/09/2023 - 16:37
      +6

      Just wait till you're dealing with teens and tweens :P

      • bargaino on 12/09/2023 - 21:04
        +30

        People have short memories. Toddlers are generally much worse, far more exhausting.
        Babies vary, but the early months (after a couple of weeks honeymoon) were the worst for my baby #1.
        It gets gradually easier until they start full-time school, then paradise until some time into puberty.
        Sure they become less pleasant, but also far less demanding. I'll take a grumpy teen hiding in their room, and occasionally yelling, over a baby who screams for hours, or a toddler needing constant attention.

        OP, it gets a lot easier!

        • dbmitch on 13/09/2023 - 14:26

          Agreed, As the oldest brother of 4 by 15 years difference, there'll come a time where they want your attention less and want to try things on their own. And that was defs easier than waiting for them to cry daily

        • 10khours on 18/09/2023 - 14:22

          Totally agree about people online having short memories.

          I see a lot of people complaining that their 25 year olds are such a difficult age - people just think whatever stage they are in currently is the hardest while completely forgetting the struggles of early years.

    • [Deactivated] on 12/09/2023 - 16:44
      +11

      C'mon, it's not all bad. Their cherubic wittle faces make you forget all the tough times.

      • Jimothy Wongingtons on 12/09/2023 - 16:45
        +4

        Haha yeah they are alright

      • rumblytangara on 12/09/2023 - 17:00
        +1

        Their cherubic wittle faces make you forget all the tough times.

        Only cause you're so sleep deprived for so long that that it wrecks your long term memory :)

        • [Deactivated] on 12/09/2023 - 17:47
          +1

          Thankfully, over the sleep deprivation phase.

          Memory still intact - annoyingly, I remember everything, doesn't matter when it happened. Actually, good & bad points to this.

    • Korban Dallas on 14/09/2023 - 22:16
      +1

      1 year difference your poor wife

    • Spam Service on 15/09/2023 - 08:02

      I found the second year much easier than the first. Yes they can move about so you can't just put them down quickly, and they might suddenly fight you to do things you just did before. But sleeping should be longer and more consistent (fewer times to get up at night, and you can have your evening off after putting the baby to bed after dinner time), at least is is for us and most people in our mother's group.

      • Jimothy Wongingtons on 15/09/2023 - 08:22

        I legit still get woken up almost guaranteed 10 times a night , I do cosleep with both of them though. Just easier for our sanity…

    • 10khours on 15/09/2023 - 10:25

      As someone with a 3 year old I completely disagree. Newborn stage sucks big time and 3 year old is way easier.

      So far for us - from easiest to hardest
      1 year old
      3 year old
      2 year old
      Newborn

      • jzdhgkd on 17/09/2023 - 11:16

        For a moment I thought you'd had 4 kids within 4 years!

    • Dreamcast on 17/09/2023 - 04:38

      Who would of thought you're a daddy!

  • spackbace on 12/09/2023 - 16:38
    +1

    What sort of routine do you follow? What time is bedtime? Is it preceded by a bath etc? What time is naptime and how long is it allowed to go for?

    • spackbace on 13/09/2023 - 15:47
      +1

      Still curious for the answer as routine can make a huge difference at every stage of childhood

      • Alpine58 on 13/09/2023 - 19:43
        +4

        In my opinion, at this stage, stuff the routine. It's just another thing you start stressing and worrying about.

        Sleep when the baby sleeps, your awake when the baby's awake, let them to them.

        Our first we tried to routine to death. The second, just rolled with the punches.

        • Logical on 13/09/2023 - 20:53
          -1

          that's clearly rouge and a joke comment, right…

          • Alpine58 on 13/09/2023 - 22:39
            +3

            @Logical: Wasn't meant to be - but perhaps maybe to strong.

            What I mean is don't get obsessed by the routine. It can make things worse. Sure try for it, but also, the baby will want to sleep when it wants, eat when it wants, and shit when it wants.

            Can cause you start overthinking everything..

            I'm conscious the OP may be putting too much pressure on themselves, and to not add to that.

        • spackbace on 13/09/2023 - 23:41

          I'm sure you still routined somewhat. Still would've had a set bedtime you wanted them down by etc

    • nobro25 on 14/09/2023 - 07:57
      +3

      Lol!!! Clearly you haven't seen enough babies. Yes some babies have their sleep routine. Most babies around the 3 mth age are sporadic. Then can sleep like for 3 hour blocks so you as a parent can't get the full hours of sleep. Yes you might be able to fit 2 sleep cycles, but ideally 4 sleep cycles in a row.

      Though it takes times for the baby to develop a decent sleep cycle. Give it atleast 18mths.

      Then you get to the 3-4 year old toddler stage where they refuse to sleep because they want to play and all that jazz.

      Honestly it depends on the baby. Obviously parenting helps, but some babies are just more co-operative than others.

  • haroldmac on 12/09/2023 - 16:39
    +17

    Two teen girls here

    You have it easy

  • stuffandthat on 12/09/2023 - 16:40
    +14

    As a newish dad I found that there wasn't much I could do for the baby, especially when I went back to work. I could change him, and bath him. But realistically the best place I could be was in the house doing as many chores as I could. When we had visitors we didn't worry about the state of the house. The main focus was meeting the needs of the baby.

    What's happening between 3-5am?

    • Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 17:28
      +1

      Thanks. I’ll stress this to my partner which I guess overthinking everything.

      Bub usually wakes up between 3-4am after 2-3 hrs of sleep. She was feeding her and nappy change but doesn’t want to go sleep/crying until 5am

      • ihbh on 12/09/2023 - 18:12
        +5

        Check if baby still hungry and give more

      • cheapcheapazn on 13/09/2023 - 11:39
        +7

        Check baby for gas. My son was very gassy and was difficult to burp after a feed.

        • EBG on 13/09/2023 - 12:15
          +10

          Agree, their digestive system is immature and most active at this time so they can be quite uncomfortable. Always try to burp at least 2-3 times during and after a feed, and take note of what mum is eating as the enzymes sometimes that can affect bub too in the milk (eg garlic, onions, cabbage, broccoli) and make them windy.

          The midwives showed us how to make a warm wrap (eg a small towel/bunny rug heated up in the dryer) around their tummy to also help soothe them and gently moving their legs like they are riding a bike.

          As others have said, routines are key for you and baby. I swear by the ‘Little Ones’ program which has age appropriate routines and guides for feeding / settling from newborn to age 3. They also have an online village in the app where you can reach out to their consultants for tailored advice.

          I also like the Wonder Weeks app because it helps you prepare for and understand the big development leaps your baby goes thru which will often unsettle them for a period of time.

          Honestly, the first six weeks are brutal while you are on the steepest learning curve and completely sleep deprived. You both really need to look after your mental health and reach out for help if you find it is getting too much.

          I also don’t think mums are prepared enough for how hard breastfeeding can be, it doesn’t always come as ‘naturally’ as you would think. Lactation consultants are amazing and I would also highly recommend seeking one out if you are still experiencing challenges.

          It will definitely get easier and be kind to yourselves, you are doing great :)

          • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 20:48
            +3

            @EBG: Ive got an 18m and 4 yr old. It becomes a blur, but i agree with above that baby prob needs burping. And agree with you that dads role (if wife is fully breastfeeding and you arent taking turns with bottles) is to keep mum hydrated and fed. Baby is just an eating/sleeping machine for first 3 months, so feed, burp, nappy, sleep, repeat.

            And just do whatever gets you through day by day.

            We had a few nights in hospital with first bub and we had no idea what to do. Luckily widwives came in regularly to help with feeding, nappies, wrapping in blanket until we got hang of it. 2nd night baby wouldnt stop crying and this older widwife came in, burped baby and insta sleep. She then said the young midwives never do/show this.

      • Ricktheroller on 13/09/2023 - 21:07

        Bub sleeps 2-3 hrs? Sheesh you've done well, the sooner you realise things don't get better for a long time the better. Harsh perhaps but it's reality.

      • Antikythera on 14/09/2023 - 23:31
        +1

        one tip. sleep when the baby sleeps. don't think oh now I have time to do X.

        also in-laws and parents are there to help. don't clean before they arrive. set them to cleaning once they arrive.

  • coolhead on 12/09/2023 - 16:45
    +5

    -as much as you want to support each other it pays to play tag team at night- we used to do one person till 3am and the other the rest, meanwhile both of you can get some rest.
    -sleeping during the day when baby sleeps is a must. Don't try to finish other chores when baby is asleep.
    - 3am-5am maybe just a phase, i hope you guys are feeding the baby at that time
    - try putting some light music (no videos) or get a small bedside lamp to distract the bub

    • Gloomy on 12/09/2023 - 17:31

      Yeah I really insist to my partner to rest during daytime.

      Bub usually wakes up ~3-4am, we feed and change her but a bit irritated/crying afterwards and stays awake until 5am

      • Member 0230 on 13/09/2023 - 10:34
        +14

        You're pretty much in survival mode here, so our best advice during this stage:
        Sleep when baby sleeps. Whatever time of day.

        • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 20:51
          +3

          Yup forget chores, just survive :) its a new world that people cant understand until they live it

        • ddilrat on 15/09/2023 - 11:11

          Everyone always said this but in all honesty there is always stuff that has to be done like cooking dinner and washing laundry so we rarely found that this approach was possible. Better support was getting a friend to hold and feed the baby while awake so we could do a few things and then nap together.

      • Succulent on 14/09/2023 - 12:00
        +6

        Dont do "we" at 3-4 AM. Try to do it in turn. Most likely mum will be needed more because of the bf. So dad can try to not worry, trust the mum and go to bed. If you are using expressed milk/formula, then dad can also take the night shift while mum rest. If possible, one good long night shift is better than many short sleep throughout the day. Producing milk and changes in hormone is tiring, so mum's rest would be priority.

        From morning till night, after mum finish bf, take over from mum (burping, changing nappies, bathing, enjoying the moment when they start to smile, etc). When dad takes over, mum can catch up on the sleep or have their "me" time until the next bf. When mum is bfing, dad can do other household chores or having me time too.

        Try to enjoy what you like or find new enjoyment during the bfing/burping time so it doesnt feel soooo long. You can walk around in the backyard/garden while burping them, or watch new netflix series.

        As other's said, dont worry about having your house looking like a shipwreck when guest/parents/inlaws are coming. All parents has been there and no one is entitled to judge. If any, they come to help, so they might as well help you clean your house, cook for both of you, etc. That is what I am going to do for my kids when they have bub. I will do their house chores so they can have more time enjoying their new bub.

        If you are a "control" person, it may seems way out of control and you dont like it. Well, welcome to parenthood. We learn to adjust and let go our will and wants. Accept that life wont be the same as a parent. It has its own joy too.

        Trust me it gets easier physically (lack of sleep and not like being out of control is the main culprit here). The quicker you accept and embrace the change, it starts to get a bit easier to adapt. Science says it takes 30-40 days for body to adjust to new routine. As the baby grow there will be different joy and challenges than what you are facing now, but thats for another day.

        If there is any consolation, heaps of people around the world have gone through what you are going through right now (maybe even some of them in a more challenging situation such as health issue with bub). Both of you can do it too!

        There is also free newborn parents group where you can go and ask questions about your bub and be in a room with other family in the same stage as yours.

    • [Deactivated] on 12/09/2023 - 20:54
      +3

      This, do shifts so one of you can have an uninterrupted sleep, preferably in another room while the other tends to the baby. You both need to be rested (as much as possible) and be sane otherwise you can’t look well after the baby.

      Day naps are a good idea unless your baby can only sleep cuddling mum or dad.

      • wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 12:18

        Second this. Take double shift stints so partner has a longer rest. Ie wife would stop at say 9pm, I would then do midnight feed, and 2am or so. That way wife would have a decent stretch from 9 -4. Doesn’t seem like much but anything over 2 hours is a plus!

  • dust on 12/09/2023 - 16:48
    +7

    Some things get easier but other things get harder.

  • djones145 on 12/09/2023 - 16:49
    +3

    it tough, mate teo boys here, 6 and 8 now
    tips
    - try mothers group so at least ur wife can chat to other mothers too
    - have u consider formula and/or pumping and using the bottle, means one can sleep through one feed cycle
    - just sleep anytime and anywhere!
    - with the 3 to 5 am lack of sleep have u tried music? maybe its cold(extra clothes). sometimes u xant explain it

    it will get better… tough it out!
    we had it tough too, baby was a premmy, didnt take bf well, meant had to try bf and then do a bottle, for every feed, every 3 hours. and also tried to pump and use that in bottle.

    • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 20:53

      Formula takes longer for baby to digest as well, whereas breastmilk is more watery. Baby might wake every 90mins to 2h with breastmilk but 3h sleep with formula, so that might helpl

    • Optimist Prime on 14/09/2023 - 21:45
      +2

      This is the best comment in this thread.

      You are only 3 weeks in, so it's still a shock to you both. Welcome to your new life, where nothing goes to plan and you are constantly figuring stuff out! :)

      My advice to new parents (and dad's in particular) is to be kind to eachother, communicate and just roll with what the baby brings. Try and enjoy it. Sleep when you can. Don't read too many books about parenting and just use common sense.

      Join a mums/parents group. It's a must. If you don't like your first one, ask the nurse to put you in the next one!

      Enjoy those baby cuddles mate, as they disappear sooner than you'll think.

      Hang in there mate. You've got this. :)

  • dahax77 on 12/09/2023 - 16:55
    +2

    We got a Snoo - was expensive but resold it for what we paid and it seemed to help a LOT with settling/sleep which made things easier (or maybe we just were blessed anyway).

    Take things in turns - have a break. Sleep in a seperate room for a while - do whatever it takes to ensure you aren't both sleep deprived and can function. Don't worry about the needs of family members etc - they are the ones helping you!

    Order food in or grab pre-prepared meals etc for a couple of weeks. Heck even hire a cleaner if you can afford it - just try and make things easier on yourself.

    It's the best experience of my life but yes it's a challenge and your life is now different as it's now about someone else being the most important thing and not just you. It will also remain challenging for the rest of your life - just in different ways.

    All the best.

    • Wokstar on 14/09/2023 - 09:05

      100% agree with Dahax77. Ordering food or getting pre-prepared meals. In our first month we had food delivered for my wife and there was enough for me too and this took the stress out of cooking. Just grab the meal and reheat. I didn’t use the service but a colleague of mine used “Dinner ladies”, there are other similar Asian services depending on which state you are in, just have to look for it on FB.

      If you split your roles clearly so that your wife only needs to look after baby and herself, and you take care of everything else it makes it easier. It can be stressful juggling everything, but its part of the challenge and you will realise what did you ever do with all your time before you had your baby

      Try to be as supportive and kind to each other as it’s not easy this early on but things do get ‘easier’ especially after 3 months.

  • SBOB on 12/09/2023 - 16:56
    +18

    but we felt more tired attending them (cleaning and preparing etc) though

    no idea why you'd think relatives coming to see a new baby care about the cleanliness of your house.
    And tell them to make their own coffee or sandwiches.
    They really arent there to see you anyway :)

    If you're overwhelmed, reduce the workload.
    Didn't clean the bathroom or vacuum the floors this week, who cares…
    Non essential daily chores are just that.

    Mental health, sleep when you can, and adjusting to life turned upside down is all part of the process.

    • jjjaar on 12/09/2023 - 17:03
      +9

      no idea why you'd think relatives coming to see a new baby care about the cleanliness of your house.

      Spot on.

      And if they are worried about it, they can clean it for you.

    • Catsfan070911 on 12/09/2023 - 17:13
      +2

      Yeah this is really solid advice, always remember you need to look after yourself to effectively look after your child
      The concept of 'good enough parenting' is a useful one to look in to, it sounds worse than it is :P

      • SBOB on 12/09/2023 - 17:16
        +1

        The concept of 'good enough parenting' is a useful one to look in to, it sounds worse than it is :P

        anything above "keeping them alive and happy" should be considered over achieving :)

      • Grunntt on 13/09/2023 - 12:03
        +1

        This is really good explanation of the concept.

        https://forestpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parenting/

    • wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 12:19
      +3

      Relatives coming should be helping you! Get them to cook if possible. One less worry !

    • Bargain434 on 26/09/2023 - 19:56

      Yes, do not attend to them. Guests should be expecting nothing and if they do, they can make their own food and coffee, otherwise they shouldn't be visiting at this early time. In fact they should be bringing you food and cleaning your house.

  • MS Paint on 12/09/2023 - 17:04
    +42

    My only advise advice is to start preparing your child now for selective school.

    • FoxJump on 12/09/2023 - 17:11
      +1

      Yes. that other guy will think poorly otherwise.

    • dbmitch on 13/09/2023 - 14:28
      +2

      This better become an Ozbargain Meta Meme for the rest of our lives

    • Miss B on 13/09/2023 - 19:50
      +1

      Make sure they are an A++++ student, because A+ is not good enough.

    • a-friend on 13/09/2023 - 22:26
      +1

      emotional damage

  • outlander on 12/09/2023 - 17:11
    +1

    It gets better mate. Another few weeks and things settle down

  • Catsfan070911 on 12/09/2023 - 17:11
    +4

    Unsure which state you are in, but we really leant on the child health nurses and outpatient midwifery services that were available for free up here in Queensland. If you find yourself struggling with sleep at any stage, look up the Ellen Barron centre.

    Need a referral from a child health nurse, then it is covered via Medicare. Was excellent for our child who was 10 months old at the time and who had struggled with their sleep. There were children of varying ages there (younger and older than ours). It is basically a week long stay. We fully committed to it with both my partner and I attending the full period of time (it is optional for both parents to attend) and tried to take on board all of the advice and training we were given.

    https://www.childrens.health.qld.gov.au/chq/our-services/com…

    Can definitely sympathize with your in laws situation. I had my mother in law (normally lives 23 hours of flights away) stay for 1 month before the birth and then the first 2 months after our baby was born and I would say the overall net affect was negative. You do feel yourself catering to them more than they are able to assist you at that early stage. I would say you will benefit much more later on once you have settled in to your routines and are able to relax a little more around your child.

    My overall advice would be, be prepared for challenges at each little stage your child goes through, try to enjoy what you can of it without always wishing for the next stage, as there are drawbacks and benefits to each developmental change that comes along. At some stage things will start to calm down enough for you to appreciate what is going on and gain a bit of perspective. Just do your best, don't be too hard on yourself, be kind to one another.

    Try to find a sympathetic ear that is a little bit disconnected from your usual social circles as you may find yourself in the awkward position of feeling like you cannot complain about any struggle you are going through because you are always comparing your situation with that of others, perhaps your partners. It is hard for example to complain about a lack of sleep to your wife if she is going through the same or worse. You may also find that your troubles are shrugged off as nothing out of the ordinary. If you find others in a similar position, going through similar things, you'll find an outlet to get that stuff off of your chest.

    Best of luck, and enjoy it when you can! :)

    • BartholemewH on 13/09/2023 - 19:53
      +1

      You are mad having someone stay before after the birth (for months!). We just wanted to be left to ourselves for our first.

      • Catsfan070911 on 13/09/2023 - 20:03

        Hard to argue with a pregnant partner who hadn’t seen family since before COVID. But just quietly, I completely agree!

        • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 20:59
          +3

          Yeah my mum in law came for 3 months when first bub was 2w old (what wife wanted). Received alot of unwanted advice as we felt we had things under control but were being criticised (only minor things but felt amplified at time).

          • fusion17 on 15/09/2023 - 23:37

            @nosey: They think they are helping but you have to cater to one small baby and another big baby.

            Also i think the first 3 months were easy in comparison to the following 6-9
            At first its just either milk, nappy or rocking back to sleep. Now you add teething, mental changes, daycare plagues.

  • FoxJump on 12/09/2023 - 17:12
    +4

    Hi!
    parent of twins here.

    think you had it tough! :D

    The first 4months are HELL. HELL with allcaps and font size = 1000
    Lucky covid/bushfires were around and nobody came to visit. Going out to visit someone was a PITA.

    The first year (after those 4m) are difficult.
    It gets easier from then.

    Yes there are other difficulties like "Don't punch your brother" or "Where are the car keys"
    but NOTHING compares to waking up every hour at night to feed twins;

    Not to mention childcare … do not send your kid to a centre with 100 kids. Stick to 30ish. Expect 1 year or maybe 2 years of regular antibiotic use for both them and you.

  • Trying2SaveABuck on 12/09/2023 - 17:13
    +4

    i got almost 2 and an almost 4 year old - it does not get 'easier' but the challenges get different

    one of the biggest wins was when my eldest started using the toilet himself for both number 1 and 2s…..

  • Montyjpm on 12/09/2023 - 17:18
    +1

    I think the problem is that you're letting the baby sleeping pattern control you. You will need to reverse that so try and not let the baby sleep until close to your sleep time so you guys can sleep together. I am not talking about being abusive but see if you can keep the baby busy with play instead of falling to sleep. Obviously, the baby will wake up in the middle of the night (2-4am) for a feed and a nappy change so you or your wife will have to be ready for that.

  • AustriaBargain on 12/09/2023 - 17:29

    You can't afford to hire someone to help with the cleaning and stuff? Some chores wear you out more than others, you two might have more energy if someone did the mopping and laundry for you. If you don't already use a clothes dryer maybe buy a clothes dryer, it'll dry your clothes, close to iron them, and de-lint them all in one. Order groceries on Uber Eats and Amazon to save shopping trips. If you can afford it then enjoy some modern conveniences.

    • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 21:03

      Great tip about dryer. We had one already and it got constant use. We just washed, dried, dumped pile unfolded on a bed and just pull from pile.

      My sister was using white diapers, bleaching, hanging outside. Aint nobody got time for dat.

  • ausdday on 12/09/2023 - 17:43
    +5

    it won't get easier, but you will get used to it.

    When we had our girls, we split tasks. Wife just takes care of the baby, and I do the rest. So I will get my sleep, and continue to work, cook, cleaning, bath the baby, take care of the baby when my wife is sleeping, etc. Wife just eat, sleep, nappy change, breastfeed. So when baby sleeps, she sleeps. We found this to be more efficient than hour splitting. We both got our sleeps.

    • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 21:04

      We did same. Got much harder to do when baby 2 arrived though!

      • wau2 on 13/09/2023 - 23:24

        Baby 2 is exponentially harder. not double.

  • CY on 12/09/2023 - 17:48
    +9

    Had a quick read .. and most of the answers are above. So from a male's perspective its hard to answer as you get different "pains" when they are older (ie: When they only want to use the "red" cup (1-3ish) or back chat (4-x) or just wanting to their own thing and not stick to the agenda (ie: getting ready for school).

    As someone who suffers from sleep apnea on a good day … we found it easiest to co-sleep with kids. BUT only do this if you do not roll around the bed. There are those pillows that can separate you / child which creates a safety barrier.

    But from my experience a baby only cries for the following reasons
    - Hungry
    - Sleepy
    - Nappy
    - Burp

    We made sure our kids burped before they slept.

    Our first 6 weeks was the hardest but stick in there mate. Other pointers I can give:
    - Don't feel ashamed to ask for help (cleaning, cooking, whatever).
    - Post natal depression is a big thing (will be discussed in the mothers group .. and she will be able to connect to others in the same situation)
    - Try and give your wife as much help as she needs (remember sometimes they just need to vent and not asking for someone to fix a problem even if a problem is evident).
    - Make sure wife drinks lots and lots of water, as this helps with creating milk (if she is breast feeding that is).
    - Just try and sleep whenever you can.
    - There are heaps of help groups on FB / internet.
    - Don't worry about attending to inlaws / parents / or anyone at that matter … if your house looks like WWIII … then so be it (they should help you clean it without being judgmental)

    The last thing is … have fun while looking after your little one mate. Its not a race, don't win awards, don't need to impress anyone … just have fun and look after both yourselves.

    • frewer on 14/09/2023 - 19:44
      -5

      Co-sleep is the easiest way, also that has been done for 1000s yrs. My wife co-sleep with all 3 of our children, when they want to eat just give them the boobs. DO NOT co-sleep with dad, for some reason mothers has that instinct-connection which will not endangers the child.
      With the baby blue dont neglect go out & get sunlight. The sunlight has profound effect on our biology.

    • Optimist Prime on 14/09/2023 - 21:49

      Solid reply mate. All good advice here. :)

  • morse on 12/09/2023 - 18:02

    In most cases, sleep improves. My little one was sleeping through from 4 months. It’s not easy, but take shifts to sleep and get help from a child health nurse. Everyone finds different things helpful, for us a dummy and a sleeping bag were winners, both were weaned without complications. Enjoy your baby - it will get easier.

    • nosey on 13/09/2023 - 21:07
      +1

      Oh yeah, sleeping swaddle/bags were an instant hit with our babies too. Stops them startling themselves awake as they flail around

  • ihbh on 12/09/2023 - 18:22
    +1

    This might be a technique for more experienced mothers (that is, second child), but give it a go and see what happens.

    Wife feeds baby on demand at night. Place cot next to bed, take one side off. Baby sleeps on big bed next to mum and goes for the boob when they want. Baby can't fall off bed, mum won't squash it.

    • YTW on 15/09/2023 - 18:50

      This is how we survived. Look up Professor James McKenna for safe co-sleeping advice.

      Yes, those first few weeks are HARD. Especially the adjustment into 24/7 parenting. You will get used to it and things will start getting easier. Then you'll have a small step back and things will feel hard again, then another good patch etc. The first year is a bit of a rollercoaster, but the first 3 months in particular are a blur.

      As much as breastfeeding is hard to begin with, it will suddenly get so much easier (both baby and mum are both learning and it takes a while to get the hang of it) and you'll be glad you pushed through. If your wife is still finding it painful she may have minor issue that she needs help with, it could be as simple as positioning or latching technique or the sign of something else that needs fixed (thrush, tongue-tie etc). It could be worth her having a consultation with a lactation consultant just to get some tips and reassurance.

      Learning to breastfeed whilst lying down is a game-changer, if your wife is nervous about falling asleep with baby attached, then have her do it with you around to keep an eye on them the first couple of times.

      My hubby being supportive made all the difference in those hard early days. I especially appreciated him getting up with baby early and letting me have a couple of hours of solid sleep before he'd head off to work in the morning. Knowing that I could rely on getting those hours made it easier to get through the night wakenings. Start taking turns now, we used to both get up then realised that whilst supportive, it wasn't sensible for us both to be up at once. I'd do the first part of the night so that he got a solid block of sleep and then we'd swap.

  • Protractor on 12/09/2023 - 18:47
    +3

    Seek professional advice (you mentioned concern for wife's mental health)

    This thread is a wonderful birth control medium

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