Friend Dying of Cancer - Told 6mths to Live - Suggestions for Legacy Type Gestures They Could Do/Establish?

Daniel Plainview on 21/11/2022 - 17:34

Hi,

I'd respectfully ask that this is a serious post and so humourous, joking replies could be refrained from - thank you in advance

A very dear 40-ish yr old friend of ours had a pain, went to the Doctor and found out she's got stage 4 cancer, given 6mths to live. We're trying to assist her as best we can in a number of ways.

One of the things we've flagged to her is considering setting up some type of a legacy type gift etc that can 'live ono' after she's gone. I know when I was growing up my primary and high school would have a bunch of end of year awards for 'most improved year 3 girl from non-english speaking background' etc.

I'm unsure if the red tape in setting up these is not worth it - if setting up a small annual cash award?

There's always very simple gestures, like sponsoring a 'memorial' seat/bench in a botanical garden you love etc.

But I wondered if anyone had any ideas or suggestions - if you've gont info on them all the better.

If it assists - it's a female, she's from a migrant Chinese background. She's just a 'normal' wage earner - so alas no mega bucks to throw around on this. She's lived all her life in Sydney, residing in the Western suburbs of it presently.

My sincere thanks in advance for any ideas you might have. :-)

Financial

Comments

  • spackbace on 21/11/2022 - 17:43
    +7

    One of the things we've flagged to her

    Can I ask how receptive she was to this? Or would she rather the savings she has goes to her family?

    • Daniel Plainview on 21/11/2022 - 19:50

      She's open to it - as I said she's not wealthy - and her primary focus at present is a lot so it's neither ruled in or out.

  • SBOB on 21/11/2022 - 17:49
    +4

    I know when I was growing up my primary and high school would have a bunch of end of year awards for 'most improved year 3 girl from non-english speaking background' etc

    And did the name of the award mean anything?

    She's just a 'normal' wage earner - so alas no mega bucks to throw around on this

    Unless she's some well know person in the community, whose 'name' has some meaning, I don't know why you would? If there's no huge endowment donation or legacy rich person trying to make their name remembered etc.

    Work out how many $ you may want to leave family or friends, put that aside and ensure it's well detailed in will etc, and then spend the rest of the time doing whatever you want with as much enjoyment and joy as you can.

    • Lastchancetosee on 22/11/2022 - 13:15
      +1

      Money can be left to family and friends, of course, but you can also make a donation or leave a legacy for the community. You don't need to be famous, anyone can have an impact through giving. I have already put in my will that after the majority of my assets go to my children, the remainder will be distributed as donations to a couple of favorite charities and I am also considering a university gift for research or education.

  • tallkid123 on 21/11/2022 - 17:50
    +2

    Maybe start a memory box - recorded messages, photos, a usb with videos, etc for your friend's loved ones.

    There's always very simple gestures, like sponsoring a 'memorial' seat/bench in a botanical garden you love etc.

    That's not a simple gesture… And the irony is that a memorial seat/bench is a posthumous honour for someone famous, accomplished and/or rich within NSW/Australia.

    Anyway, try this. The link within this link doesn't work so call them up if interested and if your friend likes birds

  • foxmulder on 21/11/2022 - 18:03
    +7

    Bucket list. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

  • bobbified on 21/11/2022 - 18:06
    +16

    I've come across a few people who were in the same situation and they all said that they didn't want to be treated like 'someone who was dying'. They already knew what was happening, they accepted it and they didn't want people around them to treat them differently in their final stages. They wanted people to be themselves and not have to 'watch what they say' or make particular efforts to be nice to them, etc.

    I had the [un]fortunate experience of being in a similar situation for a few months and wasn't sure whether I was "coming" or "going" too. I was reluctant to share my situation with too many people at the time for the same reasons.

    Not saying that your friend is going to the same, but it might be something to take into consideration before planning anything too big.

    • freefall101 on 21/11/2022 - 18:33
      +16

      My cousin put it like being a zoo animal. People trudging in and out of his hospital room (or wherever he was at the time), having the same conversation 50 times about how he was doing, people he hadn't seen in ages suddenly needing to see him before he died. It became about them, not him.

      He was family, I loved him, but we generally saw each other three or four times a year at family events and spending a whole lot of time with him just because he was dying wouldn't have been "normal". So I stayed away, I donated money to causes in his name, I spent time talking to his dad and supporting him and took a bit of advice he gave me once and took off overseas not long after his funeral.

      IMO the best way to support someone? Cook meals and do cleaning for them and their family. Drive them around, make life run a bit smoother while they're going through absolute hell and help them enjoy life. Trying too hard though just becomes weird.

      • Clear on 21/11/2022 - 19:09
        +9

        My cousin put it like being a zoo animal. People trudging in and out of his hospital room (or wherever he was at the time), having the same conversation 50 times about how he was doing, people he hadn't seen in ages suddenly needing to see him before he died. It became about them, not him.

        100% this. I survived stage 4 cancer and had family I hadn't seen in 20 years suddenly caring when it was really about them.

      • HelpMeiCantSee on 22/11/2022 - 19:36
        +2

        IMO the best way to support someone? Cook meals and do cleaning for them and their family. Drive them around, make life run a bit smoother while they're going through absolute hell and help them enjoy life. Trying too hard though just becomes weird.

        Mate, you have no idea how much simple things like this are appreciated. Nothing fancy, just a quick helping hand is amazing. Especially on those chemo days where your veins are full of poison, even the smell Of cooking something can be enough to send you over, so pre made meals are a life saver. Same with coming over for a “coffee”, doing a quick clean and leaving so they can sleep!

        And yeah, trying too hard does make it weird, as does totally ignoring the whole thing. It’s a tough thing to navigate for sure

        • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 08:32

          I agree, alas we're about 700km away from her - so isn't something we can do - though my wife is taking time off work to go down and spend a week with her when she's having chemo and surgery to do this type of thing for them.

          I do agree that in this modern age where we're getting stuff emailed online etc - the human touch of someone giving up their time to come over and prepare food, do menial tasks etc - themselves - rather than paying a total stranger to do it - can impart intangibles that have a very high value. So thank you for this advice.

  • verisimilitude on 21/11/2022 - 18:30
    +3

    It would be nice to plant a tree with a commemorative plaque in a quiet serene garden / park. It's a beautiful gesture that helps green the planet. Once the tree grows big enough, it can provide shade and people can enjoy picnics etc in the shade…

    • Mechz on 21/11/2022 - 23:00

      Yeah this is the only thing I think is worthwhile.

  • Banana3 on 21/11/2022 - 18:50

    Sorry to hear about your friend, OP.
    If I were in the same situation as your friend, what would make me the happiest or most peaceful is knowing that the people I care about will be fine and taken care of. Not sure what that would look like for your friend's situation, but how about starting a gofundme or the like, that would then go towards the people she cares about?

    • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 08:34

      I get what you're saying but fundamentally I have issues with asking people for money on things like this - she doens't have any dependents as such - just a long term partner, they've very ordinary folks - so I just don't think it's needed. But appreciate the sentiment behind it.

  • Mokr on 21/11/2022 - 19:18
    +2

    There is a lot of admin you won't to prep with for example. Willls. Funeral. Early access to super. Power of Attorney etc.

  • brad1-8tsi on 21/11/2022 - 19:59
    +11

    My best mate was diagnosed at stage 4 cancer in 2018 (non-smoker, competition level cyclist. Thought he was just getting old.) Died within 6 weeks of of diagnosis.

    Don't count on the 6 months. Work fast.

    • Lastchancetosee on 22/11/2022 - 13:16
      +2

      That's sad. Sorry for your loss.

      • brad1-8tsi on 25/11/2022 - 10:09

        Thank you.

        you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

  • Benoffie on 21/11/2022 - 20:10
    +7

    You can set up bequests at universities that are small amaounts paid out on receipt of worthy applications as deemed by the grants and scholarships board. Your friend can set the criteria, such as:

    • low ses background
    • must reside in Western Sydney
    • through a Western Sydney university or her own alma mater if different
    • female only applications
      Etc etc

    Even the most modest amount, invested by universities, can pay for text books fo deserving students as needed.

    Thoughts to you and your friend 🙏

  • cookie2 on 21/11/2022 - 20:14

    I'm sorry to hear about your friends situation. What are some things that your friend is genuinely interested in and cares about? Eg. Child sponsorship for a particular child until their 180, with friends etc all contributing over the years and supporting the sponsor child? Just an idea. Are you looking at ways to spend your friends money for something to be established or other people will be contributing to someone that will be established in her memory?

    • SBOB on 21/11/2022 - 20:46
      +3

      Child sponsorship for a particular child until their they're 180

      Seems excessive

      • cookie2 on 21/11/2022 - 21:14
        +3

        🤣 I prob should've looked over that. Oh god, i should've looked over both. I'll blame it on end of the day and distracted by f1.

    • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 08:36

      I'm not that sure - she's primarily my wife's friend of 25yrs+, but suffice to say I'll let her decide on such matters. It's a fine line for me of being a 'know it all' who's a PITA and providing assistance - especially at such a time I have to be careful not to overstep boundaries.

  • ShannonN on 21/11/2022 - 23:03
    +4

    sorry to hear the diagnosis for your friend, I was diagnosed with bowel cancer in May, operated on in June and currently under Chemo to make sure its less likely to come back.

    While I'm not terminal my neighbour is and about to go into palliative care so I can relate to cancer and impending death. In your description you don't mention family such as children, husband etc.

    If family was around ask them how they would like a memorial etc? I don't know the Chinese culture regarding death funerals etc so cannot really make any suggestions. However, I'd think a time capsule, let her pick treasured items, pictures videos trinkets etc to place in a secured sealed container and buried somewhere accessible in 50 years, perhaps a concrete cairn on a street

    • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 10:22

      @ShannonN
      Thank you for your idea - I'll pass it on - my sincere thanks for taking the time to suggest it - I do hope your treatment is a complete success and that illness is completely behind you. :-)

  • HelpMeiCantSee on 22/11/2022 - 09:17
    +9

    Having lived this horror recently, the main thing that I really struggle with is lack of video/audio. We have lots of photos, but very very few videos.

    Simple things like recording her saying I love you are so so precious but if not actively done, get lost forever.

    The memorials, funds, scholarships etc can be done at any time. She is only here for a limited time, so you have to grab every second you can.

    My regrets are never specifically approaching the topic of death and exact wishes with my wife, and never getting a chance to record her for our kids- she just got too sick too quickly. I’m lucky I asked what she wanted when we were on the way to the hospital for the last time- we didn’t expect it to be the last time either.

    I’m really sorry, it’s a shitty and harsh hand to be dealt.

  • xylarr on 22/11/2022 - 17:07
    +2

    Even though she may not have that much in super, you should get some advice - even from the fund itsself - about how to go about arranging things such that tax is minimised. Put it this way, if a person who is not a dependent inherits the money from super, they could lose a bunch in tax.

    • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 08:38

      I've already given her some advice on this - apparently if you're diagnosed with a terminal illness (the basis is somethign along the lines of doctors stating you have under 2yrs to live) you can withdraw your super balance fully, tax free. Anyway she's onto that - as like most people sadly at this time she's worrying about financial stuff. So it's something she's looking into actively. :-)

      • OzPandaGirl on 23/11/2022 - 17:43
        +1

        The Super companies take their time approving these and all claims from my experience so please gently suggest (ask your wife to suggest) that they complete the paperwork asap. Her oncologist and GP each complete a form and the individual completes one. You can usually download them from the company website.

        It could even be helpful, if they haven't done this, for you to print out all the forms she will need for your wife to take to her or post to her in a folder.

        I spent most of the 5 weeks by my brother's side and found it hard to find time to print forms out.

        If she has mbc - metastatic breast cancer, I have loads of specific places to reach out to.

        Give her a journal and write questions in it eg favourite childhood memory, best friend and why, 5 things she loves about her partner, 5 things she thinks they would say about her, favourite season and why, favourite subjects at school, a favourite memory from school, best friend at school, favourite relative and why, favourite city/park/country … and so on.

        I keep thinking of things that I wished we knew/used.

        The cancer council or 1 of those offers some vouchers if the person if struggling financially. Check out all of the cancer charitys websites for services they offer, including counselling for the person and those closest to them.

  • OzPandaGirl on 22/11/2022 - 18:14
    +9

    @Nikko Like some others here, I sadly understand this situation. Last May, my big brother who had rarely been sick, was told that he had oesophageal cancer and months to live. In fact, he died 6 months later, so hold the prognosis lightly.

    I also want to mention something that a few others have raised. Please ensure that your friend has complete ownership in deciding to leave something such as a scholarship, bench etc. It may simply be how you have phrased things but to me it sounds like someone suggested to her that she could leave some sort of memorial and she then said it sounds good. That to me isn't her driving this end of life decision making process. Please make sure everything is about her wishes and not for the comfort of those who will be left behind. Her greatest legacy will be her life and the memories people will carry with them forever. She doesnt need to make a donation or set up something in her name.

    I hope you know I am saying this with kindness and respect. In 2021 I was with my big brother and then my mum as they took their last breaths. And yes, people can die of broken hearts. We lost my only other sibling to suicide on xmas day 2000. Mum stayed around long enough to celebrate her 60th wedding an anniversary with dad and died 4 days later. I have learnt more than I ever wanted to know about being with someone who is near their end of life.

    Why talk about all of this stuff related to death when, hopefully, she has a lot of living to do? Hopefully, once all of this is discussed and completed, her last weeks wont be filled with paperwork and important decisions having to be made when every moment left is precious.

    What I learnt from my brother's death -
    - make sure you have your will done and that it clearly reflects your wishes. Make sure someone close to you knows where it is kept.
    - do you want to be an organ donor? Ensure those closest to you and your treaters know your wishes. Have this written down somewhere.
    - if you have superannuation, complete the application to withdraw your money as soon as you receive a terminal diagnosis. Dave died before this process could be completed.
    - complete your enduring power of attorney and the other one and keep them with your will.
    - let your treaters and those closest to you know your wishes at end of life eg. If you code blue, do you want them to attempt to resuscitate you or not etc.
    - where do you want to die if able to choose - eg home, hospital or hospice? Unfortunately my brothers health declined really quickly so he wasnt able to be moved from the hospital to the hospice.
    - do you want to be cremated, do you want a big/private or no funeral? Do you want to be buried or have your ashes released somewhere specific?
    - What do you want to wear when buried/cremated?
    - Do you want people to wear black, to bring a red rose or wear your favourite colour to your funeral?
    - Cancer is a shitty disease and in the later stages, you can lose your taste and/or be unable to eat. Take her to her favourite places to eat while she can do this. Cook her favourite meals and leave them at the door. Give her and those caring for her a giftcard for ubereats and one to a supermarket so they can have one less worry. Or leave staples such as long life milk, bottled water and pantry items that she and they can eat.
    - I kind of became my brother's p.a. and all messages and phone calls went through me and I sent out all of the updates. When someone becomes terminal, as others have said, everyone suddenly wants to see them or talk to them on the phone. Let her choose who she wants to see, when and for how long. Im not sure if she is having palliative chemo, if so, this may increase her fatigue, nausea, tastebud changes amongst other things. Fruit tingles are actually really good for people having chemo as they still taste nice. Bamboo cutlery instead of metal also helps if chemo causes a metallic taste in her mouth. I asked people to visit for half an hour and then to leave. Please dont wait for the person to have to ask you to go away.
    - is she okay mentioning her cancer and prognosis or does she prefer that all but those closest to her stick to other subjects? My brother asked me to answer all the cancery questions on his behalf as I had had cancer, went to all of his appointments and he just didn't want to talk about it. I asked friends to not talk about certain things with him, in line with his wishes.
    - ask her where she wants to go and help her achieve this is realistic and doable. It doesn't need to be a huge trip overseas, it could be a picnic at a favourite park, dinner by the water or a concert by someone she likes. She may prefer to stay around her home so you can still make this special by having an indoor picnic or light candles at dinner. Use all the good dishes if she has some, dont save them for a 'special occasion'.
    - gifts such as soft socks, throw rug and a dressing gown are great. The softer and lighter the better. One of my favourite gifts when being treated for early breast cancer was a beautifully cosy dressing gown that I still use. Avoid strongly scented gifts.
    - a gift card to her hairdresser or a beauty salon would be lovely if these are things she might enjoy. Or a giftcard for her and someone else to go to the movies - forgotten the names, the luxe section some places have. Outdoor movies are starting up once again so she may enjoy having a picnic while watching a movie.
    - this will sound awful but play the 'cancer card' if it means she gets better service, or can jump the queue or a restaurant for example, ensures she has a table with a beautiful view. I still blame 'chemo brain' for everything I forget despite it being 3 years ago. 🤣🤣
    - get out the photo albums and ask her to tell you the stories behind the photos. Take lots of photos. Write down her life story or ask her for the story behind mementoes she has. This can be an enduring legacy of her and her life. Record her answering questions about her life or funny moments she remembers.

    Um yeah, I apologise as none of this answers your question but maybe, it will help her family and friends to make the rest of her life less stressful (the paperwork crap), something beautiful and completely about her and her wishes and passions. :)

    Thankyou for reaching out to the OzB gang for advice. You seem to be a very caring and kind friend.

    Melanie :)

    • HelpMeiCantSee on 22/11/2022 - 19:40
      +2

      Melanie, so many nuggets of gold there, particularly practical stuff!! Skin care, soft socks etc is critical, and gloves if having platinum based treatment as the neuropathy and cold sensitivity is awful!!!

      You seem like a good egg. Hugs

      • OzPandaGirl on 23/11/2022 - 09:38
        +1

        @HelpMeiCantSee

        Thankyou for your kind words. I cant believe I didnt mention chemo induced neuropathy, especially given that I unfortunately seem to have the long term type that didnt improve once chemo finished.

        There's so much stuff that you only find out about after you get diagnosed with cancer that you never would think of ordinarily.

        Thankyou again xx

    • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 08:47

      @melSurveys

      Firstly, my sincere thanks to you for taking the time to make this wonderful post and convey such information & advice. Haha you've not got messaging on so I'll have to say it here in the open.

      I have noted down advice from you and also several others - so my sincere thanks - you've included some stuff there which I would never have considered so much thanks for placing in things that might seem small but I am sure make a big difference in the long run.

      Seems unfair to write so little back but I can only thank you as sincerely as possible and assure you that what you've said has been noted, will be passed on and where possible acted upon.

      Thank you for being the type of person to take time to help a complete stranger - it's very rare and is an immense credit to you.

      Much thanks, Nick :-)

      • sharka on 23/11/2022 - 08:56
        +2

        Hi Nick
        I live in western sydney too. If there is anything my family and I can do to assist please let DM me

      • OzPandaGirl on 23/11/2022 - 10:06
        +1

        @Nikko

        I literally just searched on here to find the messaging thing. I never knew it existed so thankyou. A side note, my little brother who died 22 years ago was Nicholas and I called him Nico. I promise, Im not some sort of evil sister who goes around killing my brothers!!

        I have loved reading the kind and helpful replies that you have received.

        Your wife is a wonderful friend to be going to spend a week with her after chemo/surgery. Chemo and radiotherapy if needed, are cumulative, so it can make the person much more unwell as they have more rounds.

        My bestie would drive up from their farm to be with me during scans and chemo. I was able to talk with her about things I didnt want to share with my husband and family as they were worried enough about me. Your wife might be someone that your friend can talk openly with. I can't stress how much it meant to me and helped me to have someoneI could share my fears and frustrations with. I didn't want her to find solutions or say some dumb platitude, I simply wanted her to listen

        Something else your wife or someone close to your friend can do is pack her an overnight bag with toiletries, pjs, a list of current medications and doses, a small notebook/journal and pen
        and maybe a magazine. I had mine packed and it was such a help each time I needed to go to ED whenever I spiked a temperature. It meant one less thing to have to do if going to ED.

        This was supposed to be me saying a quick but sincere thankyou for what you said. Brevity isnt a strong point.

        With kindness

        Mel :)

        • Daniel Plainview on 23/11/2022 - 10:16

          @melSurveys

          Much thanks - I've copied everything you've written and will go over with my wife when she gets home from work. It's a fine line as I know her friend is going through it right now and so we don't want to be 'that guy' who has all this advice and is overbearing etc - fine line.

          But it's terrific info - sadly I fear that as you say, she's likely got much less time left than she's been told - I won't go into it here but the symptoms have already been very intrusive for her.

          I'm sorry for the loss of your brother - even though it was several decades ago I am sure it sometimes just hits you.

          Much thanks again for your time in giving such insightful and heart felt advice - it's very much appreciated and WILL be acted upon. :-) Nick

    • OzPandaGirl on 23/11/2022 - 09:29
      +1

      Oops, this is what happens when you get upset when making a post. David, my brother, was told he had months not years when we asked the oncologist about the future. Instead 5 weeks later he died. The last 3 weeks of his life he was in hospital.

      Mel

  • Hapyy on 26/11/2022 - 22:34
    -1

    I have a colleague whose mother in law was given few months to live. She also had cancer. My colleague knows a reflexologist who treated her and his mother in law fully recovered some years ago. There are also similar cases, he successfully managed. The reflexologist himself survived a terminal condition in his past. Another reflexologist helped recovered him and he decided to become the one. If you are interested i am glad to share the refloxologist's details. I just joined Oz Bargain after reading this emotional post. I thought it might help save some one's life. I do know how to send personal message, hence replying as a comment. I have no connection or I am not an affiliated to the refloxologist. I personnaly visited him for other reasons not for cancer, i am impressed.

  • DuckingAround on 29/11/2022 - 22:20

    I’ve always been interested in the idea of buying a piece of land/gifting land to a non-profit that can be rewilded for native animals.

  • Daniel Plainview on 20/12/2022 - 15:55
    +3

    Just a postscript.

    Alas the poor lady - had some pretty full on surgery to remove as much of the cancer as possible - as you'd expect this was extremely painful for her. She then followed the doctor's advice and started chemo therapy as soon as she was physically able.

    Alas after the first treatment she reacted very badly, suffering from violent seizures etc. The doctors looked into it and found that the cancer has moved much faster than they thought and is now at multiple points within her brain and other vital organs. They've told her she has just a 'few' months to live, so she has moved onto palliative care.

    FWIW I passed on all feedback I was given directly to her long term partner - she's marrying him over the next few weeks - I've placed another thread here as I'm trying to figure out a special 'experience' type gift to get them for their wedding. If anyone has any ideas I'd welcome them.
    https://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/746399#comment-13136448

    Thank you in advance and thank you again to everyone for their previous ideas in this thread, they were greatly appreciated. :-)

  • FoxJump on 20/12/2022 - 16:47

    Another thing we did with our family member that died was to record her speaking many phrases and sentences in the language that she spoke.

    The thought at the time was the the surgery could damage/break her voice box. But one day in the future maybe an AI with her voice could be created. So her grandkids could hear her speak.

    Of course, in addition to any home videos that we have.

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