Help Me Cheaply Renovate My Wife out of My House

LBargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 00:46
Last edited 10/07/2021 - 10:31 by 1 other user

Basically - My wife of 17 years has recently disclosed a secret which basically makes my marriage impossible due to me being the wrong gender, and I never have been.. I'm sure you get the gist of what went down, and it's basically a bad situation mentally.

I've agreed to buy her share of the house off her, at great expense in this current market.

What I want to do is go from the back fence to the front door and make the house 'mine', and equally somewhere welcoming for my kids.

I'm quite good at DIY, but I'm needing cost effective ideas of how to 'cleanse' the house.

So far I've thought I'd like to:
Create a garden
Recarpet and paint the bathrooms
Redo the bathrooms ("paint" the tiles, put in new vanity, toilet and mirror)
Tile a splashback in the kitchen
Replace the light switches with smart switches
Replace the front door
Create a garage workshop

I'm guess I'm after some 'hacks' people have done to make big differences on a budget. Time and effort isn't an issue, as I'll sadly only have my kids 50% soon, so I'll need projects :(

EDIT:

Thanks for the replies so far, it's a great idea about involving the kids! To give a complete picture.. we are amicable, and are working towards a financial settlement. So we're trying to provide the best we can for the kids - but I'm making this space about me and the kids. It's about moving on, in my space :) I need ideas for cheapy/simple reno's in that regard.

Home & Garden

Comments

  • SF3 on 10/07/2021 - 00:52
    +65

    disclosed a secret which basically makes my marriage impossible due to me being the wrong gender

    Ouch, my deepest sincere sympathies.

    I'll sadly only have my kids 50% soon

    Can’t imagine how they feel, if they are old enough.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 01:02
      +14

      Thanks mate, they're young and don't know yet. So I'm looking at ways to make the home more 'theirs' too.. It'll be hard on them.

      • Intoxicoligist on 12/07/2021 - 07:21
        +13

        Hey BigRedDog, it sounds like you're doing it pretty tough right now. Focusing on making your space feel new is a good start, but I feel like you might be using it to process some feelings that might be best talked out. I'd highly suggest talking to a professional counsellor or therapist about whats happened, and your feelings about it. It might sound silly, but I truly believe it will help you with moving on. Good luck, and all the best <3

  • ChunkyToast on 10/07/2021 - 01:34
    +48

    Damn bro, classic stitch up.

    • caitsith01 on 12/07/2021 - 14:19
      +12

      Not very empathetic. His wife has probably lived a lie all of this time due to extremely strong biases in society about gender and sexual orientation. Unless she's a total monster she'll be completely messed up by this too and will feel terrible about the situation.

      • Terra Australis on 12/07/2021 - 17:47
        -8

        his wife is a total b**** lmao are u serious?

      • slipperypete on 12/07/2021 - 18:27
        +13

        caitsith01
        Honest level headed comment……He stated they're amicable so has listened and taken it well. Really good of him to make it work with the kids.

        Life is complicated

        • caitsith01 on 12/07/2021 - 22:09
          +11

          Not on Ozbargain! Here if you don't have the general outlook and biases of a moderately conservative, angry, hetero middle aged man you are just wrong.

          • Croshema on 12/07/2021 - 23:30
            +2

            @caitsith01: Wakanda is offering condolences on the situation.

            But if you see the comment as another white man devil, ok.

            • caitsith01 on 13/07/2021 - 16:15
              +1

              @Croshema: stitch up
              phrasal verb of stitch

              informal•British
manipulate a situation so that someone is placed at a disadvantage or wrongly blamed for something.

              "Stitch up" involves an implication that someone has deliberately screwed someone else over…

              • Croshema on 14/07/2021 - 21:47
                +1

                @caitsith01: British?

                Nice try, heard of a thing call context?

                Heard of Australia?

                This Stitch up here covers them both, as in the union itself was a stitch up, the entire situation at large, at a cosmic level of you will.

                If you will you can see “stitch up” gets a special mention for Australia (the home of this forum) on urban dictionary.

                Stitch Up

                An Australian term for when someone just barely salvages an otherwise bad situation
                Jake "My card wouldn't process when i was paying for a $20 already made Subway meal and the bloke behind the counter was getting real pissed but then Derick paid for it"

                Jeff "What a bloody Stitch Up"

                Stitch up does not have to imply intent to hurt in modern Australian language.

          • Chchnu on 13/07/2021 - 05:52
            +3

            @caitsith01: Do u even ozb? We use rainbow flags and celebrate R U OK day here.

            • slipperypete on 13/07/2021 - 21:00
              +5

              @Chchnu: And half the members would sell their grandmother for a discounted box of eneloops

  • woodg on 10/07/2021 - 02:04
    +12

    Repainting can make a room feel totally different and is something you may be able to do yourself. Involve your children in selecting new colours for their bedrooms. What about new bedding (i.e. doona covers, sheets, etc). And replacing light fittings can make a drastic change. Recarpeting can be expensive, but maybe just do your bedroom. And toss your bedroom furniture and get something that is just for you.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:49
      +2

      Great idea for the kids. I was thinking of getting them involved with some stickers on the wall, or a galaxy on the roof.

      The main bedroom furniture is all going to my (ex) wife. As you can imagine, it's something I don't want to sleep in :) I'll do some shopping at A-Mart!

      • ATangk on 11/07/2021 - 21:40
        +2

        By the way, you dont need to repaint every wall. You can just repaint one wall and call it a 'feature' wall and it will transform the room, with some matching touches from a new carpet, some cushions and maybe the curtains. These will really transform a space without costing more than a few hundred per room.

      • Zephyrus on 13/07/2021 - 20:06

        If you want something you can feel proud of and with your new found time, try making some furniture. I made a bed that's better than anything I've seen in a shop for less than the cheapest bed in Ikea.

      • Mallard on 14/07/2021 - 20:45

        Painting the whole house the same colour can make it feel more stylish. I know it sounds boring but we found it a big improvement over different coloured rooms. We make and buy cheap art and frames from IKEA to add colour to the rooms.

        It's also worth noting that paint has massive discounts for larger quantities. 1 litre is $44 whereas 15 litres is $220. You could probably do a whole house with 15 litres but if you have to buy different colours for different rooms it could cost a lot more

        And you can make a massive difference for very little money by doing the whole house at once

  • M8y on 10/07/2021 - 02:10
    +38

    That's really tough, man - very sorry to hear that. As someone on the otherside of divorce (after 20 years together, with 16 years of marriage) - I can say it's survivable, and it sounds like you've already started with the right mindset. Keep going from there on upward.

    I'd prioritise renovating based on the spaces YOU spend the most time in. Break your renos up and start with where you spend most of your time, and will be spending most of your time; is it your lounge room, your kitchen, your bedroom? You get the gist - this way you focus your energy making your most important spaces your own.

    Assuming your bedroom isn't where you spend the most time, it's a good investment to wash all of your bedding linen, towels, etc. and take them up to St. Vinnies, etc. and go buy yourself all new stuff, that you like. Start clean, with things you like.

    Likewise ornaments, etc. around the house. Good luck, you'll be solid. And the DIY stuff will help keep you occupied. It's important to stay busy, particularly during that 50% of the time you won't have your children around.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:47
      +5

      Thank you, that's a really great idea especially about the bedding linen and towels. We agreed to split them, but to be honest - I feel a bit weird keeping them, so whatever she doesn't take - I'll wash and give to someone in need.

      I'll keep an eye out for specials on new linen etc.

      • nikey2k27 on 11/07/2021 - 18:24
        +2

        Marie kondo The house.

        • BargainDog on 11/07/2021 - 21:42
          +7

          Ha, bad vibes there! My (ex)-wife "Kondo'd" the house and I'm looking forwarded to folding my shirts the old fashioned way again (stuffing them into a drawer!) :-)

          • Intoxicoligist on 12/07/2021 - 07:23
            +2

            @BargainDog: Great! You have plenty of space to fill up with knick knacks that YOU want to display. Just dont go full man cave :p

            • derrida derider on 13/07/2021 - 14:20
              +1

              @Intoxicoligist: Actually, I'd suggest creating a man cave for yourself is the first order of business. That garage/workshop sounds great.

              And as the kids grow you can teach them the life skills all kids, male or female, should learn - how to repair and reuse things, make shelves etc, basic car maintenance, and so on.

              • Intoxicoligist on 13/07/2021 - 15:18
                +1

                @derrida derider: Oh I completely agree with the idea of having a man cave/workshop. I'm just saying dont go FULL mancave (IE every room in the house is man caved to the brim).

                Although you know what, screw that. If it makes you happy you go ahead and man cave the entire house. Why live life with regrets of what could have been.

          • nikey2k27 on 12/07/2021 - 19:55
            +1

            @BargainDog: As in object around the the house if dose not bring joy it gone

    • pasey25 on 10/07/2021 - 07:21
      +38

      Is it that confusing? Seems very straight forward to me

      • onetwothreefour on 10/07/2021 - 08:33
        +69

        Doesn't seem very straight to me…

        • SF3 on 10/07/2021 - 11:32
          +2

          One is straight indeed, the other not. To help @AussieDaddy out :)

          • secondstory on 14/07/2021 - 16:29

            @SF3: This made it clear. I originally thought the secret involved surgery and was confused by this line as well.

        • AussieDaddy on 10/07/2021 - 15:50
          -4

          Ba dum tss! :D

      • AussieDaddy on 10/07/2021 - 15:50
        -5

        Lol! Good one. 🤣

    • capslock janitor on 12/07/2021 - 14:31
      +1

      explain to me too?

      • andyken on 13/07/2021 - 09:48

        me too

        • capslock janitor on 13/07/2021 - 09:53

          englishpeople love beating around the bush linguistically:/

    • Hithere on 10/07/2021 - 07:43
      +8

      Storage is important to me

      Got to have somewhere to keep your hoarded facemasks eh pam?

    • timthetoolman on 10/07/2021 - 08:29
      +31

      Just to confirm Pam.
      You think that OP buying out their other half and calling it their own, is reason for their partner to decide to come out after 17 years?
      That was your take from this?

      • websterp on 10/07/2021 - 09:03
        +11

        Mate, it's Pam! What else would you expect from someone who usually has a completely different ( more like upside down) world view compared to the rest of us.

        • timthetoolman on 10/07/2021 - 09:31
          +1

          I know I know. I just wanted to try to find out what goes through someone's mind like Pam

    • bhm133 on 11/07/2021 - 18:36
      +3

      I think Pam may be the ex mentioned in this post.

      • randomusername2017 on 11/07/2021 - 20:07
        +5

        Think Pam may be the ex mentioned

        .
        Wow..only cost half a house to exorcise that… Bargain

    • Tech5 on 12/07/2021 - 11:02
      +1

      You really need to polish up your comprehension skills, my dear Pam. Or is it just something in the water where you live?

    • ChatCPT on 14/07/2021 - 00:27

      Pam should have been sw******d

      • screensaver on 14/07/2021 - 00:33
        -2

        another trash talker, useless

        • ChatCPT on 14/07/2021 - 02:42

          Stupid and in denial.
          Stop digging. Look at your neg votes and try to understand maybe something's wrong with you

  • RockyRaccoon on 10/07/2021 - 08:14
    +41

    Make sure you are buying her out as part of a legal separation agreement. You don’t want double dipping sometime in the future.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:51
      +25

      I do have some advice for anyone else in a comparable situation (separation) without hijacking my own thread. If you have EAP at work, that's a great place to contact financial/legal support to understand your options. We're amicable, so it's easier… but it's something I never thought of, and it saves money!

      • moggott on 11/07/2021 - 15:47
        +43

        Do not take the advice of RockyRaccoon lightly. You need to protect yourself and your kids immediately. Amicable can became full blown Karen at the drop of a hat.

        • MrFrugalSpend on 11/07/2021 - 22:07
          +15

          Yes, this.
          I know of someone who had an informal 'agreement' with their ex-wife to buy out half of the house. They had supposedly agreed on everything without lawyers. Her half of the equity was 'paid out' by her taking cash from bank/offset accounts etc.They went on two different paths and never finalised the divorce with anything formal. Over a couple of years he then renovated the house extensively (he's a tradie so put a lot of effort in when not working FIFO and all his money), added pool, re-roofed it, solar, all sorts of things, paid all the expenses including payments down the loan & interest, and had the kids there majority of the time and paid most of their expenses as the ex-wife had a worsening substance abuse problem (exacerbated by her new partner she supported which had one too). She had already stolen tens of thousands more than what was agreed from some joint investment fund somehow, and has now lawyered up and taken him on for divorce, claiming for at least half the increased house value post renovation and increased equity from paid down loan which happened with his wages alone after the split (with his separated time and money), and recent increased property market prices. She has supposedly just sobered up and now also wants joint custody she previously didn't even want, presumably because her lawyer told her it would increase her chances of getting half. Meanwhile she had blown all money she had been given back 2-3 years ago when it was verbally agreed (claimed for the purposes of the legal dispute that she spent a lot of it on kids expenses and is therefore not able to be returned - a lie - the only part which is half true is she took the kids on expensive holidays with her new partner (holidays that were mainly about her and the new partner), and given they generally didn't live with her claimed that was spending on the kids and therefore justified taking the extra money for paying costs!

          Sad when two people end up on totally different paths, lifestyles and values.

      • jatyap on 15/07/2021 - 15:55

        What's EAP, if I may ask? Bit off topic, but I just don't know what that stands for.

        • BargainDog on 15/07/2021 - 16:16
          +1

          No worries, I should have put the full thing in. It's Employee Assistance Program (EAP).

  • Gunnar on 10/07/2021 - 08:18
    +5

    I’m really sorry to hear about this as it’s no doubt tough on all of you (ex wife included). Hope all of you are doing as best you can right now and that the time ahead

  • tallkid123 on 10/07/2021 - 08:52
    +3

    My sympathies, mate.

    A close friend of my wife separated from her husband a few years ago after 20 or so years of marriage and 3 kids and he immediately switched sides afterwards.

    Last I heard, they now have different partners but haven't officially divorced yet as they're quite wealthy and can't be bothered getting around to splitting up their assets.

    Anyway, to answer your question, it's not DIY but I had a joiner customise my wardrobe last night. I'm a dude who likes to collect things and I don't have a lot of clothes so I figured the space could've been used better.

    Since you're buying the ex-wife's share soon, think about modifications like this as you'll soon be the sole owner of your domain.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:43

      That wardrobe looks amazing, that is something I'm looking todo with the small walk-in I have.. Thanks for sharing!

  • bazingaa on 10/07/2021 - 08:56
    +3

    Create a garage workshop

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:52
      +5

      That's definately on my list. Thankfully the garage has always kind of been 'mine'.. but I have some grand plans to make a workspace for 3D printing etc and another for general duties

      • [Deactivated] on 12/07/2021 - 11:07
        +5

        Do it first.
        A well organised workshop will help you efficiently renovate the rest of the house.

        Nothing worse than spending an hour or two trying to find that $10 grout saw you know you have and only need for 5 minutes to patch up a bit of grout before painting.

        5 minute job turns into 2 hour and 5 minute job.

  • spal on 10/07/2021 - 08:58
    +8

    It is hard. Have you considered moving to another property and renting out your home for few years. That would take you away from the triggers living in might be causing you and also give you flexibility to make a new start. You can live close to your kids, your work, where you grew up and had good friends. After few years you can come back and renovate or sell and buy something else. Unless part of the settlement requires you to live in the same house. Just a thought, but do what you want for you.

    • Blue Cat on 10/07/2021 - 10:08
      +14

      someone you welcome to visit, including with her new partner

      This is your brain on soy.

      Don't do soy, kids!

      • Autonomic on 12/07/2021 - 02:25
        +1

        I genuinely can't tell if this is ironic or not.

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 10:28
      +31

      I didn't say we weren't friends - we are, and we are working together for the kids. But I didn't feel the need to give my entire life story.

        • CocaKoala on 11/07/2021 - 23:41
          +31

          He's the one losing a partner AND some of his kids. He will put it however he deems it appropriate.

        • Tech5 on 12/07/2021 - 11:04
          +6

          It's a great way to put it. When your other half is the one to end the relationship, many people feel the need to cleanse their life of any reminders. That doesn't mean that she is being treated as a pariah.

          You know the movie cliche where the partner suddenly leaves/dies, and the one left keeps everything exactly the same and mopes around the house? Yea? That's because they didn't cleanse their surroundings and mind of them. As a further extension, it is a sign of them not accepting the truth. Sure, remember them, but you don't need to keep everything around.

        • smartazz104 on 12/07/2021 - 20:49
          +1

          Perhaps you'd prefer a scorched earth policy?

      • Chchnu on 13/07/2021 - 05:58

        Dont be a cuckoo bird and welcome her and her new partner to your house!

        How can you be friends with someone that did this to you? 17 years, kept secret, doing all this even when kids involved.

    • ChickenTalon on 12/07/2021 - 08:47
      -1

      ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      If Mrs Talon ever switched sides I'd definitely welcome her and partner back for a visit.

    • tolchok on 13/07/2021 - 12:10

      It appears that BigBirdy's advice was unpopular, but it was also right in my opinion.

      I note OP has already confirmed that they are on friendly terms, so this is to convince them it is good to stick to (/double down on) as well as for anyone else who splits up in what on first blush is an unfair situation and reads this.

      As hard as it is, remaining friends or at least a convincing imitiation of friends (even if you don't like your ex very much) will make your own life better.

      People go on about the benefits to the kids of the parents "getting over it" and that is important, but treating an ex like an enemy has lots of negatives for the dumped party as well. People tend to hold onto their anger and sorrow longer if they treat their ex as an enemy. People tend to spend much more on legal fees, leaving less in the pool for them and their children. The legal process itself and "the fight" (which is entirely avoidable) is also unpleasant. Having 50/50 care is also definitely not a given if it goes through the courts.

      My opinion is based on being divorced (with at the time a toddler and in equally cruddy circumstances) and making an effort to be 'friends' with my ex-wife (and her now second ex-husband), as well as my partner being a family lawyer and us knowing a number of family lawyers and barristers.

  • iampoor on 10/07/2021 - 09:42
    +3

    Sorry to hear this, especially tough since children are involved.

    Do consider getting legal advice and have everything done properly. Since it doesn’t seem like it will be contested, hopefully it won’t be too expensive.

    Given the state of the market why not sell and split? You could rent or downsize but the most important thing is that you won’t need to ‘cleanse’ the place, you’ll be starting a new chapter of your life in a new place.

    Best of luck.

  • morse on 10/07/2021 - 10:08
    +4

    Sorry for your break up. Not that it makes it easier, but I’ve heard of this happening to quite a few people, both male and female as well as having a friend who did this herself.

    Maybe get the kids involved, ask them what things they’d like in the house if they are old enough - obviously just enough that they feel included, kids make some pretty weird choices and change their mind a lot.

    Your list looks pretty good. I’d also consider including spaces for whatever hobbies you have or would like to have, eg gaming, music, veggie patch, outdoor gear storage etc.

    In terms of budget I’d say stick to one job at a time and finish it before buying stuff for the next job, unless you see a really good deal on something you know you’re going to need later. Probably prioritise your list in terms of most important, achievability and affordability in terms of where to start.

    I hope there’s a silver lining for you in all of this .

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:57
      +3

      Thank you for the kind words. It's a bizarre situation where I've heard of the same happening to others and it's so 'strange' that you're in shock that it's happen to 'you'

      Good idea about doing one job at a time, I did have an idea of doing several at once, but I think i'd end up in a big mess. Especially since I need to focus on my kids and other areas too. Thanks for the advice.

      • Bren20 on 11/07/2021 - 19:13
        +1

        Many jobs rely on it being daytime or a certain temperature - i.e. painting/garden

        You may find yourself with a lot of spare time at nights with no wife and kids, so maybe consider what can be done at night and what can be done during the day

        Don't do any finishing at night, you'll screw it up when viewed in the light of day.

        Learn how to use a caulking gun. Buy the $20 one from Bunnings rather than the $3 one.

  • MrThing on 10/07/2021 - 10:24

    Bikies

    • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:58
      +1

      I may need bikies to help me rip out the old bathroom at a later stage. I have no idea how to remove tiles from concrete :)

      • spal on 11/07/2021 - 09:07
        +2

        If you are talking about wall tiles in a bathroom, you might find these have been installed over plasterboard. Maybe punch a hole in one wall with something and use a recap saw to cut the plasterboard with tiles on it. Be careful with hidden plumbing and the supporting structures. You can always get parts of the job to be completed by someone else. You probably would anyway need new wet area plasterboard and professionally installed waterproofing.

        • BargainDog on 11/07/2021 - 09:36
          +1

          Cheers for the tip. Wall tiles are the easy part, I'm even comfortable putting up new wall sheets. I've done floor tiles before when its chipboard and replaced it with cement-fibre sheets, but this is concrete.

          When I was younger and stupider, I ripped out an entire bathroom and waterproofed myself (I think you could have put an aquarium in that bathroom). I'll probably get a quote for waterproofing and tiling if I offer to smash out the existing tiles and reclad the walls myself.

          • banana365 on 11/07/2021 - 23:40

            @BargainDog: Sounds like you've got experience in tiling though you mention painting tiles earlier. If you've not painted tiles before (or if you have and you've understandably blanked the experience from your memory) then don't bother. It takes a lot of effort to get a decent finish and it never looks that great. With the availability of cheap tile levelling clamps these days, it's easier to do a great looking job.

            I recently retiled the kitchen with big 600x300 tiles. Usually that's tricky (particularly on wavy walls) but with clamps I got from Bunnings it was a lot easier than earlier tiling jobs I've done. Don't get me wrong, it was a pain of a job, but no more so than painting tiles and I've ended up with a good looking result that will last for many years.

      • [Deactivated] on 12/07/2021 - 11:18
        +2

        Removing tiles from concrete:

        https://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/624658 or corded if you prefer https://www.bunnings.com.au/xu1-900w-rotary-hammer-drill-kit…

        Plus an angled chisel bit https://www.bunnings.com.au/bosch-260mm-tile-chisel-drill-bi…

        Eats tiles off walls

        • derrida derider on 13/07/2021 - 14:35
          +1

          If you use power tools to get tiles off a concrete slab it generally leaves potholes. That's easy fixed with a cement screed (levelling cement if its a non-draining surface) but has to be done if you want a good final result.

          Often you can use a manual floor scraper (https://www.bunnings.com.au/dta-150mm-heavy-duty-floor-scrap…) as well. A job I found very therapeutic.

  • DonZarrar on 10/07/2021 - 10:28
    +1

    Basically My wife of 17 years has recently disclosed a secret which basically makes my marriage impossible due to me being the wrong , and I never have been

    I don't get what went wrong. Anyone, please explain what went wrong. Feel sorry for op.

    • dust on 10/07/2021 - 10:37
      +10

      Ross situation?

      • BargainDog on 10/07/2021 - 11:06
        +11

        Exactly a Ross situation.. :)

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