Father Is Unwell. How Can I Be Prepared?

LOzbcdefg on 07/11/2020 - 19:24

Hi all,

Hope you all are doing the best you can in the wild year we've had so far.
My father has had a lot of illness over the years, and his recent diagnosis over the last few years have been cancer, stroke and now dementia. Since the beginning of this year he has begun to deteriorate quite rapidly, although still lives at home. I've not dealt with the passing of family here in the Australia, so I would really appreciate some things I need to be prepared for, as when the time comes I imagine my mindset wouldn't not be in the best state.

The first is potentially moving him into a nursing home. I've read online that nursing homes require massive upfront capital, which our family can't produce without being financially strained. My dad has virtually no assets except for an old car, and the house which is in a joint name with my mother.

Secondly, realistically speaking I don't see him living for much longer, so funeral is probably in the not too distant future. I've never had to attend a funeral so I'm not really sure what to expect, let alone organise one. I would really appreciate you sharing any experiences or advice.

My deepest thanks.

Health & Beauty

Comments

  • loropy9 on 07/11/2020 - 19:53
    +4

    Welcome to ozb. Sorry to hear about your father. Go to My Aged Care for your fathers care needs.

  • Willco88 on 07/11/2020 - 19:58
    +8

    I would suggest just let him go peacefully in his own home if he is at the end of life there's no real reason to add stress to the family finances, funeral can be 5K

  • [Deactivated] on 07/11/2020 - 20:12
    +4

    Best thing to do is get his estate in order. If he doesn't have any outstanding debts, tax, liabilities then all there is left is ensuring he has his will written. Doesn't matter if it is a paltry amount, just do it.

    Apart from that, funeral and cremations does not need to be expensive if no one is expecting extravagance.

    Organise a wake. Could be as simple as getting a caterer and posting a notice in the local obituaries.

  • Seraphin7 on 07/11/2020 - 20:21
    +4

    I've read online that nursing homes require massive upfront capital

    Many nursing homes do not require this. Many simply have a daily charge that will be more or less covered by the age pension (I'm assuming your father is (1) eligible, and (2) on the full rate). Assuming he is eligible, if his only assets are a car and the house as you've described that would be the case. You need to speak to arrange for an ACAT assessment to be done and then follow the process. The process is somewhat convoluted. Google "my aged care" and speak to them (it's a government agency).

    I've never had to attend a funeral so I'm not really sure what to expect, let alone organise one

    Organising is not actually as difficult (if you can set the emotions aside for a moment) as many make it out to be. You will need to arrange a place of burial/ashes interment (you can do this at any time and it may pay to get this part done sooner rather than later), but when the time actually comes, you basically speak to your funeral service provider of choice and off you go. Of course, the more elaborate arrangements you might want, the more time you should consider investing in it now, but the "formalities" of the arrangements are actually pretty straight forward.

    The thing to remember in this regard, is that the funeral people do this every day, often with respect to people who die suddenly (accidents, etc.) … giving them 20 minutes or 20 years notice doesn't actually make any real difference. By all means, go and speak with a few providers to fund who you feel comfortable with, but there's basically nothing for them to do until the time comes.

  • Quantumcat on 07/11/2020 - 21:04
    +12

    Gather information about insurance and bank accounts he has, and find out where his will is stored.

    An idea you might like to do sooner than later is to ask him about his life, and record what he says with your phone to keep for posterity. You might like to know about his childhood, young adulthood, how he met your mother, the story of your birth, and anything else that feels important to him.

    • ProlapsedHeinous on 07/11/2020 - 21:34
      +7

      Bang on the money Quantumcat. Get a video recorder, sit down, drink some beers or have some tea, and record a good chat with your father. there are resources online for the kind of questions you may want to ask. Don't delay, do it asap, have a laugh together, share your experiences. I would also ask your father what his final wishes are for when he passes with regard to cremation etc. I have told my family, to get the cheapest funeral they can, because I don't believe in wasting money on that nonsense. For me, once im gone im gone. I genuinely wish you all the best.

  • ihbh on 07/11/2020 - 21:31
    +2

    How Can I Be Prepared?

    Sounds like given his condition, by the time you even check out nursing home/aged care arrangements, a pathway might be:

    home (=> nursing home?) => hospital => palliative care => funeral

    If you don't think he is going to live for much longer, why not have him at home? Can your mum look after him, with support (family, family paid, Government paid). With dementia, having people he's known for a long time around him will reduce stress and anxiety.

    PS: Nursing home costs not as onerous as you think if you don't have much assets.

  • Randxyz123 on 07/11/2020 - 22:07
    +4

    Sorry to hear this mate.

    Quantumcat is bang on. Go and have a few beers or a coffee and a good chat. Ask him what he wants to happen at his funeral. Where his will is etc. I also agree with others that home nursing is the way to go. My aged care is the place for that.

    On the legal side of things, I would be looking into making you a power of attorney. See here https://www.service.nsw.gov.au/transaction/get-started-makin… for some examples.

  • OZB Al on 08/11/2020 - 11:14
    +4

    As he has dementia getting an Enduring Power of Attorney should be a top priority. Then ensure that his Superannuation is set up with the right binding or revisionary nomination. Make sure that you know the difference and tax implications with those options. Then check that his Will is correctly set up.

    Talk to your local palliative care support service and your GP about dying at home. If you're prepared and you can handle it, you may find it is your best option.

    Then focus on making the best memories you can in the time remaining.

  • Ozbcdefg on 08/11/2020 - 15:53
    +1

    Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the kindness you have shown a stranger on the internet.
    I'll be organising Power of Attornery and Will as the first order. I'll give TAG NSW a call they seem to deal with this.
    And I will have a nice recorded chat with him, just have to hold it together! haha
    Again, thank you all for your time and insight.

  • LyndonBBear on 08/11/2020 - 16:11
    +2

    Take care in arranging a new will or Power of Attorney - I believe that people diagnosed with dementia are deemed to not have the mental capacity to make decisions. Hopefully, there is a will in place already.

  • blueyez on 11/11/2020 - 11:58
    +2

    Sorry to hear. I'm in a similar situation with my father - already has dementia, suddenly has lost a lot of weight, needs surgery for a blocked artery and potentially has cancer all within the span of a few months (dementia has been around longer).

    Following for suggestions. We can't afford to put him into aged care and I highly doubt he would ever leave the house anyways due to being stubborn. Also keeps anything financial super private so doubt he will let me help him but let's see!!

    • Ozbcdefg on 26/11/2020 - 23:17

      That's a bummer, sorry to hear. Very much the same here, it's a lot harder when they're stubborn.
      You should look into Home Care Packages or NDIS if you haven't already. Hopefully they can provide you with some extra support.

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