Need Advice on How to Start My Life Again

gozyla86 on 10/02/2018 - 15:46
Last edited 12/02/2018 - 15:30 by 1 other user

Hi All,

I am in the process of divorce. It is a rough one. I lost everything and bring with me around 13k CC debt and 50k Car loan. I was kicked out of the house and was living in my car until last few weeks. I have an injury that prevents me to work, I am under WorkCover compensation.

What I owe:

  1. 3 Credit cards: CreditLine, Gem, and CBA with a total amount of 13k (which I use for my ex-family appliances,solar systems, and furniture. repayment for all 3: <400/month
  2. Car Loan: Esanda still has more than 5 years and 50k on it. Repayment 1k/month. But I am 4 months behind now.

What I earn:

  1. WorkCover Compensation: 1800/month

I am trying to start all over again now.
Should I try to sell my car and set back for at least another 10k in debt and no car to run?
What should I do at this point as I am thinking of giving up everything?
Money from the divorces is uncertain as nobody knows the outcome of the court until all is finish in the next few months.

Edit:
Thank for all comments, good or bad.
I am not blaming my ex for anything as we have different life now and would prefer my daughter - Izzy able to see her dad and mom are in good term.
I bought the Jeep Wrangler Unlimited 2016. And I was thinking it is not only a cool looking car, but big enough to become a family car. It have 43k on the clock now after 1.5 years. It was working hard for my ex-family. Let hope it will do me one last favour to score a good value when I put it on-sale.
The court will going on for a few more months after this Hearing on Feb 27th, 2018 before finalize. So I am not rely too much on that kind of money, tbh.

Financial

Comments

  • WreckTangle on 10/02/2018 - 20:57
    +7

    Can you try to patch things up with your wife - marriage counselling perhaps. You also have a kid to think about.

    • follow on 10/02/2018 - 21:02
      +4

      Just move back in op

      • itajac on 12/02/2018 - 11:55

        Giving you wife authority?. So a woman is a man's property once she becomes a wife? . No offence but I think you're living in the wrong century.A relationship will last if it's founded on trust,love, empathy, support, respect and dare I say it compromise. Not "power trips" or condecending attitude from both parties.

        • gezza90 on 12/02/2018 - 13:01
          -1

          Didn't say a woman is a man's property. This issue comes down to what is love and many people say it is trust, empathy, support just like you mentioned but understand and live it in the wrong sense. The problem is basing the relationship/marriage on emotions and feelings which are variables that could easily change overtime. E.g. husband buys wife a $500 gift for her birthday but following year he buys her $30 flowers and she gets upset because last year she got a better gift. Love is about worshiping, trusting, devoting, sacrificing to a THIRD ENTITY and not to each other. Relationships shouldn't be about me or my partner because that creates boundaries, greed, selfishness etc…

          There is no such thing as gender equality period. If a couple goes out to dinner, why is the guy expected to pay? If the guy spends $8k on an engagement ring (because he knows she wants something fancy), why doesn't the guy get an $8k watch? Most my friends, the guy had to pay for the house deposit, contribute more to the wedding, mortgage, purchase the cars and the wife gets the better car.

          Would you be surprised if I tell you I have access to my brother's, sister's and parents' bank accounts? you most probably would but that's real trust right there. With technology advancing and decline in religion, culture and family values, people are becoming more artificial and less empathetic. Downvote my comment all you like. I'm entitled to my own opinion and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this way.

        • itajac on 12/02/2018 - 14:36

          @gezza90:
          I haven't and won't downvote you because I'm very aware that no two people can have the exact same point of view, full stop.
          You're alluding to feelings and gender equality having a negative impact on a relationship long term and thus being the basis for a failing marriage but you're example was purely based on a monetary or materialistic pov. We had a backyard wedding, no honeymoon, we both worked together on a 3rd job to save for the house deposit and I have the crappiest car that i use to drive our kids around, cause I just don't care what people think.

          Expectations are set by the people in the relationship, I would never expect a man or woman to pay for me ever.
          My husband and I have been married for close to 20 yrs ( we married in our early 20's) and rather than kept each other in our respective gender roles we have helped and encouraged each other to grow and share in our relationship and life.

          I did not want, expect or get an engagement ring. I think it all ultimately comes down to the goals and values you share with the other person, if these don't align to begin with then that's where it goes down hill but constant work and re-alignment, should be part of any relationship over time, vary much like the relationship we share with our parents.

          I'm not one bit surprised about the amount of trust your family has in you. I have a similar arrangement with Mum but I don't necessarily think it's a positive thing.

          Anyway nice to be able to bounce off ideas and experiences in a civil manner on the OZB forum :)

        • secondstory on 13/02/2018 - 00:06
          +3

          I just wanted to say a friend of mine is living this exact scenario - which I find quite mortifying. The husband wont give her money because she "doesn't work" and repeatedly tells her she's a failure of a wife/mother because her only "job" is looking after two kids <6yo kids so it's easy and she shouldn't get tired. I was talking to their elder child who was extremely adamant that the "daddys are always the boss no matter what because mummys are small and weak so we have to do everything they tell us to do". I am quite certain the father taught this and worry the child might grow up believing this is the norm. I feel it's bad of me to think like this, but I would still support a split if it happened.

          It's all too common that relationships are instead founded on fear, insecurity, responsibility and cultural/religious/social expectations instead. I have faith in the next generation to be another step closer to completely removing these boundaries regardless of gender.

        • itajac on 13/02/2018 - 11:49
          +2

          @secondstory: Having being brought up in an abusive marriage. I have faith in the next generations too, that things will get better. I'm trying my best to show my children to be respectful to themselves, to each other and to others. We don't need to bring others down to lift us up.

          Respect and support need to be a priority, rather than gender categorizing and holding each other down.
          Work to build each other up and watch everyone be happier and more fulfilled in the relationship.

          It will take work, commitment and some times even outside help to navigate throught it but most of all it takes commitment to want to be there and make it work, in the first place.

          Abuse of any form has no place in any relationship, if this is the case no matter who the abuser is ( man/woman) outside help/ counselling needs to be part of it.I feel of one party is not interested, then it's best to walk away, it's not worth losing your life over it ( physically and/or mentally)

      • SabreTooth23 on 12/02/2018 - 17:00
        +2

        “The problem we face nowadays is women working and being more independent thus no longer needing a man in her life apart from satisfying her temporary emotional/physical needs if you like.”

        Wow….so women should not be working and make them dependent to men so they have limited options in life???

  • bobbified on 10/02/2018 - 22:10
    +14

    Pretty shitty situation.

    I've never been through a divorce so I won't pretend to know anything to be able to provide advice. I've watched many friends (guys and girls) go through this, and despite all that shit about equality, it always seems to be the guy that gets screwed.

    Like everyone else has already said, the obvious thing to do right now would be to downgrade your vehicle. Really need to get to the point where your income at least equals or exceeds your outgoings, including food and accommodation. Since your income is fixed at $1800/month at the moment, then the only option is to decrease your outgoings.

    Have you tried to contact the financial institutions? Despite their bad reputations, they do have processes for people who suffer financial hardship and can suspend your monthly payments for a few months. Anything they can do at the moment will probably help.

    If you have medical expenses that need to be paid, apply to access your super on compassionate grounds. Funds for medical treatment is one of the specified conditions of release.

    Keep your head up - you'll get through this albeit with some battle scars.

    • try2bhelpful on 11/02/2018 - 10:43
      -7

      Perpetuating the myth that men are worse off after divorce than women.

      https://aifs.gov.au/media-releases/financial-impact-divorce

      "Joint research led by the Australian Institute of Family Studies has found that equivalised household income after divorce declined for women but not for men. "

      However, I agree with your other comments. The OP needs to make sure that he sees a financial councellor and gets the people he owes money to across his position and organise a payment plan that stops them repossesing his assets.

      • bobbified on 11/02/2018 - 11:03
        +3

        "Joint research led by the Australian Institute of Family Studies has found that equivalised household income after divorce declined for women but not for men."

        That's an obvious one though. It's quite common for the guy to be earning the money and using that money to support his family during marriage, especially where there are young kids involved and the mother is at home or only working part time. After a split, the mother goes out to work and it can't be expected that she'll earn the same income as the father who's been continuously working throughout. The research paper also doesn't specify whether child support the mother receives after the divorce is included as part of their definition of "income". I've seen guys at work who pay two-thirds of their income as child support!

        While the reverse of the gender roles above is getting more and more common, it's undeniable that the above is true for the majority of households. It'll never be the complete opposite because nature dictates that guys don't get pregnant and have to take time off work to give birth.

        What I wrote above was actually relating to what happens before and during the divorce/settlement rather than after. For example, how often do you hear about a mother getting booted out of the house? A claim of domestic violence later and he'll be in jail and she'll be right back in there.

        The court battles over money and custody can get real ugly. It really pains me to watch how bad things can get between two people who once loved each other enough to want to spend to rest of their lives together.

        • try2bhelpful on 11/02/2018 - 16:47
          +3

          There are many examples where women don't get the maintenance support they are entitled to and, especially where there has been domestic violence, the women don't even try to get the money because they are concerned about the men being violent against them. Generally it is the women who have responsiblity, and added expense, of being the main parent support for the child.

          I find this "claim of domestic violence " as a gambit claim incredibly cynical given the number of women who are actually abused, or even killed, by their domestic partner compared to reverse statistics (ignoring the BS stats the mens groups try to foist on people - a scratch does not equal a beating). You know, all these women who are faking their deaths to get control over the house, it is just appalling isn't it? If it wasn't so tragic it would just be a complete joke how men make themselves out to be the victims in society, given the level of violence perpetrated by men, compared to that perpectrated by women.

          My personal view is that women need to protect themselves as much as possible. Never allow a man to rule your life, ensure you keep separate bank accounts, certainly make sure that your partner never isolates you from your family or friends. It is a sad state of affairs but you need to make sure you have an exit strategy in place in case it all turns nasty. At the first sign of violence, just leave, do not believe the guy is going to get better as it will just escalate. The usual comment on women who are victims of Domestic Violence is they should've chosen better; society needs to give them the support to walk away and secure their future. Men are meant to be sentient beings, surely they can choose a pathway where they aren't violent.

          Certainly most men are not violent, but all men need to stand up to the ones that are so they don't taint the view that society has of men. The problem I have with things like White Ribbon is the emphasis is on protecting women and children, it should be on stopping violent men from doing violent acts, because the greatest victim of men's violence is actually other men. Turn the message around and leave women and children out of it.

        • borrisz0r on 11/02/2018 - 18:00
          +7

          @try2bhelpful: sidebar from the general thread topic: you make some valid points but wouldn't it be better to focus on removing domestic violence against everyone? Lots of focus these days on prevention for particular groups when tackling the problem as a whole is usually a better option. Just me 2 cents..

        • try2bhelpful on 11/02/2018 - 18:12
          +2

          @borrisz0r: Actually, I would like to see violence removed for everybody, not just Domestic Violence. (I hate that term, it should be just refered to as violence. If should be treated in the same way as violence between any people). The emphasis has to be on ensuring the people who commit the violence take responsiblity for their actions and stop; not trying to juggle the people around them to minimise the impact of their violence. This requires education and intervention at the school level, long before it becomes a problem in the community. As I indicated the biggest victims of male violence is other males, you think it would be in the interest of the average male to fix this.

          Yes women do commit violent acts but it is a very small minority and their violence tends to be on the lower end of the scale and, often, in reaction to violence against them.

          Teach all kids that violence is the act of a coward, not something to be emulated.

        • beyondtool on 11/02/2018 - 22:03
          +10

          @try2bhelpful:
          Women are just as capable of the abuse that you describe. Especially emotional abuse which in my experience is far more damaging that violence.The only difference is that men in that situation have no support whatsoever and still have to pay child support to their abuser.

        • AddNinja on 11/02/2018 - 22:28
          +1

          @try2bhelpful: I might be naive, but if one partner (the man say) earns much more than the other, wouldn’t it be in the poorer partner’s interest to have shared bank accounts?

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 00:08
          -1

          @AddNinja: I would much rather emotional abuse than broken bones and being killed. However, women can be subject to both of those as well. Not only are they subject to the physical abuse they are told it is their fault for causing the guy to lash out. There are a lot of people who are ready to agree with the abuser that she must have done something to trigger it because the alternative is that guys need to be responsible for their own actions and emotions. As I have indicated, this all needs to start with educating boys and girls on responsibility and how to deal with emotions and issues. However, there are too many "status quo" people who whine about men being emasculated and the damage continues. The joke being it would be in the mens interest to get onboard with this so they don't end up emotionally damaged and can build their own resilience, instead they are left to repeat the errors they learn at the hands of already damaged individuals.

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 00:15
          +1

          @AddNinja: Nope, absolutely not. I have a great relationship with my man and we had some shared bank accounts when we were paying for our house but I have always had my own bank accounts and so has he. If something went wrong in my relationship tomorrow I would have enough in the bank to ensure I could keep a roof over my head for a number of years. I would recommend everybody have a buffer to cover 6 months; including money for rent and bond. When a partner is dependent on the other that is when they are most vulnerable to abuse. Never allow yourself to be in the control of another person, especially if you have any doubts about them at all. At the first sign of abuse make sure you can get out. If a couple can't respect each other I have no idea why they stay together, certainly not for the children as they are left in a battle field situation.

        • bluesky on 12/02/2018 - 01:19
          +2

          @beyondtool:

          Women are just as capable of the abuse that you describe

          Of course, women, men, kids even are capable of inflicting abuse. No surprises here, they all share the same human traits. Those who abuse use whatever forms they find easy to inflict, depending on the victim (whether man/woman/child/elder). Physical abuse might be preferred when the victim is physically weaker. So yes, a woman abuser is likely to use emotional abuse against a physically stronger partner.

          Especially emotional abuse which in my experience is far more damaging that violence

          Both are damaging, every case sits somewhere in a wide spectrum, so no point comparing. E.g. You can have physical violence/abuse that results in someone’s death. Equally, you can have emotional abuse (bullying etc) that results in someone’s suicide.

          The only difference is that men in that situation have no support whatsoever

          If there are no support organisations for men caught in such a situation, then it is the society’s failing - since both men and women deserve protection. The accounts of having to live in car etc, is not right. It is a social issue that needs addressing.

          As for the assertion that judgements tend to favour the women, as far as I know, we do not have a female-heavy judiciary system in this area. So it is hard to conceive that there would be rampant bias against men in such situations. Perhaps there are good reasons for the way judgements currently fall. No denying, with any imperfect system, mistakes are inevitable (just think of wrongful convictions in the criminal system). But I would think that by-and-large the system are making fair judgements.

          and still have to pay child support to their abuser.

          Child support is to support the child, and should not be conflated with the abuse issue.

          If the woman is the bread-earner, and the man is the one looking after the children, then the woman should pay child support in the same fashion. Just that as it stands, most women are the care-givers. But things could change in the future.

          From my viewpoint, all forms of abuse or bullying - whether against man/woman/child/elder/pet – are reprehensible - and need to be stamped out, and we should try to support the victims – whatever their sex/creed/colour/race etc.

        • callum9999 on 12/02/2018 - 06:14
          +1

          The lack of income potential is a direct result of being in the relationship though - which is why it's taken into account in the settlement. My mother was not allowed to work during her marriage. If she continued her career she'd be pretty high up on a high salary but ended up working in a cafe after the divorce. Obviously the majority of people don't do that to their partner (well, I'd hope!) but there could be various degrees of coercion.

        • AddNinja on 12/02/2018 - 08:29

          @try2bhelpful: Ok - I think I see. You’re assuming the woman has her own source of income. But a shared bank account is surely better than an empty one. That way the poorer partner still has access to money without asking for it.

          I think the best situation is like you say: each partner has their own accounts, and a shared one. The shared one is really important I think, for those times when one partner is not earning.

        • AddNinja on 12/02/2018 - 08:30

          @try2bhelpful: I think you are replying to the wrong person for one of your comments

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 09:41
          +1

          @AddNinja:
          Individual bank accounts give each party a sense of their own freedom and a fund to keep them going if things hit the wall. If your partner is telling you that yours isn't necessary then alarm bells should be going off. Find an account that doesn't attract fees.

          I think a woman who gives up her career to "look after the home" is setting herself up for failure; she should always be in a position of earning her own money because she never knows when she will have to support herself. Look at Barnaby Joyce, his wife gave up her career to look after the home and now he has got his assistant pregnant and she is on the outer.

          Rant begins/ Barnaby Joyce makes me sick, it appears the more sanctimonious they are the more likely they are to decide their own rules don't apply to them. I really wouldn't give a toss what he does if he hadn't taken the stand he did on same sex marriage. Traditional marriage my aunt fanny/Rant ends.

          Our philosophy is you borrow for the big things, like a house and a car to get you from a to b (if needed). If you can't pay your credit card off at the end of the month then you don't need what you are intending to buy on it. Never go into hock for a holiday; all cost and no assets.

        • Drifter on 12/02/2018 - 10:46
          +6

          @try2bhelpful:

          Interesting how quick you are to dismiss male victims of domestic violence. This is a problem in our society. Male victims exist but they aren't taken seriously. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 35% of those who experience violence from an intimate partner are men. What’s worse for these male victims is that there are very few support services for them.

          You can talk about female victims without diminishing the legitimacy of male victims. One does not invalidate the other.

        • Drifter on 12/02/2018 - 11:05
          +5

          @try2bhelpful:

          women do commit violent acts but it is a very small minority and their violence tends to be on the lower end of the scale and, often, in reaction to violence against them.

          The stats disagree. In the context of domestic violence, women aren't the angels you'd like us to think they are. According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, women are the killers in 52% of filicides and 23% of intimate partner homicides. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 35% of those who experience violence from an intimate partner are men.
           
          These stats are not "a very small minority" nor are the crimes "on the lower end of the scale" nor are the women offending "in reaction to violence against them" (unless you'd like to argue that the women were defending themselves against the babies/young children they killed in those 52% of filicides).

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 11:06
          -6

          @Drifter: The male victims are much less likely to have been subjected to serious physical abuse by women and women are far more likely to be trapped in a relationship because they are the primary care givers and the lower earners. I have yet to see reports on women killing their intimate partners at a high rate, whereas, men are killing women at the rate of more than one a week. (In fact studies show that where a women does kill a man it is often in reaction to a history of abuse). We both know I would be able to show a much higher rate of serious physical abuse perpetrated by men against women than the other way around. Yes, the abuse does go both ways but I get so sick of guys pulling out the victim card when the facts are, clearly, the majority of violence problems are due to men across all of society. Sorry, a scratch on the face does not equal a punch.

          If you want support systems for male victims then get them started. Talk to guys like the Men's Shed or Beyond Blue and see if they can will add these to the agenda. All I know is the Government keeps defunding the support services that women have and, at least initially, it is women who have to flee the abusive home rather than the priority in keeping the women in the home and getting the abusive men out. Court orders are BS, which has been shown again and again.

          I don't condone abuse in any relationship, and I'm lucky because I've never experienced it myself, but when the money is tight you put the bucks where they are most needed.

          This is why I have said, repeatedly, through this discussion - the issue has to be addressed at the school level, students need to be taught respect for each other, what consent means and how to deal with setbacks/issues, without resorting to abusing others. When homelife is abusive that is the pattern that is set.

        • Drifter on 12/02/2018 - 13:10
          +1

          @try2bhelpful:

          I get so sick of guys pulling out the victim card when the facts are, clearly, the majority of violence problems are due to men across all of society.

          So because men are the majority of violent offenders, we can't acknowledge that men are also victims? I don't get your logic on this.

          The majority of filicides are perpetrated by women. Does that mean we shouldn't acknowledge female victims of filicide?

          Sorry, a scratch on the face does not equal a punch.

          You keep saying this. You keep dismissing male victims with this claim. Where's your evidence to show that men only get "a scratch on the face"?

          All I know is the Government keeps defunding the support services that women have

          Take the advice you gave me regarding men's support services - lobby the government to do more. Dismissing male victims doesn't get you more support services for women.

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 13:30

          @Drifter: So acknowledge that the majority of perpetrators are male and put effort into ensuring they don't offend.

          I'm not saying men are not victims, in fact the largest group that are victims of male violence are other men. I'm not sure why you aren't more concerned about male violence than you are?

          However, on average, the damage that male violence does to the victims body is much higher than female violence. Are you disputing that? I've seen plenty of photos showing the affect of male violence on women, dont see so many the other way around.

          You picked the one category where women were more likely to kill and the statistics I have are 52% female. In all other categories the perpetrator is overwhelmingly male. I would also like to see how many of the women who killed their children were suffering from post partum depression or psychosis. There can be very severe physical effects on the female body associated with the pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc and they are also much more likely to be the primary care giver. Given women bear the brunt of child rearing, much more than men, I'm surprised the statistics are that low.

          I am not the one "dismissing" male victims, in fact I'm saying that, as the biggest victims of violence of other men, more needs to be done to curb male violence. It is in the interests of other men. You seem to be the one that is "dismissing" male victims from being protected from the biggest perpetrators.

        • [Deactivated] on 12/02/2018 - 14:53
          +3

          @try2bhelpful:

          Really have no idea what you are trying to achieve here, but your arguments just read as though you are only concerned about males as perpetrators, and consider them a statistical anomaly as victims.

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 15:04

          @Cubist: The point I am making is that the males are, by far, the main perpetrators of violence and the effects of their violence is proportionally higher. I certainly do not think that males are statistical anomalies as victims as males are more likely to be the victims of male violence than females are. Wy do you not seem to want to deal with the bigger problem, rather than the smaller one? Yes, you do have a broken toe but you might be more interested in the fact you've lost an arm.

        • [Deactivated] on 12/02/2018 - 15:46
          +2

          Wy do you not seem to want to deal with the bigger problem, rather than the smaller one?

          I don't know how you got that from the one line I put in this conversation.

          At what point do you get so disattached from the reality of a topic that you consider one victim of domestic abuse as a broken toe, compared to another as losing an arm? Maybe we should be telling people this in counselling sessions to help them recover because once they realise their suffering is statistically irrelevant, they will start feeling better immediately.

          As I said, have no idea what you are trying to acheive, but it's clearly not help for everyone.

        • Drifter on 12/02/2018 - 16:43
          +1

          @try2bhelpful:

          You picked the one category where women were more likely to kill

          Nope. I chose filicide because it's one of the two main categories of domestic violence. After all, we are discussing domestic violence. Your other points have gone off-topic into violence in general. My points relate specifically to domestic violence.

        • try2bhelpful on 12/02/2018 - 18:58
          +1

          @Drifter: Even if you keep the point to domestic violence; in its various incarnations there is only one area where women are marginally bigger perpetrators and, as I said, there are probably extenuating circumstances in a many of these cases due to post partum depression or psychosis and women being more likely to be the primary care giver; this would more than balance out the additional 2% here. The primary incarnation is between partners and this is definitely heavily balanced where the male is the perpetator and the women is the victim.

          You might want to have a look at the coroners report into Domestic Violence in NSW.

          http://www.coroners.justice.nsw.gov.au/Documents/DVDRT_2015_…

          "Of the 36 men killed in this category, 31 were killed
          by a current or former female intimate partner and 5
          were killed by a current or former male intimate
          partner (Fig. 5).
          Almost all of the 31 men who were killed by their
          female intimate partner in a domestic violence
          context had been the domestic violence abuser in
          the relationship (N=28, 90%). There were no cases
          where a woman was a domestic violence abuser
          who killed a male domestic violence victim.19"

          also
          "Of the 58 children killed by a parent, most were
          killed by a biological parent acting alone (N=41,
          71%) (Fig. 17).
          Of the 41 children killed by a biological parent, most
          were killed by their father (N=25, 61%). Sixteen
          children (39%) were killed by their biological mother
          (Fig. 17)." so even filicide for females depends on the region.

          Looking through various studies they also posit that mental health issues are associated with a large number of the filicide cases with women.

        • lainey13 on 12/02/2018 - 19:29
          -1

          @Drifter: And you'd be surprised at the percentage of that 35% where the partner is actually another male…

        • Drifter on 12/02/2018 - 19:47
          -1

          @lainey13:

          Likewise, you'd be surprised at the percentage of that 65% of female victims where the partner is actually another female.

        • [Deactivated] on 12/02/2018 - 19:56
          +3

          @try2bhelpful:

          So you don't think there are mental health issues at play when men are involved in domestic violence as the perpetrators? It's just perfectly mentally healthy dudes who go are fine with abusing their partner? I can't think of any other reason you would qualify female physical violence every time it's pointed out, but not do the same and come to the defence of male perpetrators.

          Edit: I'm not defending male perpetrators by the way, I am just a little bit insensed that you are alluding that dudes just punch and kick women because that's what we do, where as women need motivating factors.

        • try2bhelpful on 13/02/2018 - 00:09
          -3

          @Cubist: I was not qualifying all female violence, you were the one highlighting fillicide and this is often associated with the physical changes of having children and being primary care giver. That is what the studies say, not me. As indicated in the coroners report, women who kill men are often motivated after they have been the victims of abuse. The point I was trying to make earlier is that Domestic violence is only part of the spectrum of violence, where males are the greater perpetrators. That is a fact and you can get as incensed as you like but it doesn’t stop it being true. This is why I want intervention to be done at the school level so the nexus of using violence can be broken. This would cover all students so that should work on the relatively small number of female abusers as well. I’m sure most guys would be much happier if they didn’t resort to violence either, but it needs them to be provided with the right tools and wanting to change. More and more women are able to get control of their lives and we are good at providing support for each other, even under difficult circumstances. Men who don’t support their women, and each other, will be left behind.

          I don’t hate men, my other half is magnificent and incredibly supportive and the abusers are certainly a minority. I do hate violent people who refuse to take accountability for their actions. The issue is that, at the moment, the majority of these are men. Own the problem and work on the solution. Men need to make sure boys know the greatest asset anyone can have is to be a nurturer both to others and themselves.

        • try2bhelpful on 13/02/2018 - 00:12
          -2

          @lainey13: or the male ex who decides to kill the new boyfriend. This was also highlighted in the NSW coroners report.

        • [Deactivated] on 13/02/2018 - 03:08
          +7

          @try2bhelpful: you are so caught up in making an argument, you aren't even looking at who you are replying to.

          You've gone into a thread about a man suffering abuse from his female ex partner to tell men they are less important victims who need special lessons on how to behave.

          That's some pretty sickening behaviour and you should probably get some help.

        • try2bhelpful on 13/02/2018 - 13:05
          -5

          @Cubist: One of the things highlighted in the coroners report was that men are not only killed by their female partners they are also being killed by ex boyfriends of the female partners - so not only could it be male victims but male perpetrators. That was the response I was giving to Laine13. Seems pretty relevant to a discussion on Domestic Abuse.

          We are not seeing the women's side of what has happened here, only the OPs we have no insight into the dynamics of the relationship or why the breakdown occured - you have no way of knowing if she has actualy abused him. I am not trying to diss the OP but without understanding her side of the story we are only seeing one persons point of view. The living in the car is very sad but it speaks of a lack of support network for the OP. If the relationship has broken down, and there is a child involved, then it makes more sense for the women to keep the house as the primary care giver until a court can sort out who gets what.

          You complain about my sickening behaviour but you are the one who seems to be dismissing male abuse in your pursuit of the small number of women who abuse men. I don't agree with anyone being abused but the statistics show that a women are much more likely to be abused than a man; I'm not dismissing that guys are being abused I am saying that the bigger problem needs to be given the most attention. I've been trying to provide long term solutions to takling abuse but you just keep harping on about the smaller problem of women abusing men, rather than the bigger problem of men abusing women. It is so sad that women with our smaller earning power, lack of opportunity in senior management, primary care roles with children, etc are also demanding that they not be abused in the home, isn't it?

          You seem to have lost the argument so you are resorting to person abuse, too sad for you.

        • [Deactivated] on 13/02/2018 - 17:03
          +6

          We are not seeing the women's side of what has happened here, only the OPs we have no insight into the dynamics of the relationship or why the breakdown occured - you have no way of knowing if she has actualy abused him. I am not trying to diss the OP but without understanding her side of the story we are only seeing one persons point of view. The living in the car is very sad but it speaks of a lack of support network for the OP. If the relationship has broken down, and there is a child involved, then it makes more sense for the women to keep the house as the primary care giver until a court can sort out who gets what.

          This is probably the worst thing I have read online in a while.

          I don't know if you can see how warped your view on domestic abuse is right now, but automatically jumping to question the legitimacy of someone saying they are a victim of abuse, and whether or not their spouse has legitimate reasons to be abusing them, and then justifying why the victim should be living out of his car because it's the best solution for his family… (profanity) hell.

        • try2bhelpful on 14/02/2018 - 00:12
          -1

          @Cubist: I have never said that either side are being abusive. I don't take what the OP has said as an indication he is being abused, he certainly doesn't appear to have been physically abused - he isn't talking about broken bones and black eyes.

          Do you believe everything that people say without knowing the other side of the story as well? I don't think that the OP should've been living out of his car, I just said that if someone had to move out then the mother and child should have the house. As I also pointed out the fact that the OP was living in his car highlights how men often don't have support networks in place when issues arrive, perhaps that is something you want to get outraged against instead.

          If this is the worst thing you have read online in a while then you need to get out more, I can highlight a couple of articles on child slave labour, child abuse in the catholic church, soldiers using systematic rape in war zones, etc that might count as being a tad more problematic. But these would, obviously, pale into insignificance against my replies here.

          My view on Domestic Violence are not screwed they are spot on and the facts are on my side, so I'm not overly concerned by your outrage.

          This was my advice to the OP in the first item I posted here.
          "However, I agree with your other comments. The OP needs to make sure that he sees a financial councellor and gets the people he owes money to across his position and organise a payment plan that stops them repossesing his assets."

          I commented on how women are actually more disadvantaged after divorce in relation to someone commented that men get "cleaned out" in Divorce and this little discussion on domestic violence started after "bobbified" talked about women putting in false reports about domestic violence to "get the house". I didn't start either train but the facts are that women are more disadvantaged by divorce and that women are much more likely to be subject to abuse in a Domestic Violence situation - this "comment" was an absolute insult to women who are living in those situations.

          You may be outraged that I am "bringing all this up" but study after study bears out what I say. Men are more responsible for violence in society and the fact that you are more outraged about what I am saying, than that fact, is more revealing than you think.

        • MrB on 14/02/2018 - 00:58
          +1

          @Cubist:

          She's a feminist. That should explain everything lol.

        • [Deactivated] on 14/02/2018 - 12:12
          +1

          @try2bhelpful:

          My view on Domestic Violence are not screwed.

          It is, and you don't realise it. I have not said anywhere that your stats are wrong. I am saying that the attitudes you have adopted as a result of bringing up those statistics regardless of the situation you are presented with have either severely warped your views. or just put you in a defensive autopilot mode.

          Regardless of someones genitalia, you do not jump into question whether someone reporting abuse is really being abused, unless you have sufficient reason to do so. The reporter having a penis, or being statistically underrepresented is not sufficient reasoning.

          There are appropriate times for appropriate stats, and quoting to someone suffering that there are more people suffering elsewhere, and that they are a broken toe compared to an amputated arm is not the appropriate time to quote stats… Do you really not see why this is (profanity) up on a human level?

          If this is the worst thing you have read online in a while then you need to get out more, I can highlight a couple of articles on child slave labour, child abuse in the catholic church, soldiers using systematic rape in war zones, etc that might count as being a tad more problematic. But these would, obviously, pale into insignificance against my replies here.

          I'm aware of those things and I read about them. The difference is I am not reading articles by people "Trying to solve the problem" suggesting that the kids and women might just be getting confused as to the definition of a beating or being raped is, or maybe their beaters and rapists have valid reasons justifying what is going on. Maybe I should have said "This is the most misguided view from someone trying to help" that I have read in a long time.

        • try2bhelpful on 14/02/2018 - 15:45

          @Cubist: I've offered some advice to the OP and countered some misogynistic comments by some of the posters here. I have also offered ideas on how to deal with abuse by working on this issue in the schools by programs on respect and dealing with behavioural issues; but you, obviously, don't think this is a suggestion that is "trying to solve the problem" of abuse. It is pointless us arguing it backwards and forwards as you are, willfully, misrepresenting what I am saying and the issue I am trying to raise. My point has always been that the bigger issue should be given the most effort as the damage caused by male violence is much higher. You have also stated that the OPs partner is abusive with the "proof" being the comments from the OP; these may well be biased. Without her being able to defend herself your accusations are unsubstantiated and border on defamatory.

          Anyway, as indicated this conversation is fast becoming bogged down so I will leave you to concentrate on the smaller issues whilst I concentrate on the bigger ones. I won't be replying again.

        • [Deactivated] on 14/02/2018 - 17:11
          +1

          @try2bhelpful:

          I have also offered ideas on how to deal with abuse by working on this issue in the schools by programs on respect and dealing with behavioural issues

          For men. You want to deal with these behavioural issues targeted at men. Don't leave out the important part which is what I was disagreeing with in the first place. I actually agree with the programs in respect and behavioural issues, I think everyone does.

          My point has always been that the bigger issue should be given the most effort as the damage caused by male violence is much higher.

          I don't agree. I think you need to treat victims as victims and stop giving preference to someone because of the sex they were born as/identify as… You know… the thing that true feminists believe in.

          You have also stated that the OPs partner is abusive with the "proof" being the comments from the OP; these may well be biased

          I never said there was proof, and it's common sense that all perceptions are biased. I said you should never present scepticism as a first reaction to anyone who says they are being abused, especially someone who you have never met before who is seeking out help because they are in a state of distress.

          I will leave you to concentrate on the smaller issues whilst I concentrate on the bigger ones.

          Domestic violence for anyone is not a small issue.

        • Drifter on 14/02/2018 - 22:17

          @Cubist:

          you should never present scepticism as a first reaction to anyone who says they are being abused

          I completely agree with this. When a woman says she's a victim of domestic violence, she's taken seriously. When you have a man, as we do with OP, and he's telling us that he's a victim of domestic violence, you get disbelief and a dismissive attitude from these feminist types. It's a blatant double standard but that's how these people conduct themselves. It's shameful.

        • [Deactivated] on 15/02/2018 - 19:39

          @Drifter:

          I think that most rational people take domestic violence seriously regardless of the sex of the victim. There are plenty of feminists in the same boat. Plenty of men and women out there who carry the message that "feminism benefits everyone" and actually live the message too.

          Attitudes like "Less men suffer domestic violence than women, so lets just concentrate on helping women" makes about as much sense as "Less people die from domestic violence than cancer, so let's just send all the money to cancer research and close down all the women's shelters."

  • poppit88 on 10/02/2018 - 22:52
    +11

    Go and buy a copy of The Barefoot Investor, brilliant book in an easy to read format that will provide you with a wealth of advice, and very easy to follow plans to reduce miscellaneous debt and getting yourself back on your feet.

    Divorce is tough, but it will get better. Just take it one day at a time.

    Digging yourself out of the pit and rebuilding your life takes time - but you will do it. Once you've turned around from this - you honestly won't know yourself in a few years time.

    Good luck.

    • smartazz104 on 11/02/2018 - 16:51
      +4

      1300 655 506

      • [Deactivated] on 11/02/2018 - 17:12

        ohh the good ol' Reading Writing Hotline.

  • Cartman2530 on 11/02/2018 - 07:30
    +20

    Sorry to hear of your situation, an old work acquaintance is going through the exact same thing.
    Don't worry, it WILL get better but you will have to live a very different life you were used to.

    My friend also lived in his car for 4 months when he separated from his wife last year, through winter too. AND HE DIDN'T TELL ME THIS! Otherwise I would have offered to let him stay at my place. Crazy thing is he never let on that he was living in his car, and later told me he didn't want to bother anyone. Even his family didn't know about it!

    I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure that your friends know of your situation, if they are proper friends they will help you out.

    With your debt, the best thing in your situation is to reduce it. I would get rid of the car for starters and work on servicing your CC debt until your divorce is finalised and hopefully you can get enough cash to pay it off in full. Stick to public transport if you can.

    As with my friend, a well thought out budget will help you. You may not be able to afford luxuries, so if you drink or smoke I would seriously consider giving up. Sounds tough but if you stick with it, it'll help you in the long run.
    Do you have any children? Make sure you factor in child support in your budget if you do. Not sure if you would have to pay while on workers comp or not.

    I do hope that things work out for you.

  • idonteven on 11/02/2018 - 08:26

    Read The Barefoot Investor, currently $19 at Big W.

    • freakatronic on 11/02/2018 - 11:19
      +23

      Or free if you read the whole thing in Big W.

      • aerom on 11/02/2018 - 12:16
        +8

        local libraries have copies too. I got mine from there

      • Mokr on 13/02/2018 - 10:37

        Or Library Genesis

  • jonnochen on 11/02/2018 - 08:44
    +7

    Sorry to hear of your circumstances.
    Sell your car, ASAP. Get a $1k runaround, and then another one if it craps out. PT outside of big cities is poorly serviced.
    This will reduce your debt.
    You need to consolidate your CC debt. There are a number of 0% transfer options at the moment (well there were 2 months ago).
    And like people above have said, don't be too proud to ask friends and family for help (if that avenue has not been exhausted).
    Get some exercise if you can (even just walking), to help your mental state, and to help get you back to work so can earn more.

    • Cartman2530 on 11/02/2018 - 09:41
      +5

      Agree with the exercise, go for walks to take your mind off things. Its free and it can benefit you physically as well as mentally.

  • kyoba on 11/02/2018 - 08:48
    +2

    Tip: talk to all banks and get a balance transfer of your 3 credit cards ti a personal loan. Alot can do 0-1÷ over 9 months. I think ive seen up to 10k balance transfers. Try to talk to all banks to negotiate the best price. Even if they dont have the deal push to try and get the best deal possible.
    Also just before the process (9 months) finishes, do another balance transfer to another bank.

  • nikey2k27 on 11/02/2018 - 09:56

    Sell the car get to run around cheap car. under $5000 as if lost of lot you still need a car.

  • smashed on 11/02/2018 - 10:48
    +3

    Is this a wind up? In July 2017 you had 17k of debt and were already unable to work.. yet since then you bought a 50k car?

    https://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/319043

    • gozyla86 on 11/02/2018 - 12:01

      I already have a car at that time. But the monthly fee come from joint acc

      • smashed on 11/02/2018 - 12:32

        I don't understand. This was still relevant debt for the previous post though?

        Can you even sell a car with finance on it in Australia?

        • methdd on 11/02/2018 - 14:46

          Yes. The new owner is responsible to check and when they pay, they pay off the loan first then any extra to the owner.

  • srhardy on 11/02/2018 - 11:22
    +1

    workcover isnt a secure income, they will try to force you off onto the much tougher to qualify for Disability Pension and you would be better off as you would get rent assistance.

  • WTF on 11/02/2018 - 11:22
    +18

    Life sometimes does kick you in the guts (and then to be sure it runs you over with a bus!). It is what it is but best to work through things slowly and carefully irrespective of how painful it is. Here are some suggestions.

    (1) if you are still living in your car, sort out your accommodation asap. Most states/cities have organisations that provide emergency accommodation for homeless people. alternatively call a friend/family or hire a small place (like a single room) or a hostel accommodation for cheap. Example is Hutt St Centre in adelaide that provides emergency accommodation and financial advice (see below). Some people are embarrassed to use these services but first things is to accept your situation.

    (2) Call all your loan providers and tell them of your situation. Ask for a temporary halt/pause on your repayments given the circumstances. Most providers want their money back rather than defaulting on payments so they may be willing to accommodate your circumstances. This is best done with professional advice and there are organisation that provides free financial advice for this sort of situation.

    (3) Sell the car and pay down your loans. You will make a loss but sometimes you will need to cut your losses. Don't buy a cheap car - just use public transport for now. In fact don't buy anything right now that you can differ till later.

    (4) Slowly pay down your remaining debt. It will take time.

    (5) Please understand you are not the only one. We all make bad decisions and sometimes random shit happens even if you have done the right things. See a doctor and get treated for depression if you are thinking about ending everything.

    • timmysbiscuits on 11/02/2018 - 15:53
      +9

      @ OP: Please take (5) really seriously here and look out for any signs. I know you didn't hint at this, but what's happened has made this a risk factor. Your situation may seem hopeless right now, but you will get through it; there are always ways. Besides, suicide affects people around you much more than just you - think about your baby needing a father in the future. Coming here for advice is a good sign, at least reaching out to a community looking for answers. Please listen about selling the car and reducing debt/debt repayments. It's not just the debt repayments you'll reduce but the running cost in some areas eg. I imagine insurance for a $50k car must be expensive too!

    • [Deactivated] on 11/02/2018 - 22:31
      -5

      Feeling sad and desperate isn't clinical depression.

      Please don't get treated for depression unless you've been given a diagnosis for depression. Your feelings may actually be appropriate given your circumstances. Not all bad feelings need to be medicated.

      • CheapCoffee on 11/02/2018 - 22:36
        +2

        Except those feelings are directly related to clinical depression.

        Why are you worrying about whether he gets medical treatment for it or not? That decision is up to the mental health professionals and psychiatrists to make, not the patient. It is more important that if he knows that there are options for him to seek help when he feels that there isn't one.

        • [Deactivated] on 13/02/2018 - 09:14

          There's a difference between cause and effect. Negative feelings as a cause isn't treated the same as if the latter.

          Judging by the down votes, I guess people don't like hearing that for some strange reason. Pretty much just said don't medicate without a diagnosis.

  • stephjess3 on 11/02/2018 - 11:32
    +3

    Get legal aid a lawyer to help you with all of this. One of my girlfriends who came out of a dv situation where a lot of debts were racked up the ex, this lawyer wrote to the banks etc to get her out of some of the debts, one big credit car debt she only has to pay half now. Her ex’s fines from
    Her car her lawyer wrote to police department to let her get off them. Her lawyer cut all her debts right down.

  • Kranbone on 11/02/2018 - 11:54
    +1

    Speak to a financial panther about how you can restructure and move forwards. Small steps become big leaps.

    Good luck.

  • centrelink on 11/02/2018 - 11:57
    +18

    Do what my name says

  • aerom on 11/02/2018 - 12:17
    +3

    Sorry to hear about your situation
    As few said before, I do not know what it feels like to be divorced, so my ideas/suggestions are based on other parrallel situations I have seen/faced.
    First of all, take care of your head. IT truly is the master of everything. Get it a positive frame, do yoga, work out, do anything that can make you feel better without doing anything damaging.
    Second, things are momentary so concentrate less on things, and things suck your time and effort, a car would need some dough to maintain and run. So think about that. "Stuff take your money".
    Others have talked about financial things so I wont repeat here.
    Good luck and remember you can only go up from here.

  • OBEY YOUR MASTERS on 11/02/2018 - 13:01
    +2

    Get yourself back on track and go MGTOW.

  • mungas on 11/02/2018 - 13:34
    +3

    Hey OP,

    I note its probably been mentioned above but the one primary focus is your mental well-being in this major change to your life.

    Humans thrive off knowing and stability and a change in your relationship circumstances throws a huge curve ball which a lot of people find themselves trapped in their own web of wanting things to return as they were etc. not saying this is your case, but my two uncles have gone through the same thing, and although financial circumstances were different in both cases, both ended up depressed, despite enough money to help them continue their lives.

    We don’t say it enough but money fuels our emotions and it can very easily lead us to some dark places.

    First things first, focus your efforts on the future. Spit ball ideas, what would you like to do, what do you think you can do, HOW will you get there etc. Secondly, arrange your finances to cater to your objectives. If you want to keep your car, keep it! If you see that you’d rather have that money elsewhere, sell it !

    Everything has a time and a place, and if you part with something now, you can always re unite under different circumstances.

    One thing people can’t reunite themselves with is their mental state. Don’t lose track of yourself.

    Good luck for the future

  • ectogammat on 11/02/2018 - 13:45
    +14

    OP, I don't have any ideas that have not already been mentioned by other commenters. But I would like to wish you all the best - it sounds like an incredibly difficult time and your resilience is being tested. There is hope and you will get out of this.

  • awaischb on 11/02/2018 - 13:46

    shit happens to everyone mate the only solution to this is never give up , get up and show yourself standing one more time time is the only medicine which can heal anything cheers

  • Chik5555 on 11/02/2018 - 16:33
    +5

    I have been through something somewhat similar and it was rough and a real wake up call to get control of my own finances. I'm on a much better trajectory now and am proud of myself for the progress I have made and where I have gotten, although I have a ways to go to get where I want to be!

    You can most certainly do it if I can!

    I suggest -

    Sell your car and use the money to catch up repayments, buy a cheap car, and put whatever is left towards the highest interest debt (of course this is subject to discharging the finance on the loan first).

    Don't buy anything else on credit and start living frugally.

    Put all your spare money towards paying off the debt.

    You don't say whether you expect to be able to return to work or not. If/when possible you might be able to pick up some kind of work to bring in more money (even airtasker for whatever you can do, online side hustles etc). Check if this interacts with WorkCover and impacts on your payments.

    You might find some podcasts, YouTube channels and reading material helpful and/or inspirational. I like Dave Ramsey, Living on a Dime, etc. Even if I don't agree with everything people say I find it inspiring and thought provoking.

    • GC1 on 12/02/2018 - 18:39
      +1

      @Chik5555 - well done.

      To op, like Chik5555, getting out from underneath the darkeness is a process - it is not a click your fingers and everything will be good thing.

      The start of the process is to make good decisions that will affect your future in a positive way NOW.

      From here on in, commit to making every decision a good decision. Start now.

      Over time you will improve and like Chik5555, hopefully the future you will start to feel proud of each decision you have made starting NOW.

      I wish you a bright future.

      • Chik5555 on 12/02/2018 - 19:08
        +1

        Thank you :)

  • [Deactivated] on 11/02/2018 - 16:44
    +1

    But for the grace of God go i…

  • TJL on 11/02/2018 - 16:53
    +2

    Hi OP, although I your full circumstances are not known, I just want to say you are not alone. There are many people worse off than you so stay strong and most importantly take of your well being. You can pull through this but you need to think smart and think long term gain from short term pain. Seek help from family and friends and surround yourself with the right people. Please steer away from debt consultants and advisors who will charge you for their advice when you can get the same advice for free from a qualified local financial counsellor. They can explain to you your options. Prepare a realistic budget and adjust it when your circumstances change. learn to live without the luxuries and watch your savings grow. Give up any takeaway, magazine and foxtel subscriptions and the like, buy things when on special. Take advantage of 0 interest free period offers for limited time on balance transfers to reduce your credits from 3 to 2 to 1. Makes things more manageable dealing with 1 debt than 3. Use the one card for emergencies. Explain your situation and enter into a payment arrangement to pay off that 1 large credit card debt. The 2 credit card debts aside from the CBA one usually charge high interest. Definitely sell your car before it eventually gets repossessed as it is a depreciating asset. Try selling it at a realistic price on gumtree and use the proceeds towards reducing your debt and the purchase of a car less than 7 years old with low kms meaning less maintenance issues for a while. I used gumtree and received $4k more for my car than the 2nd hand car yard. Takes patience but you will get much more back than if the car is repossessed and sold at an auction. Consider these options and see how you go. Hopefully in a few months time after the outcome from the courts things will not be as bad as it seems. Good luck!!! One last tip. Do not consider bankruptcy it is only ever a last resort after you have exhausted all other options Good luck !!!

  • infinite on 11/02/2018 - 16:55
    +6

    Just go back home and tell the ex she can leave if she doesn't like it. If you have a 50% or more interest in the property, you have no obligation to leave, especially if it financially ruins you. If the ex has no financial stake in the property, chuck her shit on the lawn and change the locks.

    • bobbified on 11/02/2018 - 18:07
      +2

      Just go back home and tell the ex she can leave if she doesn't like it.

      Im not saying that this is bad advice, but this could actually turn out pretty bad. Someone mentioned there was a young kid in the mix earlier. If she's already kicked him out (we don't know OPs reason), but if he tries to go back against her wishes, a claim of domestic violence (whether true or not) would cause things to be much worse. I think it's realistically safe to say that the cops would take the mother and child's side (which sucks, I know).

      • infinite on 11/02/2018 - 18:24
        -2

        Complete nonsense. She can leave if she doesn't like it & he has the same right to keep the children. It's not domestic violence to be in your own property & you'd need an Olympic level of mental gymnastics to link any of that with domestic violence in the first place.

        • bobbified on 11/02/2018 - 18:52
          +5

          It's not domestic violence to be in your own property

          No shit! I know that, you know that and everyone else knows that! It's all good in theory and in discussions.

          But when you witness your mates get falsely accused of domestic violence or even get threatened with the use of a domestic violence report because they're doing something the wife doesn't like, you'll realise how infuriating it is. It's one person's word against another's. As a guy, there's literally fk all you can do about those accusations. Things are 10 times worse when there's a young child involved!

          You'd have to be blind or stupid to try and assume that everyone "plays by the rules"! I don't know the OP or his wife, but the possibility of these types of accusations should not simply be discounted.

          And when this sort of stuff does occur, the accusations could potentially end up impacting the final custody battle for the child.

        • thriftybunny on 12/02/2018 - 12:59
          +3

          @bobbified: this makes me sad for all the real victims of domestic abuse…

        • nickj on 12/02/2018 - 13:29
          +8

          Yes, I would suggest a lot of caution! Unfortunately seemingly false accusations of violence seems to be remarkably common during divorce.

          Heard from the local GP that in one month she had 5 separate female patients going through acrimonious divorces asking her to sign documents to effect that they had come in previously with injuries which were consistent with violence, or told her about violence prior to the divorce, which in all cases was false, and she refused all 5 requests.

          Had brother-in-law have accusations made against him of violence by ex during divorce, again no independent verification or any evidence before or since that this was true, but the impact was that he was initially prevented from seeing is daughter at all, and then could only see her under independent supervision (and he had to pay the full cost of the independent supervisor) at a particular location (which he also had to pay for the use of), so no going home, or weekend visits, or any of that. After there was no proof of any kind it eventually got dropped, but he had to go to court repeatedly to get that to happen, and it lasted over 18 months, and the impact on him was profound (depression, anxiety, lots of damage to relationship with daughter).

          So while I have zero doubt that some accusations of violence are true, I strongly suspect that in many cases during a bitter divorce that it's untrue and being used as a tactical weapon to inflict emotional and financial pain.

          As someone who believes strongly in gender equality (and thinks that in many ways we fall far short of where we should be), what annoys me is that if I made a false police report or lied in court, there would be a consequence, I'd end up in jail or paying a fine or doing community service. But if during a divorce if a person makes an accusation of violence for which there is no evidence and it subsequently gets dropped, there is no consequence for the (almost always female) accuser but a massive consequence for the (almost always male) accused. And surely that's the textbook definition of gender inequality.

        • poppit88 on 18/02/2018 - 00:46

          @nickj: But, I bet the mother tells all and sundry she loves her child unconditionally!

          What a screwed situation - and what a great way to screw up your child's future and their adult relationships.

          I don't know where peoples heads are at sometimes.

          Agree with you totally, on this one. And these types of situations you describe makes us just a tad cynical about domestic violence. It really doesn't do a lot to further the cause for females (and males for that matter) who are in genuinely violent and dysfunctional relationships.

          And, women who play this card, seriously girlfriend - you aren't doing anything productive for those individuals in genuine situations where they are at serious risk of harm!

      • JoJoker on 13/02/2018 - 20:09

        Go one better – claim domestic violence on her part and move in when they take her away for questioning. Then change the locks.

  • thriftybunny on 11/02/2018 - 17:06
    +1

    Hey sorry to hear…
    I agree with what many people said look after yourself, stay with a friend or family or colleague for a short while so you can get thru this rough patch, I think being around people who care about you will be better than being alone and don't feel indebted you can repay them later when you are able to. Focus on the basics like sleeping well and eating well and being grateful for what you have.
    For the debt go thru a personal finance service to go into a consolidated payment arrangement for hardship. Don't stress about your debt right now, you'll pay it back when you are back on your feet. Take care of yourself first.
    Best wishes.

  • OzzyOzbourne on 11/02/2018 - 17:42
    +2

    Reduce your debts that you are paying interest on. Good luck

  • citybargainhunter on 11/02/2018 - 17:54
    +8

    Who owns the house? Is it not jointly owned? How can she/he just kick you out?

  • DarkOz on 11/02/2018 - 18:23

    Hi OP, sorry to hear what you have to go through but just remember to be strong whenever you are feeling down.

Login or Join to leave a comment
Login Join