Parent Asking Us to Look after Their Kid

LHoofee on 21/11/2017 - 18:47

After a bit of advice.

My 7yr old son has a friend at school who he has had play dates with in the past. The kid has been to our house more than five times for play dates or sleepovers (only once or twice actually invited by us), our son hasn't had a play date at their house (has been there once for 1 minute or so while in transit to a party elsewhere). They invited him once - but we were busy so had to decline.

We have had a number of SMS messages at various times during the year asking if it is ok if we look after their kid for a few hours, or sometimes for a sleepover.

We just received another SMS yesterday and I read the message and thought they were inviting our son to his place and was pleasantly surprised, but alas today I re-read the message and realized that they were actually asking, again, for us to look after their kid.

We get on ok with the parents, not great friends or anything but we see them at the school etc, but my wife and I are feeling a tad used.

Maybe it's our upbringing, where you would typically invite others to come to our place rather than invite yourself. It seems we're now a free babysitting service.

I have considered saying something to them about the imbalance, but it's tricky and I don't really want to cause too much friction. Our kids are friends and get on really well and they'll be going to the same school likely for years to come.

Any suggestions for the approach to solve the problem, other than by not responding to the SMS which is probably not a long term solution?

Toys & Kids

Comments

  • EightImmortals on 21/11/2017 - 18:54
    +20

    If it's not a major hassle then look after the kid. Your kids will have someone to play with and the other kid might get a break from his parents. Kids welbeing trumps your hurt feelings. :)

  • PJC on 21/11/2017 - 19:03

    Your parents are staying for 6 weeks while their house gets renovated.

  • Jonski on 21/11/2017 - 19:06
    +8

    You could play their game? and start asking them whether they can watch your kid?

    (p.s. i hold no responsibility nor knowledge as a parent - I am a simple 25 year-old)

    • Findo on 21/11/2017 - 20:03
      +2

      That’s actually a good idea. Obviously don’t do it immediately after, but definitely ask if they can reciprocate. If they refuse, don’t look after their kid again if it doesn’t suit your timings.

      Some parents are sneaky. I’ve been babysitting long enough to see the intricacies of inter-parent interactions and some of it isn’t pretty.

  • Toons on 21/11/2017 - 19:08
    +9

    Accept it your kids could end up being mates for life.

    Then put the shoe on the other foot.

    Send them a random message asking if they would mind Looking after your young bloke in the same terms they use.

    If they turn you down maybe put a stop to sleepovers or some boundaries like he's welcome for dinner but we have some things to take care of so you need to pick him up by X

    IF they are using you if and it starts becoming difficult for them they will look elsewhere for a nanny service if that's what it feel like.

    Keep it all civil and plausible and see how you go, so they don't feel you're testing the waters.

    After al there is an awful lot of commitments and things to do this time of year :-)

  • tsunamisurfer on 21/11/2017 - 19:09
    +3

    Tell them your son has started drawing demonic pictures of human altar sacrifices and also likes ripping heads off bunnies. Little Johnny is free to stay if they like.

    Or alternatively go for some short term truth-benders like your daughter is sick and don't want to infect their son. Or your wife is sick.

  • psyren89 on 21/11/2017 - 19:12
    +2

    Tell them you haven't vaccinated your kid.

    • [Deactivated] on 21/11/2017 - 19:44
      +2

      POX PARTY!!!!!

  • wei13 on 21/11/2017 - 19:13
    +3

    You can be polite, respectful, but firm all at the same time. That's a skill I wasn't taught growing up, and had to learn later on. Also you can't control if someone else takes offense or not.

    Maybe say I am glad you trust me, but I don't really want to. If it was me I would just say I don't like the responsibility of looking after someone else's child (which is true).

  • qwerty on 21/11/2017 - 19:14
    +1

    Just respond something like Hey we'll look after little billy this week but next week is it ok if you look after our jimmy with you for a few hours even if you are not fully intending to let them stay.

    Gauge their response and act accordingly. But they have in the past offered for you to drop your kid off and i mean its only been a total of 6 times so far.

    Only real problem is they decide the kids cant play together so you gotta add up is their friendship worth a couple hours of your time with their son and some food.

  • smuggler on 21/11/2017 - 19:30
    +12

    You've fallen prey to the freeloaders.

    Once is okay, but decline after that. It happened to my parents when I was growing up.
    Learn to say no. It is one of the most important skills you will ever learn.

    • original15 on 21/11/2017 - 19:43
      +6

      This.
      Learn to say no
      You said it 👍🏻👍🏻
      Don't need to make up and excuse or give a reason, just say "sorry can't this time"

    • oscargamer on 21/11/2017 - 19:43
      +4

      it's more than ok to say no

      it's a life skill

  • marketingpolice on 21/11/2017 - 19:45

    Just say sorry busy time of year so have other plans. Best not to offend other parents at school by making a big deal out of it. We have had parents private messages between each other sent to other parents and even put on facebook. Petty I know but can't tell with some people. So best not to put it in writing.

  • chumlee on 21/11/2017 - 19:47
    +1

    Just tell them he can come over for a play but you are not keen on a sleepover.

    Does sound like you could be being taken advantage of

  • Diji1 on 21/11/2017 - 19:51
    +3

    "No."

  • mskeggs on 21/11/2017 - 20:12
    +7

    Surprised that people are urging you to say no.
    Helping out others is great, and what builds community spirit.
    By all means ask if you can get your kid looked after too, when it suits you. If they won't reciprocate, then it is reasonable to be exasperated, but it sounds like you have never asked.

    Consider too, that while it is lovely and Jane-Austenesque to have wait until an invitation comes, but if you can get some help from somebody if you need to take a sibling to a doctor or sport or something it is a great bonus for everyone involved.

    • HighAndDry on 21/11/2017 - 20:29
      +2

      Helping others is great. Being used is not. OP (and you) need to learn the difference.

      • mskeggs on 21/11/2017 - 22:09
        +1

        How is it being used if it is something the OP is otherwise happy to do.
        Ask them to look after the other kid sometimes before concluding they won't.

  • imurgod on 21/11/2017 - 20:12
    +1

    I agree with the imbalance thing. I grew up where if someone invited you over, you invited them. To not reciprocate, was to send a message.

    Then again, I have a sister-in-law who is a professional freeloader and not about to change anytime soon… you can tell because nobody ever invites them anywhere.

  • NancyCat on 21/11/2017 - 20:17

    Just say no, and give them a phone number of a babysitter.

  • HighAndDry on 21/11/2017 - 20:44
    +11

    Two possibilities:

    1. They're using you as free babysitting as you say.

    2. Cultural difference and they see nothing wrong with inviting their kid to your place and they're wondering how come you never need your kid looked after.

    • rompastompa on 21/11/2017 - 22:21
      +10

      .3. Their kid might keep asking to go around OP's kids house. The parents might be like.. Yes Billy, I've asked OP, but they're waiting on opinions of OzBargain.

      Additionally, you might find that the other parents have a sh!thole, and are embarrassed about bringing OP over. The one time they got the courage to ask, OP snobbed them off :D (comment in jest)

  • witsa on 21/11/2017 - 20:56
    +2

    They're probably thinking the reverse and wondering if you don't trust them to look after your kid.

    If the kids are getting along, chances are they'll be perfectly fine with looking after your kid for a few hours too. You just haven't asked.

  • [Deactivated] on 21/11/2017 - 21:08

    (profanity) no

  • sparkles on 21/11/2017 - 21:10
    +2

    It's possible they don't have grandparents who can help out and you are a lifeline. I'd help out occasionally unless it was disruptive or became a hassle. But I'd definitely test whether the same favour is reciprocated. If it isnt, then phase out saying "yes" with saying "no".

  • GetOffMyUnicorn on 21/11/2017 - 21:10

    Why don't you just tell them the truth and move on from the situation.

  • Hoofee on 21/11/2017 - 21:22
    +2

    You guys are right, we haven't asked them to look after him.

    We've never really had a reason to ask (our kid is a good kid and we enjoy taking him with us everywhere). It would be weird to ask them to look after him if there wasn't an actual need, seems kind of rude. As in, if I didn't have anything on then it would seem less rude to invite their kid to our place instead. But we now avoid that because we don't want to encourage them asking us more often.

    Maybe it's because they have 2 kids and we just have 1, they have more of a need. But it would be nice if they occasionally offered, every time they contact us it's almost only because they want us to look after him, I would feel bad if I was in their shoes but they seem fairly comfortable with asking.

    It's not a trust thing, I think they would look after him just fine.

    Maybe I need to revisit my thinking. Lots of food for thought, including the "No" option.

    Thanks for the feedback.

    • John Kimble on 22/11/2017 - 18:43

      Good experience for you and your kid to let them look after him every now and then (if they end up agreeing).

  • altomic on 21/11/2017 - 21:27
    +1

    Say yes, and ask if they mind you taking him to your regular creationism meeting

  • fossilfuel on 21/11/2017 - 22:06
    +3

    7 year old kids have reasonable insight and he should be quite friendly with you having been over your place so many times.

    1. Start off by asking the kid whether he enjoys coming over and what he likes doing when he's over. It's possible that the kid enjoys coming over to play and that's the parent's way of communicating it to you.

    2. Then ask whether the kid thinks his parents are ok with him coming over so often. Reinforce the fact that you enjoy the kid coming over. You can kinda gauge from his response and body language whether he actually wants to be over or not.

    3. Ask the kid what (or what he thinks) mum and dad is doing when he's over for a play date or a sleepover. Or you can ask him happens on a typical afternoon/night when he's not over your place/with his parents. Perhaps there may be some family issues? Maybe the parents are outgoing and prefer to shove the kid off to you. Myriad of possibilities but don't jump to conclusions.

    Kids are not truthful so take their responses with a grain of salt and talk to his parents. Face to face or call them. Don't jump straight into asking "why don't we ever get invited to your place?" or like "when will our kid come over to yours for a sleepover?". That will only lead to disaster.

    Acknowledge that your kid and their kid are getting along well. Ask them why their kid enjoys coming over so much. Tell them that over time you will be busier/have more commitments and you won't be unable to have their son over as frequently. Also tell them that you will continue to advocate for/agree with/support the friendship between your kid and their kid.

    You also need to be comfortable with saying "no". One way can be "Unfortunately, I'm quite busy this afternoon and won't be able to have (kids name) over" or "Thanks for your call but we won't be around to have (kids name) over". Don't give in and say that you'll cater to them next time. Being "busy" or "not at home" are sufficient explanations.

    In the most extreme circumstances, if you have pressing concerns about the welfare of the child, phone your school and ask to talk to either a deputy principal or the school counsellor. I'm talking about cases where you suspect neglect or relinquishing care. They would advise you on what you should do next.

  • [Deactivated] on 22/11/2017 - 01:00

    if your son is ok with the idea, it keeps him occupied and happy so why not. Sounds like you are slightly being used, but if your not busy why not and if you are busy tell them not this weekend.

  • onetwothreefour on 22/11/2017 - 06:04
    +7

    Gone are the days when kids used to just go by themselves and knock on their friends door and ask if they wanted to play. Now it's all organised through the parents to have play dates, I wish we could have the old days back.

    • singlemalt72 on 22/11/2017 - 08:22
      +1

      This!

      From the age of 10 or so I'd ride my bike around to see a mate and we'd go out all day. I'm trying to instil this into my daughter, though she always wants to be driven everywhere.

      • altomic on 22/11/2017 - 10:38

        bob's mum to sam's mum - "I'll get my people to talk to your people and organise something in 3 months time"

  • PlasticSpaceman on 22/11/2017 - 08:25
    +3

    "They invited him once - but we were busy so had to decline." - So it's not like they haven't offered in the past, if only the once…..

    I have three kids, and knew a number who were over 10 and had never had a sleep over - not because it hadn't been offered but because they weren't comfortable doing it. They might have nightmares, or be embarrassed because they wet the bed (definitely an issue with the boys), or any number of other reasons. One boy we had stay over when he was 10 for his first sleep over (even though the parents were hesitant because he still wet the bed occasionally). He did have a minor accident but we had prepared the bed with a 'kylie' under the sheets, and when it happened we did the F1 quick sheet change (did I mention we have three kids?) and it was all good. When he realised that the thing he was so scared about (wetting the bed) happened and it was not an issue, he no longer was worried about sleep overs. He stayed a few times after that, and with improved confidence he never had an issue after that first time.

    I'm now assuming that the kid and the parents all seem fine, and you don't mind your son playing with the kid and the parents appear to be stable.

    Basically, it is always possible that the parents took your original refusal as a polite way of avoiding saying your son didn't want to stay over for some reason you didn't want to mention. Let the other kid stay. We loved having kids over at our place because it kept our demons occupied. Next time he comes, let the boy know that your son would love to stay over at his place some time (he'll then nag his parents about it). Then when he gets picked up, or you drop him off, say to the parent how much fun they had and that maybe your son can have a sleepover at their place sometime. That's all you need to do. If, and only if, your son doesn't get an invite after that you should consider yourself being possibly used as a cheap babysitter.

    Personal opinion here - I never added up the number of times we had kids over compared with the number of times they stayed over at others. There are all sorts of reasons why people may or may not be able to have kids over. The one thing I did notice is when a kid is being dropped off at our place, the good parents tend to bring an offering (biscuits/chips/whatever) for the kids to eat. Some may even bring extra, for the siblings. The 'users' would simply drop their kid and run, maybe even asking for their kid to be picked up/dropped off.

    • altomic on 22/11/2017 - 10:46
      +1

      this^^

      my youngest and her best friend have been best friends since day 1 of prep (now grade 3).

      my youngest is happy and wants to go over for sleep overs (and does).

      her friend has come over many times for play dates and we have tried 3 times to have sleep overs but she gets scared(?)/worried/concerned - and wants to go home - which her mum is aware of and happy to pick her up - excepot the last tiem when it was 1am and absolutely bucketing down.

      a friend of my middle daughters has slept over a few times but sleep walks/ has night terrors. she'll walk around the house freaking out and crying - but asleep. and doesn't remember anything the next day. a tad disconcerting. but laughable at the same time. I've sort of discouraged her coming over. it leaves dishevelled the next day as it's someone elses kid so I tend to fully wake up and pay attention etc, rather than being relaxed if it my own kid who I know how to settle.

  • HeWhoKnows on 22/11/2017 - 09:32
    -1

    These people are users big time. Stay away from them. Ignore their requests. If you need to reply say "you will get back to them" or " I dont know" but dont follow up. Perhaps cut down or stop all together on time thier kid spends at your place. They will get the message.

  • pandabun on 22/11/2017 - 10:38

    It depends on how close your son is to his friend. If they are really close, I would suck it up and let him come over. Both kids will have good time and your son will be occupied, hence, leaving you and your wife alone. But if it's too much hassle for you and your wife, then I would say no to the play date. Reject the babysitting request politely, don't burn any bridges.

  • Hoofee on 22/11/2017 - 14:52
    +5

    Well, after some reflection we decided to agree to the play date.

    They are good friends and have a good time in each others company.

    I'll try to seek a bit more balance though, we'll see what Summer brings.

    This thread has really helped, thanks everyone.

    • Toons on 22/11/2017 - 14:57

      Good on ya,

      There is always more than one way to tackle something that doesn't create a hostile environment for anyone.

      Wish you guys all the best and enjoy the festive season

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