What Happens When You Share a House with a Mate

Edit: Just a quick edit to say thank you. I've taken your advice on board. I've decided to move in with my best mate for a trial period. I'm also planning to go to Mauritius for a mini-holiday later during the year.

Cheers,
JJB


I'm 33 year old, male and I'm going to be homeless in 4 weeks. It is a long, complicated story, so I will spare you most of the details.

One of my options is to move in my best friend. He is renting a 2 bedroom+ study house and is trying to save money to buy a car. So he has suggested that I move in with him and that solves both of our problems.I'll be paying my fair share of rent and bills.

In the spirit of full disclosure , I should add that:

  • I've never house share with anyone other than my wife and kids.
  • I have a pet dog and my mate has a cat, that he stole from me. The 2 pets get along ok.
  • I have a mild case of OCD and ADHD ( never officially diagnosed) but I've been known to do weird things.
  • I sleepwalk . So does my mate. I do it when I'm stressed. He does it when he's smashed.
  • I'm married. He's single, ready-to-mingle and a party animal.
  • He's renting my investment property. So he's my renter and I'm is landlord. Is that going to be awkward?

There's probably even more reasons why this is a bad idea but I'm not sure what my other options are. I also don't want to come home every day to an empty house so I rather not live by myself:(

So…Does anyone have any experience with house-sharing? How did it go? Would you recommend? Do you have any advice, tips, words of warning..etc

Much appreciated.
cheers,
JJB

Poll Options

  • 69
    It is going to be best year EVER!!! You're going to have so much fun!.
  • 91
    Bad idea.You are going to end up hating each other's guts.
  • 18
    Since you're the owner, kick him out and move in. Keep his cat.
  • 192
    Move to Mauritius with the mrs and the kids.That's your problem solved.
  • 6
    You have other options. Such as?

closed Comments

      • And science in this country is going so well you feel you need to stay? Scientists are fleeing. As much as I'd have loved the science itself I'm glad the career didn't work out for me.

  • +1

    Moving in with a mate can be fine and work very well. Just always remember to be respectful of the house. Pull your weight with chores etc. And dont crowd each other too much. Still do your own thing. Lived with 2 good mates for 2 years and it was great.

  • +1

    Given your list, Jar Jar Binks, it sounds like it's going to be interesting.

    I look forward to the book and sitcom based on your time together.

  • +8

    You 33 living with best friend, party animal, while family is overseas …. if you are not already you will be pretty much soon be separating.

  • +1

    Make sure to have things written down regarding agreement for rent and stuff.

    A number of people, including myself, have been involved in renting situations where people thought different things about what had been agreed. I've had a mate had to kick a former good friend of his out after the friend decided that rent was a bit of a pain to pay and he was a mate…

    Ideally, just print out statements, sign and scan them, but even agreement over email is something. A verbal agreement is often, well, not solid or reliable.

    Other than that as others have suggested maybe trial living together?

  • +14

    JJB, I think that Ozbargainers may not be able to help you solving every single one of your life crisis.

    Sometimes, you should just suck it up and move on like others.

  • really irks me when people who are clean think they have OCD. You clearly need to do some reading about what OCD actually is, it's a debilitating illness that literally takes over the persons life. It's not being clean/tidy/putting things in order and you can't really have a mild case. You either have it and it causes you tremendous turmoil or you don't and like to say you do.

    If you are a clean freak and you like things in a particular way this could cause a lot of issues with the friend. You'll need to establish the dynamic before you move in of who is in charge. He may start to resent you because he's paying to have autonomy of the place and while you're living there he may feel like you're in charge and will need to tread carefully. If you want to move in then discuss how you are/why and explain that you're living there as a housemate and not as the landlord.

    • +4

      really irks me when people who are clean think they have OCD

      Its part of an anxiety disorder. It was really bad when I was in my late teens. I had lots of rituals which had to be followed in an exact order. If I missed a step or something was slightly different, like that time I crack an egg with 2 yolks, I would have to start all over again.It used to take me 3 hours to get ready in the morning. Another one was repeating a phrase 108 times in my head every time I did something that I considered 'bad'. If I was interrupted , I would start again : the same phrase over and over until I've reached that 'magic' number.

      Strangely, the only reprieve that I had from my thoughts was when i was solving 'complex' maths problems. I found in tackling differentials, for instance, the logic, the orderliness, the sense of harmony and a sort of abstract beauty that I craved.

      And then I met the woman who would later become my wife . I was 21. Something changed. Everything fell into place. Not immediately but one by one ,pieces by pieces, Humpty Dumpty got put back together again :)

      Whenever I would have a recurrence , she would gently grab my hand and place it on her chest, so that I could feel the gentle rhythm of her heart beating beneath her skin. Maybe she meant to induce some kind of mindfulness in me and it did.It stopped the obsessive, negative thoughts in its track and replaced them with a OMG-I'm-touching-her-boob one. I call it the Magic Boobs Therapy (MBT) :) Highly recommended if you can find the right therapist :b

      I still get 'flare-ups' when I'm stressed. I will check that doors are locked (unlock and lock them), that everyone is in their beds ( it has to be in a specific order) and that's pretty much it. If no ones home or it's in the middle of the day, I'll put on a fresh lab coat ,lock myself in my section of the lab and do what I get paid to do, for as long as I need to, until I feel better.

      The difference between the poet and the mathematician is that the poet tries to get his head into the heavens while the mathematician tries to get the heavens into his head.
      ― G.K. Chesterton

      p.s: As for being a clean freak, that's just an added bonus. You could eat your dinner off my kitchen floor :) My wife and daughter are quite messy though and it doesn't bother me.

      • -6

        Beautifully written, Jar Jar Binks, but that comment probably does warrant one of those social media 'trigger warning' thingies that I've previously been a bit disdainful of. Maybe get one of the Mods to edit that in.

        I mentioned in one of the very earliest PM's we exchanged (prompted by a lovely former OzBargainer who clearly hates bargains now), that I grew up with someone who had a bit of the OCD thing going on. She used to absolutely rave about how much she loved quadratic equations. Now I know why!

        Also, re the comment.
        Wiki, Mauritius, etc…

        • You're joking about the trigger warning, yes?

        • @theguyrules: I wasn't, but I'm not a psychologist. JJB's s wife is. She can decide as to whether any concern in JJB's comment is warranted - aside from the reference to her breasts…

          Steady, @outlander.. :)

        • @Tas:

          What are you saying tas? That wikis breasts don't excite you? That you find them absolutely ordinary and beyond mention?

          Tas, I don't know how can you say such things. The woman is losing her husband (temporarily) and here you are, insulting her behind her back…

        • @outlander:

          I'm unfamiliar with Wiki's breasts, but I am sure that they are lovely.
          Writing that will just serve to remind JJB that they are going to be many thousands of k's away very soon.

          Have a good day, Outlander.
          Maybe think less about 'crawl spaces' and the like…

        • +1

          @Tas:

          I'm unfamiliar with Wiki's breasts, but I am sure that they are scrum-diddly-umptious.

          Whoa now, that's going a little too far Tas.
          Wikis a married woman! She's not going to appreciate that type of comment.. and even if she wasn't married, she's much too high a class of lady to stand listening to that kind of smut!

          Reign yourself in cowboy.

          edit: Ahh, I see you edited your comment while I was replying. Don't I look foolish.
          touché my friend ;)

        • -1

          @outlander: There's no way Tas would have used the word "scrum-diddly-umptious". However I've heard you use that word before. If I remember correctly, it was in reference to Hit-girl and her frilly underpants. Tut, tut…

        • -1

          @Jar Jar Binks:

          ?
          This is the second time you've mentioned frilly underpants. Normally I try and play along with whatever weird game your playing, but this time I really have no idea what your talking about.

          When was I talking about hitgirl?

      • +1

        Time consuming rituals and repetitive, meaningless thoughs - that's definitely OCD. About 30% of OCD-ers also have exhibit obsessional hoarding, but you don't sound like one of those. You also seem to be free of contamination fears (I have them to some extent).

        I like your candid description of yourself and your situation, since most people now are full of self-deception and narcissistic bombast. And despite what Tohara says, all psychopathologies are spectrum rather than binary disorders. That is, they all occur with variable severity and people diagnosed with a certain DSM condition all have a different makeup of symptoms at different severities. It is wrong to say that all schizophrenics are the same, for instance. If you have had to deal with them, people would realize that they are all unique individuals, with different problems, a different worldview, and different strategies of coping.

        • also seem to be free of contamination fears

          I work in a lab.

          obsessional hoarding

          Of bargains (especially Eneloops)

          I do have those to some extent but I find myself in ( am attracted to?) environments and situations that normalises those behaviours.

          I like how my wife describes mental health as a spectrum. That's exactly how I feel. My state of mind is in constant fluctuations depending on internal and external stimuli. I've had periods, in my teenager years, where I was clearly floundering. But I have also had long periods where I have flourished.

  • +3

    Having to learn how to live with an un-related third party is a very educational and important experience in the development of your masculine self.

    Learning to share,
    Learning to put up with others annoying habits,
    Learning to negotiate,
    Learning to 'approach a difficult topic',
    Learning to 'not sweat the small stuff' (like who uses more toilet paper, or doesn't buy it, etc)
    etc, etc.

    So many guys these days haven't gone through all this. It is through these experiences that we develop our internal frame of self-reference, so you can answer questions like the one you have by looking inward.

    I think you should move in with your mate, it will benefit you.

    I lived in a landlord/renter-mate situation, we got along great and it was fine.

  • +2

    for me:

    OCD= obsessive compulsive downloader.

    ADHD= after dinner hand delights.

  • +1

    The only issue is that it will be awkward when you want to increase the rent due to "inflation" as the property agents always say. Other than that, having someone around is not a bad idea.

  • +1

    A year flies by.

    • …and that time with your kids never comes back.

  • +1

    Call the bikies

    • There is a massive void that DSE left behind that bikies has easily filled.

  • +11

    This is the divorce/separation prequel thread, drawing out the separation/divorce in the most convoluted and retarded way possible.

    • Woah well you mifht as well call it this…. a seperation.

  • You could temporarily move to a farm or somewhere rural and get your teeth into blue collar work.

    • A farm? I would feel even more out of depth than if I moved to Mauritius :)

  • +1

    In a friendly gesture and after a mutual discussion, terminate the lease.
    Then share the house with him; give him a room keeping him as the 1-room-tenant and receive house share rent.
    He saves money, so do you.
    It remain your PPR (however, you will get no tax deductions off it)

    However, the main issue will be not be you or pets, etc.
    The issue will be… would you wife be okay with the sharing arrangement?

    • +1

      Wiki suggested it after we agreed that I won't be moving to Mauritius. She's worried that I might sleepwalk my way out of the house and get hit by a car, among other things.

      She trusts him.

  • Look man you don't want to push moving in with your friend if you guys are super close, it can make things awkward and potentially damage your friendship.

    Why don't you use something like flatmates.com.au to find a decent housemate to live with?

    Sharing a house is not as scary as you think - it's common sense! The cost of living these days is so high, so stuff paying for it all by yourself.

  • +12

    Mate, it seems like every life decision you make (minor or major) you decide to put up on OB. Whilst each to their own volition, I must say it is a little tiring seeing your innane posts making the front page all the time. I agree like most others that I don't think you're craving the attention, but seeing the disintegration of your life (crying at work, wife leaving etc etc) is not a pretty sight for anyone. I think you really need to make some friends and share your concerns wth them. Else seek some professional help. You won't find the inner solace you clearly desperately seek on a site designed to help us all find bargains.

    • +1

      So far, I haven't seen any bargains on marriage counselling or shrink sessions discount posted on OB.

  • +13

    The writing is on the wall. Wife wants to leave him under the guise of a temporary 1 yr move to Mauritius, fool is going to lose his kids in the process because he thinks they have this unbridled trust.

    Wife has her support network through her family… and to assaige her own guilt she suggests he move in with a friend. She's probably grown tired of looking after you and seeing you as a child rather than a partner, probably harbours some resentment too.

    Can't believe you'd let your kids go considering how rocky your relationship has been. Pretty selfish to drag the kids along for her own 'home sickness' woes. You're going to have mad custody drama later and if you are the one to breakdown and cry at work, this situation will probably have you neck yourself. Until then, she's gonna keep you wrapped around her little finger so you don't pose a threat as she slowly builds her life up without you.

    Also moving in with friends is a bad idea. Live by yourself or find a roommate

  • +3

    I seriously do not even know how to react. It's like that scene from the Simpsons re the haunted monkey paw

    "He likes pets"
    "That's good!"
    "He has a cat and I have a dog"
    "That's bad!"
    "The pet's get along"
    "That's good!"
    "He stole the cat from me"
    "That's bad!"

    • +3

      the frogurt is also cursed

      • +1

        The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

        • +1

          ……. thats bad.

  • +1

    Technically u can't even rent ur investment property to ur mate. There's the "arms length" law that me at the Ato will now be looking into.

    • It's all above board. Feel free to report and waste ATM's time:)

      • ive been looking into this all morning,

        you may want to look it up,

        What is an 'Arm's Length Transaction'
        An arm's length transaction is a transaction in which the buyers and sellers of a product act independently and have no relationship to each other.

        being friends is considered a breach of this, and ill be in contact with you shortly.

        • Please do :)

        • +1

          Transactions don't have to be between strangers, generally the related parties just have to ensure the transaction is equivalent to one that was at arms length.

  • +2

    I love my best mate (no homo)(well maybe a little) but i think if we had to live together we would kill each other! we are so opposite the way we live!

  • +1

    Hmm. Why not just rent a studio yourself?

    I would be doing that.

  • +1

    AirBnB

    • Hi :)

      I love the house that my mate is renting. Our kids call it the "Happy House" and it is indeed a happy place. The room I've been offered to stay in was our old master bedroom. It is slightly smaller than bedroom #2 but Wiki and I loved the view. We could see the rose bushes that my Grandma planted and on a good day, you could almost hear the distant sound of crashing waves. I would love to live there again.

      Also my mate could use the extra money. He's trying to save to buy an expensive car.

      P.s. Mate can't cook (I can) but he sure can bake. We complement each other perfectly :b

      • +2

        You've pretty much made up your mind, haven't you? ;)

      • -1

        Who wears the skirt then?

  • +2

    Take some leave from your Job and plan to just go there for about a month, might not be as scary that way, then come back here for a month to compare. For me personally the biggest factor would be my kids and wife, work would be a distant second. The suggestion from someone else of looking for work in academia might be a good one, The University of Mauritius doesn't look small and does science and engineering, from memory you said you could go there and not financially need to work, have you thought about furthering your study there, maybe doing a PhD if you haven't already.

    • I wouldn't be able to work in Mauritius. I'm handcuffed

      • Further study then for a year?
        Phd in something that might be beneficial to your current employer?

        • +2

          I already have a Phd. 2 Phds would be a bit of an overkill, wouldn't it? I would be Dr Dr JJB :) Mind you, I have met someone at a work convention who introduced herself as Prof. Dr. Dr. Dr Mrs Smith (not her real name). I thought it was hilarious and utterly ridiculous.

        • +2

          @Jar Jar Binks: Dr Dr has a nice ring to it, but yes probably overkill. Would they give you a secondment to the Uni there? if you are in R&D it might work, I'd suggest A FIFO type set up but looks like too long and expensive of a trip to do regularly unless you did something like month on month off. I am running out of options but I am the same age and if it was me, wife and kids would come first and I'd be on the plane with them.

        • @Jar Jar Binks:

          Never heard of a decent scientist who wouldn't jump at the chance of further study….if not a PhD a postdoc then. There's something strange about your story.

      • Your golden cuffs or your family. Pick one.

  • +1

    I've rented a few places in my time and shared with multiple people. Problems I see are:
    1) if your the actual owner you may not like some of things you might not "typically" know about.
    2) Renting with someone means sharing facilities which means cleaning them, this I've seen come up often.
    3) People end up not doing the dishes and nobody knows whose dishes they are until you just end up doing it.
    4) The personality of your friend is a big decider here, for example I see myself as an outgoing talkative person during the day, but the moment I'm home I lock my room up and vege out by myself as I like that most. Some people are opposite and won't leave you alone which can get stressful.
    5) Sometimes the little things will build up to make things stressful.

    Honestly though if you guys are good enough friends and are able to respect each other, everything should be fine. Coming to a common answer is the best as though as while something you do might be important (due to OCD) other people might think of it as meh. For example I'm someone who likes the lights turned off when not in use to save electricity. This guy I lived with always wants them on for some reason. At first it wasn't a problem but after a while it just builds up and gets annoying to wake up with the whole house lit up.

    • Thanks for sharing your experience. Much appreciated.

  • I love my friends but no way I'd wona live with them.

    Hmmm, unless it was out of high school where u had to due to money I say don't ever do it. Ull end up hating each other.

  • +1

    I moved interstate with my wife for the first time, Never lived here before

    2 of my mates had your exact same scenario, they ended up moving in with my wife and I (3 bedroom house - renting)
    I chose 'It is going to be best year EVER!!! You're going to have so much fun!' and i was right!

    As new to the house sharing business i'd give you this advice:
    1) Set some ground rules up front, get everything out in the open
    2) If you're OCD / he's clean shouldnt be a problem but set rules about keeping common areas clean
    3) Have fun! I had a blast

    • Cheers :)

  • +3

    missing a year of your kids lives isn't a concern?
    youd rather stay and room with a mate than be with your kids.
    Your kids don't mind you not being there for a year?

    got me beat this storey

    • +2

      Yeah either he is clueless or he's making it up.

  • +2

    Wow Mauritius looks amazing. I can't imagine you'll be unhappy there. Who will be looking after the dog though?

    • Now if only someone would post an amazing bargain deal on flights to Mauritius, we could all crash at my in-laws :b

  • +1

    Unsure on your situation beyond what you've said in original post, but going by just it I'd move into a small (/medium) town and rent a house/unit while family is away. Some towns are as cheap as $200-250/week for a decent house with solar and what-not. Investment property will help cover some rent costs, then an average job for the rest.

    Note: assuming your job opportunities are currently limited where you are.

    Edit: you're working? Wouldn't investment property+wage be enough to rent a small unit?

    • Money isn't really a problem. I like the place

      • +1

        Unsure then, I'd personally look into other options as it's hard to live with close mates. It's a lot harder to set out boundaries and what-not when you're close to them. As an example, he could end up partying all night and you'll delay saying anything - compared to an actual room mate where you (I assume) would speak up pretty quickly. It just makes things awkward when boundaries are pushed and need to be set out firmly and enforced.

        Sorry for bad examples and wording, it's pretty late right now… You get the idea though (I hope).

  • +2

    It feels strange commenting on such a personal matter but I will join in anyway. My advice would be go with your wife, at least for the sake of your children and see what it's like. I have seen parents working away due to financial necessity, which is very understandable. Now I read what your wife said about "self destination" but in my opinion a father should put his family first (not that mine ever did) and that means at least attempting to be with them.

    As people have said moving in with a mate brings many potential compromises - having to share, adapt to set habits, privacy etc. as I'm sure you know. Sounds like you'll get along well with this guy though and it doesn't seem like it'll negatively impact your friendship. Though, I find the idea of essentially swapping your family with a best mate…uncomfortable.

    Best of luck

  • No, please! Most of the time your bff WILL become your arch nemesis.

    • Nooooooooooo!!!

  • +2

    It is never a good idea to rent out to a friend, or even to rent to a friend.

    Renting to a friend:
    * If they are short on cash, they may ask to skip a payment etc.
    * If you ever go around there, they will always feel uncomfortable, and as though they have to make the place spotless.
    * He will likely resent paying you the money, unless you are renting it out to him cheaply…

    Living with him:
    * Anything he does will drive you insane, thinking it is damaging the house.
    * You will resent him being there.
    * He will resent you being there, thinking that you are not contributing.
    * It will likely be very awkward
    * He will likely constantly feel uncomfortable when you are in the flat with him.

    My suggestion: GO WITH THE FAMILY! Long periods away can seriously damage relationships etc. I am not sure how old your kids are, or how long you have been married to your wife, but I would highly recommend not being apart from them for a year.

  • So your Wife kicked you out due to your affair with Lyvi ?

    • Liv is a complete nut job. Last time I saw her was in a police station.

      I've decided to stay in Melbourne for the time being. I can always move to Mauritius later on if the kids are unhappy, if the Mrs issues an ultimatum or if my fear of losing my family is stronger than my need to hold on to my emotional security blanket.

      • Be a dear and pm me her name and number. I can fix her

        aside: tonights movie is Fun with dick and jane.

        • Are you still trying to temp me to move in with you? :b

          Btw this is the only Jim Carrey's movie that only seen once. It was that bad.

        • @Jar Jar Binks: I need someone to put my kings robe on me don't I?

          It was that bad.

          Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. It goes over many peoples head.
          Does that mean you've seen Man on the Moon?

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