Sole Parents How Do You Cope?

AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 07:57
Last edited 28/04/2016 - 10:42

If you are a sole parent (mother or father) how do you cope? I recently divorced my husband and we have 3 children. I work part time, study full time and care for our children full time until we can get a date to attend settlement. I don't have any support here and my family lives in the UK, we moved here a few years ago. I am being treated for depression and honestly, I am struggling with just about everything from the children constantly arguing, taking turns being sick to running the house and keep my head above water. Today, it especially feels like I am heading for a nervous breakdown.

Not sure what I'm hoping for by posting on here :(.

General Discussion

Comments

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 10:27
      +13

      @escimojoe That's extremely unhelpful! Did you miss the part where I said I was married before? My children are from this marriage! I had a family life before you know. And, NO I will not be having more children especially when there is people with your mindset around.

  • ExtraSalt on 28/04/2016 - 08:27
    +3

    can you take time off studying? unfortunately, the old 'money doesn't buy happiness' is now deemed obselete. We need money to live, and life is very expensive now in Australia. Pick up a few more shifts where you can, buy in bulk, and good luck with everything.

  • lupiter on 28/04/2016 - 08:31
    +5

    If you want more support maybe look for a local mum's facebook group? Even if you can't get out to any events or meet-ups it can be helpful to have others in the same boat (adults! woah!) to talk to.

    Also your University or college may have some parent's resources or a parents group as part of the student union.

    Wish you the best!

  • Donaldhump on 28/04/2016 - 09:11
    +5

    Keep battling, it works out.
    I think your doing too much, cut your study back to p/t for a bit.

  • geek001 on 28/04/2016 - 09:11
    +5

    Are you eligible for government support? If you are, maybe talk to Centrelink and see if they can help out with the money side of things. I think you are doing the right thing, being a good parent, otherwise you will not be so stressed out.

    Also, maybe try cutting down your study time to maybe part time. It is difficult enough to work part time and study full time, let alone raise 3 children while you are at it.

    How old are your children? Young children takes more effort, but it does get easier once they are older.

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 10:29
      +1

      Thank you. My children are 12, 8 and 5.

  • mskeggs on 28/04/2016 - 09:16
    +19

    I really feel for you. The few occasions where I have had to look after the kids alone for an extended period have made me very sympathetic to single parents.
    I guess while you are working out how everything is going to work out going forward, it will be the hardest. But that also means there is some let up on the horizon, even if it is still a little way away.
    I found there are times of day when I could do better than others, so for example, I'd make school lunches at night to take a chore out of the high stress, hectic mornings, I plan out meals days ahead so I didn't have to do any thinking about what is for dinner.
    I took to dealing with things like bills and school notes immediately they were received, and jumping on things straight away to get them out of the way, instead of my usual procrastination.
    When I was feeling like a super dad I would try and combine some stuff, like baking some brownies with my youngest daughter so we could do something fun but also have some snacks for little lunch at school.
    And sometimes I just threw them an iPad or plonked them in front of TV so I could have half an hour to fold the clothes, and big deal if extended to an hour and a half sometimes just to get some quiet time just to get stuff done.

    If I was doing this longer term, I would probably be pretty ruthless about scheduling after school stuff and weekend sports so it wasn't a huge time drag, and if that meant the kids all did little athletics together at the field instead of one at soccer, another at netball etc., well, so be it.

    Hopefully, you have some friends who can give you some occasional assistance. I know being able to drop the other kids at a friend's place while I took one to the doctor or similar makes life a lot easier.

  • Emli on 28/04/2016 - 10:01
    +1

    I'm not a sole parent so can't help you on that.

    Congratulations first of all. You have obviously taken on a Uni course to better yourself. You don't have an easy load. You have already passed the HECS deadline for this semester so weigh up withdrawing and the fact that you will have a HECS debt from the course you have withdrawn/deferred.

    Universities have free or nominal charges to access a psychologist and/or doctor. They do in WA (Curtin Uni). Your predicament will have been seen before and they can give you expert information. Best wishes.

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 10:32

      Thank you. I did contemplate from withdrawing from 1 or 2 units but I decided against it due to the census date, extra debt I would incur and also the fact that I had done so much work on my units already. I will contact student support about access to a psychologist.

      • kolorijo on 30/04/2016 - 08:24
        +1

        Through university counselling service, maybe they can help you to withdraw from some of your subjects without any penalty.

      • jenkemjunkie on 30/04/2016 - 08:32
        +2

        If you notify the Uni of your situation you could still withdraw and not receive academic penalty and may be able to receive a refund. I had to go to hospital and forgot about withdrawing from uni. I put in an application for hecs refund and no academic recording months later and I was granted it. I was real lackadaisical about it. Definitely go to Centrelink, it is there so people in your situation don't get pulled under!

  • Cheap Steve on 28/04/2016 - 10:02
    +3

    To improve children's behaviour and help out around the house I am a huge fan of the sticker chart. My deal to the kids is 48 stickers equals 48 helpful jobs / good behaviours equals $10 pocket money. I find the sibling rivalry kicks in when they see their brother/sister getting more stickers/money than them. This means win-win as the kids get money and I get better behaviour and more help around the house.

  • bluedufflecoat on 28/04/2016 - 10:08
    +1

    How old are your kids? Do they go to school / attend day care? Do you have friends who can look after the kids a few hours a week so you can get some time off to "regroup"?

    I think social services etc can offer "respite care" or something along those lines. Just gives you a bit of time out, but the criteria might be quite tough.

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 10:33
      +1

      My children go to school. I'm not familiar with respite care but I will google this information in my area. Thanks.

  • loulou1 on 28/04/2016 - 10:10
    +7

    It takes a village to raise a child. If your children are school age, make friends with their friends parents. Quite often in my circle of friends, a group facebook message will be sent saying 'not coping today, can anyone take my child please' and the offers come thick and fast. People like to help, it makes them feel good. Don't be afraid to ask for that help.
    Just remember 'this too shall pass'.
    Hoping things get easier for you.

  • nrg2010 on 28/04/2016 - 11:18
    +1

    Any chance of getting some family to come over and help for a few months?

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 11:30

      I wish it was that easy. My mum would love to come and live with us but the visa process made it extremely difficult. She also has some health issues and the Australian Government has already said she is getting the best healthcare on the NHS so unless I can find $50,000 for a bond which is what they want to grant her visa to live with me the only option for her to come to Australia is on a holiday visa and she would need to pass a thorough medical before granted a visa. However, she is currently unwell, has two jobs and the maximum leave she would be able to get is 4 weeks.

      My sister and her family applied to come here but they were rejected as their skills were not on the skills shortage list here.

  • chartparker on 28/04/2016 - 11:53
    +1

    Universities have a LOT of support for students, but sometimes it's a bit hard to find out about them. Does you uni offer any kind of daycare support or anything? Plus of course taking advantage of student discounts anywhere you can. I remember the days of uni… eating noodles everyday because that was all I could afford. I can't imagine doing it while supporting children!! Kudos to you!

    Oh, and if you can stick it out for a little while longer, it might be best to just get through your course as quick as you can and suffer temporarily. In the end, no-one really cares how well you did in your course - a pass is a pass.

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 12:12

      Thank you so much. It is a 4-year degree but if I keep going at the pace I am I will finish it within 3 years (next year). I've got a discount card too =).

      • chartparker on 28/04/2016 - 12:44
        +1

        Good luck! It's a struggle, but you'll look back and find it was worth it. What are you studying, if you don't mind me asking?

  • AuzzieGumtree on 28/04/2016 - 11:59
    +3

    Sorry if this is hard to talk about - but does your ex not contribute financially / socially / Fatherly duties at all?

    I have 4 kids and we struggle - not so much financially as we both work full time - but because we work full time its hard fitting everything in. Its a fine balancing act and what works for us wont necessary work for others. I know I would struggle on my own as would my wife, but i'm pretty sure we would still be there for the kids in any way we could.

    Hope it all works out for you - dont feel bad about claiming anything you are entitled to as this is exactly the situation it is meant for - I'm sure you will be paying it back over your and your kids working life.

    Good Luck.

    • AussieDolphin on 28/04/2016 - 12:16
      +3

      My ex-husband pays child support. Without it, we would be in huge trouble so I am grateful for that. Until our settlement has taken place there really isn't isn't a lot to say about fatherly duties. At one time the children were in 50% care each but it had to be changed for reasons that I can't disclose on here. Hopefully, after settlement, there will be some structure and routine for the children to spend time and stay with their father a few days a week.

  • Diji1 on 28/04/2016 - 13:09
    +2

    I did read your responses to this suggestion above but it sounds like something has to give in order to improve your situation and it sounds like the only realistic option is study at the moment.

    You have to many responsibilities currently combined with financial difficulties. The stress and anxiety is leading to a situation where you are probably not giving your best to all areas of your life if you don't mind me saying so.

    I would seek medical leave from university and go back to study once you are in a more stable situation.

  • adamvlad on 29/04/2016 - 08:01
    +3

    When I became a sole parent, I found my GP very supportive and that was very comforting. I went on a low dose of antidepressants for several years. Although not a cure, I was about to "see the forest" rather than just the trees.
    GP can organise 10 sessions per year with a Psychologist under the Mental Health Plan.
    Call Centrelink when you have time.
    Don't try to do more than you can manage.
    Hope this helps a bit. It can be a terrible time and I feel for you.

  • adamvlad on 29/04/2016 - 08:02

    When I became a sole parent, I found my GP very supportive and that was very comforting. I went on a low dose of antidepressants for several years. Although not a cure, I was about to "see the forest" rather than just the trees.
    GP can organise 10 sessions per year with a Psychologist under the Mental Health Plan.
    Call Centrelink when you have time.
    Don't try to do more than you can manage.
    Hope this helps a bit. It can be a terrible time and I feel for you.

  • HilMcK46 on 29/04/2016 - 08:08
    +4

    Cut back on the study. Work as many hours as you need to to have a balance between what you earn and Centrelink. Ask for help at uni. Make friends with other mums. I brought up two kids on my own, got a degree and now earn good money. One kid at uni, one has great job and 3 degrees! It;s doable. Ask for help and it will always be given. Just a note on the kids. If they argue they all go to separate rooms. Mke the most of the time they are with the other parent to recharge. Divorce was the best thing I ever did. Those weekends were the only time I got a break! If it all gets too much go see your doctor

    • AussieDolphin on 29/04/2016 - 09:03

      Thanks. Cutting back on my study for this semester means I would incur more debt as the census date has come and gone. However, what you are saying a huge consideration for semester 2 and summer semester. At the time the children are not going to the other parent, they are in my care 100% of the time. I'm hoping after settlement this will change.

  • ms_caz on 29/04/2016 - 13:48
    +2

    if you are doing Bachelor of Education and are close to final year - you must just about be doing final rounds? These are usually the toughest of all and will really take everything you have - on a good day. I don't see how you could do them justice if you are finding it hard to cope. I hear what you say about the (financial) cost of reducing your uni load but are you realistically going to even be able to do your final rounds if you have to carry on the way you are? There has to come a point where there is a balance between what you want to do and what you actually have to do in order to get by. I encourage you to seriously consider the practicalities of your course at this very difficult time.
    best wishes.

  • parisienne on 29/04/2016 - 19:50
    +4

    I am not in your situation,never have been,but i feel for you as far as it all being a bit much.I am sorry for a couple of the responses you got from 1 or 2 on here (obviously had an incredibly fortunate life),so i will try and help as best i can.Get to a GP,get a mental health plan going and access the free or heavily subsidised counseling that will give you privy to.As your kids are a little older (maybe not the 5 year old),explain in simple terms that you are human,that this has hurt you as much as it has them and that you will be the best Mum you can be….but it will be bumpy right now.Reduce your workload (for your own sake,and that of your children)and perhaps see if your ex's parents may be able to do a little Grandparent duties for you (weekends with Nan and Pop,dinner with them,being picked up from school and staying an hour or two).GOOD LUCK SWEETY

    • AussieDolphin on 29/04/2016 - 21:02

      So sweet, thank you. I agree that I need to get back to the doctor as soon as possible. My exH mother in law lives just 10 minutes drive from me but she will not help out when the children are with me. We used to have 50% care and that's when she would see the children (on the ex's weeks). My ex-mother in law resents me for leaving her son. Before this life changing event we had a lovely relationship.

  • maximum on 08/05/2016 - 08:29
    +3

    Go see Centrelink as well as the parenting payment they can also help with JET childcare which means you can use after school care at greatly reduced prices (unfortunately if your 12 year old is at high school it might not be available) but even if it means the younger ones have a snack , homework help, a bit of running around etc it'll give you some breathing space.
    Look at online shopping for groceries so you can save time and running around - but make sure you have a meal plan so you don't spend more than you need to.
    While you're at Centrelink ask them for welfare referrals or community help - locally we have church groups and charities which provide low cost food long term. While a lot of people baulk at taking charity I think your situation is exactly why people give (to help people who are helping themselves)
    and when you can afford to you can repay that help.
    Good luck

  • Taita on 11/05/2016 - 13:00
    +1

    Been there, done that. The one thing I learned is that time, good or bad, will pass. There are no wrong decisions as you do the best you can. We are our toughest judge especially when kids are involved. Everyone's circumstances are different but for me some things helped much more than I expected :

    _ the most helpful was counselling. Some employers pay for confidential counselling sessions as part of employees benefits (HR provides contact number and even your manager doesn't need to know). The GPs are also very helpful with arranging counselling/antidepressants. Meds may not seem like a good idea but if the doctor thinks it will help, it does. Make use of counselling helplines and consider giving the kids counselling options too like Kids Helpline.

    _ for me, having a professional career helped a lot to restore self esteem and confidence. Regardless of what was going on at home, at work I had quantifiable projects that had procedures and timelines in place. I was productive. People came to me for solutions. I knew what to do and how to do. (whereas at home at the time, I felt I didn't know what to do or how to go about doing it). (Having a decent salary also helped to pay the lawyers and barristers. There's something unsettling about hiring someone whose hourly rates are more than yours!)

    _ educating myself did wonders for me. Made me look forward to the future. Short courses, degrees, self study, anything. Some employers may pay for short courses. The time and effort invested in me at the time has paid up positively for my family.

    _ have faith. Regardless of your beliefs (christian, muslim, or a jedi knight!), have faith in yourself. Things do get better and you learn along the way that you really are much stronger than you think you are.

    Wish you the very best.

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