Hi there.
My daughter is 10 yrs old .
Recently there was a kid who pushed her.
Being the softy that she is,she did not retaliate or tell the teacher.
Recently the same kid has held her throat and squeezed it a bit.
Then the other day when it happened,she pushed the boy back and he fell on the floor.
The kid then threathened to stab/poke her.
I have decided to step in and have a meeting at the school with the teacher and principal.This kid has done this to a few other kids as well.
Any advice on what to tell the school and teachers?
I am also in the midst of training my daughter to avoid being touched and harassed etc.
Stressed out parent.
My 10 Year Old Kid Is Being Harassed/Bullied at School. Please Help with All Advice?
grabngo on 25/08/2015 - 09:27
Last edited 25/08/2015 - 09:51
Last edited 25/08/2015 - 09:51
Comments
If she's not forthcoming with the truth, it's probably because she is scared of the repercussions… "If you tell your mum, I will hurt you more".
it's probably because she is scared of the repercussions
big assumption there.
Considering the daughter has already told mum of the incident, i don't think that's the case
Not really.. The assumption is that it's happening only just now, and not since the start of the school year (or any other time for that matter).. And the kid has only just now worked up the courage to tell her parents about it.
Pushing and scruffing about is fairly normal in a playground.. But strangling and threatening to stab? That's pretty out there.
I suppose there is not enough detail in the post to draw any conclusion. But the first step is taken already - bring it to the schools attention.
But the first step is taken already - bring it to the schools attention.
agreed.
I just think back to when i was 10, and the teacher would say "it takes two to tango" when referring to people causing trouble.
Looking back at it now, hes correct in 'almost' all of the cases I can think of.
My daughter is 10 yrs old .
Recently there was a kid who pushed him .wat
Sorry.Error.Thanks for the advice
Speak with the teacher and tell her this will not be tolerated as it's affecting your daughter.
Follow this up with an email to the principle to ensure the kid is monitored in school.op , what are you going to do when it doesn't stop?
the child threatened to stab yours, this isnt something that just , slips up because you get pushed , in all honesty , this child is probably already being "monitored" and is doing this to more than just your child, schools are understaffed , and have very little power with these situations, relying on them is imo the same as praying to god for help, be pro active do some activities with your daughter that deal with her personal confidence and teach her how to deal with these issues, and make it clear that you are there to support them , worst thing that could happen is , you go to the teachers , nothing happens , things get worse and your child no longer feels u can do anything.my nephew was/is a victim of bullying , and his mother is one of those that just went to the teachers/organisation and found no results, the bulling did not stop, and due to her husbands career they frequently change schools and every school has the same issue.
Yup. Every school has a bully. Teachers can only do so much if the bully doesn't care about being suspended etc. One of my friends who's a teacher said that if there was a fight between two kids, they are not allowed to step in and pull them apart. They can only shout.
It's impossible to "fix" other people, so best way is to fix/improve yourself.
Since when are they not allowed to pull them apart? Who on earth made that ridiculous rule?
One kid I went to school with had to be wrestled out of the room and locked in the supply closet by our teacher once. (He went absolutely mental and thrown a 3-seater desk across the room at the kids sitting there - And no he was not the victim of bullying, at least not at school. Everyone was terrified of him.)
I can remember heaps of other basic schoolyard scraps the teachers broke up.
If the teachers don't have the authority to stop a fight then what happens when the kids ignore the shouting and do real damage to each other? i.e head bashed into concrete, broken bones.
Are the teachers protected from being sued because they didn't touch the kids?
As a teacher in NSW, I am told that while I have a duty of care towards students, I am only obligated to do what a "reasonable person" would do. Legally, I am told that this implication of "reasonable" means that smaller people and females in general are not expected to pull apart large boys fighting. Or vice-versa, as a male, I am not expected to pull apart girls who are fighting as I could become liable for some sort of violation claim.
On the flip side, as far as I am aware, there is NO rule that states that I cannot pull apart a fight. Just clauses that do not hold me obligated to do so, with my own personal safety in mind.
@habibby:
Okay, that's fair, you shouldn't be forced or obligated into violent confrontations, regardless of the age/size/gender of yourself or the people fighting.But what Ughhh was saying sounds like, if there is a fight and you could - or wanted to - stop it, legally the teacher would not be allowed.
That should not be okay in any respect. If you see someone being hurt and you are willing to try and help (generally or as a teacher) in spite of the potential danger to yourself, then you shouldn't have to fear legal action against you.
I really hope there are no rules/laws about that.
Wow. Does this only happen on school grounds?
Some kids not only fear the repercussions from telling parents/school, but may also fear the issue becoming big and known amongst everyone at school, they may feel even more embarrassed.does she have a friend who may know what's been happening? The friend may be more willing to talk than your daughter.
I am also in the midst of training my daughter to avoid being touched and harassed etc.
If that kid is targeting your daughter and somewhat making an effort to find her, she won't be able to run far unless she changes school. What about self defence training?
Also, is the bully a boy?
Go to the police, seriously! Schools dont care, we learnt that.
That was with my oldest so my youngest (daughter) was sent to Taekwondo :)I want to see a sudden unorganised fight between an average taekwondo/karate student vs a "bully". My bet is that after the first punch or kick is thrown both parties will retreat, making the training kind of pointless.
Sure i've seen youtube fights between adults, but generally they're in an open space, not a crowded hallway with an arm full of books. I just think the training is good for building confidence rather than being beneficial in a fight.
As for the oldest/youngest thing, if they're at the same school, the older can 'stand over' the younger's bully. Worked for me.
Taekwondo Training is not for fighting at school, yes confidence building to stop the bullying.
Bullies pick on the weak because they have problems at home or socially.
I have been thinking of getting her into Karate or Ju jitsu,Taekwondo even etc to protect herself.
The buly is a kid.
She is a soft hearted caring person and this kid is obviously taking advantage.That stuff may help with her confidence but physically trying to fight the bully won't get her very far and defending herself from 'minor' attacks often just escalates the situation. He most likely picks on your daughter because he finds it fun to get a reaction out of her. She should just ignore all his comments and/or walk way (soon he will get tired of making comments) and if he touches her physically to just walk away and let a teacher know. Encourage your daughter to tell her teacher about incidents and you should ask the teacher to make a record of any incidents.
Most likely what will happen though in this situation is that the teachers will contact his parents and he will be in trouble and won't do it again. But parents can be naive when it comes to their kids and he may lie to get out of trouble and they may possibly believe him. Don't contact his parents directly, just make contact through the teachers and let them sort out the situation appropriately.
Lots of people say that people who practice martial arts have this 'look'. Maybe a confident scary look- the way they walk, the way they stand perhaps. Bullys know how to pick people, if you got that confident look, they may back off.
No fist throwing needed.If OP has a witness of the bullying going on, OP could threaten to go to the media or to the police. No school wants to be associated with this kind of stuff.
Parents can bully their kids, hence their kids become bullies. These parents either won't care, or will make it worse. You should speak to other parents who have had this kid bully their kids. The school can't ignore all of you
I was bullied at school by this kid, a true bully. He will not give up no matter how hard I retaliate. He will keep going at it even if I ignored him. We sat side by side in class he would kick me on my calf out of boredom. When the teachers are not looking we would exchange punch on the arms. I did it out of frustration. He is always start small and I would normally grit my teeth for many minutes but it never work to the point I had to drag my table a meter apart the middle of teaching. The teachers know this and never said a word when I interrupted the class, and they did nothing at all. Luckily he loves skipping school but when he's around I always go home with red sore calf, this went on for a 7 months until I managed to switched class. I didn't tell my parents because I thought it wasn't a big deal and I have lots support from my friends.
So self defense, or ignore, will not stop the person. Walking away will, walk far far away.
My daughter is soft hearted as well, wouldn't hurt a fly and hates violence, but she loves TKD for the social aspect, exercise and confidence building.
I did Krav Maga for a bit, tried to teach this to my kids but they just aren't the kind of kids who fight (unless they are fighting each other!)
So I have resolved to (try to )teach them Resilience and in the face of unavoidable defeat to scream NO and go for the eyes . Yep it's not cool, but my kids have come home to many times with black eyes, bite marks or scratches due to some retard kid.
Play the long game.
Find out the friends of the bully. Invite them over for fun games, lots of treats. Be the cool parent. Make your daughter the popular kid, maker her views count. Steal all of his friends, make him the loner. Destroy him. Spread around rumours that he likes your daughter, and say he's just trying to get her attention. Buy a bouncy castle (fit for adults).
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LOL I LOVE THIS.
Jeeez back in my day no self-respecting boy bully would pick on a girl. I've never heard of such a thing. Is this common nowadays?
For 10yo's, I don't think it makes much difference.
I was at school in the 90's and all my bullies were boys. Maybe the occasional snarky comment from one of the girls, but the name calling and physical intimidation (shoving and smacking mostly, nothing like what OP is describing) was always from the boys.
I would put her into some sort of martial arts classes (as some others above have suggested). These classes can be very supportive and may assist her with confidence building and strategies on how to deal with the bully.
Also, I believe that the school has a duty of care to all the children that attend, therefore, they should not ignore the bully problem.
http://www.schools.nsw.edu.au/studentsupport/behaviourpgrms/…
As someone who copped a lot of shit at school I found my school to be useless with bullies. The school "told them off" but it did absolutely nothing….
They did absolutely nothing to help until I got sick of it and told the head of the middle school at the time that I was not coming back to school unless something was done and I was going to go to the police and file harassment charges.
Anyway to answer your question
Any advice on what to tell the school and teachers?
Tell them you want some proof of action taken on the bully. This means he is actually punished instead of having empty threats such as "your behaviour is not appropriate and further action will be taken if it happens again blah blah blah" trust me if they say they are giving him a warning or some BS like that don't accept it.
+1 on martial arts classes after school or on the weekend to help her stand up for her self though.
Punishing the bully (expelling him) may just make him a worse bully/somebody else's problem
Who cares, the bully certainly shouldn't be OP's daughters problem.
I guess martial arts/karate etc is the answer.
Then she can open a can of whipass !
Get to know the schools policy on bullying. If they are not following their own policy make a formal complaint in writing to the principal.
The next incident make a formal written complaint to the education department and make a complaint to the police.
Keep escalating until you're daughter is safe at school.
Keep a diary of all events and copies of all emails etc. you may need it.If they do not stop the bullying of your daughter hit the schools administration with so much red tape that they fear the sight of you…just like your child fears the sight of their bully.
If the bully's parents get involved, expect the mother to, instead of accepting responsibility, cry and claim that their child is "an innocent little angel that would never hurt a fly".
The bully's father will do the same thing but instead of crying, he will release an endless stream of profanity directed at you and/or the school. And to your 10 year old daughter, might as well eh. If the mother is similarly feral, maybe she'll join in.
They won't do that in a police station… when we had that problem the father seem quite genuinely annoyed his child was doing this (but they were "rough" people)
Please don't think that SCHOOLS don't care to do anything in order to stop bullying behaviours. Schools are generally bound by the regulations within which they need to operate. What can be done to stop a bully? What would you (in general, not specifically the OP) like to be done?
Let me assure you that schools would like to do it, too, but they are often thwarted by the education department regional officers and guidelines which make sure that students/offenders are given multiple chances within a given timeframe before a final expulsion can be enacted. For example, a student would need to accrue 20 days of suspension IN A YEAR before an expulsion can occur, and each suspension needs to be a staged response, requiring evidence of a sequence of consequences leading to the suspension, including school based actions, a parent conference, student undertaking to change their ways etc… and that is assuming that the offender and their parent agree to participate, and actually turn up to any meetings. And that's also assuming that youth workers and other advocates FOR THE OFFENDER don't manage to "talk down" and dilute any punishment that the school has tried to instigate.
It's incredibly frustrating and difficult to be in a position where the parent of the child who is bullied takes on the role of yelling, pressuring and threatening the school when it APPEARS there is nothing being done. A very good deal of time and effort (and a bloody mountain of paperwork!) is put into dealing with bullies at all schools and at all levels. But it doesn't look good on education authority records to have high levels of expulsion or formal consequences, so there is also very little that appears to be done.
And in the meantime, resilience and confidence are crucial in the what to do about bullying equation.
I'm not advising that OP should yell or threaten or be aggressive in any way to school staff. This is the sort of unacceptable behaviour they are trying to put a stop to.
But I think most people are sick of the perpetrators rights outweighing the victims.
Some further notes for OP
1) Do not let the school set the timeframe for action - be proactive and tell them what you expect and in what timeframe.2) The bully can not be charged with any offence unless they are more than 10 years old.
3) Because your child is under 16 they cannot apply for an APVO a police officer must do it. If you make a police report ask them to apply for one as there has been violence and threats of more violence.
There are 2 options.
- If you know the bully's parents, have a chat with them. They might not be aware of their son's behaviour or they are just bad parents. Just be prepared that they might be aggressive towards you or/and deny their son is a bully.
OR - You can approach the class teacher and arrange a meeting with the principal. Tell them your concerns and they will verify with your daughter before approaching the bully and his parents.
The above usually takes care of bullying. If it fails you can take step 3. Call the Police.
- If you know the bully's parents, have a chat with them. They might not be aware of their son's behaviour or they are just bad parents. Just be prepared that they might be aggressive towards you or/and deny their son is a bully.
Make your kid the popular one has an enormous amount of benefits. Happened to my kids at about the same age. Built my daughter a 15m skipping rope (that was the in thing). The rope would enable almost the entire year to jump on it. Unfortunately 1 or 2 just didn't fit! Almost always the bully and their latest alibi.
Within a week the bullying was forgotten completely by her.
It didn't hurt that the rope being that long meant a teacher was almost always helping them skip it, very close supervision for my daughter.
Keep a logbook of all incidents and have your child sign (mark) it. The best thing that you can do in situations like this is to make a paper trail. Feeding into the popularity thing and doing things that are unnatural cause more drama and convolution. Working on the childs self esteem is important, but it doesn't have to be a martial art if the child wouldn't be interested. Working on her sense of self and helping her to transcend the situation is important. Unless the child is actually hurt (which warrants immediate contact with the school) the best thing to do is to ensure that she remains self assured that this won't go on forever and work on her confidence. This is a trial like anything else hard in life and if she can remain centred and learn from it it can become a tool for dealing with bullies in the future (don't even pretend they're not encounted in adult years!!)
So your saying there is a difference between physically hurt and mentally hurt?
But yes putting up with bullies can be looked at as future training in a way, world isnt a walk in the park… you could get mugged in that park.
I am saying that yes, there is a huge difference between mental and physical abuse. Both are equally damaging, I completely agree (this seems to be where you took issue) however is is very often the physical abuse that will have immediate proof (bruises, scratches etc) and is more likely to have instant ramifications for the bully. I really think that there is so much that we can do to strengthen our childrens resilience at home so that events like this are seen in perspective and don't become the child's whole world. If you think about it, kids spend a lot more time at home than they do at school of a week, and us as parents need to support the child by letting them know that this type of behaviour isn't appropriate, help them to build a case and build on their self esteem so that they can appropriately deal with bullies like this in the future (and there will be - probably not physical but psychological? You can bet your ass).
While I agree to talk to the school, generally, they wont do much, and if the teachers say anything, it quite often gets worse for the bullied kids.
Perhaps consider teaching your little one self defence may be a long term choice you could consider.
I try to remind my kids (who have also been victims of some bullying at school) that once out of school they will never see these people again, so try not to take what they are like to heart.
I know its easy to say, but it is the truth
Spot on. It's so hard to give them a perspective that 'this will end'. Kids see school as their world and it is up to us to help them put these bullies into perspective and ensure that they don't impact negatively on their self esteem.
Well.Went to the meeting with the little girl and the teacher and head of department for junior school.They asked me what the concern was.They had a clue as to what is happening.
SO they opened a file.
Then the documented all the incidents.
But before anything else,they wanted to hear the others kids side of the story.
he denied the lot.
But other parents and kids have come forth as well.
and there was a teacher who has noticed some bad behaviour as well.
Now it is a waiting game.
I was so proud of my daughter when she told all the stories to the teachers.
I agree with other posters. Find a good martial arts class and have her attend. As long as she enjoys it.
it's not so she can fight, it's to build confidence. As a bonus it will help with fitness, and if you choose right… discipline
yes like I said before its not about fighting its about the social, confidence building and understanding authority, lets not forget its great exercise :p
Having a teaching background, today bullying is not tolerated however what they do about it varies between schools. Make sure your child talks to you about anything and everything. Any issues with this person, tell your child to tell you because it is likely the other child may try to blame yours.
Have meetings and ask for this child who is causing her problems to be told to steer clear of her. Don't let it rest if it keeps happening. Go to the teacher or principal every day if you have to. They then will take note because you will get on their nerves pretty much but if you don't do something your child may end up hating school and not wanting to go.
I hate any bullying in children or adults. Bullying doesn't end at school. It is in the real world too. Bullying is never ok and putting your hands on someone else or threatening them is completely wrong. Kids should want to go to school and have a right to be protected and feel safe there. It is not ok and don't let them fob you off. The first meeting and how they handle it will let you know if they are taking it serious or not. Approaching their parents is pointless if it is the parents teaching this behaviour because yes some do. Good luck.
tell them your concerns, calmly. Keep in mind kids are not always forthcoming with the truth, so you daughter may have instigated (or antagonised) the situation.
Talk to their parents too, and encourage them to speak to the principal.