I have a $50 voucher from teh mens shop for nakedwines.com.au
I dont drink alcohol so im not going to use it
Best joke gets the card (code and password to claim the $50)
EDIT Congrats to califrag, ill pm you the code
Thanks for playing guys, when i have another spare voucher ill do this again
edit:
Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would."
"If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to."
"What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?"
"I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"
A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."
The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."
A skeleton walks into a bar. He asks for a beer and a mop.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
Three pieces of string walk into a bar and ask for a drink
The bartender turns around and says:"Get out of here. I want nothing to do with you pieces of string. You are nothing but trouble."
So they walk outside and stand around for a while when one of the pieces of string has a bright idea. He starts tying himself up and messing up the ends. He walks back inside and asks for three drinks. The bartender prepares the drinks and just as he is about to give him the drinks he asks suspiciously:"Hey, you're not a piece of string are you?"
The piece of string replies: "I'm a frayed knot"
thats a dad joke
One night, this guy walks in to a bar and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender gives him an apple, the guy says he wanted a rum and coke, but the bartender insists, "just try it".
So he takes a bite, "wow it tastes like rum!"
"Turn it around" the bartender replies. He turns it around, takes another bite and says "it tastes like coke! That's amazing!"
Another guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender gives him a different apple. This guy gives the bartender a look but the 1st guy says man, just bite it.
First bite, tastes like gin. Bartender tells him to turn it around and take a bite from the other side, and voila, tastes like tonic.
A last guy walks in and the two guys say "this bartender has an apple with every flavor, just ask him for it.!" The last man responds "do you have one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender hands him an apple and he takes a bite "AH! THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!"
The bartender says "turn it around."
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
This post is the biggest joke of all…
you can get it here for free..
http://www.cellarmasters.com.au/vouchers/vouch50.aspx
Edit:
Sorry for Naked Wine
http://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/88194
went to cellarmasters site and the offer expired in July 2012. doh !
"Knock knock."
Who's there?
"To"
To who?
"To whom."
Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer, the lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"
Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"
JV: Hey look, a bargain.
Working in a mirror factory is a job I could really see myself doing.
This right here.
Mr Harvey
Now that would read better as
"What is the difference between Mr Harvey and God?"
"God doesn't think he is Mr Harvey!"
Ok, so who won?
ill announce a winner tomorrow midday
great jokes guys !!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from Indonesia, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Thailand.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Q: In China, What are a woman's genitals known as?
A: Vachina.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
awesome 1 liner
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes, and then?" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
hi mate, congrats, actuvate your pm from settings so i can send you the voucher codes
Thanks! I'm surprised that joke won but hey it's ozbargain :)
It's active now..
Here's the second one I was going to post - i thought i'd share:
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments,
and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one
big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d…," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
hehe
I have seen that offer from my workmate.Min $120 spent to use the code.Correct me if I am wrong.
Did you hear about the charismatic policeman who really liked his job?
He was interesting (in-to-arresting), get it…
What's green and looks like a bucket?
A green bucket…. :-0
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's red and looks like a bucket?
The green bucket in disguise!
Ask me if I'm a tomato.
Are you a tomato?
No.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
I think you will find this is the funniest joke in the world.
officially, yes.
Two Aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one day, when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.
One of them thinks 'this is great' and heads straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver winds his window down and says 'Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate!'
The copper looks at him and says 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me.'
The driver got out of the car and said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in dat. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in dat.'
The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says 'OK In that cases we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from da Red Cross saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry boss, can't do dat,' said the driver. By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine sample for testing. The driver looks at him and says 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.' The copper says 'Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath mate.' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin Rudd he has been saying sorry and he says that you whites can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more.'
"Mum, may i take the dog for a walk around the block"? a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat" replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said "Oh just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked mum but she said that Fifi was in heat and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Ok, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO dog on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
Jokes aside, note that to use the $50 voucher, you need to spend a minimum of $99. And you can only buy in case quantities (multiples of 6). Also, to get the 'Angel' price, you'll need to subscribe to the program at $40/mth.
The restrictive nature of the 'free' $50 voucher is the biggest joke IMHO. :-)
minimum spend is $84.99 (case of wine)
Drivers to be very cautious at places where children come from.
Thanks guys for playing
WInner is califrag
More vouchers coming soon :)
Do you know why women normally outlive men?
…….
Because women don't have a wife.
A great thread for some excellent jokes!
Q. How do you make a dog drink
A. Stick it in a blender