Contributing to Christmas Dinners, Bring Cash or a Dish?

Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 12:59

So we are hosting Christmas at our house again this year for our own family plus both sets of parents and a few friends.

Generally we ask each party to bring something to contribute to the meal and for the last two years my own parents were designated to bringing some prawns…

but last year my parents said "Can we just give you some money and you get the prawns?" … "Ummm… sure.", so that's what we did.

This year mum asked me the same question and I ended up saying to her that it's actually about lightening the load on us so would prefer if she could just go and buy some and bring them on Christmas day. I think she was slightly taken aback although I said it in the politest way I could.

My parents are elderly but still able to get out to the local shops. They have also started to do the same thing when it comes to buying presents for the kids "Can I give you some money and you buy something nice for child X?", this is perhaps a little more understandable as they have a hard time knowing what to buy kids these days.

So what do you guys do in similar situations?

Food & Grocery

Comments

  • beyonddd on 11/12/2023 - 13:08
    +7

    I'd imagine they just want to be looked after but don't feel comfortable with someone else fronting the bill, so they hand over money in exchange for you essentially just running an errand for them.

  • Jimothy Wongingtons on 11/12/2023 - 13:09
    +4

    They have also started to do the same thing when it comes to buying presents for the kids "Can I give you some money and you buy something nice for child X?", this is perhaps a little more understandable as they have a hard time knowing what to buy kids these days.

    Yeah this is fair. Toddlers its like anything will do. From maybe age 5, like if I wasnt a parent of two toddlers I would have nfi. I walked into a new toy shop that just opened in Brisbane the other day and probably at least 60% of it is from franchises I've never heard of.

    Also as I get older I understand more about that 1 weird uncle I had that never came to any family events and understand why my dad cut all ties with his extended family. Why is getting along with people (especially your own) so hard lol

    • MS Paint on 11/12/2023 - 13:18
      +7

      Growing up my uncle always brought his male "friend" to family events. They even had matching apricot poodles. Embarrassingly I was nearly 19 before the penny dropped

      • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 13:19
        +3

        This is all starting to sound like an episode of "A very Moody Christmas".

      • Jimothy Wongingtons on 11/12/2023 - 13:40
        +5

        Marge: "Don't you think he is a little….festive ?"

        • Jimothy Wongingtons on 11/12/2023 - 13:41
          +8

          Alternatively:

          Marge: Homer, he prefers the company of men

          Homer: Who doesn’t?!

      • HeWhoKnows on 12/12/2023 - 09:12
        -2

        So your uncle never made a "Contribution" ???

  • o53djz7qTPY4der on 11/12/2023 - 13:09
    +3

    Don't host Christmas.

  • jv on 11/12/2023 - 13:10

    Contributing to Christmas dinners, bring cash or a dish?

    Just bring a plate…

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 13:16
      +4

      Funny you should say that, my parents are English and when they first arrived in Australia half a century ago my elder sister went to her first Aussie party and the invite said bring a plate, and that's exactly what she did.

      • CheapskateQueen on 11/12/2023 - 22:10

        lol mum tells a similar story

        • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 11:15

          That you sis?? ;)

  • MS Paint on 11/12/2023 - 13:10
    +11

    Getting fresh prawns just before Christmas can be a nightmare with crowds and supply issues.

    Just buy it for them and take the cash. They are old and don't want to be standing around or driving around looking for friggin seafood.

    • jv on 11/12/2023 - 13:13
      +1

      Get frozen ones.

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 13:13

      Yeah that's possibly it but I don't think it would really matter if it were prawns or something else. Its a small town and fish shop or supermarket is close by.

      • MS Paint on 11/12/2023 - 13:15
        +2

        Tell them just to bring the gravy then. Hang on. Wait! What?

        • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 13:17

          Ha. :)

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:24

      In hindsight, perhaps the prawn availability is causing them some anxiety.

    • Jimothy Wongingtons on 11/12/2023 - 14:28

      i am convinced my local seafood supplier lives basically 90% of sales from Easter and Christmas.

      during the year: mostly not many customers even during peak hour, other than maybe the tradies stopping in for take away fish n chip

      during easter/xmas: literally a line that goes from the seafood supplier, through the whole single story shopping centre and out the carpark.

  • JimmyF on 11/12/2023 - 13:18
    +4

    Generally we ask each party to bring something to contribute to the meal

    Agreed, this is generally the going thing to do/ask of people attending.

    This year mum asked me the same question and I ended up saying to her that it's actually about lightening the load on us so would prefer if she could just go and buy some and bring them on Christmas day. I think she was slightly taken aback although I said it in the politest way I could.

    I think its fair to give your parents a pass if they are older. They might not know what prawns you want or struggle to get them with the busy crowds. Lots of older people don't go near the shops in the crazy season.

    So while its about lighting the load to you, I think its fair to give them a free pass or assign them something else that is a bit easier for them to do.

    My parents are elderly but still able to get out to the local shops. They have also started to do the same thing when it comes to buying presents for the kids "Can I give you some money and you buy something nice for child X?", this is perhaps a little more understandable as they have a hard time knowing what to buy kids these days.

    Also fair, they don't know what the kids want/need/like. So asking for your help. Either give them a direct idea or take the cash and go shopping for them.

    There is a reason 'oldies' having been giving cash to kids as birthday presents for decades.

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:27

      Yeah perhaps prawns wasn't the best idea to ask them to contribute due to availability, I had thought it would be an easy one due to them just needing to buy a bag and bring it along, but perhaps not.

  • Dollar General on 11/12/2023 - 13:46
    +7

    FFS. It’s your parents and you feel inconvenienced by helping them out.

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:11
      +1

      It's a little more nuanced than that, it's about each group of guests sharing the load and I feel it wont look too good from the other guest's perspective if my parent's contribution is simply monetary. I had thought that prawns would be pretty straightforward as it just means buying some rather than having to make a dish, but in hindsight perhaps that is causing them some anxiety as to availability etc.

      • SlickMick on 12/12/2023 - 11:57
        +2

        Yeah, except the parents should be the honoured guests and not expected to bring anything - it's your opportunity to show your appreciation for the lifetime of support that you could never repay.

        If you think your friends would have an issue with your parents not contributing, perhaps make it just a dinner for family and the better friends.

        • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 18:58

          I understand there's a bunch of different opinions based on various cultures and traditions and that could well be how your family events work but our larger events work differently. If its just having a smaller dinner with parents then sure, just bring yourselves. Christmas can be a pretty stressful time managing all the tasks and worrying about whether party A gets on ok with party B etc, it's also important that whoever is hosting gets to enjoy the event as well.

          • SlickMick on 13/12/2023 - 10:43

            @Gravy: Organising large dinners does tend to be stressful. We usually spread the burden around rather than have one family bear the burden every year.
            But I'd rather take my turn at the stressful and expensive Christmas and let everyone else just enjoy it.

            Trying to spread the burden to all guests just spoils Christmas for everyone if people are going to measure contributions.
            I'd just allow any contributions but expect none.

            I'm losing my Christmas joy just reading this thread.

      • iCandy on 12/12/2023 - 14:16
        +1

        I think they did their fair share when you were young.

    • ColtNoir on 12/12/2023 - 11:41
      -1

      They’re putting on Christmas for the family. In my experience parents can be effing entitled.

  • cupcake on 11/12/2023 - 13:51
    +2

    So you want the elderly parents to go out in the heat and crowds the day before to get you fresh king prawns?
    I would just accept the cash.

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:17
      -1

      It's not about getting "me" anything, I can do without prawns. At least one of my parents goes out every day and passes within 100m of a fish shop.

      • Jimothy Wongingtons on 11/12/2023 - 14:30
        +2

        Everyday

        Usually the fish shops are not busy/ at most like 2-3 people buying just normal amount of seafood though to be fair.

  • Rako on 11/12/2023 - 13:54

    The Griswold's family Christmas!

  • isthatallyougot on 11/12/2023 - 14:07
    +2

    Wow , I could never ask my parents to bring anything.

    Jeezus , surely getting to spend time with them is good enough ?

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:13
      -2

      That's great, our Christmas involves sharing of meals.

      • isthatallyougot on 11/12/2023 - 14:15
        +4

        I get that . But its your elderly parents . How hard is it for you just to say , don't worry about anything. We are glad just to spend time with you.

        • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:23
          -2

          I could very easily say that, but I wanted it to be more than contributing just money when all other parties are contributing the effort to make dishes (most other guests are similar age). Does that make sense?

          Interfamily relationships are an interesting thing… especially at Christmas.

  • mskeggs on 11/12/2023 - 14:26
    +2

    I'm with OP here. If they're hosting, asking to share the work is very typical Australian thing.
    I'd probably go with, "is there something else you can do Dad. It's not the money. We're going to be flat out so won't have much time for extra errands. Can you make a pavlova or a pudding instead maybe?"

    If an elderly relative is in a nursing home or similar, obviously not, but some people on here class 50 as elderly!

    • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:33
      +2

      Farrrrk… seems I've reached the elderly status. ;)

      Parent's are still quite able bodied, Dad more so. I probably should have given mum another option but thought prawns would be a breeze, I didn't consider availability issues though so that may have caused some anxiety.

      • mskeggs on 11/12/2023 - 14:43

        In our similar aged group, mum makes a pudding, and it is a weeks long production.
        But it gives her a tangible contribution and if she didn't make it, we'd buy one, so it is a nice link with tradition.

        • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 14:59
          +1

          Yeah, my mum used to do the same up until a few years ago, she has handed over the reins and recipe to my wife (she made one yesterday).

          It's certainly an eye opener seeing your own parents age and realising they are not as capable as they once were, but I think it's important not to give them too much rope when it comes to caring for them as that can age them even faster.

          • mskeggs on 11/12/2023 - 15:06
            +2

            @Gravy: Maybe leave a few brochures for the local Anglicare village around, and if asked say you were worried they couldn't manage on their own anymore when they couldn't buy prawns?
            But I am a stirrer.

            • mskeggs on 11/12/2023 - 15:07

              @mskeggs: Bet they'd buy the prawns without another comment tho.

            • Gravy on 11/12/2023 - 15:10

              @mskeggs: Bahaha. That's gold.

  • Nugs on 11/12/2023 - 14:36
    +2

    My mum brings around a dozen 1 litre soft drinks and a bag of ice, we do the rest (max ten people)
    .

  • CheapskateQueen on 11/12/2023 - 22:17
    +2

    i understand that you thought "prawns" were the easy option..no prep, just buy. unfortunately, you can't really buy them on 23 December, so perhaps, as maybe you've realised, the line up is too hard?

    perhaps they can even supply drinks instead? now that's something they can buy well in advance but also effortless

    re kids presents, i ask for instructions from all parents as to what to get their kids. last thing they need is a useless present junk, duplicate, etc so again, perhaps the compromise is that you give them a few options to eliminate the stress of buying the right/wrong thing

  • Yola on 12/12/2023 - 04:21
    +1

    Maybe they do not want to go out and queue in the crowds and be exposed to Covid. Ask them what they like to contribute or let them give money if they have ample. Otherwise, remember they gave you life!

    • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 08:26

      It could be that, although it’s not a busy town.

  • kallico on 12/12/2023 - 07:35
    +3

    Stop being such a grinch. You are doing the shopping anyway whats a few more prawns. Christmas is for giving. Think of all the christmasas they prepared for you. Enjoy their company whilst you can and ponder Christmas without them one day!

    • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 08:25

      It’s about more than that though, it’s about giving my parents the opportunity to be seen as contributing some effort rather than just money as other sets of parents and elderly friends will be putting in effort to prepare dishes etc. it’s a group effort thing.

  • tabitha731 on 12/12/2023 - 07:42
    +1

    I used to do the same thing as your parents….. my contribution was to give cash towards Christmas lunch, but now i only have 1 parent, who is currently not as mobile as normal, i see the point of buying the prawns in abundance myself, a few days before xmas, around my work schedule. But in your case, i understand you wanting to lighten the load, but if u have the time and opportunity to shop off-peak, then just take the cash and buy on behalf of your parents

  • Grunntt on 12/12/2023 - 09:48

    My parents are elderly but still able to get out to the local shops.

    Farrrrk… seems I've reached the elderly status. ;)

    This brings up a worrying thought for me - what age is deemed 'elderly' nowadays?
    Is it just age or ability/independence?

    I'm pretty sure I fall into the elderly classification but my mind is taking it's time catching up with my body's decay (luckily I guess).

    • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 11:11

      I think it's a bit of both, some people seem elderly way before others of the same age.

    • SlickMick on 12/12/2023 - 12:11

      It's very subjective. I was made redundant just as I turned 50, and couldn't get a job for several years. I was really feeling like my life was over for a while there.
      (I'd also been deceived into thinking a 30 minute walk each day would keep me fit.)

      I'm now working again, planning a career change, and doing 5km runs. I'm close to retirement age but don't intend feeling old again any time soon.

  • macca9123 on 12/12/2023 - 09:52

    I can sympathise. What starts off as a simple request can degenerate in a multitude of ways. In my case my in-laws asked the same question - can we contribute $100 and you just organise the prawns. Sure, no problem. Then on xmas day, hosting both my in-laws and my parents, my mum walks in and proudly announces how she found a pavlova shell on special for $5 and only needed to buy some cream and a few berries. Mother-in-law was not happy at the unequal contribution. Meanwhile father-in-law complained that the prawns weren't peeled for him.

    You can't win. Needless to say we don't host both parents and in-laws at the same time anymore.

    • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 11:13

      Ha… yep the joys of interfamily Christmas "celebrations".

    • SlickMick on 12/12/2023 - 12:25

      In my "culture" we mainly keep families separate. That makes far more sense to me. You come out of your family to marry your spouse who comes out of theirs, then you spend a lifetime dealing with all the crazy your spouse learned from their family.
      You learn enough to tolerate the in-laws, but usually only in small doses like a Christmas dinner.

      To bring 2 groups of crazies together is just madness.
      The only time in-law families should get together is funerals - because then you're supposed to be sad anyway.

      (I know other cultures are different, and families grow exponentially as in-laws are integrated. That does not seem to be the Australian way.)

      • Gravy on 12/12/2023 - 19:04

        How do you keep families apart though when one set of parents may not have other family to go to during a festive occasion such as Christmas or whatever you celebrate? Do you just let them do their own thing by themselves?

        • SlickMick on 13/12/2023 - 10:50

          We're not in a situation where we we have family with no other family or friends. If we were, we'd probably just "adopt" them and bring them to our festivities (so yeah, they'd need to get used to the in-laws).

          What we do is visit one side for lunch, the other for dinner. Sometimes someone hosts interstate, so it might be Christmas with one, then come back for New Years with the other side.

  • AS2035 on 12/12/2023 - 22:47

    Bring a plate.

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