What Is Wrong with Me?

John Kimble on 09/06/2022 - 03:31
Last edited 09/06/2022 - 03:55

TL;DR Over the last 10 years or so I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate effectively face to face with anyone (even my wife), whether it's for work or social reasons. OZb comments, emails, texts, even phone/video calls seem mostly fine. Anyone experience the same?

I'm in my late 30's, and I've found my verbal and social skills in person, has significantly deteriorated to the point it's probably affecting my career and social relationships.

I actively avoid f2f conversations where possible, because when I'm put in that situation, anything I do or say feels awkward and forced. So this means not attending friend's events, work events etc

The last work event I was volunteered to go to pre covid, we were meant to network and mingle, I just stood in the corner and watched everyone whilst drinking my beer. I suspect I would do something similar if I ever went to an OZb meet up.

Another example for work, was I was recently asked to help man a stall at an Expo interstate, a few days away from the ankle biters sounded great, but I declined, saying I'm a terrible networker/salesperson, would probably to more harm than good, and I was afraid of covid (covid thing conveniently true, wife is giving birth to our 3rd soon).

At school pick up/drop off I don't actively engage any other parents, I see all the other parents chatting away having a great time, but I don't bother. Obviously I will respond when someone talks to me, but it just unintentionally comes out weird and probably not what they expect me to say.

Things I notice happen:

  • I want to say so much in one breath that it all comes out jumbled, verbal diarrhoea almost, I usually mumble or completely lose my train of thought, or forget key "sophisticated" words.

  • I am not quick enough to have a decent debate or argument, just seems like my brain is asleep and I cannot put together a coherent sentence in a reasonable time frame…the moment is lost, almost like George Costanza and his delayed comebacks šŸ˜‚

  • Sometimes I find I have to remind myself to actively listen, make eye contact with the other person otherwise I'll be looking all around, even when I'm actively speaking etc

Most of these things are not required in email or phone, so the issue is far less apparent. I can take my time and think of all the big fancy words I want, in person, I just seem to lose it.

Do I have a physical or psychological issue maybe? Early onset dementia? Or have I just lost practice?

My wife worries that if she dies before me, I'll turn into a full blown hermit and lose touch will all my friends (most of which are high school friends, I've not really made any new friends since)…she actively pushes me to meet up with them, but I almost always find an excuse not to go.

I guess I can go speak to a GP, but I seem mostly fine at the GP in the past šŸ˜‚

Thanks for your time, I'm sure some of you will have a field day, or this post will just fade away with not much notice.

Regards,
DJK

Health & Beauty

Comments

  • caitsith01 on 11/06/2022 - 17:40

    Sounds like undiagnosed long-term depression to me…

  • [Deactivated] on 11/06/2022 - 18:53
    +3

    This is pretty common, especially if you haven't been in social situations for a while, not to mention got into the habit of actively avoiding them. Social skills/communication, like most skills, get worse at it the less you use it.

    The most common suggestion(*provided this isn't a more serious undiagnosed medical issue) is to keep putting yourself in social or other situations where you have to communicate, even if it's awkward or uncomfortable, and it eventually gets easier. Even just family gatherings would be a good start. That is also considering if this is something you actually value improving. Some people are perfectly content living like hermits and go by life mostly fine with a small circle of friends/family.

    This basically happened to me after graduating from university and I moved into a junior role elsewhere requiring minimal interaction with others, and moving away to a different state away from my social circles. Eventually got into the habit of avoiding social/work activities because I'd just stay silent and things would get awkward.

    Eventually I moved into a senior position and found myself HAVING to communicate with managers, clients and training other employees. The first few client meetings & presentations I was roped into were a dumpster fire with several similarities in your 'Things I notice happen:' section. Things got easier pretty quickly and the awkwardness went away. I did notice non-work social situations took a bit longer for me to get a bit more relaxed and I initially continued to avoid them because of this.

    I did also find some of these issues come back to an extent after lockdowns ended, but they went away after a few months. Part of it was restricting most of my communications purely in text for 2 years, then suddenly moving back to the whole face to face situation where I no longer had the luxury of editing myself multiple times, which somewhat impaired my communication.

  • BlueberryOrangeJuice on 11/06/2022 - 23:37
    +2

    Iā€™d start by asking one question - Do you like yourself?

    Because if the answer isnā€™t f**k yeah, then it seems like focusing on improving yourself is the first step towards becoming the best version you can be. Good luck šŸ‘

  • Oz em on 12/06/2022 - 01:31

    I also think it sounds like you are on the asd spectrum.

    If itā€™s not that, maybe you are depressed. You stopped exercising, no vitamin d.
    If you enjoyed socialising before you may just be lacking in vitamins (b12, iron, d) and too tired to think straight. Once you failed socially a couple of times youā€™ve developed social anxiety.

  • John Kimble on 12/06/2022 - 08:13
    +8

    Just wanted to thank everyone for their comments so far. It's been really interesting hearing people's theories behind the observations I've made of myself. Definitely food for thought.

    What's even more pleasing is that it seems other's have benefited from the discussion and comments also.

    When I made this post I was on day four of of being home alone sick, with two sick kids. Wife went to the hospital alone because she was so sick and worried about baby 3. To say I was physically and mentally drained is probably an understatement.

    I have a new found respect for single parents, don't know how they do it.

    We are all still sick with the flu, and wife and I are still exhausted…it's been crazy!

    I don't want to add more controversy or change the topic, but please go get your flu shots if you've not already…it has been a week of hell and it's still not over for us…don't make the same mistake as us. šŸ˜­

  • GourmetFoodie on 12/06/2022 - 08:38
    +2

    There is nothing wrong with you.

    Unless you are a natural extrovert, socialising in person takes a lot of effort! Like any skill (or muscle!), the less you practice/work it, the weaker you become.

    Itā€™s completely normal to have awkward moments, for things to come out wrong, to not know what to say, to get confusing body language or simply feel nervous about putting yourself out there.

    You canā€™t plan or have the time to think through your engagement like you would in writing. Your brain has to work faster. So again, if you havenā€™t been practicing, your brain will find it harder.

    The only solution is to practice. Covid isolation certainly didnā€™t help any of us. But just be honest with people. ā€œOoops sorry Iā€™m still learning to socialise again after covid!ā€. People are pretty forgiving.

  • monty168 on 12/06/2022 - 09:41
    +1

    OP - I do see this happening, thereā€™s more digital communication vs f2f, so thatā€™s what weā€™ve been training, as a result itā€™s become better and made f2f comparatively worse.

    Just need to do more f2f and itā€™ll rebalance

  • nobro25 on 12/06/2022 - 10:18
    -1

    Made you have long COVID symptoms . Guess you probably got an extremely rare side effect. Reduced your cognitive function especially the temporal lobe speech area.

    Your thought neural pathway is jumbled with the speech area which controls your vocal. This will on turn affect the overall speech.

    Sometimes you'll be thinking of something way ahead of your current speech and will jumble up your speech as a whole.

  • [Deactivated] on 12/06/2022 - 10:38

    Just be careful because theres a lot of lazy psychiatrists out there these days. Sooner or later anyone who eats all three flavours of Neopolitan ice cream is going to be labeled 'on the spectrum'.

    • thanatos350 on 12/06/2022 - 19:50

      It's interesting, because the literature is split on the issue of over diagnosis.

      I have noticed a lot of people identifying as autistic on social media, though they appear quite functional. I work with children with autism and it seems strange to me that they use the same label despite profoundly different presentations, with substantially more severe challenges.

      • digitalbath on 13/06/2022 - 15:48
        +1

        Thatā€™s why itā€™s a spectrum.
        But also people these days need to identify with something. So they go looking for a diagnosis for their idiosyncrasies.
        Mental Health is the new crazeā€¦. Everyone one wants a diagnosis.

  • KLoNe on 12/06/2022 - 11:51
    +1

    What you don't use, you lose.

    People who email, and text lose the ability to communicate with other humans.

    The people who win at life are the ones who optimise their abilities to communicate with other humans and are charismatic while doing it - this is regardless of being introverted or extroverted.

    If you don't communicate with other humans or hate being social (humans are a social species), you WILL be less behind.

  • sintro on 12/06/2022 - 14:12
    +1

    As hard as it may seem, try and consider the following:

    1) Find someone with the same interest to chat to instead of worrying about not being able to make small talk or meaningless conversation. If you got kids then chat to your kids, teach then about how things work. Maybe look into conscious parenting.

    2) Get enough rest, sleep earlier. Break some bad habits. Lack of sleep since having children could be a factor.

    3) Be aware of what you put into your body. Including injections, food, drinks, supplements, over the counter medications.
    They can all contribute to negative effects to your body.

    4) Do some blood tests to see if there is an identifiable cause to some level of brain fog. Learn about and find the right therapy or detoxify the body as necessary.

    5) Find and learn the true purpose of life. Help end harm, slavery and suffering. Start by working out what's causing you harm and suffer.

    A bit of will power, courage and persistence always helps to overcome these issues.

  • Seepy on 12/06/2022 - 14:39
    +1

    Sounds to me like a case of brain fog for me. You sort of just go through the motions and your mouth is just on autopilot. I went through this myself and I have recovered out of it pretty well!

    There are a few ways to address this. Firstly, double check your hormonal levels and nutrient levels with your GP to ensure they are within normal ranges. Low testosterone and Vitamin D are known to cause this.

    Start doing more exercise. Start really slow to build up your confidence and progress to more advanced exercises. I hate the gym so I do a balance of running and basic calisthenics. It's done wonders to my mental health!

  • alz on 12/06/2022 - 15:21
    +1

    I think as you get older you cbf for people and their stories. It's normal so I wouldn't stress about it

  • MrBillions on 12/06/2022 - 22:16

    many people have assburgers and don't know and it's not a big deal

  • baskinghobo on 12/06/2022 - 23:06

    Serious question but do you fap a lot? Because I used to have an issue where I would blink a lot when talking to people but I rarely do it now. I used to take SSRIs for it but I didn't like the way they made me feel so I tried nofap and that was basically my cure. Making sure I got good sleep also helped. The strange thing was even though my nerves would trigger it i never really had any social anxiety, it would just happen like when you become aware of your breathing kinda thing.

    • John Kimble on 13/06/2022 - 08:05

      Maybe? šŸ¤” What's a lot? šŸ¤·šŸ»ā€ā™‚ļøšŸ˜‚

      • baskinghobo on 13/06/2022 - 08:19

        Sorry I meant to say do you watch a lot of porn? In my experience fapping is still ok but porn would turn me into Blinky bill. Don't quote me on this but apparently there is quite a bit of research coming out showing how destructive porn can be to one's mind. I'm not sure what a lot is but I would only need to do nofap for 1-2 weeks to see it's benefits.

        • sintro on 13/06/2022 - 12:00

          Yes, fapping can be a bad habit and an addiction that results in the issues described. Losing the fluids too often is like wasting the life force and energy that can create life and will require more from you to create more. As the Taoist Mantak Chia have recommended something along the lines of: Your age divide by 2 should be the number of days between release for your body to be well maintained.

          Study and practice Karezza with your wife, this can be beneficial as well.

          • baskinghobo on 13/06/2022 - 13:17
            +2

            @sintro: I'm sure there are benefits to not fapping constantly but I doubt it's as harmful as the nofap crowd make it out to be. Because if fapping was harmful to ones health wouldn't sex be as well? Also anecdotally speaking not fapping would help with my blinking issues but I think not watching porn helped the most.

  • Djfhsd1 on 13/06/2022 - 01:39

    Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it, except practice, practice and practice. It's uncomfortable and it's difficult, but if you really want to get better (assuming you do) then you just have to make yourself do it and put yourself in those situations more often and learn again. It will come, but like anything meaningful in life, its a long process that takes time and effort. :(

  • beedee101 on 13/06/2022 - 05:08
    +1

    Have you or do you:

    • added new or expanded your hobbies?
    • added new friends over the last 10 years?
    • rather watch re-runs of tv shows than streaming channels?

    Advice: Update and refresh yourself.

    Yes, you've noticed the world has passed by, changed, memes replacing journalism, and the list goes on.. but you're happy to be comfortable where you are.. so you become awkward and out of place when you're having to be in the present, and like you said, out of practice.

    You're out of step, out of practice to socialise. And that you're aware of it but want to put a term/name/condition to explain it..

    Answer: take life coaching lessons; get a new hobby; small changes like a slightly different hair cut; do something so that people may or may not notice changes in you; instead of being happy to blend in and get by. Maybe or maybe not you've let yourself slide, I don't know..

    You've already convinced yourself, acknowledged you're not good at something - well, do something about it, make a change and find out how you can improve on these social skills deficiencies. You can go to a psych/counsellor to have them acknowledge your problem, but they will tell you to come back next week and talk about it some more, or you can pay for a social skills class with no health fund rebates but pick up tips and meet new people, practice networking before your next expo stall roster.

    You've blown away advice from the person closest to you, your wife, maybe you shoudn't;

    If you don't believe you can improve or change, then you won't. Do something is what you need, and find your answers along the way.. Good Luck.

  • Dejaar on 13/06/2022 - 09:17

    If this is new behaviour then you sound like you are suffering from anxiety. Why are you avoiding these situations? Are you worried about how you will appear to the other person. Maybe have a chat with a doctor or psychologist who can give you tactics to deal with this - the more you avoid the easier it will be to avoid and the more detrimental it will be to you fixing this issue. You may need to make yourself feel uncomfortable a few times to see that these interactions are not as bad as you envisage. Has this all sprung up since covid - were you working from home and not socialising much due to covid. You may have become comfortable in that new way of living - if you feel u do want to connect again now you need to push yourself. Maybe confide in your wife who can push you too and support you in social situations.
    Good Luck.

  • pufffdragon on 13/06/2022 - 11:18
    +2

    The parents all standing around gossiping and giggling at school aren't having a great time. It's all for show. They're all miserable.

    Don't feel bad about it. Best to avoid them like the plague.

  • lordezekiel on 13/06/2022 - 13:47

    You don't mention your social media use, and i would strongly suggest to remove yourself from any and all forms of it, and i would include youtube commenting and (heresey i know) OzBargain also… online communication is not an equivalent to real life, face to face communication and inevitably, people are more capable of being rude, arrogant, naricisstic pricks online than anywhere else. I would also say stop watching the news / consuming any sort of mainstream media, as it will endlessly focus on negative crap and all of this in concert with each other will taint your view of the world and it's inhabitants, making you relutant to go out into the real world. People are (mostly) awesome, but it's hard to belive that when you are stuck in the meatgrinder that is the online world, where the sausage often seems to be largely comprised of assholes.

    A suggestion i have, that i feel would address your physical health as well, would be to join something like a free walking or hiking group. In an evironment like that, you are all doing an activity together, there will be some socialising but it is not the focus, and walking somewhere with a group means there is no need or time to awkwardly decide on eye contact, body language, etc. And there will surely be passages of time where no one talks, when everyone is concentrating on the hiking, nature, the view, watching other people walk by, etc. I hope you consider it mate

  • digitalbath on 13/06/2022 - 15:46

    Most people these days are selfish entitled ā‚¬unt$ anyway. Why would you want to talk to them?

  • this is us on 13/06/2022 - 15:58
    -1

    Social anxiety or something similar?
    Maybe go see a therapist and do some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Even if that's not anxiety, I think you might benefit from CBT to improve your relationships and social skills.

  • topRamen on 13/06/2022 - 16:36

    Do a thing that requires bravery and communication. Take up martial arts like BJJ etc or another sport like rock climbing.

    Or start slow, coach your kidā€™s sports team - small people are less intimidating and are probably weirder communicators than you. Your communication with other adults, like parents, will be set topics with answers you have ready.

  • BankstownMoeyDW on 13/06/2022 - 17:59
    +1

    Hi John,

    I experienced very similar problems for over 5 years and I'm similarly aged. I researched and found countless possible causes, spent tons of time researching 'treatments' like neuro-regnerative drugs; don't think these had much of an impact at all. However, I'm much better now, in fact I'd say I'm totally recovered. The armchair expert in me says you're probably depressed, which makes you want to isolate socially, but it also impacts your mental function, cognitive abilities, memory recall, etc. Start doing something you enjoy, personally I've found going to the gym one of my best therapies, but I enjoy working out.

    Other than that, I believe the brain can suffer from inflammation much like any other bodily organ. This could definitely impact you as per what you've listed. This is the bro-scientist in my speaking, but you'd want to eliminate anything that inflames the body, which also means getting your diet in check, research the omega 3 to 6 ratio problem for example, you may want to start smashing less omega 6 foods and start supplementing with quality omega 3 supplements. This likely helped me a ton.

    The brain's very neuroplastic, you have no need to worry, just need to remain positive, try the above. You'll get better in the end!

  • tikei on 13/06/2022 - 22:24

    I have similar issues as OP but I don't see it as a problem. I find more enjoyment alone over socialsing with others.

  • MontyMacaw on 13/06/2022 - 23:02

    Buddy you sound like you are calling for help. You seem to make excuses why you wonā€™t. Maybe get a friend to help you get the confidence to actually go and get it. The best starting point is a frank and honest talk with a good GP. They will point you in the direction you need to go. Ruminating about your woes leads to, well ruminating about your woes. After that it can be catastrophic. Youā€™re here expressing yourself so thatā€™s a good start. Now you have taken the first step the second will be easier. Same goes for anybody else feeling empty or worthless. Itā€™s nothing to be ashamed of. Nobody is immune.

  • darxtorm on 14/06/2022 - 08:44
    +1

    if it is bothering you, then you need to talk to a good psychologist, in conjunction with assistance from a good holistic GP.

    spoiler: you will need to visit a few before you find a fit that works. understanding this from the onset makes it easier to go through the cycle required. think of it as dating, it can be daunting and feel endless, but once you find the right one, you'll know why it was worth it.

  • [Deactivated] on 15/06/2022 - 10:51

    What's your diet like?

    Definitely, exercise helps a lot.

  • Eeples on 19/06/2022 - 22:27
    +1

    I think you are too much in your head.

    Find some distractions or obsessions.

    As mentioned by others; exercise, sleep and eating healthily would be a good start butā€¦ IMOā€¦.you also need to externalise your existence by doing something that has meaning for you.

    Find your raison d'etre.

  • cupcake on 23/06/2022 - 15:23

    It could be Asperger's syndrome. After watching the show Love on the Spectrum on telly, I finally knew what it was!
    Give it a watch if you have time.

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