Suggestions on How to Help a Friend?

aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 00:38
Last edited 17/03/2021 - 09:20 by 1 other user

When I was in my previous company, I briefly worked with someone who was hired as a manager of a team that works very closely with mine. Unfortunately he did not perform as expected, and was probably asked to leave about 3 weeks into his role.

His last update before that was he had opened a coffee shop and was probably earning more than his previous white collar job.

Anyhow, I sent him a LinkedIn message during Christmas to ask him how he was doing, and was shocked to find out his son was diagnosed with cancer. Worst still, I think it coincided with COVID and he was not able to run his shop - given his son had chemo and he was advised to be more vigilant not to bring any disease back. I suspect that ended the business for him.

As a father, I can understand how much pressure it is on him. With not much income and the pain his son has to go through, it is pretty much a dead end whatever he does.

Was wondering how can I help. I know there are many people who are in the same boat and its impossible to help everyone but I feel somewhat connected this time given I know him in person, was a decent gentleman and it makes me feel helpless / bad not being able to help.

Just wanted to find out if there are any practical ways that I can do to help this guy here

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  Unorthodox on 17/03/2021 - 00:40

  +33

  You have good intentions and good on you.

  It might be a good idea to suggest getting a coffee or lunch together and catching up. Sometimes people just need someone to listen and if you can do that I'm sure it'll mean a lot.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 13:16

    i wont think too highly of myself
    unless i am able to genuinely help him out

    • 

      CheapskateQueen on 17/03/2021 - 14:41

      +1

      being a good friend and earnestly wanting to help him is a great start. Just "being there" for him can often be all that someone needs.

      You can obviously try to help financially but that's a big ask, a big burden, and not necessarily your place to suggest that he needs it.

      Seriously, just knowing he has a network of support can do wonders for his mental health.

      • 

        aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 15:41

        +1

        thanks
        sounds like everyone is suggesting to have a catch up and let him express himself
        i think thats a good idea will definitely do that, and take it from there =)

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  Vancomycin 1000mg on 17/03/2021 - 00:53

  +5

  I want to have a friend like you. But what you are doing is amazing and hopefully someone will return the good deed.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 13:22

    i wont think too highly of myself
    unless i am able to genuinely help him out

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  subywagon on 17/03/2021 - 01:35

  Was the coffee shop closed down? Couldn't he get someone to work there and at least keep it running and maybe get some income?

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 09:53

    i dont know - didnt want to ask as he just told me he now drives a bus
    didnt wanna add salt to his wound
    we've been chatting on linkedin message so maybe a better conversation face to face

    • 

      subywagon on 17/03/2021 - 12:14

      Yeah no worries. I understand. You should meet up and have a coffee.

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  ihbh on 17/03/2021 - 07:08

  His last update before that was he had opened a coffee shop and was probably earning more than his previous white collar job.

  Doesn't make sense. Either there was a big mismatch - e.g. his office job was rocket science but he was a top customer service or salesperson or barista, or "earning" can refer to revenue.

  Regardless, most of the costs are covered by the government.

  However, the son needs to get to chemo, etc. There are volunteers who drive patients who find it hard to get there. If possible, you can donate your time and do that every now and then. If they live far away, that's fine, donate your time to somewhere nearby, because someone might be donating their time for the son.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 08:38

    Office job was not rocket science
    Was back office doing settlements
    Im not an expert in that field but his expertise was around banking systems and how to make sure fund transfers happen correctly
    Also on derivatives (financial contracts) in his previous role before joining corporate

    I was hoping to help him in a sustainable way

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 09:10

    and when i messaged him last night, he acknowledged that after what he's gone through and all sorts of bias in the white collar world that his career days are gone. just touched my heart seeing someone so weak and yet not heard when he needs the most help. i think he didnt manage to find a job after being asked to leave so ended up trying whatever he could get his hands on to make a living hence the coffee shop

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  Sum-Ting Wong on 17/03/2021 - 07:23

  +1

  Start a GoFundMe

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 08:40

    thanks - my network is not big so no one would do that for me (maybe him too)
    and maybe there is a reason why he himself has not done it (down to earth, probably think he could still cope)
    and the chemo treatment is now over as i understand

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  try2bhelpful on 17/03/2021 - 08:52

  +3

  I think taking him out, regularly, and making sure he is OK is a good start. Give him a sympathetic ear and see if you can workout what he needs.

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  SF3 on 17/03/2021 - 09:05

  +3

  Best "solutions" should come from within, rather than outside intervention IMHO (e.g. the "teach a man to fish" quote). Like others have suggested, catch up with him over a meal, hear him out, be a great listener and draw out his options and what is within his means that he may not already realise (e.g. currently blind to it) and see where it that takes you both to decide over the (new) options to explore.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 09:55

    I totally agree and probably monetary assistance might be good but doesnt solve the root cause
    hence im thinking of other ways to help him
    was initially thinking buying some toys and necessities to raise a sick child as a start and see how he takes it
    but as you said, the internal peace is actually more important

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  Randxyz123 on 17/03/2021 - 12:20

  +1

  Catch up for a beer/coffee/lunch. Maybe try to do this once a fortnight. It might seriously help him having someone outside his family to talk to.

  If he is trying to get his cafe back up and running, maybe see if you can help by setting up a website so he can run it as take out only if he can’t employee many staff.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 13:15

    ok - will try to catch up with him and see how to help
    i dont know how to run a website but thats where i need OzB help

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  deme on 17/03/2021 - 12:58

  -2

  I briefly worked with someone who was hired as a manager of a team that works very closely with mine. Unfortunately he did not perform as expected, and was probably asked to leave about 3 weeks into his role

  I've never, ever seen someone who didn't perform as expected fired in 3 weeks as a manager without them getting fired for dodgy shit.

  Then your mate opens a coffee shop.

  The dude is cooked and needs a reality check. Be honest to him.

  • 

    aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 13:12

    +1

    He wasnt dodgy. He was asked to do a bunch of accounting stuff / banking relationship when he was an expert in settlements (tallying cash flows in large volumes)
    I think he is just doing whatever it takes to stay afloat.- definitely not the smartest person in the room but is decent and tries hard.

    • 

      deme on 17/03/2021 - 14:36

      -1

      You said he became a manager of a team.

      Regardless manager or not, I've never seen someone fired that quick unless they are dodgy.

      • 

        aboogee on 17/03/2021 - 15:37

        not saying you're wrong - probably wrong choice made by hiring manager
        my ex-manager was replaced in 2 weeks, before we found a second replacement who worked out well
        he was asked to chart some basic data and he couldnt (quite basic for a finance person you'd think)
        again, not the smartest person in the room but lol im surprised how did he get there too

        btw i think manager these days are overrated - in my old company there were "managers" who had no direct report
        pretty common in a government owned corporate i suppose…

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  Bid Sniper on 17/03/2021 - 13:46

  +2

  Good you for thinking about someone's well being.

  Just hang out, even just talking $#!t can change someone's world for the better. You don't need to solve his problems, showing you care and talking is enough for a lot of people.

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  preferredusername on 17/03/2021 - 14:54

  +1

  Having being the carer of someone going through chemotherapy, sometimes people "trying to help" could actually be a bit overbearing - although admittedly this was more when people would suggest that a positive attitude and smoothies might help cure the cancer, which I think technically falls into the category of "unsolicited advice" which is usually annoying.

  Sometimes people pull back during these times because of the whole elephant in the room thing, but being treated like a "normal" person was so refreshing - just normal catch ups or dinners like a couple of people have suggested. Acts of service could also help, for example, helping with medicine or grocery runs, but would obviously depend on how well you knew the person!

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  kanmen on 17/03/2021 - 15:52

  I think the best person to ask about how you can help is that person themselves. But don't try to take on that person's trauma and problems onto yourself, it's not about you feeling sorry for that person, it's about that person and what they are going through.