Work Colleagues Ghosting You for Work Related References

hasher22 on 19/01/2021 - 20:19
Last edited 19/01/2021 - 23:32 by 1 other user

Hey guys,

TLDR: Two workmates whom I chilled with outside work and considered friends, when I asked for references, they said but when it came to doing it, I was ghosted.

I lost my job in June 2020 due to covid but after 80+ applications I am now 99.5% landing a job and start in two days. But this professional behavior has always bugged me with people.

First scenario: Within the job, I really clicked with 1 person, we hung out after work. Professionally: we shared ideas, feedback, and we both uplifted our professional game within our work. It was a small company, so managing and sharing ideas with other departments was common. She worked in account management and I worked in graphic design for the company. We even chatted around living close to each other, where my lease was up and I needed to move. She was actually gonna move around me so we can hang out more.

We got along professionally and personally (don't worry there is no lust or sexual attraction). We both decided to be each other's references if we decided to leave, well my job was made redundant and I followed up if she wanted to still be my reference. She said yes.

Anyway, lost my job in June 2020 but we still hanged out as if nothing happened. I got a job interview, told her about it and she may get a call as a reference. No reply back, she ghosted me. I texted her the next day saying I am really keen on the job, no reply back. 1 week goes by, I didn't get the job. Approx 2 weeks goes by from the job interview, I said something like: "hey, how are you holding up with work and the move?"… no reply back. I decided to cut ties. Until this day, she has no reached out to me. I 1000000% don't know what I did wrong apart from telling her she may get a call as a reference.

---

Second scenario: Similar to the first. A friend of a friend hired me as a casual graphic designer and he knew from the start that I am looking for another job that is full time not casual. He was 100% cool, we got along, we hang out after work, he invited me and his friends to his house. Work had no issues. I saw nothing out of the ordinary.

I asked if he can be a reference and he said yes. He has no problems being one as he has been a reference to many people.

I went for a job interview last Thursday, they called me back the same arvo and they said I made it to the next phase which is 2 x reference checks and ID that I can work in Australia without restrictions.

The way they do reference checks is through an online questionaire Xref, I fill out the references details, they fill out a questionnaire under 15 mins and done. Easy right?

My 1st reference filled it out within 10 mins and said done.

My 2nd reference which is this 2nd scenario dude, he said yes after I told him it's an online questionnaire. I told best to fill it out tonight, the reason is that HR called me and said the contract is drawn up and will be released to me once the 2nd reference has filled out the questionnaire. I checked Xref, he didn't fill it out. Within Xref, you can see if your reference opened the link to the questionnaire or not. Or if they started and saved it for later or finished it (I like that). But he never opened the link. The next day comes, I give him a follow-up SMS stating if he can fill it out tonight and they will release the contract to me. NO REPLY BACK. GHOSTED!

I really don't understand guys? I am dumbfounded, I can not rely on people professionally and these scenarios only makes me not trust people professionally and personally

I, myself, is a reference to 3 other people and I am 1000000% happy to wait for a call as a reference. I have never backed down as I am a man of my word.

I have now cut ties with those two people. I do not have time for BS.

What are the reasons why they ghosted me? It's not like I asked for money or the world. I asked for a professional transaction with their consent and when crunch time happens, they all of a sudden disappears. Except for that 1 reference which he filled out in 10 minutes, he's a man of his word and there should be more people like him.

A few answers come to mind:
- Did I piss them off somehow?
- They don't get anything in return for being a reference?
- They are yesmen, all talk - no action?
- Busy? (HA, that can't be it)

• 

  SF3 on 19/01/2021 - 20:46

  +1

  I’ll bite (looks like 4 subs to this post, but not replies yet).

  I’m not sure to be honest, but I had a look at your past posts, they seem to me you think aloud a lot? And had a few “low lights” with your relationships ( “complaints” about your mum, dates ). They don’t seem to me too odd tbh.

  Question for you, do you listen more or talk more?

  • 

    hasher22 on 19/01/2021 - 20:59

    When we hang out as 'friends', they don't know my personal life or my personal life struggles or complaints like what I write in the forums. I keep my personal life and work-life separately to an extent. I never talk about my personal life at work, unless it's small talk like what I did on the weekend and whatnot.

    Yup, I do think out loud but usually online not in-person as I usually think before I speak. But I do think out loud with my best friends haha.

    Do I talk or listen more, at work, I tend to listen more and absorb the information, personally it's a mix.

    I also psychoanalyse myself from time to time and reflect if my attitude is X, could Y outcome be possible. I do ask for feedback at work and make sure I am on the right track. And in these two scenario moments, I am actually thinking quite hard why those two ghosted me. I am 99.99 sure I didn't offend them or made their work-life harder or am a burden? If I was, they wouldn't invite me or meet me after work to chill?

    I 100% do not talk about my 'low lights' to my work mates.

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  elgrande on 19/01/2021 - 20:53

  In both scenarios you talk about hanging out as friends.

  Maybe that is the wrong approach, just keep it professional.

  • 

    hasher22 on 19/01/2021 - 21:24

    Thanks, even though I kept my personal life to a minimum when we all hanged out, there must be some element in those out-of-work events that may have shifted their view.

    But what I don't understand is that they both said yes to being a reference and just bailed when I followed-up with them. The second person said yes during my time with him and then yes to the questionnaire after I had the interview. He even gave me time off for the interview as he knew I was looking for another job.

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  AustriaBargain on 19/01/2021 - 21:13

  +1

  I've never even heard of workmates providing references. Surely when your potential employer realises that you were too scared to give them any of your employer/superior's contact details, and instead gave them your old workmates details, then the con will be exposed and you won't get the job right?

  • 

    hasher22 on 19/01/2021 - 21:20

    One was the CEO of a company and my direct manager. One was a workmate but it was such a small company, less than 15 people, I technically did not have a direct manager per se, we all chipped in where ever we can and help each other out. That workmate whom I was on good terms with, she was the closest person to a direct manager than the actual owner.

    I don't think I was "scared" to give my direct employers number as a reference, I've had jobs in the past that direct managers refused to be a reference because it's "company policy" not to be a reference.

    I ask people to be my reference based on our work relationship and if they are exposed to my work on a daily or bi-daily basis. I mean, I never asked a workmate to be my reference, it's always been a manager or in this once-off in that small company, her to be my reference based on our work interaction, feedback, exposure of my work and the collaborations we've had was more-so than the owner.

    • 

      AustriaBargain on 19/01/2021 - 22:16

      It's illegal to refuse to provide a statement of employment at the very least. If they are refusing to let you be a referee then surely they do not consider you a good employee, regardless of what professionally friendliness they showed you while you were employed.

      • 

        hasher22 on 19/01/2021 - 23:09

        Oh, I agree, it's their decision and I fully accept if they say yes or no. I may be deflated because I may feel differently, but it is what it is. I turned down being a reference myself to X employee. We all have our reasons.

  • 

    mskeggs on 19/01/2021 - 22:00

    +1

    I don’t think offering a colleague as a reference is a con, if you accurately describe their role and yours.
    In the work I do, if is usually team members from other areas that I work with on projects that would be the best able to offer a reference.

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  mskeggs on 19/01/2021 - 22:05

  +1

  Being asked to give a reference is a difficult thing to do, particularly if you do so in person where it is hard for somebody to give an excuse if they do not want to give the reference.
  These two people might both enjoy your company, and find you suitable to work with, but might have reservations about some aspect of your performance. For example, maybe they thought you were good, but over estimated your abilities as a manager.
  If you are applying for a management role, they might be uncomfortable giving a reference where they either must be honest, which would make them feel bad towards you, or feel that they should be dishonest, obviously putting them in a difficult situation.
  This might explain why they felt they couldn’t fulfil the previously agreed reference.

  • 

    AustriaBargain on 19/01/2021 - 22:17

    -1

    Maybe if the referee no longer worked at the company you worked for, but if they are still employed by the exact same company they managed you at, and if they would say you were a good worker, then why wouldn't they in their position as a company employee representing the company, not want to be a referee?

    • 

      mskeggs on 19/01/2021 - 22:22

      I worked with a guy who was a super hard worker, but terrible team leader. His team got results because he worked tremendous overtime, and his team constantly had drama etc. He was moved to a solo role where he could shine.
      His next job was as a manager of a large team and I was called up as a reference. I said he was a hard worker who got results. I was asked how he was as a manager. I said I couldn’t really judge.

      If the guy had called me ahead of time to ask me to be a reference, I would have made an excuse.

      • 

        AustriaBargain on 19/01/2021 - 22:34

        You really want him to call you 80 times about all the jobs he's going to apply for over the course of a few months? Vs just asking you once and having that permission cover all applications that include a referee from a former employer. And if you did want to be called about each and every application from each and every former employee, is the owner of the company really happy for you to be potentially fielding hundreds of calls every time there is an economic downturn and lots of former employees are all sending out hundreds of applications, each minute of your time is actually a minute of the owner's time because he's paying you and you work for him. Micromanaging former employee referees makes the owner no money at all.

        • 

          mskeggs on 19/01/2021 - 22:57

          +1

          @AustriaBargain: He didn’t ask me to be a reference, and yes, I would expect somebody who was giving recruiters my contact details to ask me first.

          • 

            AustriaBargain on 19/01/2021 - 23:00

            -3

            @mskeggs: Ask you for each and every one? Even though you probably won’t get called by most or maybe any of them?

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  Hardlyworkin on 19/01/2021 - 22:32

  I would say it might be due to using the term 100000%

  That would be a deal breaker for me.

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  JFFTech on 19/01/2021 - 23:18

  I am dumbfounded as to why someone cannot give a professional reference, especially to someone who is in need. I've been doing management roles over the last 10 years and I never said no to anyone when they asked for a professional reference. There was an instance when I gave a low rating in the performance appraisal cycle to one of my team members and he approached me for a professional reference after I moved to a new job a year later. I was happy to be his reference and in my feedback to his new employer, I emphasized on his strengths while briefly touching upon his area of improvement. He got that job and I was genuinely happy for him.

  In your case, I could only think of the below reasons.
  1) In the first scenario, someone at work could have told the female staff not to give a reference to you. This is the most likely case if your redundancy is not due to COVID. Please try to introspect and see how others perceive you at work.
  2) In the second scenario (the owner of the company) has a grudge about you leaving them in a short period. Or he wasn't comfortable providing a reference as you worked for him only for a short period.

  By the way, I do ghost LinkedIn recommendations as it's a public domain and I want to limit what I say about others in social media.

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  plmko on 20/01/2021 - 00:00

  I don't know what it is about people being arseholes when giving a reference. I mean it's not a legal statement and has zero repercussions. It's also such a dick move when an employee has put so many years of efforts and they can't even give a bone….pathetic.

  I remember an old work place of mine, many years of service and business growth and then left on good terms. But a 5 min reference call….basically acted like we were strangers being difficult to agree to one, it's real bizarre psychology going on.