Whats your process for dealing with the death of a friend/loved one?

outlander on 22/06/2018 - 15:27

My grampa died yesterday, and its got me thinking about what I should be focused on during this sad time. I was thinking of making a sort of list of instructions, so that next time it happens I can just run though them on autopilot for the first couple of days.

Any suggestions? I'm thinking of things like "Use the initial period of shock to go out and buy food and make it into premade meals, so it gives you direct your energy towards. That way, later when you don't feel like cooking you have food ready and you're not tempted to buy fast food that will only make you feel drained."

In before any 'how is this related to deals' comments, events like deaths often get quiet expensive. Costs blow out as people just want to get things over and done with, they don't want to spend time finding the cheapest option. The more prepared you are for the onslaught, the easy and cheaper it is to deal with.

Health & Beauty Burial

Comments

  • ChillBro on 22/06/2018 - 15:32
    +10

    I have no advice to provide but my condolences, OP.

    • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 19:31

      Thanks, thats very kind of you.

  • bobbified on 22/06/2018 - 15:52
    +2

    We're humans - we have emotions.
    Everyone reacts slightly differently, but there's no shame in feeling sad or crying when you lose a loved one. I would be very worried if someone didn't feel anything after a loss.

    One way to think of it would be to celebrate their life and the memories you've created together rather than focussing on the actual loss. Get together with the other people that were close to the person.

    As strange as it might sound (and I don't know why), you feel better when you see someone else that's taking it harder than you are. It's probably not an appropriate comparison in this topic, but it's like when you're drunk and you suddenly need to take care of a friend who is in a more drunken state than you are, you seem to sober up pretty quickly.

    • Quantumcat on 22/06/2018 - 21:13

      I would be very worried if someone didn't feel anything after a loss.

      I felt numb for a couple of weeks after my best friend died

      • bobbified on 23/06/2018 - 00:27

        I don't worry because I think the person is cold or emotionless. The loss and the emotions are there, but different people handle these situations in their own way. Most people show it outwardly in emotions that we can see, but there are people (probably like yourself) who don't have an obvious and more immediate reaction to the loss. My worries come from not knowing how that person is dealing with all the grief/emotions - for example, are they bottling it all up inside or will those emotions eventually manifest itself in a more destructive way such as heavy drinking, etc? It's quite unpredictable sometimes.

    • [Deactivated] on 23/06/2018 - 13:35
      -1

      Only certain types of people feel better when they see someone else suffering.
      I wouldn't want one of them as my friend.

      • bobbified on 23/06/2018 - 14:10

        Only certain types of people feel better when they see someone else suffering.

        It's not about feeling better watching someone else suffering.

        I think it's to do with wanting to take care of someone else and totally forgetting about your own pain (or your own suffering becomes a second priority).

  • andy19363 on 22/06/2018 - 15:58
    +4

    Be happy for him…… his journey is done.
    If you think about it, the sadness you feel is not about him…. it's about you and how your life will change, how you will miss him, etc.
    When my wife died, the best thing was that people cooked food for me and the kids….. Kept us moving forwards…..

  • No on 22/06/2018 - 16:07
    -8

    Use the initial period of shock to go out and buy food and make it into premade meals, so it gives you direct your energy towards. That way, later when you don't feel like cooking you have food ready and you're not tempted to buy fast food that will only make you feel drained.

    • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 19:31
      +2

      Very clever.
      Hows that working out for you, cleverman?

  • cookietime on 22/06/2018 - 16:14

    Think about the happy times that you had together. Perhaps create something containing the happy memories so that you can look at whenever you miss him.

    • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 19:31

      Love that song! Rogue Trip (PS1) 4 life, bro.

  • follow on 22/06/2018 - 16:24
    +2

    I move on by thinking about how it is inevitable and this is life. The realisation that you'll never see this person again sometimes hits, but you have to soldier on.

  • MsBin on 22/06/2018 - 18:12
    +3

    Not sure a standard checklist will help as everyone deals with grief differently, but having lost family members myself I found it wasn’t the initial loss that was the most difficult. Immediately following the bereavement I’ve always kept busy with jobs like scanning pics to make a memorial video, writing a speech, organising catering and venues for wakes, making up the funeral printed program, booking accomodation and entertaining the people coming in for funerals, official photographer of the funeral/memorial, dealing with the estate etc. Being useful and helpful is a great way for me personally to deal with what’s happening but may not be so for everyone.
    It’s the ongoing loss- the first Christmas, Father’s/Mothers Day, Birthday you have without that person that really hits you.
    I think having happy memories and a certain resilience helps, and being able to take heart that new family celebrations will happen like graduations, weddings and new babies… and the world (hopefully!) keeps on turning.
    Sorry for your loss.

    • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 19:43

      I know how it sounds, but for me having tasks with clear objective and purpose creates space inbetween in which to process the feelings of grief.

      And what generally works for me, I find works for many others (although they resist it at first)

      The go getters might get busy working on the important stuff, and the more extroverted will focus on great shows of emotional crying and wailing, but for the rest of us, we're left asking: what am I supposed to be doing?

      I think thats a fairly common response, and one a check list would help with.

      Thanks for your support.

      ps I don't know how you could do all the stuff with photos and that. That would be a little too intense for me.

  • psyren89 on 22/06/2018 - 18:48

    Setting aside time to grieve is a good move.

    If it starts to consume your life, however, busying yourself with work or other commitments provides a suitable distraction (essentially, not having enough time to grieve).

  • Diji1 on 22/06/2018 - 18:51
    -2

    There must be an app for this.

  • try2bhelpful on 22/06/2018 - 18:56
    +1

    Start with checking in with your other family members and making sure nobody is really struggling. It helps to sit down with other people who also knew him and talk about his life and what he did.

  • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 19:48

    Okay, I came up with another one: Temporarily raising the cover for insurance on car, house and health if possible. I was driving today and everyone seemed to be driving like maniacs. Usually if everyone seems to be doing something crazy, you're the crazy one. Either way the risk of an accident is higher, so raising the insurance and/or adopting a more conservative driving style would be a pragmatic move.

  • [Deactivated] on 22/06/2018 - 20:16

    I listened to Radiohead and Sigur Ros, then retail therapy.

    • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 20:28

      How much does this 'retail therapy' end up costing you?
      I must admit I had to fight the urge to buy an Xbox One S today.

  • SmiTTy on 22/06/2018 - 21:15
    +2

    Basically the same question was asked by someone on reddit and an old man provided some great insight. You'll be able to find the original reddit yourself but here's a copy and paste (sorry for the length) :

    "Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
    I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

    As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

    Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks"

    • parisienne on 23/06/2018 - 12:15
      +2

      SmiTTy,that was a beautiful read,and had me in tears.I lost my Dad a few months ago,and our daughter a bit over a year ago.Those waves are still pretty high and often right now.
      Outlander,i cannot say what will help,as i am a broken mess over my losses,BUT,i can say that having the strength (when you can) to do something,with someone,that makes you laugh,is a big help at the time it is happening.It may only last an hour…but it is an hour with less pain.

      • try2bhelpful on 23/06/2018 - 13:01

        Losing a child has to be the worst grief. I lost a brother a few years ago and that hurt more than losing my parents I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child. I know my condolences are inadequate for your pain but do everything you can that allows you to grieve and brings you comfort.

  • outlander on 22/06/2018 - 23:00
    -1

    I wish you would say something instead of just watching. Always lurking in the shadows.. what is it your afraid of?

    • outlander on 29/06/2018 - 13:21

      Fine, don't say anything. I'll find the answers without your help. It'll take longer, but it's not me whose going to be suffering the consequences

  • DebBol on 23/06/2018 - 08:41

    First off sorry for your loss, my mum passed away last September and it is still hard,
    Mum actually had a list of everything we would need for her funeral arrangements they need to know so much, it was great had all the names and dates for the funeral people, I have since done this list for myself and hubby in case anything happens to us.
    If cooking helps you go for it
    I can say try and think of the good times you had with your grandfather, I do with my mum and a lot of memories make me laugh but I also still cry a lot just miss her. so much

  • Sensiekatie on 23/06/2018 - 11:26

    Sorry to say that a list is useless.

    Each death will affect jihnfiffrrently.

    So not only are we all different and experience grief differently. Each death may yield a different reaction in me.

    I have since lost all my parents.

    However the family death that knocked me most for 6 was in 2006. It was my cousin - and that seems close but the situation is unusual in that she was close in age to my son as my Aunty is only 2 years older than me. So it was more like it was my daughter who had died - though not quite.

    Why did it knock us all so much. Easy - 23 - car accident (so suddden) -arrived less than 6 weeks etc etc.

    Her close friends, her family, her HUSBAND and his family. There was a lot of people at the funeral and we were all dealing with the tragic loss of (insert relationship here).

    So the circumstances surrounding the death can be what hits you is what I am trying to say.

    a recent family death really got to me too and again it was the circumstances if the death that tore at me.

    So there is no systematic list that is going to help you with these. You have to do what feels right for you at the time. If you aren’t able to go fomethingbtowards the arrangements, then seek other ways to help your family.

    So vcooking plenty of food and providing it might be your thing. I know what
    My parents died, there was no time for food preparation - the calls, messages, emails, texts etc - I couldn’t get a bite in. If there is someone in the family having this issue, then you would be a blessing to them.

    As a grandchild, talking to your family about your memories could well help with snippets for the funeral. I have also been to several where each grandchild got to write or share some of their
    Memories. So think about his meaning up you. Memories , looking at photos. If is not a waste of time because it is all part of a process even if not useful to the service.

    Most service planning I have been to involved in, that sharing of memories was essential to the process and helped us all.

  • HeWhoKnows on 23/06/2018 - 12:57

    See the local funeral parlour and the local priest

    They will provide guidence for you.

    None of us are experts in this field but we all manage to figure it out.

  • [Deactivated] on 23/06/2018 - 13:24

    Men tend to focus on practicalities, so often feel the need to 'fix things' hence we find comfort in making lists and action plans.
    The downside is that sometimes we think we can fix issues that do not respond to logic.
    Women however tend to focus on their feelings and deal with significant challenges by sharing and working through their emotions.
    'Compassionate Meditation' has been shown to be very useful for those who are going through the process of watching a love one die.
    https://centerhealthyminds.org/science/studies/changing-your…

  • aretsa9 on 23/06/2018 - 19:51
    +1

    I found these comments so comforting and helpful. My mother has passed away and I am in London dealing with many unfamiliar formalities
    - arranging a cremation in London;
    - repatriation of her ashes to South Africa and a memorial service there;
    - shipping of some of her belongings to Australia.
    I find it quite daunting and overwhelming at times. The Reddit post was so beautiful.
    My sincere condolences, Outlander.

  • ozbjunkie on 23/06/2018 - 21:29

    Recognise that your grief is just another expression of your love, and your love never ends, it never dies.

    Your relationship with the deceased is transformed, but it doesn't end.

    Their touch, their face, their voice, is in your memories. Their mind and heart is part of your mind and heart.

    We grieve for the loss of the living, for our lives without our loved ones. This means that the one approach to grief is to reach out to friends and family and make sure they are supported.

    Bravely allow yourself to feel the full gamut of emotions, and know that at the end of that road is a deep feeling of appreciation that you were blessed to know and love them at all.

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