Hello fellow ozbargainers,
I would really appreciate all of your suggestions and advices for my problem.
This is an extremely personal request and help. People who are not empathetic and people who don't care please do not post offensive or silly comments.
I am a 31 year old male married full time employed professional
Very calm and a quiet individual.
I have a problem where I can't win even even a silliest argument and I will become anxious (even on a phone call)
I can't stand up for myself and if I do it, it will look like I am impolite and rude (I don't have the knack to tell that in a subtle way) and my hearts race up and I have shivering hands and fingers. I won't sweat, Thank God for that!
When I read in the internet about it, it looks like I am not the only person and people suggest a variety of things such as diverting my mind, moving hands and legs vigorously, deep breathing etc. but those things will help me get over it at that time but I can't do anything if that issue is on a phone call
Please don't suggest like "Grow some balls" or "pull up your socks". If you suggest that way please elaborate with an example. I would be grateful :(
This is a genuine request to all kind people out there and thanks in advance.
Also I have not been to a Doctor about anxiety issues as this is my only problem and nothing else. It's all about the adrenaline and it's effects I think but please post your thoughts
Dealing with Fear and Anxiety
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Hi Op i have also had this for a long time too. In my teens i suffered really bad anxiety. There have been times where i couldnt get to sleep due an event the next few days or months and id lie awake thinking about all the details. Sometimes i wouldnt even go to the event because id be so worked up about it going wrong somehow.
Unlike you i found being around the opposite sex awkward and uncomfortable at times and only in this last year have i met someone who now understands this part of me although im sure it can be really hard to deal with for them too.
I tried alcohol drugs you name it i did it but i found it to be a temporary fix. In conjunction with a psychologist i found a naturopath helpful with herbal tonics and solutions that are natural and effective that i can use everyday. I also went to an accupunturist too and this helped heaps.
Its still not talked about enough as people are worried about what others think of them but it does more damage to stay quiet.
Its an ongoing battle for me as im sure it is for others but at least im managing it better than what i was and its easier when you have support around you.
I wish you all the best Op and others here too.@Lennox Hey Lennox thanks so much for sharing your personal experience. I am glad that you have found a very compatible life partner who can understand you :) That's the best thing ever happened to me in my whole life :) Is naturopath and acupuncturist expensive? I understand I need to do my research and it's worth spending that. But just asking…Thats awesome to hear from a person who has tried both the therapeutic ways and drugs/alcohol. I am a little afraid of that as I am the main bread winner and henceforth a bit hesitant which is good I believe. It's really promising to hear that you are dealing it better than before and I too hope the same. Sooo happy for you mate :) Stay happy and healthy :) Also I have booked an apt with my GP :) Thanks so much for your kind words and comment
"I can't stand up for myself and if I do it, it will look like I am impolite and rude .."
That is just your opinion… are you just over sensitive? Have others said that you come across that way?
Most anxiety problems are not permanently solved by medication or counselling. It is a type of mindset that can be easilly changed with some personal dicipline.
It usually stem from a persons own thought process that is slightly off track and imagining things that are not so, or over thinking things.
Two words that you can say to yourself which worked for me when I was doing an instructors course and had to lecture in front of a class of adults… "So what". Say it to yourself and mean it.. it works.. and if it doesn't .. so what :-)
Exercise is a great cure for anxiety and stress. No medication can compete with it… get a bicycle or get involved in a local social sporting group and let out some of that tension. What was a mountain before is usually a distant memory later. Don't dive into something competitive as that will be counter productive and will only make the situation worse. You want fun and exercise, not an ego boost from beating someone at something meaningless.
If you feel uncomfortable or unsure in the way you express yourself then seek out an organisation called Toastmasters in your area.
""Toastmasters will give you the skills and confidence you need to effectively express yourself in any situation. By learning to effectively formulate and convey your ideas, you open a world of possibilities. You will be more persuasive and confident whether speaking with your colleagues, your community or your family.""
http://www.toastmasters.org.au/
They can teach you how to express yourself in the way you would like to.
Good luck…@xywolap: Yes you are right-no one has told that to me, but I personally think I need to develop my IP skills. I agree with you and I am a little too sensitive -I think I need to work on that!
Wow that's amazing to even hear man. 'So What' is something which I have never taught about… -I am gonna tell that to myself always from now on.. Like a lot of other ozbers out here, I have a habit of thinking too much about everything-which was all fine until the shakes and nervousness became a part and parcel of my everyday being :( Yes, a lot of ozbargainers have told about toastmasters here thanks again for your comment and time mate. Appreciate your kind thoughts and time :)
As others have mentioned before me, see you GP and get a referral to see a Psychologist.That has helped me in the past. I have found working with a Psychologist who uses CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) very useful. I would also suggest roleplaying. If you have a supportive wife or close friend, you could role play certain confrontations that may come up or that you are expecting to arise. Being able to practice a confrontation (doesn't have to be yelling) will help you with your assertiveness. Good luck and take care.
I would also suggest roleplaying. If you have a supportive wife or close friend, you could role play certain confrontations that may come up or that you are expecting to arise.
OP: Starla, that phone is for business calls only.
Secretary: Sorry boss, Cindy just broke up with her boyfriend.
OP: I can't afford to keep my clients waiting. I'm going to have to let you go.
Secretary: You sound stressed. Why don't you let me help you with that…*cue seedy disco music*
@Nikovegna: Thanks for your comment and time. It sounds great- 'Roleplaying' is something which we can practice easily at home. Thanks again for your valuable suggestion and time :)
Just have to practice, I was a bit like that when starting working in my field, the more people you talk to the more you'll learn about how to deal with certain people and tones you use.
@jerjergege: Yes sure man… Sure, will try to practice that .. Thanks so much for your time and suggestion :)
Despite what you think, Anxiety is just as real a disorder as diabetes, hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis and so on. There is a huge variation in an individual's sensivity to anxiety. Scoiopaths can lie, cheat & steal all deal without feeling remorse or angst; whereas an agorophobe feels dread every time they have to leave their house, or an OCDer has to engage is vigorous cleaning rituals everytime they come into contact with something they feel is 'contaminated'.
There are a huge number of medications that are genuinely anxiolytic, but they are all performance degrading. They don't work by making you feel confident & able to cope. Instead, they prevent you from feeling any emotion at all; no fear, no motivation, no pleasure, just indifference. Don't let doctors/pychiatrists talk you into taking crazy-pills (antipsychotics) for anxiety disorders, they are the worst drugs in the armamentarium. You need to hold down a full time job, so all 'downers' need to be eschewed.
@Thal sinestro: I understand it well and truly now and I am sure I should have sought professional help long time ago. Anyways, as said earlier it's better late than to be never.. yes that's why I didn't want to go that path nor alcohol/drugs as I am the main bread winner of my family… Very good explanation without any medical jargon.. Thanks so much for your time and suggestions :)
First of all, yes this is definitely something you want to see your GP about and get some proper help. You would be surprised what percentage of men have these types of issues, nothing to be ashamed of (but at the same time, I wouldn’t go advertising it, people do still judge).
I see it has been mentioned before, but I have been in Toastmasters for about 5 years and it is a great place to build general confidence. People think of it as just public speaking, but with enough practice your whole approach to situations and ability to think and respond on your feet changes. It is also incredibly cheap for what it is (~$80-120 every 6 months for most clubs).
Not sure where you are located, but if you are in Brisbane I can recommend a number of different clubs for you.
@joshm12: Thanks so much mate. Yes, I was hesitant to speak about it and henceforth came to ozb just to ask for suggestions. As you said, a lot of people has experienced some form of anxiety and I didn't really expect it was such a huge problem (I know about depression but never knew about anxiety being a problem for these many). I will pm you for sure Josh. I think the fee is nothing when we think about the benefits eh? Thanks so much for your kind suggestions and time.
No need for Medical intervention, they will give you drugs and tell you , you are not smart enought to live with out their egos
99.9% of arguments are a waste of space
" Don't reply don't get suckered in "
repeat that's interesting , wow, and then excuse youself or change the subject , get the F out there. If you can't win, why bother?, If your heart rate goes up does that do any good for you, if it makes you look like an idiot how does that help you," When the student is ready the teacher will appear, stop teaching to non students.It' not my problem and I don't care.
I don't care and it's not my problem.
That person is F up it's their problem , with all my freedom, free time I can do more important things.
Families are generally the worst, it' not you job to fix other people you only have yourself to fix, if everyone just worked on themselves.Why don't people change is because of what's in it for them? If they have to change their reality, then they have to admit being wrong.
The Gov't still allows Mercury fillings , the dentist still insist they are safe, logic and reality rarely spend time in the same room.
Good luckRead some books
Dr Dwyer "Your Erroneous Zones"
When you change the way you look at things—-the things you look at change@Tony2: That's a lot of amazing suggestions mate. Yes, we need to pick our battles. Sometimes it's better not to get suckered in as you say. I am creating a flowchart of all the suggested steps and the suggestions along with the books and will certainly add this to the list. Can't wait to implement :) Thanks again mate ..
there are quite good discussions on anxiety on Reddit - I had the sort of same issue — a people pleaser and hated confrontation which is no good as a team leader — I went on some beta blockers (in conjunction with my family doctors advice and monitoring) this hid most of the visible physical symptoms of anxiety during confrontation ..then i went to some courses at work on managing groups and people etc — you sort of learn to stand your ground without resorting to brute force — i still sometimes have issues in small groups but nowhere as bad as before.
@sardines: Thanks for your I input in regards to Reddit discussions mate. Will look into that for sure. Yes you are correct, I am also a people pleaser but slowly changing :) How long did your GP prescribe beta blockers for? Is it only when other measures fail? Although I am not a full time manager, I have to deal with a lot of similar responsibilities in my relatively new role. I will look out for some courses in the near future. Thanks :)
Take a friendly debate course
Sure djmm.. Thanks :)
Unfortunately the only way to improve this is to have this experience more often. You'll become calmer as you experience this more often. That's why I recommend doing something like debate course or something in similar nature when someone is purposely challenging your point and you practice to defend or counter argue it
Do you notice this start happening before or after marriage?
One suggestion I would add is that be prepared to change psychologists if their style of operation makes you uncomfortable. The level of trust can make a big difference to the success or otherwise.
@jhmtaylor: very good suggestion mate for someone like me who has never been to one. Thanks so much :)
Consider the large range of advice offered here.
I think the most important thing is you can't just select one method and expect it to be comprehensive - I think you must assume responsibility for the change you are seeking and map out a plan for how you will achieve it. This may include consulting a GP and mental health professional, other counselling avenues, changing diet, changing mental outlook, meditating, challenging yourself and even addressing relaxation such as Kers suggested.
The thing is, your individual, personal needs can only be ultimately understood completely by yourself, so it is up to you to build the approach that is right for you.I think sometimes people have an issue, expect a doctor to prescribe a pill, and it will be gone (not implying OP is this person, but I see this attitude elsewhere on the Internet), when we actually have a very limited understanding of how mental processes and physical processes in our individual bodies interact with the surrounding environment and the other people in it.
I also think one of the ways people have traditionally dealt with anxieties is challenging themselves and being challenged. This is often unpleasant, but giving a speech at school, or approaching strangers for fundraising at Boy Scouts, or starting a paper route or other job early, provided measured steps that exposed kids to anxious issues, and allowed them to overcome and grow confidence in their ability to face anxious situations.
As a society, we tend to shelter kids more, and accept their reliance on adults more. I think this has resulted in more anxiety across the board, as we focus more on individual achievements and being protective.
Couple that with more precarious work and financial arrangements like high debt, and the result is this undercurrent of stress that it is hard to deal with.Good luck with your journey, and I hope you look back and are pleased you made the effort.
@mskeggs: Thanks so much mate. Yes, as you said these days people want an easy fix for pretty much everything eh? I was even asking another ozber about why he was prescribed pills and the reason? I am really motivated and keen to find out the best ways and I am jus t waiting for my GP appt now :) you have also raised some great points for the future :) Thanks so much :)
I would recommend looking into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It requires no medication and can actually achieve positive changes. Its not a magic pill, but it has certainly helped me.
"Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) is an effective treatment approach for a range of mental and emotional health issues including anxiety and depression. CBT aims to help a person identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts and to learn practical self-help strategies. These strategies are designed to bring about positive and immediate changes in the person’s quality of life. CBT can be beneficial for anyone who needs support to challenge unhelpful thoughts that are preventing them from reaching their goals or living the life they want to live. CBT aims to show people how their thinking affects their mood and to teach them to think in a less negative way about life and themselves. It is based on the understanding that thinking negatively is a habit that, like any other habit, can be broken."
If your level of anxiety does begin to interfere with your ability to function, it is important that you begin to learn some skills for coping with these anxious feelings. This is where CBT can help. It focusses on changing patterns of thinking and beliefs that are associated with, and trigger, anxiety.
@field1985: Thanks so much for your elaborate description about CBT. Much appreciated. :) One more reason to why I should see a psychologist asap.
grow some socks and pull up your balls
Lots of good suggestions here - like get professional help.
Personally, I think the solution is to not give a crap what other people think - I mean literally stop caring what other people think - it's liberating. Then pick the people that you trust or admire and only care what they think. You will be in a better space.
@dave999: Although this is such a tiny thing but its a very important thing for a lot of people incl me. There was another comment earlier about "so what". I totally agree with what you are saying and am gonna start to practice them :) Thanks again.
I am much more confident when it comes to arguing than I used to be. Now I realise arguments come and go and I don't hold onto them. Keep learning to be assertive, you will respect yourself more, and if you find you're continuing to sound abrasive, apologise the next day (where possible). If someone doesn't accept your apology that's their problem. At least your conscience is clear.
Maybe some confidence building books would help. Practice responding in a calmer way, in a mirror perhaps. Write down what you remember from an argument which recently occurred, and at home, play the role of the other person, and practice better responses. Picture yourself being calm. Visualisation is part of the solution. Often the underlying factor in anxiety is confidence issues. This may not be the case in your situation but it's worth noting.
The best thing that helped my severe anxiety was to stop worrying what other people think of me. Nobody's perfect, not me, not anyone.
Ask yourself, what am I arguing about? How important is this argument?
There will be times when people argue some stupid point and that becomes an issue of not getting too involved, (in fact, this is an opportunity to develop diplomacy skills, not argumentative ones - you can say, "let's just enjoy this beautiful evening", etc.), or don't get involved at all. Practice just listening. You don't have to say anything. Once you recognise an argument is silly or invalid; on an intellectual and objective level, you can just say, nope this argument is not worth getting into. It doesn't even mean you have to dislike the person, either, maybe they're having a bad day, or maybe they have other, better qualities. Sometimes, maybe you're both right. There are arguments which rely not on a singular point of evidence, but which are purely opinion based.
Everyone has an opinion these days, though. It's like we're living in the age of arguing. Sheesh… We've forgotten how to just chill and enjoy each other's company. Everyone's become so serious, too.
I stopped watching TV six years ago because I noticed the interplay between people was becoming very unhealthy; so many pointless arguments, so I found this helped me in so many ways. Everyone thinks they're an expert these days, too, and speak before even taking a breath. I stop myself these days and, before speaking, ask myself, how much do I really know about what this person is saying? Would I rather just relax tonight than get into an argument, even if I feel I can correct someone's opinion? At my age I've learned people, including myself, say things that aren't always correct. In time I figure it out for myself.
Remember, there are people who like to argue for argument's sake. Keep your arguments valid and valuable. Anything else is not worth your time. That's not to say we get it wrong sometimes and that's when we just need to forgive ourselves and move on.
All the best.
@attackshipsonfire: Woww, thats an incredible message of wisdom mate. Looks like you have gained a lot of life experiences. I am making a big chart with all the strategies which I need to acquire/practice and your suggestions are very practical :) Thanks again for your time. Really appreciate it :)
I'm going through a similar situation to you. I have severe social anxiety which in the past I have passed it off as just my personality but I have a much bigger problem. I can't walk outside the house without fearing someone is judging me negatively and it is so bad to the point it is affecting my work. I have recently been suffering panic attacks at work to the point I have to leave work early as my hands and feet go numb and I feel like I can't breathe.. Sometimes for weeks on end I don't want to leave my home as I'm anxious and nervous about the world outside. You're not alone and don't need to feel that just because you're a guy and older that you need to grow some balls or whatever. I've delayed seeing or talking to someone about it since recently. I have spoken to my GP and have a psychologist appointment soon which I hope can help me.. I've tried all sorts of coping mechanisms but I've resorted to sometimes punching myself when I'm nervous so my concentration goes towards the pain rather than my anxiety.. I strongly suggest that you speak to someone or a GP about it before it gets worse.. I wish u all the best x
@Gnortsmralien: Hey Bro/sis, thanks for your kind message. I really appreciate you taking your time to write here. I can certainly understand where you are :( Panic attacks are terrible and really scary. I have also been to the disabled restroom so may times to do the vigorous shaking of arms and legs as suggested in the internet expecting my shakes will go away and have cried many a times. But as you know it wont help ya. I was the same and never sought professional help. But after reading all the comments I have realized how imp it is to seek professional help. Please Please dont hurt yourself again. It wont help you as you know :( Please do not miss your appt. I am also gonna visit my GP very soon.Wish I have realized it earlier (Assumed that it was part and parcel of my human existence and I have to put up with it)!. Its exactly the same what you have said. Atleast it's better to be late than to be never. Thanks for your wishes and message :) I hope and pray that all goes well with your appt as well. Good luck :)
It takes a while to write something here,
If the anxiety is triggered by the following:-
1 Overthinking
2 Talking to yourself
3 Always nervous what others think about you
4 Trying to look smart or better than others in social meetings
5 Feels like winning a war when it comes to winning an argument
the list goes on..My friend, I had few of those issues in the past, what I've realised it that I was living in other people's lives and not my own.
Overthinking - Trying to solve a problem is fine, but trying to mimic that lost argument and how you could have won it, simply waste of time..better go for a run
Talking to yourself - As long as it's you talking to yourself, and not to someone else. You may have heaps of awkward situations where you wanted to burst out but walked out calmly, believe me, walking out calmly is the best thing to do..that's my strategy
Always nervous? - Man…this has driven me crazy, I discovered that world out there is very negative and people will only look for negative things in you, will form an opinion and pass judgement and on top of that, will share in social groups in your absence. The only thing that hurts these kinds of people is your prosperity and financial growth. You cannot shut a million mouths, but you can focus on making million.
Look Smarter? - Give that up, only few people can win all arguments, and i'll let them have it and walk away, my energy is worth spent else where.Your anxiety level may have reached for professional help, so seek it. and while you do that, try not to worry about the 5 things above, my personal experience, and i started avoiding it, rather invested all my energy in working smart and working hard, and i can tell, that it is paying off.
@tryingtohelp: Man, you are a testament to your profile name :) Thanks a ton in listing out those 5 points. I am certain that I have pretty much all of them unfortunately. Although I value and appreciate all the people who have commented, these 5 strategies are definitely one among the top suggestions. Just wow! Thanks again and good night :)
Hi OP
First of all let me start and tell you one interesting fact. No one has ever died from anxiety.
Second, I have suffered and still suffering from anxiety. My condition has improved due to receiving professional help.
Third, I am an avid meditator and ironically have got my first and the most serious anxiety attack while staying in a Theravada monastery in the middle of a jungle in a South East Asian country. This is just to show that it can happen to anyone at any point of time and there is nothing to be ashamed of!After trying to deal with my new condition the Buddihst way, I realised that it is not going to work and I returned to Australia to receive professional help. It has been only a bit longer than a month but my condition improved significantly. When I got back I could not even meditate because I would get anxiety attacks while doing so. Obviously consultation with the right person helps, however, what helped me the most is a book that my psychologist suggested. It is called "The happiness trap". In a nutshell, negative emotions and thoughts are part of our evolutionary design and they are always there because they are integral to our survival skill. We cannot get rid of them by trying to control them !!! The book talks about a very efficient method that is called ACT - Acceptance Commitment Therapy. It has many elements drawn from Buddhist philosophy (mindfulness etc.) and shows that the most proven way to deal with our mind is through acceptance. When one has learned how to do that, life becomes much easier and meaningful. I know that to some this might sound like a bunch of nonsense but unfortunately no one has leaned how to control their own minds. We simply don't have control over our thoughts and emotions. Whenever we try use a control technique it equates to scratching an eczema which just irritates it more. After learning to accept by using the techniques described in the book, life becomes with much less suffering and things like anxiety, depression subside.
There is so much suffering in this world which could be avoided just through learning few techniques or just by having a bit of understanding how our mind works. Cultivating mindfulness through regular meditation can also help a lot.
I hope I could help.
CheersOriginal reply re the mental health plan is definitely first priority, however, I also highly recommend the book that Octogenarian recommended, I.e. The Happiness Trap for everyone to read. As mentioned, just learning to accept all emotions and understanding that there are times where you maybe happy and other times sad and accepting it rather than the notion that being happy is right and unhappy is wrong is a notion which is very important.
Another book that is extremely good is Jeffrey Young's Reinvent Your Life (also recommended by many psychologists)… This book is different to The Happiness Trap as the principles in The Happiness Trap are applicable to everyone. This book is moreso based on stretta theory and how people may have different types of "life-traps" and how to deal specifically with them. I think this maybe a bit more focused for the OP but both books I believe would be very good (in addition the therapy).
@shaiguy: Thanks so much mate for your kind response. YEs for sure :) I will add your book to my reading list. Appreciate your time. Take care :)
@ Octogenarian: Thanks so much for your message and suggestions. Will definitely add 'The happiness trap' to my list. What you say is absolutely true. We need to realize and accept the reality. I am glad that your mediation and seeking professional help has helped you. I have never thought about mediation and stuff like a majority of people :( Long time ago (over a decade) when I was in Uni I used to attend a church with some Uni friends. It was not something like other churches where oldies come with their walkers. To be precise it was 'Hillsong'. In retrospect if I think about that now, I didn't have a lot of these issues back then (perhaps I should factor in about stress levels and other issues). But anyways, I think we all focus too much on things which are not worth(job and career etc)and miss out on important things like health. The advancements of Technology and science have deviated us a long way from the essential stuff and to be honest I didn't believe in meditation at all. When I think in retrospect about the mental health which I had when I was involved in church activities etc it wasn't bad at all. Anyhow, Thanks again for your message and the suggestions bro :) I hope you stay well and healthy and continue on your meditation techniques. I am seeking professional help soon and am really happy that its happening now.
Sounds pretty textbook low serotonin to me.
40mg of Paroxetine stat.
Remember this comment when nothing else has really worked (your whole life I assume). I would use it in combination with real immersion, but you will feel alpha on that dose (and in turn it will be natural to feel cool/calm/collected and alpha).
Another benefit is that you'll probably achieve pornstar levels of staying power with your wife.
@Bamboozle: Thanks for your suggestions mate. Haha she is gonna love it ;) As you said I will stick with all the great non-medical interventions which was shared here with a first step of a GP appt. Thanks again
The thing that helped me as a younger man and even to this day was joining a gym.
@cm712: Thanks for that mate, That's a very good point. Will add that to my action plan :) Have a good day!
I am a bit older and ageing has put my shyness and excessive self-consciousness into perspective, opened my eyes at how silly and childish I have always been (watching my own kids being silly helped). Basically, why fear and stress if you gonna die anyway, and those people you are afraid of are gonna die too. It does not mean I am a changed person, but I certainly experience less anxiety.
At work I successfully pause my stress by becoming a tool. Like, OK, that phone conversation was not perfect, but I had to have it, I am paid to do that and there is no way out of it. So why stress?
I am of foreign background and speak with an accent, so I enjoy every conversation with (so many) people who speak even less intelligible English. It may seem mean, but it is a nice confidence booster. You may want to join a group of people who are worse off, remember "Fight Club"?
Read into NLP, some of their techniques are very easy and do work for some people.
Good luck. I think we all are like that, may be that person who's judgement you fear is more afraid of yours?
@idq. Amazing points mate. The office attitude is so cool. There were a lot of suggestions similar to this earlier by fellow ozbers. Thanks so much to everyone and to you in particular :) Stay healthy and happy :) TC
- Socialise with nice people without seeking any benefits. Loneliness was never good. Socialising is not just about drinking or sun-bathing on the beach. Internet era has stolen our time and habits.
- Talk to neighbours - invite them for a coffee and snack. Do it often, not only around Christmas. It never hurts. You'll find that knowing one another is much more fun than behaving like strangers.
- If you have kids, join them for games and talk with them about their school life, stories, friends and so on.
- Meet friends and families at places beyond just pubs and restaurants - either in home or in parks or some nice, open places. Meet them without any agenda. Just sit in the courtyard or on garden swing and spend time together - nothing formal.
- At work - know your strength (everyone has some great strength/s) and try consciously to show it through your everyday work. It'll soon be visible and your colleagues will respect you for that.
- Keep yourself away from unnecessary time spent on mobile, video games and laptop. We all spend hours on gadgets unknowingly, unproductively.
- If you travel by public transport, try to say hello to co-passengers sitting next to you. Talk more if they show interest. Sitting silent is no good - remember, we are responsible for making ourselves estranged. No one forces it on us.
- Try to live natural, old-style life. Visit parents, siblings without much of pre-planning and appointments as you would do when you were a kid. They are your family - you can knock their door any time (as long as you have good relations with them). Visiting my parents/ close relatives for no reasons on any regular day gives me a great feeling.
- Get involved in charity and social work - meet people who are underprivileged but nice. It'll make you feel grateful for what you have.
- Try to meet people with unique passions and hobbies. Understand that there are many people in the world who don't live for money. Luxury, world travel and wealth aren't everything.
- You don't need to be wealthy, educated or successful to be happy. So called 'wealthy nations' have the highest level of mental diseases. There has to be a reason. Learn to be emotional (positively) and happy. Kindness, joy, sympathy, etc are positive emotions. Worry, anger, envy, etc are negative ones.
- If you like traveling, spend some time in India and Bhutan. Just go there and stay in 10 different states, preferably in small, beautiful towns - many things (including but not limited to culture, lifestyle, diversity, food habits, state of mind, emotions) will amaze you in a good way.
- Look at people's smiles. It'll inspire you to smile and forget your anxiety, at least for a while.
- Do whatever you can to live a bit beyond materialistic life/ world. Have you heard of this?
- Exercise - but not in gym. Just walk/ jog in open air.
- Try hard not to hurt anyone and be nice with everyone.
PS: These are general lifestyle pointers (which often help me and people I know) and not a health or medical advice in any form/ sense.
@virhlpool: Thanks so much for all these lifestyle pointers sir. I think it will be helpful to every human being :) Thanks soo much :) Appreciate your time
I went to a professional development session recently on trauma. One of the takeaways was that self regulation of emotions relies on someone teaching you first. Maybe you need that. Good luck OP
Also please do not listen to people on here who aren't qualified health professionals. Including me
@Tomkun: Sure. Thanks for your comment. I have already made a GP appt. :)
You mentioned you have 'hearts' - that is your problem :-P
or your a time lord…On a serious note, since this issue is on your mind, it will be like you are searching for the answer as you go about the day, this may give you some hope. you are doing the right thing - by asking people.
Sometimes I agonize over an issue for days, but if I discuss it with others, the solution suddenly becomes clear, usually because they give you some knowledge you didn't know about.@bkOzican: Haha sure. Thats so true :) Thanks for your time
"Very calm and quiet individual" who is Polite and unrude.
Phone call situation - when you hear something that confronts you must take time to meditate - calm breathing, still mind… slow time down to nanoseconds and fantasise your hand travelling down the phone line through the network - to the other end out the speaker and giving that caller a decent SMACK in the face.
Don't worry, it's only a microsecond of reality. Only you will know.
@ Thicknslow: That's something which I need to practice it I believe. ITs great to imagine… Thanks
I think your mind is telling you that you are human. The good news you are not alone. Most of ozbargainers deal with fear and anxiety of losing good deals and occasionally regrets.
I suggest looking at forums frequented by people who have the same experience -> https://www.psychforums.com/generalized-anxiety/. I have lurked and posted on such forums in the past and have found the quality of postings to be very high. Seeing a professional counsellor could be useful, but I find it more beneficial to discuss issues with people who can speak from experience, and learning how they coped.
@worldclassmiser: I have never seen that forum-thanks for sharing :)
There is a plethora of evidence showing that regular exercise is better or just as effective as medication and cognitive behavioural therapy.
Something as easy as a 2km jog, or if your joints are stuffed, an exercise bike or elliptical trainer
Having said that well worth seeing GP regardless and also a life coach for assetiveness training.
@rodripa: Thanks for that rodripa Yes, I am seeing one. Thanks again :)
try some CBD oil it has worked wonders for me with my anxiety
@myusername: Thanks for that. That's easy and quick ;)
I think, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will help you. A GP will need to refer you though if you want to go through the public system - from what I know, medicare pays about 75%. Please do post back with whatever helped you most.
@dig bick: Sure mate. Will definitely do that when I find an answer- I am sure it ain't too far. A lot of people have shown interest and spent their time for me-I will keep the kindness flowing :)
I find this kind of thing a lot at work. After a bit of research I realised that humans bring previous experiences into their current lift, mainly a situation that wasn't so nice, those feelings and negative emotions automatically come through to a similar situation.
Took me a while to realise this, and I often think to myself that when I meet new people, or new situation, it's not the same as before, the people are different and I have a completely new opportunity to do things different (including my emotions).
Humans also bring previous experiences from relationships across to new ones, so important to realise this.
But yes, go see your GP.
A lot of people including myself also find mindfulness/meditation helpful. The Aware app is still free and gives you guided meditation courses I can do myself. Search ozbargain and you will find the link to get the full version of the app.
nice first post
I know this is Oz Bargain and some might see this thread as being out of forum but congrats to all who commented. The first step to finding well being for this condition is hard and some will feel this not the place for it. So well done to this community for the useful and thoughtful advice given and full respect to all the trolls and doubters that with held to comment.
Things that have helped me for my chronic anxiety and depression
- Listening to Allan Watts on Youtube
- Colouring Book
- Cooking
- Music
- Meditation as cliche as it may sound it does work
- Running
- Exposing myself to confrontational situations which I fear
- Chatting up with strangers
- REALLY listening when someone is talking and giving them my atmost attention - this skill can be cultivated overtime.
- Reading self books on my kindle - best investment EVER!
- Microdosing some medications only things spiralling out of control
- Gratitude Journal - shit you're thankful for like your heart, eyes, hands etc etc.
- Remembering the impermanence of everything - like heck we all are gonna die - might as well live now - this line of thinking will you to let go!
It's a tough habit to break free from but if I can do it to a functional level so can you my friend!
CheersHmmmm.
I would want OP to consider that a lot of what you may find on Google and such forums such as this are very general in nature and not all the advice may apply to you.
I am actually a health professional, have been working in a health based environment for over 13 years.
Many people suffer from some form of mental illness, be it anxiety, paranoia, anger disorder etc. The unfortunate thing is many people don't realise they suffer from some degree of personality disorder - the good thing is that you recognise it AND you are willing to fix it. We don't live in a perfect world unfortunately.
It's always best to see a GP first if your anxiety is affecting your daily routine - bear in mind, a GP only has 15-30mins with you and this normally isn't enough time to ascertain the exact cause.
Some GENERAL notes to possibly help you:
Studies have shown that children have significantly less anxiety when they grow up in situations when they become adults when as children they have been exposed to the same or similar situation. i.e., often running through the scenarios or practising with someone will often build your confidence and reduce anxiety in that particular circumstance.
Write down your thoughts, break them down, work out the rationale for you feeling a certain way.
Exercise, moderate exercise helps with stress levels/anxiety.
I’m in the same boat as you and have ignored all social outings from my friends and family to a point they no longer talk to me or ask me out. I keep thinking I’m being used due to my great money making skills and they want in in it. The longer I don’t talk to my parents (FYI, I stopped talking to them because they. Called me fat and kept attacking even though I started exercising the week before) . Not only that I can’t stand my wife’s parent living in my house I paid for because they come fromChina (see my previous post where all responses tells me to get a divorce lol).
Maybe I should seek a GO but I’m scared I will look like a jerk in front of them and get crappy responses like I did in my getting rid of in laws from China.
You and I share the same problems re the in laws. I feel your pain bro. Oh you need to see someone stat or at least get your GP to get a mental health assessment done to see if you fare as badly as I did.
Try meth. You will be invincible.
Gday OP,
Much the same boat my friend.
I am not sure what profession you are in, depending on which one it is, you may have free access to 5 sessions with a psychologist within the EAP program. They will pair you with a psychologist. If you don't like him or her, ask for someone else. These people deal mostly with professionals experiencing anxiety, burnout etc. https://www.accesseap.com.au/
Doctors will suggest antidepressants, such as SSRIs. These did not really help with my anxiety. There is some evidence that they may not be overwhelmingly useful.
Like you, I am quite conflict averse at work. Anyway, when you find the answer, let me know.
Hey OP, by all means try Medicare rebated psychologist sessions and work out if this is a real life issue affecting you in many domains, or you simple don't deal well with conflict.
If it's the latter - many people have issues being assertive. It's uncomfortable and raises stress hormones. What I suggest is that these issues can be overcome with practice, i.e. don't avoid these kinds of situations (avoidance is self perpetuating through negative reinforcement of you want to read up on the psychology literature).
Instead, practice stating your case calmly, include the facts, why the situation is unsatisfactory, and what the other party can do to solve it. Try with your power company negotiating a better discount, try with restaurant staff if you find a dish is not as one would expect, try when someone kicks your chair in the theatre, etc.
In almost every sphere of life the flight or fight response is unnecessary, but entirely natural. Becoming more comfortable with disagreements and not becoming rude or aggressive yourself is a valuable skill. And you're not weak or a bad person if you aren't able to do this initially, actually it probably means you're a nice guy who wants people to get along.
Anyway enough with the wall of text, somewhere between a pushover and an (profanity) is the strong and fair person you'll become if you decide to practice.
Good luck with everything.
To all those recommending to see a psychologist, yep by all means go see one but don't forget it actually cost money.
Medicare benefits schedule item 80010 rebates $124.50. Most providers charge much more and your options cover may cover some. You will need to get a mental health assessment done by your GP before you're eligible for that. Medicare covers up to 10 visits only. Once you're onto your 4th visit with your lovely provider, you need to get another mental health assessment done and a new referral to keep the Medicare rebates coming. It's great there are know recognition on the importance of mental health but there's always a cost attached to it.
helpme7680 has requested for thread to be closed and would like to express thanks to all the commenters who provided useful advice.
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@Juliusseizure yes, I am going to. Thanks for your time :)