Son Asked for Money to Pay Debts

AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 01:44
Last edited 12/10/2016 - 23:54 by 1 other user

Just to keep it simple and to ask for advice.

My 20 year old son just spoke to my wife and asked for money, $4000….

Apparently he can't pay his (shared house) rent.
He lost his licence speeding and had his car impounded, then got caught driving and got more fines.
His work has cut his hours cause he didn't want to work nights anymore.

I, to be quite frank i'm not happy to just fork over my very hard earned money so he can learn "lessons" in life….

I go with out a lot in life to save my money but my wife just said to me "he is your son".

His Facebook lately is just full of pictures of clubbing and pubs.

Hi all, the out come….

Yes it was stated a gazillion times, don't lend the money but any way.

So I paid a fine for him and gave him a $2900 loan so $3370 he owes us.

He is supposed to be changing positions in his work which will be 5 days a week so he could easily pay us back.

Don't worry we put him through hell to get this money, we wanted ins and outs of everything.

If all else fails he could work for us for free lol as our best worker is leaving us soon.

Do I expect to see the money paid back? No not really but honestly I want only about half back as its his birthday soon but I'm not telling him that.

Thanks for the support or lack there of, now I've got to go and build some bridges…

Poll Options expired

  • 69
    Pay up and help him out
  • 576
    Let him deal with it
Financial

closed Comments

  • PleasureMe on 11/10/2016 - 14:01
    -2

    Tell him to move back home with you. He won't need the money if he is living with you because he won't need to pay you rent. Problem solved.

    • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 15:29

      Not only will that likely fail to solve the son's personal & financial problems, it will put the father in a position of then incurring the son's financial burden AND cost of him mooching off the family too. It's literally the worst of both worlds.

      • PleasureMe on 11/10/2016 - 15:37
        +10

        the son is only 20. The son is still a kid. Living with parents at age 20 is hardly mooching. If u ask me, the son was too young to move out at that age, which is evident by his immature actions.

        I lived with my parents right up until age 30. In that time I was able to save enough money to buy myself a house and make myself financially secure. I have never had to ask my parents for money.

        You say my idea will fail. I say you are wrong.

        • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 16:13
          -1

          Kids are 5, not 20. Your personal experience of needing the parental teet into your 30's is not that of the average responsible competent adult.

        • BartholemewH on 11/10/2016 - 18:26
          -3

          @infinite:
          Hear hear. 30 year olds living at home are a joke to the rest of the population.

        • bargainslut on 12/10/2016 - 00:42
          +1

          @BartholemewH: Families are welcome to let a 30 year old stay if it works for that family, who's to judge?

        • Piranha2004 on 12/10/2016 - 09:51
          +3

          @BartholemewH:
          Why? This is highly subjective. It may be common here in Australia to kick out your kids once they are 18 but a lot of other cultures and countries retain the family aspect well into their 20s and 30s. From a personal perspective, Ive only just moved out 18 months ago (Im 32) and a lot of my friends are still living at home. It doesnt mean we are not capable but that our circumstances are different.

  • useruser on 11/10/2016 - 14:11
    +2

    I was initially going to say let him suffer but after reading through and seeing how tight everyone is I say bail the kid out. Debt when you are young really sucks and yes you do make bad decisions, sometimes just in the name of fun.

    Definitely need to have the sit down family chat, try to understand what's going on his life and help to steer him in the right direction, but avoid chastising as that serves no purpose.

    I know personally that I found it tough at times and that there is no harm in helping him out, it's better than making him suffer needlessly in the name of teaching him a lesson. He probably feels like crap and has already learnt the lesson, and so what if he needs to learn it 2 or 3 times, it's just a part of growing up.

    My family background is European so there is more family culture, what goes around comes around and I now contribute a considerable amount to improving my family's life and financial situation. It might seem like you're giving something up now but remember that it's about developing your sons character and strengthening the family bond.

    • Blitzfx on 11/10/2016 - 14:46
      +3

      But OP said he's 20. He's old enough to learn about money management and being a responsible driver.
      The fact he was speeding so much that his car got impounded shows how little he cares or thinks about other people's lives on the road.
      The purpose of the fine is to teach you a lesson about putting people's lives at risk. It doesn't work if daddy helps pay off the debts.

      I'm really annoyed he has the luxury of being able to pick and choose when to work, never mind actually FINDING work. A lot of younger people out there are struggling to find work and here he is being picky.

    • Murpha on 12/10/2016 - 20:06
      +2

      Aussies don't have family culture…

      • bobbified on 12/10/2016 - 23:00

        I actually agree with you on that one!

        Since there's no real right or wrong answer, I was thinking that it'd be quite interesting to do a poll of opinions on this thread vs culture - but someone might pull the race card.

  • tap on 11/10/2016 - 14:51
    +1

    You can still support and love him without handing over an easy $4k.

  • ridinkidonk on 11/10/2016 - 15:01
    +1

    He obviously needs a kick to get him going down the right path, a pretty hard one at that based on what you're saying he is up to but I'm going to say I was in a similar situation once upon a time with a similar amount and it just about killed me to ask my parents for help as they were definitely a last resort.

    They bailed me out and I've not done anything so stupid with money since, I have also paid them back in that time although they didn't ask for it - the guilt alone was enough to make me want to do it. I am very thankful that my parents helped me out when I needed it and I will always be there for them when they need me and I know other sons and daughters wouldn't be so lucky. That kind of debt at that age seems like the weight of the world on your shoulders, at least it should feel that way.

    I guess it depends on whether or not you think he will really learn anything from you bailing him out. Chances are that he may not feel bad for it at all but I know I did when I was in the same situation and I've definitely matured from it. He seriously needs to understand the consequences of that kind of thing.

  • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 15:08
    +1

    Your son is well past the age of becoming an adult and is completely capable and responsible for being a self sufficient man. He created his own situation through a list of mistakes as long as his arm and will not learn from a single one of them if bailed out by you or the wife.

    The best thing you can do for him is sit him down and give him a reality check, deny the (profanity)-pass he requested via his Mum and then if needed, work through a series of steps on paper (in a time-line format if needed) for how he can resolve his debt. Work through his budget and create a savings plan that now will be used to repay his debt & at the end will be used to actually save some money. Show him the big goals, then the baby steps over time you take to achieve them & put on paper or a spreadsheet. Problems like this are much more manageable and perceived as achievable once shown how to do it gradually over time. Give him the phone numbers to call to arrange debt repayment plans for the fines and car, if he needs to plead for that in front of a judge, so be it. That way he learns from his mistakes, is forced to be accountable for what he has done, is made to work and repay the debt, then is given a structure and the knowledge for how to budget and save/plan his expenses. This helps him work through the process that get's him on track to becoming the man he needs to be and your showing him how to do it. If he's not capable of having his hand held and following through, he deserves the financial pain and repercussions that will follow.

    There are a heap of quite reasonable types of debt that as parents we should consider helping responsible & hard-working kids out with. Deposit for a home loan, security for a home loan, part-repayment of University/HECS/HELP debt. Fee's for dentistry, a year's worth of the most expensive private health care coverage for a pregnant / soon-to-be pregnant daughter. Part-costs towards a wedding, out-of-school extra tutoring or coaching costs for grand kids. These are all really reasonable things to consider helping out the kids with. Paying for a child's moronic financial decisions that are easily solved inside a year or so by them simply managing their finances properly and acting like a responsible adult is NOT something reasonable to consider doing.

  • Cluster on 11/10/2016 - 15:26

    Hand over $4k now and risk your son not learning a lesson from all of this, and coming back for more money in a few months/years…

    Refuse to hand over the $4k, potentially putting your son in real financial strife and leading to further negative consequences. Crime, alienation from you…

    You could offer a 0% loan instead of a handout, but what happens if the repayments stop coming?…

    It's not an easy choice and there are very good arguments for both handing over the money and refusing to. Perhaps you could offer to help out, but with strict conditions. The help is a one off. It's to get his life back on track. It requires him to hand over all bank statements to see what money is really being spent on. It requires him to promise not to do stupid things like driving while disqualified, and if he gets caught again then he's really on his own.

    • AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 15:54
      +1

      Rent (2 months I think)
      fines and car impoundment costs
      Court costs

      • lowndes8 on 11/10/2016 - 15:56
        +4

        Seriously you son has issues and needs more than a hand out.

        • AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 15:58
          +4

          I agree.

        • lowndes8 on 11/10/2016 - 16:02
          +4

          @AMLagonda:

          I know someone in a same issue as you sound like you in. In the end it was found he was addicted to ICE, in over 30,000 debt and to top it off was involved in robbery's so is now on house arrest awaiting trial

          Deal with it now before its too late

    • nickj on 11/10/2016 - 16:02
      +2

      From your tone, I suspect that you don't have kids. They will stuff up, make mistakes, and it's your job as a parent to help them, and guide them. I don't believe this responsibility just stops at 18.

      If you've always made perfect choices and never done anything silly that you later regretted, especially in your younger years, then well done.

      • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 16:18
        +1

        Nobody is perfect, but enabling an addict or those who make poor financial decisions is only slightly worse than making those poor decisions in the first place. Being a parent is about equal amounts of compassion, love and showing responsibility in leading by example. You show absolutely none of that by bailing out your adult child so that they learn nothing from their huge mistakes in life.

        • nickj on 11/10/2016 - 16:34
          +2

          I agree. I never said bail him out without restrictions. What I was responding to was lowndes8's implication that the son is a loser.

          Personally I'd match him dollar for dollar paying off his debts, on the proviso that he has to show receipts for payments of those debts, and the money I paid would only be directly to the debtors (in this case, the rental agency or the court).

        • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 16:40
          +1

          @nickj: It's not a bad compromise, but it's still letting him off half the debt. All that will do in the end is enable him to spend that money on other crap instead of meeting his personal and financial obligations. What's worth significantly more than the $4K debt is sitting him down and teaching him how to budget, how to work through the debt, the process to negotiate payment of the debt and then how to follow through with the repayments on the differing types of the debt. People literally pay almost $1K a subject to learn that at Uni or TAFE & he's getting the valuable life experience of being walked through the differing types of debt repayment & negotiations in person/court/govt offices - something that is a vital skill to have when working in any financial or management capacity for any business later on in life.

  • FW190 on 11/10/2016 - 16:00
    +5

    to the OP,

    if you must bail your son out, personally, I would pay the landlord directly for rent, and which ever government department in your state that is responsible for debt/fines collection, don't let him get his hands on the cash, make it a condition that he must move back home as well, as obviously he cannot handle his new found freedom responsibly, however, if he gives you the speech about how he is an adult and he can live where ever he wants, do whatever he wants, then let him handle this situation himself like any responsible adults would.

    disclosure - I have been young and had made my share of mistakes too (probably owing twice as much on the cards as the OP's son at one stage), but instead of sticking my hand out, I worked harder/longer, cut back on my spending etc to make up for it, now I am debt free and actually have some savings.

  • snook on 11/10/2016 - 16:17
    +5

    I should feel that you will stay a child as long as you're treated as one and bailing them out keeps that dynamic going ad infinitum.

    This guy needs to man up. He adulted himself into these problems so he can adult himself out.

    Apparently he can't pay his (shared house) rent.

    Seriously - 4k on shared rent? Where was he living, a penthouse in potts point with a view of the bridge?

    He lost his lic speeding and had his car impounded then got caught driving and got more fines.

    He did something illegal, more than once, and didn't KNOW it was illegal?

    His work has cut his hours cause he didn't want to work nights anymore.

    He didn't WANT to work?

    Fully sounds like someone who is quite used to having things handed to him on a plate and doesn't take responsibility for his own choices.

    Apologies OP but his behaviour and his excuses make the parenting look bad.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 16:41

    I would talk to him but let him (supervise him) deal with it but keep an eye on him just to make sure he is in the right direction and not getting in a serious trouble. As trouble could cause more problems.

  • Baebs on 11/10/2016 - 16:53
    +1

    Let him fall and pick himself up.

  • Shwayne on 11/10/2016 - 17:00

    All fines come with associated low interest loans (you need to contact them to organise a payment plan, don't just let it expire), tell your son to utilise them. (Unless you trust your son to pay you back as soon as he would pay back the loan.)

    Alternatively it can be completely postponed; http://www.sdro.nsw.gov.au/fines/eo/postpone.php

    If moving back in with you is on the table then there is zero reason you should have to bail him out of a "can't afford rent" situation.

    However if you don't want him moving back in with you (or it's not practical) you may just have to float your son. (Being kicked out onto the streets isn't exactly an appropriate life lesson.)

    You can bail your son out if you believe it will solve the long term issue (if he's just going to ask again next month you're not solving any problems), and if there's a chance he'll pay you back eventually.

    My parents once bailed me out of a very high fine for speeding when I was living on nothing, they said they'd pay me out as long as I promised to never speed again (or they'd ask for the money back immediately) and that once I had a full time salary that I would pay them back.

    I did pay them back in full after receiving my first pay check. I definitely appreciated that opportunity, but I'm sure it was not high risk for them.

  • Oofy Doofy on 11/10/2016 - 17:05

    Not enough information really. Either way I'd still go through everything and pay the debts out and then help him to sort his life out.

  • immortalbjr on 11/10/2016 - 17:41

    If theres one thing ive learnt in life its you dont solve other peoples money troubles by giving them money. It will get them out of a hole one time until they dig themselves the next one just around the corner.

    short version: give it to him, but work out how much he needs yourself and more importantly work out with him where he went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. $4000 is a nice round number, hes probably worked out he needs $3000-$3500 and wouldnt mind a $1000 to party it up next few weekends.

    Tough situation, all the best.

  • baggyred on 11/10/2016 - 17:41
    +7

    Tell him to start working nights, stop clubbing and learn the bus routes.

    Show him how to manage his money - because if you just hand over yours - no lesson will be learnt.

  • veej on 11/10/2016 - 17:46
    +1

    No way would I be handing over money to my kids if they did the above.

    Guess what happens to people who start bailing their kids out of trouble instead of letting them learn the hard way?

    It's the beginning of constantly handing over money every time. The only lesson they learn is that they have a backup plan. Who needs to be responsible if mummy/daddy is a walking bank.

    On top of that, he not only owes a lot of money but decides to stop working as many hours as well. That's what I'd do if I was scared for my financial security, quit work. Sure shows where his priorities lie and it's not trying to fix his own mess.

  • Bunnyburger on 11/10/2016 - 17:51
    +2

    You get what you give. Don't expect him to be thankful for the hard lesson you plan on teaching him. You'll need him someday and don't be surprised by the kind of son you've raised. If you don't have his back why should he have yours? There's a reason why he didn't ask you directly.

    • PJC on 11/10/2016 - 17:54
      +2

      Because he reckons Mum is softer. The debt was created by a sense of entitlement, not misfortune.

      • Bunnyburger on 11/10/2016 - 18:56
        +1

        If the son felt he was entitled to the father's money he wouldn't have asked. He's asking now, not demanding, not expecting, not throwing a millenial tantrum but asking. The father is entitled to tell his son to hit the road but he should be prepared for the same kind of treatment down the road. It's only fair. If you can't turn to your family for help, who else is out there?

        This grab yourself up by the boot straps and life of hard knocks mentality has to stop. The just world hypothesis where everyone deserves what's coming to them is a fallacy.

        • PJC on 11/10/2016 - 19:34
          +5

          He wants to drive dangerously, and then unlicensed, work less hours, and go clubbing while aware of his debts. That is not misfortune.

        • Bunnyburger on 11/10/2016 - 19:44
          +4

          @PJC: Did the son attribute any of the events to misfortune? Was misfortune used as an excuse to justify his request? Based on the best available information, the son made mistakes, owned up to them and is asking for help. No one is talking about misfortune here but you.

          "Dad/Mum I screwed up, I'm sorry I need your help. Please" is very different from "Dad/Mum I've fallen upon bad times, none of this should've happened to me, none of this is my fault. Give me $4000 so I can wipe out this mess".

  • Cwong14u on 11/10/2016 - 17:55
    +7

    I think i saw your son on Highway Patrol getting his car impounded the other week…

  • AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 18:12
    +1

    Nothing to add at this stage, I've said no/yes I want answers on where the money is going but I have not spoken with him personally myself and I am left wondering on how bailing him out is going to help him in the future as there seems to be some problems that we don't know about, owing all this money didn't happen just overnight and a normal person would endeavor to find a job and pay off said debits.

    • ProspectiveDarkness on 11/10/2016 - 18:39

      I am left wondering on how bailing him out is going to help him in the future

      Plenty of people have suggested the answer to this: use the money as leverage to bring about the actual change. The money should be a means to an end (beyond paying the debts). Impose conditions on it for him to clean up his act and make sure they're kept. Control the whole thing yourself if you have to. If you give the money blindly and just 'bail him out', it won't help. If you show him how to clean up his act, at the very least, you've given him a chance and did what you could as a parent.

      His current debt isn't the main problem. The problem is the trend. Unless you want to end up with him on the street or worse, I'd recommend you take some kind of action to help correct it. Yes, as many people have also said, he should be able to manage himself. But apparently he can't, and that's the reality you have to deal with.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 18:13
    +2

    I'd give him 2k and say he has to deal with the rest of it. If he is still unable to deal with a much smaller burden he's a lost cause.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 18:52
    -7

    Give him the 4k & improve on your parenting skills.

  • stumo on 11/10/2016 - 19:05
    +3

    lol 4k sounds like a nice round number. I'm sure hes added a few more beers onto your tab there to pad it out.

  • UFO on 11/10/2016 - 19:07
    +15

    OP… I beg you to listen to this advice.

    DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT lend your son money.

    Either give it to him with no strings or hang ups later (you can't ever bring it up in his face again), or don't give it to him (what I actually recommend). Lending it to him with conditions he is bound to break will only worsen the relationship between you. Once trust is broken like that, its very difficult to get back.

    "Business and Family do not mix"

    or

    "Money and Loved Ones do not mix"

    He's 20yo.
    He's still got at least 3 years (maybe a few more) of living in 'a fog' of immaturity, anger, and selfishness.
    then one day, he'll wake up and it'll be gone.

    He is also old enough to understand responsibility. Dropping his hours when he's in debt is NOT a logical solution.
    It's only $4k (very small amount), but even $4k can damage ones credit rating enough for lenders not to touch him.

    I'd offer him help in every other way other than direct money.

    You can move back in until you can save enough (but not for free).

    If he's got money to party it up every week and drop his responsibilities at work, then I'm sorry to say this… but he's got longer to fall yet.

    This mollycoddling bullcrap sprouted by some others here about you paying his debts because of his mental health is ridiculous.
    If you're concerned for his mental state, DONT PAY HIM A CENT. Pay for people to help him… DO NOT PAY HIM!

    If you bail him out now, you'll be bailing him out for the rest of your life and bigger amounts too.
    Draw the line in the sand here. Now. Assistance from you is always available. But it wont be cash.
    Mental health or not, he'll know there's always somewhere to turn. But not for money.
    Support, real options to turn his life around, a safe place to stay, a lift to an interview, maybe a Lowes business suit and a haircut… but NOT MONEY!!

    Don't let people here guilt you into doing anything otherwise.
    You'll always be there for your son.
    But you are a not a 'get out jail free' card to him.

    Source- I have been in the exact same situation as you…. as the son. I had (still have!) loving parents that SHOWED ME the right path to walk on when times were tough. They walked it with me, but they didn't put me on their back and do it for me.

    My debt was 5 times higher btw. I felt like I'd never pay off that $20K. But as long as you keep communication lines open and make sure you're always there no matter what, then there's no reason for him to think there is so much despair that he has to harm himself.

    If that happens…. CALL THE POLICE.
    They have powers that can protect him.
    You've got support if things turn that bad. BUT DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT.
    It's not about teaching him a lesson like a child. It's about showing him the path to manhood.

    • PJC on 11/10/2016 - 19:40

      There speaks the voice of experience.

    • Bunnyburger on 11/10/2016 - 19:58
      +4

      Nothing like a conviction to boost his income earning potential eh? /jk

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 19:11
    +2

    Tell him to show you the bills.
    Once he shows you, tell him you'll help but you'll only pay the bills directly. Do not fork over $4k or he'll just piss it away again.
    Unfortunately he needs a reality check.
    Also consider gambling problems and drugs.

    I would strongly suspect one of those leasiurely activities has become an addiction. Does he have an addictive personality? Needs instant gratification?

    Good luck bud.

  • superValue on 11/10/2016 - 19:17

    I know this is not directly related to your question by your wife saying "he is your son", and not saying he's "our son" would be a concern to me.

    • BartholemewH on 11/10/2016 - 21:10
      +1

      I think you are misunderstanding a turn of phrase and are missing the point of the thread.

  • FrugalDealHunter on 11/10/2016 - 19:31

    edit

  • SaberX on 11/10/2016 - 19:43

    FIrst things first ask him how $4,000 covers shared house rent? That's a lot of rent? Make sure if you are paying, it's really only rent and bare minimum. Somehow you have to tie it into him repaying it and changing ways: that's clubbing less, taking up extra work to pay for life, and learning to take public transport. Like the current ads say, lose your license: lose your life. You don't lose your car for nothing, and get fined for flouting that. So the only way is to get him to work the night shifts and pay his own for anything above and beyond rent. Perhaps help drop him off (if it isn't too far/hard) to work if it's night shifts. If he keeps living a lifestyle that he can't upkeep then you'll have to just set him dry and loose if you ask me.

    • AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 23:52

      I think the rent was $1200 plus expenses we were told $1500.

      • SaberX on 12/10/2016 - 01:33

        that's still $1,300 unaccounted for? And by $1,500 expenses, are you talking about his personal expenses? or expenses in addition to the rent that are owed for the house? If the former I'd be wondering/asking him why his own job isn't covering his personal expenses, and if he says /masks it with the fact that he's out partying and using it all up then it's up to you to have the stern talk about him wasting his money and expecting a bailout. I wouldn't give him the money if so. or only part of it, so you don't look too bad in his eyes yet still teach a good lesson.

  • Xetrok on 11/10/2016 - 19:50
    -1

    4k is nothing.
    He doesn't want to work nights? well shit, you gotta do what you gotta do sunshine.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 19:59
    +2

    I have a bad feeling about this thread. For some reason i feel uncomfortable not by the members replys but the OPs replys and that feeling….. i dont know.

    • AMLagonda on 11/10/2016 - 23:54

      We are discussing it tomorrow apparently.

  • Steptoe on 11/10/2016 - 20:02
    +10

    Option 3 - DNA Test 😈

  • AlanHB on 11/10/2016 - 20:21
    +1

    I'd refuse to give cash, but invite him to move back in with you.

    Any agreement to pay the money back will not be honoured.

    Also driving without a licence? Isn't there some criminal convictions to go with those fines?

  • MITM on 11/10/2016 - 20:25
    +1

    It's clear he needs help (tough love) and this is an opportunity not to be missed.
    Being 20 he probably knows it all, but you're in control of the outcome, after all its your money.
    After an honest discussion as to how it got to this point,
    prioritise and pay the bills that can be be receipted (rent). Negotiate payment plans with billers where possible (fines).
    Informal debts (to mates) remain his responsibility to pay for, as he is still working.
    Then total the bills you've paid, which becomes the loan amount and that no new loans will be considered until this loan is paid off.
    Agree to an amount he pays back each week for as long as it takes (maybe years) using a direct debit the day after his pay day. If he skips a payment, it gets added to the loan twice.
    The loaned amount is secured by his inheritance - yes, seriously and make it clear every week.
    Add to the loan conditions any intangibles you want, this isn't just about numbers. ie call to say Thank you or I love you every week until it's paid off.
    Buy you coffee once a month at a coffee shop you choose. Use the loan to build your relationship. It's an opportunity.
    Require a pee sample for testing to gaurantee you're not going to support a drug user. (You don't actually have it tested unless you suspect something, but it will moderate his clubbing)

    Airtasker is a great source of income if he's having his hours cut back.
    I hated night shift too, so no criticism from me there.

    Thinking left of field keeps them on their toes.
    For example, in the past I've removed my son's bedroom door to prevent "door slams" during adolescence, thus removing his privacy as a consequence, but I'm yet to have a $4k bill thrust upon me. I'd probably implement all of the above.

  • centrelink on 11/10/2016 - 20:34
    +1

    Yep, lending any money is a sign of weakness. I would not pay a cent.. Maybe I'll give my future son 5 cents if he was in the same situation as you.

    • misu p on 12/10/2016 - 09:52
      +1

      Yes, you do not want to show signs of weakness. Sooner of later the young cubs will challenge your position at the top of the heard and try to get with all the females. You will then have to fight a challenge from them and if you loose he will get all the young females of the heard while you will have to walk alone and think about your glory days.

  • Weezle on 11/10/2016 - 20:41
    +1

    Your son is after a get out of jail free card. Don't give it to him, it's his easy way out.

    Let him deal with it and he will realise it is just a life lesson in the end. Good luck

  • EnALup on 11/10/2016 - 20:51

    Have a word with him man to man and see what his intentions are. If he is not worried about his actions, then move on. Else definitely help and advise him how he can sort some issues.
    I don't recommend a contract or something, but a verbal commitment to pay it in some amount of time. If he doesn't, he wont be able to get more money from you in future.

    • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 22:09

      Do you wanna lend $4K and never see it again? Because that's how you lend $4K and never see it again.

      • EnALup on 12/10/2016 - 00:01
        +1

        Seriously? OP or parents have already spent more than that in the past. Because he is over 18 does not mean he does not need parents to guide them sometimes.

        • infinite on 12/10/2016 - 00:56

          Sometimes guiding with words is 100x more valuable than guiding with cash.

        • EnALup on 12/10/2016 - 07:45

          [@infinite](/comment/4076897 op/redir): Not this time for OP.

  • Kranbone on 11/10/2016 - 21:03
    +1

    This happened to me years back with a very close friend (well very similar, especially regarding the speeding/car and rent thing). He'd been behind on bills, rent and not carrying his weight. Toughest part was having "the chat" with him. He didn't speak to me for a while but in the end it had a profound impact on him.

    Nearly a decade on he's turned his life around.

  • AG_ACT on 11/10/2016 - 21:11
    -5

    Wow, there's a lot of tough love suggestions on here. Boy am I glad you guys aren't my parents. Family is supposed to have your back no matter what!

    I'm not suggesting you should just give him 4k (or any amount), put conditions on the money, make him work for it, make him beg for it, do whatever you need to do as a parent to make sure he actually gets out of trouble, and not uses the money to dig himself into a bigger hole, but be a parent; he's your son!

    • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 22:18

      Saying no to the 20yr old is just one of those hard life decisions you need to make as a good parent. No amount of money helps anyone who makes reckless financial and legal decisions. The son needs to be shown how to manage his money, how to repay his debts and what it means to face the consequences of decisions he made that put other peoples lives & financial well-being at risk.

      • AG_ACT on 12/10/2016 - 05:29
        -1

        Guess everyone has their own perfectly valid views on life. OPs choices are just that, but my view is that the world is full of "oppportunities to learn", you don't need more learning opportunities from your family, you need guidance and support. There are a million and one ways he can be taught to pay the money back…. not lending it to him because of how he accrued the debt is a bank, not family. In fact even banks will give u a personal loan if you can demonstrate the ability to pay it back… surely as good parents you know exactly where your kids pressure points and can easily ensure it comes back.

  • [Deactivated] on 11/10/2016 - 21:12

    Tell him to move back in lol. He'll learn soon enough and you can keep on eye on him

  • T1OOO on 11/10/2016 - 21:21
    +1

    What wrong with ur kid mate. Broke the law and the did it anyways ? I have nfi what kids are doing these days. Bloody absolute brats. Let him deal with it. Can't stand this sort of bs

    • AG_ACT on 12/10/2016 - 05:34

      I hope that when u r old, u r never in hospital for a stupid injury you could have easily prevented with some common sense but if u r, I hope your kid doesn't let you "deal with it" and think "can't stand this sort of…"

      • T1OOO on 12/10/2016 - 07:11

        If it was coz I broke the law and I didn't learn my lesson I'd be a disgrace.

    • Christop86 on 12/10/2016 - 14:48

      Products of their experiences and environment just like you (mate)

      Older people have thought the exact same thing about new generations of young people for a long time. The 60's were a much bigger shift.

      Basically - you'd likely be the exact same as them if you had grown up in their place.

      I wouldn't pay the debt - I'd engage him in setting up a plan to help get it done, which might include moving home for a short time.

  • kasp on 11/10/2016 - 21:40
    +2

    You can always meet in the middle.

    Get him to show you his finances and first work out if he can afford to service his debts and live.

    If he can't work with him and supply out the bare minimum on a monthly basis to assist.

    The last thing you want to do is hand him 4000 dollars as he will just get straight back into debt.

  • jdiddy on 11/10/2016 - 21:42

    At the end of the day he is your son. Blood is thicker than water. 4000 for him might be a lot and for you it might be poo change but at the end of the day, he has learnt his lesson. I don't blame him for wanting to work nights and wanting to live a little. As a parent you need to be constructive, see where his money is going, sit down and put it all on a spreadsheet. But also create some conditions if you are going to help him.

  • niner on 11/10/2016 - 21:45

    Bring him home. Make him quit the party life and binge drinking.

    • infinite on 11/10/2016 - 22:19

      That will just enable him to continue partying & being able to do it harder, as he no longer has the financial responsibility of paying rent.

      • niner on 11/10/2016 - 22:21

        Only if you don't know how to discipline your child. There needs to be action taken by the parents. Some type of deal struck.

        I come from a conservative household and we're more accommodating instead of just leaving him out on the street to fend for himself. Twenty year olds are still immature and need to be taught with a bit of compassion.

        • infinite on 12/10/2016 - 01:00
          +1

          20 years old's aren't children, they are adults. They don't need to be coddled by anyone. You can show compassion and still not piss $4K up the wall on excusing your adult son from the financial and legal consequences of his shockingly poor decisions. Emotional support and financial support are different things entirely.

        • niner on 12/10/2016 - 01:28

          @infinite:

          I never said "piss $4K up the wall".

          I said "bring him home". It's better for him to be safe than out on the street. The debt can be worked out later.

          Are you even a parent?

  • shalala on 11/10/2016 - 22:16

    If he owes 4k before the hours are cut I don't think your money will help much. Try to learn his mental state, work out the income and list all the regular expenses (that's what I did) and have a plan to pay off the debt (need to work out all the debts he has). That way you teach your son how to budget and manage finances, an important lesson in life.

    Also bring him home is one good way to study your son and help reduce the debt.

  • sleet on 11/10/2016 - 22:53
    +1

    Wow. As a child growing up I rarely relied on my parents help.

    They do help me financially but are always there when I needed a lift to school because I was late or words of encouragement when I applied for a job. I was told that they pushed me that hard work was for my own benefit.

    Never in my life have I asked my parents to help me with big debt, asked for a lift from a night out clubbing or asked for money to buy a new pair of shoes. All those activities and luxuries I learned I had to work for it.

    Your son needs life lessons and as the poster above has said, dont lend the money. They need to learn to stand on his own two feet.

    • niner on 12/10/2016 - 01:30

      asked for a lift from a night out clubbing

      As a parent, I would want you to do that. My dad gave picked me up from a night of clubbing (I was 19) once. He was more grateful than I was. I rarely ever went clubbing after that day.

      • sleet on 12/10/2016 - 08:35

        I can definitely understand that. But one of my friends would call his dad for a lift all the time at 2, 3am at night. I think its ridiculous to make parents pick up their children in the early hours because they chose to go out.
        I went and drank responsiblyish and got home safely with good friends. I would never bother my parents at 3am for clubbing.

  • timetoquit on 11/10/2016 - 22:59
    +1

    Wow your son sounds like me when I was his age. Lots of speeding fines, partying, clubbing, ricer racing, disqualifications, court fees, massive credit card bills ($50k +)

    I wanted desperately to ask my parents for help but decided to try get myself out of it. Took almost 8 years to pay off all my debts.

    If my parents had helped me out I can honestly say my money managing skills wouldn't be anywhere where it's at present day. Although being on ozbargain everyday does not help!!!!!!! 😣😣😣

    Tough call though OP, to me $4000 is such a small amount for the lessons he should hopefully learn although It took me till I was about 24 to actually realise the dumbshit I did.

  • NickosFoivos on 11/10/2016 - 23:35
    +1

    He is your son. You need to support him, no matter what. He is very young.

    Help him with his dept but put some terms, like find a way he can "work" for repaying his shit. An example, make him do your houserwork or help you with your business or work.

    And of course, be by his side and know what is happening in his life, so you can guide him accordingly.

    Being a parent is an expensive sport.

  • eneloop on 11/10/2016 - 23:52
    +3

    Wost parent ever asking a bunch of cheap bastards

    • niner on 12/10/2016 - 01:31

      I think ozbargain is filled with a lot of working class people. They may like to be frugal, but that doesn't mean they're dirt poor.

    • ozguy on 12/10/2016 - 02:37

      Don't feel right to up or down vote, but um … I hear you!

  • berry580 on 12/10/2016 - 00:04
    +1

    He's your son doesn't make you his ATM.

  • Lancerx on 12/10/2016 - 02:13

    Hate to tell the truth, but the fact that you had to ask this question in social forum is partly the reason how your son is behaving today..

    • GregMonarch on 12/10/2016 - 03:09
      +5

      That's just nasty. Reading things written down helps clarify our own thoughts. And maybe the dad never had a father of his own to learn from. We don't know all the details.

  • ozguy on 12/10/2016 - 02:36
    -2

    With respect to the OP and the initial post, it is provocative and so surely results in multiple commonsense responses.

    Rent is not $4000, at least, not in a standard down to earth periodic agreement.

    The "'lessons" in life'" must come at a personal cost.

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