Fiancé wants me to sign a pre-nup

freedomtrader on 18/07/2014 - 07:58

Hi,

Me and the fiancé were discussing about purchasing some property just recently and she basically wanted to ask what I thought about a pre-nup. Honestly, I was expecting this to come-up at some stage of our relationship - she comes from a family where getting ahead and making money is KING. I come from a more traditional type of family where family unit is KING. She has more assets (and loves to rub my nose in it when she can). We make about the same amount of money. Does anyone know of any good pre-nup or collaborative lawyers who won't rip me off? I get the feeling this pre-nup will be heavily skewed in her favour so we'll need to negotiate to make it fair. Also do you recommend I get out my own pre-nup?

Financial

Comments

  • johnno07 on 20/07/2014 - 10:20
    +3

    This is one of the most depressing things I've read in a while. You've got to do what's right for you, man - and this lady does not sound like the right thing. Best of luck!

  • robertxx74 on 20/07/2014 - 11:30
    +14

    I married a woman because I wanted to have a child and so did she. Parents were encouraging, she had more assets. I made sure the money was split 50/50 on everything. She used to cry a lot too. Always emotional blackmail.

    I knew from the beginning that the relationship was doomed, as I think you do.

    What I didn't count on was on how hard it is to separate after the child is born. We split the money evenly, but the custody was a different matter. I'm still fighting it in the courts.

    You can protect yourself money wise no problem. It's not that hard, but think harder about the children you'll have. If you can't cooperatively make decisions in a adult way now, how much harder will it be when you are separated but still have to make decisions together because of your children.

    Despite being divorced, it's as if I'm stuck in that crappy relationship and because I am committed to my child I'm not even free. I'm stuck living in a country and a city that I really do not like any more, and I have to pay for the priviledge. What will be the consequences for my child or for me?

    Listen to the advice here. It is impartial. Friends and family are not impartial. They all have a vested interest one way or another.

    Even if you'll be lonely,

    RUN.

    • compugrid on 20/07/2014 - 20:03

      deleted

    • lplau on 20/07/2014 - 21:40

      Having a prenup just means there is 1 less thing to fight about when you get divorced.

  • Epyc on 20/07/2014 - 15:03

    Alarm bells! Alarm bells! Alarm bells!

  • lolmao on 20/07/2014 - 17:18

    run

  • Ayanami on 20/07/2014 - 18:58
    +15

    Whilst well meaning, there is a lot of legal misinformation in these comments. There's also some truth; but a lot of misinformation.

    Take it from me as an experienced lawyer who drafts these things:

    • The equivalent of a 'pre-nup' in Australia is a Binding Financial Agreement ('BFA').
    • They can be entered into before, during or after a de facto relationship or marriage.
    • They are provided for in legislation and are binding if done properly.
    • If binding, they can only be set aside in very narrow circumstances.
    • Don't leave it to the last minute. Sometimes, if they're done too close to the wedding, they can be set aside because the proximity to the wedding and the threat of not going ahead with it can amount to undue pressure/duress and invalidate the BFA.
    • It is highly unlikely that you will get a decent and effective BFA for $1,000.00
    • In order to be binding, both of you will have to get independent legal advice about the BFA before signing it.
    • That advice should include advice as to the advantages and disadvantages of entering into the BFA.
    • As a result, each of your lawyers will need to go through your history to date and advise as to what might happen if you did not enter into the BFA and then were to split up. This would take into account the de facto laws etc.
    • Accordingly, across two lawyers, assuming no negotiations as to terms with the lawyers and one of the lawyers drafts the agreement, combined you'd be looking at costs in the region of $5,000.00
    • As always, you get what you pay for.

    The above is not legal advice, merely some general information about the relevant law. Go pay for some proper advice.

    Some people object to BFAs on principle as 'planning to fail'. I disagree. You don't buy car insurance with the intention of crashing your car. But they're not for everybody. A BFA can be a useful way of avoiding a lot of arguments and fighting down the road. Sometimes they achieve that goal. Sometimes they don't. They're just a tool, not a cure all panacea.

    There is also a lot of good (and questionable) life advice in these comments. Your situation does not sound ideal. Best wishes.

    • Ayanami on 20/07/2014 - 22:03
      +1

      Oh, and I forgot to mention; a BFA does not have to provide for a division where you each keep what you had prior to the relationship. They can state pretty much anything you want (within reason obviously).

  • Hikey on 20/07/2014 - 18:59

    Mate, this is your life and it's your only one. Don't get into this. Run and hit the reset button. Maybe a job in another city, get some distance between you and your parents if you believe they influence your decisions too much.

  • ThatAnnoyingAsian on 20/07/2014 - 20:31
    +1

    Haven't you heard Gold Digger by Kanye West?
    'If you ain't no punk, holla we want pre-nup WE WANT PRE-NUP yeaaaa'

  • cobRAJ on 20/07/2014 - 21:21

    The question you have to ask yourself, is do you want your kids to grow up with one set of grandparents who are "ultra-competitive."

    Also, if something goes wrong in the future and you do have kids, it seems your fiances family could afford much better lawyers. So if you do have kids, you might not get to see them etc.

    +1 for pre-marriage counselling
    If everything is good, then it will stay good.
    If anything is wrong, then at least you can deal with it in front of a 3rd party, and have all the problems documented.
    You seem like a nice guy, so if anything, this is protective for you in the future.

  • lplau on 20/07/2014 - 21:39
    +1

    The other way of thinking about it.
    Why wouldn't you want a pre-nup? It works both ways, you can have one against her.

    So in some ways, if she was so insecure and think you are a gold digger then doing a pre-nup would ease her mind and make it look like you aren't a gold digger.

    In the end basically you will be same off as you were before you got married than after you got married.
    If you wanted to be better off though when in case you do break up, then you don't sign the pre-nup. (Gold Digger cough cough).

    All depends on how you want to look at it, I have had friends who were in a similar situation as you, however it was the guy who was super rich and had everything (except for a prenup), yup it happened and they were left worse off than before.

    Just put yourself in her shoes, imagine yourself being rich, would you leave it chance that you won't break up? there is always a chance, people change, why shouldn't you secure yourself so you don't change (financially)?

    There has been plenty of articles saying when a breakup happens, the female actually loses ALOT more than the male. Due to various factors such as, giving up their career for the family which often happens.

    If you love her then sign it and if she loves you then she will sign yours. Ensure you get separate lawyers.

    Don't over think about it, she isn't saying anything she just wants to secure her future just in case.
    Prenups are sorta like buying out a insurance policy, however this isn't for if you die, or if you get injured, it is for if you get divorced. So nothing is certain, having a prenup doesn't mean you have to use it, it will just give you and her peace of mind.

  • Clementt on 20/07/2014 - 23:02

    I just signed up to give my opinion.

    Your parents is probably retired by now. All their life, they have been working hard to feed you, nurture you, bring you up to be a fine young man and at the same time provide everything they can for you.
    They are proud of you more than their assets, thus they are willing to sell the house away for "You".
    They do this not because of their ego and pride. They do this so that you will not be looked down upon by the richer family, in this case, your fiancée and her family. Hopefully, by doing this, your fiancee and her family can looked upon you as reliable.

    However, I have seen family that bend behind their back to sell of their hard-earned property and money to give to their children. To a parents, you will always be children, no matter how old you are. As the politician always says, children is our future, and to your parents, you are their future. Are you willing to let your parents suffer for your own marriage?

    This seems like family guy, except your fiancée is not Lois.

    Pre-nup, trust fund, and etc doesn't hold properly as when it get to court, it will be depend on how the court divide the assets. As everyone has said, the court will always favour the women, especially if you have any children. A marriage is based on trust, if you don't trust the other person, no matter what you sign on a piece of paper, it won't hold. Marrying a person = marrying the person good and bad and whatever burden it comes with. Also, if one party is rich, wouldn't he/she would love to help the other person advanced their career instead of rubbing their nose in it. Maybe someone people might said that she is being rational and try to protect herself in case things go south and use the pre-nup as an insurance. But as I said, pre-nup won't hold and it will always favour the women.

    The pre-nup is not in favor of you, so this is what I thought might help and I am not sure if it will protect you legally so consults your lawyers.

    Anyway, in case your parents did sell the house to fund the wedding. Then would it be wiser to have a loan contract or agreement with your parents as a creditors, as in borrowing money from your parents so you can fund your wedding. I am not sure if this is how it works but in case your marriage go south, wouldn't the court rule that you pay back your creditors first (Parents)? Or you can file for bankruptcy worse to worse. I am not sure how it works to protect yourself equally with your fiancee or wife once you get married. Alternatively, what if you open a secret account in Non-Commonwealth Country to avoid trace or force compliant to have your details or fund released in case marriage go south and go to court?

  • sal78 on 20/07/2014 - 23:33
    +1

    Prenup or not it sounds like there are underlying issues. It's really important to have a strong solid foundation before you get married. I highly recommend that you guys do the pre marriage foundation course. If you wed in a catholic church, they require couples to do the course. Marriage is forever. For us, divorce is not even an option ever. We did the foundation course and after we got married we did fortnightly meet ups of marriage enrichment with 4 other couples for 2 yrs. We still meet about once a year for couples retreat which is like a workshop for marriage enrichment.

    yes no marriage is perfect and its damn hard work but even harder to start off on the wrong foot. we have bern married 12 yrs.

  • chiuy on 21/07/2014 - 00:13

    I think it really comes down to what you believe about marriage and relationships. That's going to determine if a pre-nup is an option or not.

    Do you mind telling us what you believe about marriage? Is possibly incompatible with what they think marriage is?

  • hahaboy on 21/07/2014 - 00:54

    what's your background/heritage freedomtrader?

    Without stereotyping, I'm suspecting asian/indian background? Are they strongly pushing you to pursue the marriage, and you feeling trapped and not wanting to disappoint them or anyone else?

    If so, I promise you, you will have a very meh/average life, as you are sacrificing what is important to you when it really matters. It may be insanely painful for everyone to go through the process of breaking up/not pursuing a wedding if you're not happy in the relationship….but in the end you will be happier down the track.

    Hopefully i've correctly identified your situation, and this resonates with you when you are reading this. You will need to get courageous in this sitatation and do what will make you happy.

    • JPerez on 22/07/2014 - 20:33
      -5

      Not all Asians are money hungry, it is mainly the Chinese or Chinese based traditions that are like that.

      • beatwixkid on 23/07/2014 - 20:34
        -3

        Thank you. As a someone of Filipino ethnicity I'm finding some of these comments offensive. Please don't paint all Asians with the same brush. Guessing O.P.'s fiancee's background is not particularly relevant anyway.

        • StewBalls on 24/07/2014 - 10:11
          +4

          Guessing O.P.'s fiancee's background is not particularly relevant anyway.

          Spot on! IME no particular culture or race has a monopoly on greed, there seems to be plenty of global support for a$$holes of all creeds! ;)

        • mooboy on 24/07/2014 - 10:35
          +3

          So you don't want all Asians painted with same brush, but happy for all Chinese to be painted with the same one?
          But we agree that the OP's and fiancees background is totally irrelevant.

        • tonyjzx on 17/08/2014 - 14:47
          -1

          @mooboy:

          yes, dont paint asians as all the same GOT_RICE

  • [Deactivated] on 21/07/2014 - 01:08

    Nothing says true love like a binding legal document outlining who gets what when it all falls apart.

    I also find it apt that the OPs name is freedomtrader because freedom is what it sounds l ike you're about to trade.

    • Daabido on 21/07/2014 - 01:16

      "also find it apt that the OPs name is freedomtrader because freedom is what it sounds like you're about to trade."

      Especially when your fiancé discovers this post. Five minutes on the 'net and I think with about 90% certainty I know who you are. Get the mods to delete your post or change your username.

  • Utopian on 21/07/2014 - 01:15
    +2

    "She has more assets (and loves to rub my nose in it when she can)."
    No Good, mate.

    I had a house built, when the mrs and I were only semi-together. She lived abroad, and we kept things open. Kinda a long term fling. I also owned a $30k car. She was a student, with nothing. $10k debts. I sold my dream car (diff one) just to move abroad to be with her. Ask her for half?! No, man.

    By the time we committed, lived together fell in love (all together, few years later), it wasnt even a question, for me.

    House had appreciated $50k, plus $30k car. It's YOURS, I said. It's OURS, I pushed. Package deal. I have my pros/cons. She has, too. She was a foreigner, visa hassles (and everything else related) Can't split any of that.

    I committed to her, all inclusive.

    I really don't know how to value a relationship that picks and chooses what's shared.

  • twww on 21/07/2014 - 02:23
    +1

    Dude. Don't sell the biggest asset to pay for something silly as a wedding. This just spells trouble!

  • benjamin on 21/07/2014 - 09:30
    -1

    Just say "NO" to any prenump as you want the marriage to be based on love and trust.

    If she then pulls out of the wedding, its her fault, and you're free!

    • lplau on 21/07/2014 - 09:42

      Lol, it also makes it that much enticing for the guy to pull out of the wedding as he gets rewarded with half of the assets from the wife. e.g. guy doesn't bother to try to fix the relationship as the payday is better.

      Believe me money changes people, by using a prenup it takes money out of the equation.

      Remember she can have a prenup, it doesn't prevent you from having a prenup too.

      The stereotype of a Gold Digger seems to be always the woman doing it, however men also do it. Its not one sided.

  • letthiswork1 on 21/07/2014 - 09:42
    +1

    If you need a Pre-Nup you don't deserve to get married. Isn't marriage meant to be forever? Why do you have to make a backout plan seems redicoulous to me. Obviously you don't love and trust each other enough

    • lplau on 21/07/2014 - 09:47
      +1

      Always good to have a backout plan, especially for a woman who generally loses more due to more family commitment.

      My friend has been through 3 marriages, now at 50 he has almost nothing, he was too naive to believe that marriages are meant to be forever.

      Like anything there is a heads and tails, there is 2 sides. If marraige is meant to be forever, why do they allow you to get divorced? they should make a law to not allow that.

      • JibberJabber on 22/07/2014 - 22:45
        +1

        You make a backup plan if you expect the possibility of failure with your original plan. Why bother with marriage, as an original plan, if you expect it to fail?

        Marriage is meant for two people who love each other, not who think love each other.

  • BH1 on 21/07/2014 - 10:09
    +9

    The family sound like the "Ferengi" from Star Trek.
    Rules of acquisition:
    10. Greed is eternal
    17. A contract is a contract is a contract…..
    18. A Ferengi/man without profit is no man at all.
    21. Never place friendship above profit.
    23. Nothing is more important than your health… Except for your money.

    OP you have been given a WEALTH OF ADVICE from the people of Ozbargain.
    Majority/all are saying not to progress with this relationship.
    That's up to you.
    You REALLY have to stand in firm to these people/really everyone actually.

    1. Sounds like they don't trust you to begin with.

      • Have you given them a reason? Answer yourself(you seem nice).

    2. DO NOT spend any time/stress/money on forwarding this pre-nup till you have spoken to your fiancé, her family and your family. All should be present at once(there's a reason for this and you will see it and hopefully "ACT" accordingly once recognised).

    3. You are "Cattle" to them.

      • if your "fiancé" doesn't eat you up, then the family will
        "Fillet" you anyway.

    4. Any person who puts another person down because they have more "wealth" than the other in the material sense has some psychological issues themselves.
      If this person somehow had no money or have much less money how are they gonna be? Answer yourself.

    Someone here said "grow a pair", that's right on.
    Someone said "take break from this relationship". Right on.
    Someone said "you have only one life………". Right on.
    Most/all are saying "no more". Up to you.

    You have & been given knowledge but that is not power.
    POWER is what YOU DO with that knowledge.

    They know your weak and are using their power to control you.

    Which ever way you choose "yes & progress" or "no goodbye", RISE UP & SHOW YOUR POWER!

  • TQS on 21/07/2014 - 10:25
    +2

    RUN & dun look back! If you still love & care about ur parents… Dun let 'em sell their property to fund for a ridiculous wedding. Traditionally it's the groom's family that should be paying for everything for most Asian peeps & other way around for Western peeps. However, If you have a job n both earning good money, you should really be paying for all the expenses yourself…. Either that or dun get married at all. Bottom line is if she cares about her money & assets… Most likely she's not the right one for u and the marriage probably will not last… Why risk losing your parents property as well ? Seriously, How are u gonna face them? Just grow up!!

  • allyemil on 21/07/2014 - 10:29
    +2

    Honestly, I was expecting this to come-up at some stage of our relationship - she comes from a family where getting ahead and making money is KING. I come from a more traditional type of family where family unit is KING. She has more assets (and loves to rub my nose in it when she can).

    Mate, i know you want to make everyone happy here, including your family, but take my word for it, nobody will be happy if this blows up, you will be the one suffering the most of all, especially if there are kids involved.

    The quoted bit is something you seriously should be worried about. She is already rubbing your nose in it and you guys are not even sharing your finances yet. Everything you said just screams "get out of it while you still can without any major consequences".

    I understand you might love her and i understand you want your family to be happy by giving them some grandchildren, but in the long run, it may be more painful for you and your family if you get divorced and then the kids have to be dragged between you and her. Most importantly, it will be mostly unfair for the kids.

    As i said, all the signs are there and I would seriously reconsider planning any future with this person, but good luck and i hope it all works out for you.

  • KingstonTheNotSoWise on 21/07/2014 - 12:13

    I think pre-nups are fine if it's purely to benefit both parties i.e. whatever assests you earn and own are your own and same vice versa for your S.O. But by the sounds of it, this relationship doesn't sound too successful or like a pleasant 1. She likes to rub your nose in the fact she has more than you to put you down and you're marrying her?

  • Tuttorix on 21/07/2014 - 12:21

    Don't run. Just simply, walk out. But this sounds like a bad situation honestly…

  • aussieaubs on 21/07/2014 - 12:33
    +3

    when signing a pre-nup watch this video first… from seinfeld… hehe

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVUS3aQLT7M

  • isidore12 on 21/07/2014 - 13:18

    Reading few comments, I feel you are not happy, and as for everyone, making important decision changing you life is something scary.

    I would strongly suggest you postpone the wedding and live together for a time. It will dissipate the doubts about marrying her or not.

    I think "how it starts" is good indicator "how it is going to be", and personally her request would raise a RED flag for me.

    It may be also legitimate, in that case, contact your OWN lawyer. You need to defend your interests as she seems very eager to defend hers.

    And remember, if you are weak now, there is little chance that you will be left in peace in the relationship, she will certainly push as hard as she can, to get what she wants.

    It's your life… sometimes one needs to hit the wall to understand that hitting walls is not desirable.

  • Blugok on 21/07/2014 - 13:18
    +5

    OP: Hey fiance, I'm going to work back tonight.
    Here's a site for you to read, lots of bargain and deals!! love it!!
    https://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/153175

    Fiance: Thanks a lot love
    (reading… reading…)

    Fiance: Wow, that fiance mentioned on the forum is such a b***h
    OP: err… I think it's talking about you

    What surprised me is that your fiance doesn't actually know about this ozbargain site.
    She is your fiance. Surely she has seen you access this site once a while and ask what those orange colour site are?

    Either she is not interested in bargains (or what you're doing) coz she's filthy rich or you are pretty good at hiding stuffs from her.

  • diddy50 on 21/07/2014 - 13:38
    +4

    This whole thread is just plain wrong.
    Some great advice and I still think it is fake.

    No one is so stupid to let their parents mortgage or sell their house for a wedding, that is selfish.
    Marry a girl because other people want it.
    Doesn't trust the girl he is suppose to love.

    It honestly sounds like a bad Bollywood drama

    EDIT: fake as in you are full of shit as this surely could not happen in real life…how?! WTF…

    • sparkles on 21/07/2014 - 14:57
      +3

      There are cultures where people marry out of obligation to family, this happens in Australia all the time, it's not rare. People marry for all sorts of reasons - money, power, beauty, status, pregnancy, age, societal expectation, nationality etc etc. People are constantly marrying people incompatible, simply look at the divorce rate. Some people may be cool with cleaning their parents out, figuring they will get it or should get it all in the end anyway. Although this thread does seem troll-esque, it could also be quite plausible.

    • scrimshaw on 21/07/2014 - 17:00
      +2

      OP's case doesn't surprise me. I have seen and met people who are exactly like what the OP describes, extremely materialistic and loves money more than anything.

      "I'd rather cry in the back seat of a BMW than smile on a back of a bike," is the common attitude of a certain segment of young Chinese girls when they are looking for wealthy partners.

  • lindol on 21/07/2014 - 14:11

    hey dude,
    your fiancee is really rich..right?
    if you change your mind and will not go ahead with the marriage, then please forwards my details to her. if she is truly rich, i'll sign any number of prenups she wants me to, we will have two children and …wait for it….there's more, i'll give her my virginity.
    signed: show me da money

    • This Guy on 22/07/2014 - 16:08
      +1

      Last time I checked, shallow marriages like the one you proposed require:

      A rich partner (tick)
      A smoking hot sex machine ("cough" virgin "cough")

      Hit the gym, find a calorie restricted diet that shows off your abs, stop touching your face/wash your sheets (pimples), get good at sex and reapply in two years.

      If you didn't notice, OP's in it for the money too:
      "Also do you recommend I get out my own pre-nup?"

  • surm on 21/07/2014 - 14:17
    +4

    This sounds like trolling to me. I hope it is.

  • peterpeterpumpkin on 21/07/2014 - 14:36
    +5

    I assume this is trolling - the gradual release of more crushingly painful information is how I would troll for comedic effect. Although my Indian friend went through a similar dilemma but that was a cultural arrangement.

    On the flipside, you haven't experienced real adulthood until your first divorce. That telltale sign of bitterness and regret on your forehead is a sign of maturity that I hope to never encounter though. Older men often say that having kids is their greatest accomplishment and a lot of women in their 30s are definitely "settling" rather than going for their preferred choices for the sake of having children. Is it worth it?

    • hahaboy on 21/07/2014 - 22:23
      +1

      Trolls are meant to be funny, and laughing at someone's expense.

      Sharing a fairly realistic/possible scenario and people giving real advice is not trolling.

  • juventino on 21/07/2014 - 14:51
    +1

    As advised by many, OP is currently on the run, preferably with another woman

    • lplau on 21/07/2014 - 14:53

      Lol, if he is on the run, why don't he just man up and get back to reality?
      Unless the girl has hired hitmen, then I can see why he would want to make a runner.

      He hasn't even got married and he wants to hide from the woman…. I can't imagine what would happen after 10 yrs…

    • sparkles on 21/07/2014 - 15:02

      I'm curious to know what happened with the OP, or at the very least be trolled some more. If it's real, hope everythings OK.

  • andrewz on 21/07/2014 - 14:55

    Let the bloke do what he wants hahaha poor bastard is probably half way to Mexico to run away from it all.

    We learn from out mistakes, if this happens to be a mistake, you will learn from it.

  • mudguts on 21/07/2014 - 15:11

    only you know the relationship you are in, so ignore what everyone else thinks and have a long hard think about what YOU want. Make the decision and stick to it. If you decide to be with her, support her 100% and do what is best for your marriage. If you decide to leave, stick to your guns and walk out with your chest out and ready to enjoy the abundance of hot single women.

    Good luck.

  • lindol on 21/07/2014 - 15:28
    -2

    noooooo…tell me this is not trolling.
    otherwise i have been needlessly saving my virginity all these years in the hope of giving it to a rich girl.
    show me da money

  • abc on 21/07/2014 - 16:05
    -3

    Too many tl;dr's here to mention. However you all seem to be guys who say that the OP should call off the wedding because the Bride To Be is a money hungry B****.

    Well what if the shoe was on the other foot? A man with assets marrying a woman with nothing wants a pre-nup, you would all be like 'the pre-nup is a must'.

    Smells a bit of hypocrisy on this thread…

    • StewBalls on 21/07/2014 - 16:10
      +3

      Too many tl;dr's here to mention.

      Maybe you should read a few of them & get back to us when you have a more firm grasp of the actual arguments & rationales for said advice…just sayin'! ;)

      • daveted on 21/07/2014 - 16:32
        +2

        Or just read the OP's posts, and where his heart is at.
        You'll see why everyone is saying what they're saying.

        • lindol on 21/07/2014 - 16:58

          Hey OP,
          wanna make a substitution with me?
          how many substitutions are allowed in the prenup?
          i can sub for you for the next 6 months or so and sign the prenup for you
          show me da money

  • aMaiZing on 21/07/2014 - 17:35
    +13

    I hope you consider the advise people gave you OP. Run ! pre-nup aside,it seems that your family and her family have very different values. My brother is a country manager of one of the top airline in the world (Not MAS), married someone who came from a wealthier family than mine. Lavish wedding was thrown at mostly my parents cost, while 70% guests were from her side. My parents has to put up with her controlling family throughout their marriage, they always look down on us. Fast forward 15 years, my sister, and I were planning for my parents retirement, we want them to get Australian residency so we can look after them here in Australia. I asked my brother to share the migration cost, he said "NO, I have 3 mouths to feed (wife not working, 2 daughters)". I said fine, my sister and I just paid for my mum's migration first ($50k), as we didn't have enough money to pay for 2 people, I mentioned to him, dad will be his responsibility. 6 months after my mum residency being approved, my dad had a heart attack, cost $20k for the surgery. My brother emailed me to ask me to chip in for the cost, I was battling cancer myself at that time, but I don't want to be the bad guy, I proposed to him we can share the cost of surgery + mum's migration cost + dad's future migration cost. His wife intercepted the email between me and my brother, she said my brother's salary isn't even enough for her and the kids, she sometimes have to ask her own mother for some money, and added how embarrassing that is. She added they have a mortgage to pay (like as if I don't ??) , they already have an apartment, but just bought a new condo in Singapore because she wants face in front of her family. My brother is an expat, gets relocated every few years, they never have to pay for rent, medications ,or airline tickets or hotels when they are travelling! What I am trying to say is, you see how different the way she thinks and how we think, our values are different, for her 5 star hotel is not enough, for us 3 star hotel is more than enough, my brother is top manager, how come there is not enough money to feed wife and 2 daughters, a rickshaw guy overseas can feed 6 children. I feel really sorry for my brother, he must be under a lot of pressure to impress her and her family.By what you are telling us about your future wife, it is likely to happen to you too, one day you want to do something for your parents with your money, she may not even allow you to do so. And when you have children, she may wants to raise differently, and put values in them that she inherit from her family. My sister in law wants my nieces to go to high network school that cost a lot of money.
    Her family might continue to put pressure on your marriage, and your family. Please get out asap while you can. I myself is in a relationship with a guy that we both have our own asset separately, no pre-nup necessary, if we decide to end it we just walk out with our own asset, I trust him enough to not touch my asset, and I will not touch his (well.. he has more :P). I guess it will be different if there is children involved, but then again I know that when things fall apart, we both will work together for the best interest of our children. You should be with someone with a good heart and good intention, someone you know that even when you dont love each other anymore, they will not try to hurt you. Good luck

    • lolmao on 21/07/2014 - 17:53

      tl;dr

      • juventino on 22/07/2014 - 00:10
        +4

        B*tch sucked dem asset dry and poor guy got no happy ending.

  • bragains on 21/07/2014 - 18:22
    +2

    I'll get down voted for this but you need to gtfo. Don't sign up for a lifelong experience of stilettos pinching on your scrotum.

    • hahaboy on 21/07/2014 - 22:24
      +3

      why do you think you'd be downvoted. Almost everyone here has given the same advice. haha

  • mboks on 21/07/2014 - 20:25
    +1

    well lol, wonder how this will pan out in less than 5 years time…perhaps OP needs to fast forward 5 yrs from now and picture life as it will be together..? Hope the parents haven't sold their property yet, a wedding can still be cancelled with minimal financial damage.

    • juventino on 22/07/2014 - 00:13
      +1

      OP will be driving Yaris running errands and Wife with BMW for important 'meeting'.

  • sleet on 21/07/2014 - 21:22
    +1

    If anything, please keep us updated on what your decisions are please! Hope it works out for the best.

  • nahi11 on 21/07/2014 - 23:15

    I think you are trading away your freedom at a bad price.

  • Davo1111 on 21/07/2014 - 23:50

    She has more assets (and loves to rub my nose in it when she can).

    I get the feeling this pre-nup will be heavily skewed in her favour so we'll need to negotiate to make it fair.

    Just on those two statements alone i'd say this is not a healthy relationship.

  • Bobby Hill on 22/07/2014 - 06:13
    +1

    OP. From what YOU have written, if you cannot see what is wrong with the picture, then you deserve the outcome, because one way or another this "marriage" will not last.

    A word of advice? Learn to appreciate yourself and your life. Once you do this, everything else will work themselves out.

    And if you cannot bring yourself to do this, at least think of your future children. They are the innocent party, and they are the ones who always suffer from the outcome of divorce.

    Note: The pre-nup it self isn't the main issue, your tone regarding your relationship is.

  • dial999 on 22/07/2014 - 09:01
    +2

    As an oldie, I've noticed over and over again that many really nice, easy going young men to seem to hook up with horrible bitches. Presumably because they are the only ones that put up with their sh*t, others run asap. It never turns out well. Seems that what is happening is that the easy going guys have a lesson in life to learn, that is, to stand up for themselves and demand respect etc.

    • ghostlyvisage on 22/07/2014 - 10:30

      I think a better term would be "command" respect.

  • zeomega on 22/07/2014 - 09:29
    +6

    This should have been your response.

    pre…. whaatt??? NUP!!! I'm done!

  • lplau on 22/07/2014 - 09:46
    -1

    So from all the conversations on here,
    The general consensus is:
    A prenup is bad because it means you don't trust each other.

    Or

    A Prenup is bad because this is ozbargain and if you get a partner which is rich then you have got yourself a good bargain both in the long run or the short run!

    Hmmm which one do we choose? lol.

    • shaiguy on 22/07/2014 - 10:05

      My suggestion is review their version of the prenup first and post it here (make sure no confidentiality clauses). We will then decide. A prenup is not necessarily bad but the part where she constantly reminds him she has more assets suggests that he runs. Who really cares? everyone's poo smells the same… and remember this common phrase… "Money does not change you it merely shows you who you really are"…

    • evol on 22/07/2014 - 13:26
      +2

      I think the consensus is that prenup is not the actual problem…the state of the relationship is already broken so thinking about a prenup is the least of OP's issues.

  • WT on 22/07/2014 - 10:01
    +3

    OP hasn't been on in 3 days. Skipped country?!?

    you buggers scared him off!

    • shaiguy on 22/07/2014 - 10:06
      +14

      The prenup bans him from Ozbargain.

    • abc on 22/07/2014 - 10:28

      Because this whole thread is tl;dr :D

    • bbear on 23/07/2014 - 01:00

      or maybe the fiancé found this thread.

  • sleet on 22/07/2014 - 11:27
    +2

    It's hard to feel sympathetic for the OP. I guess being in that situation might cloud judgement.

    Do what makes you happy, don't listen to other people. If you are already detesting your future partner on that level then she probably isn't the one. That being said, relationships are about compromise.

    What I DON'T compromise are my values and beliefs. If my partner does not have similar values then we are not right for each other. Differences in sleeping habits, diet, clothes etc are purely superficial. Differences in love, respect, and equality etc need to be at least similar.

  • rxjb on 22/07/2014 - 11:29

    Only you can make the decision if this girl is right for you.

    Head over to http://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relation…

    Lot of good information on what makes a healthy relationship. Believe they have a number of pre-marriage courses you can complete with your partner. Might be worth checking out and then determine for yourself if she is the one.

  • TheMoDz on 22/07/2014 - 13:19

    im a kid and this is what i see with pre nup

    go on your own ways, separate…

  • tonyjzx on 22/07/2014 - 15:08

    i have to defer to the great thinkers of our time, Kanye West as far as prenups go

    • tonyjzx on 22/07/2014 - 15:10

      but seriously ask yourself what you have to lose vs. what she has to lose

      if you're the avg. ozbb dude and all you own is a 1997 Corolla, a refurb Nexus 7 and a $397 DSE laptop and a pistachio polyester suit then sign away…

      if you get some kids and a place to live out of it well then, thats not a bad deal yo

  • suicine94 on 22/07/2014 - 15:30
    +1

    why you no break up?

  • mishrael on 22/07/2014 - 16:14

    WTF.

  • Weezle on 22/07/2014 - 17:03
    +1

    Dude.

    Get out of this relationship.

    I can't believe someone who is so clearly and obviously wrong for someone would still be considering marriage.

  • hamishpepper on 22/07/2014 - 19:39

    There is nothing wrong with BFA. Regardless of our views, people marry for all sorts of reasons, practical and non practical

    OP, you know what to do but its never really that easy in practice. There has been alot of emotions vested, cultural upbringing pressures, personal pride and insecurities - it is not easy.

    It takes insane courage.

    "Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage"

    If you are not doing it for yourself, think about your parents financial future and your future children's emotional future.

    wishing you and your family the best.

  • BH1 on 22/07/2014 - 20:01

    Is this thread still going? Sheesh…..

  • JPerez on 22/07/2014 - 20:32
    +2

    Is she Chinese?

    Why are you even entering into this marriage… unless you are actually marrying her for her family's money?

    Also, she rubs your nose in it just because you don't have as much? What a (profanity). why are you even with her? You seem like a YES man.

    This does not seem like a healthy relationship.

    • frostman on 23/07/2014 - 15:49

      Is she Chinese?

      Spot on, must be

  • JibberJabber on 22/07/2014 - 22:15
    -2

    Hi OP,

    Me and the fiancé were discussing about purchasing some property just recently and she basically wanted to ask what I thought about a pre-nup. — What do you think? Good that she asked.

    Honestly, I was expecting this to come-up at some stage of our relationship — Boy, weren't you insecure.

    she comes from a family where getting ahead and making money is KING. I come from a more traditional type of family where family unit is KING. — Is she aware that this is what you've gathered for the past two years you've been together? Wonder what she thinks of this.

    She has more assets (and loves to rub my nose in it when she can). — Smug, immature. Sorry.

    We make about the same amount of money — Matters not if it really is love.

    I get the feeling this pre-nup will be heavily skewed in her favour so we'll need to negotiate to make it fair. — I can see sides, is there really a 'we'? Sounds like you're fighting for your rights.

    Also do you recommend I get out my own pre-nup? — No, I recommend you get out of the relationship or let it mature before taking that next step.

    Have a nice life!

    • nahi11 on 22/07/2014 - 22:35
      -2

      Lol this just a pure attack. The mods may as well close this thread.

  • [Deactivated] on 23/07/2014 - 07:51

    OMG … i wouldn't marry such a person …

  • aMaiZing on 23/07/2014 - 10:58

    about your parents selling their investment property to fund your wedding , I know that they are willing to do that for you, for pride and culture, however, you and her must realised, in that same culture, when your parents get old, it is your time to repay and look after them. And like I said before, fast forward to that time , your wife will probably forget already who paid for the wedding, and helped you set up your new life with her, you will get trouble trying to do something for your parents, but she will probably fight for your parent's inheritance with your siblings if there is any. Anyone else see that coming ?
    You seriously need to reconsider this whole thing. She seems pretty shallow and immature. How can you let her rub nose about financial circumstances , have some self respect man, it't not like as if you don't have a job and live off her, you said you earn as much as her. if she thinks building wealth for future is very important (nothing wrong with that! it is good actually), she should inspire and encourage you to do the same,acquire more asset, or save or invest, and she can set up a financial goal with you and work on it together.

  • frostman on 23/07/2014 - 12:28
    +6

    "she comes from a family where getting ahead and making money is KING"

    If you don't mind me asking, is she Asian?

    Some advice from a long married person, Money doesn't bring happiness, love and family does. Print that and paste it on her forehead

  • Aquilius on 23/07/2014 - 13:46
    +2

    My advice to freedomtrader,

    Just get out of the relationship.

    She sounds like a terrible person and you sound like you are in a relationship of convenience, not a loving one.

    Find yourself a caring, nice girl. It is true a nice girl is hard to find these days, but not at all impossible. Be single for a while if you have to.

    Why do you care so much if she cries, if she is wrong, she is wrong…? Why do you care so much what your parents think? Are you or her from a different culture per chance? Your attitudes are unusual for Australians.

    • juventino on 23/07/2014 - 18:58
      +1

      OP is most definitely not Anglo Saxon Australian. Most probably Asian Australian

      • surm on 23/07/2014 - 19:53
        +5

        OP's culture is Aus-trollian.

  • kosh52 on 26/07/2014 - 14:55
    +2

    prenup - something that ya need to have, cos when she leave yo ass she gonna leave wit half

  • sparkles on 28/07/2014 - 00:35
    +4

    I'm really worried OP's fiance found this thread and she's got him tied up in the basement or something.

    • Shaw on 28/07/2014 - 04:03
      +2

      I thought the same thing! Tied up by the balls most likely!

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